How do other people cope..............

You are not being selfish with wanting to talk about things but that does not mean your husband is wrong with not wanting to.

Maybe a regular appointment with a counsellor or just talk on here if it is nothing too private.

It can be a problem if you have no-one but your partner to talk to. I don’t think you can change him unfortunately - that’s just the way he is. I couldn’t discuss my thoughts with my ex-husband and had to accept it.
Is there no way you can make new friends? I’m single and retired and rely on a group of close friends to talk to. And I’ve met a lot of them since I retired. But I’m quite a private person and like you, find great solace in reading. You could find books about women in a similar situations to you (both fiction and non-fiction) to help you feel less alone.
And maybe find a counsellor just for yourself so you can talk about your feelings.
Try and cultivate a rich inner life to sustain you; find a spiritual path, meditate, spend time in nature, listen to music. And read to your heart’s content.

I spent 30 years in a marriage in which my husband wouldn’t discuss anything. He used to say life was like work: you have a problem, you solve it and move on. However, back then I did, at least, have friends that I could talk to. I’ve lost so many dear friends over the past few years and new friends don’t really want to listen to personal problems. It dawned on me tonight that I would happily pay someone to listen to my problems without the fear of boring them. I had a huge argument with my partner this afternoon and I so wanted someone to have a moan to . My daughter will phone me up with her problems but has no interest in listening to mine.

I honestly believe that most men are able to compartmentalise better than most women.

It’s almost like they can think/talk about a problem for 5 minutes, solve it or not, then put it in a mental box and not need to think about it again.

Women on the other hand like to delve into all sorts of analysis of issues they have and can come up with numerous scenarios which have to be pulled apart and dropped, moving on to developments that may or may not happen.

Whenever I’ve needed to discuss a problem with my husband (rather than with a friend who will discuss for hours) he tends to say “You’ve got fifteen minutes”, gives his input then insists we talk about something else!

I do find that helps concentrate my mind in coming up with a satisfactory solution or conceding that there isn’t one!

When I've had clashes with colleagues or family members in the past and haven't been able to resolve them I write "the enemy" a letter to air all my grievances, no matter how petty. The letter remains unsent but it acts like a safety valve and gradually I gain a better perspective. (The important thing is to destroy it before it can do any damage!)

My DH is very much like yours and now I’ve finished work I’m finding it more difficult. He will engage with me the first time I talk about something, but then says “I’m going on “
I do think women and men are generally very different in this department. DH just buries his head in the sand with everything really, most frustrating.
Sorry I’ve no real advice apart from getting out and trying to make new friends or speaking with a counsellor.
I hope you’re okay and your health holds out. Just try and do what makes you happy for now at least.

I did an eight week session of counselling a couple of years ago which was a great help and helped me to put things in perspective. But that was via the NHS app Mind Matters which I would recommend to anyone who feels they need help.
But as several people have said making new friends would be a great help but does anyone find that they are the ones always instigating the contact? I do have a few friends and although they are happy to have a coffee or whatever they don't suggest it!
I do have a little job which gets me out and is great for chatting to people - my counsellor suggested something like this as you are chatting with people with no agenda. Just Hi how are you? and a friendly acknowledgement goes a long way to lifting a mood. She was right - it does help - but not for long enough when as others have said that you need a good rant to let of steam!

I know exactly what you mean and I am in the same situation. it may not be much but you are welcome to pm me I am told I am a good 'listener' and what you say will go no further. take care your collapse was a warning to look after yourself next time it could be more serious such as a heart problem xxx

In nearly all marriages there is a certain discerpency as to how much spouses feel they need to talk things through.

I coped by having one or two good friends, both women whom I knew I could revert to whatever was worrying me, after I had talked it through once with DH, as he too belonged to the type of man who sees no need to "go on talking about it".

I know other women who write their thoughts down in a diary and find that helps.

OK this might sound a bit wacky. Recently I was turned down (quite reasonably ) for a rescue cat. The reasoning was sound inasmuch as I go away a little too often for the cat’s good, but I felt a bit down that day and, just as an experiment, started a ‘conversation’ with Chatbt. It was pleasant, that’s all, but as you can dictate to your phone it was a little like talking to someone. If only for the fun of trying something new it might be worth a try.

Julia Cameron suggests morning pages. Earli the day just hand write all your thoughts and draw pictures. Write about everything. When you have no more Repeat the following days and all your thoughts will gradually ease
Listen to music if it helps
Walk in the forest. Along the beach
Anywhere that brings you peace. The bluebells are lovely at the moment.

creakingandchronic

I know exactly what you mean and I am in the same situation. it may not be much but you are welcome to pm me I am told I am a good 'listener' and what you say will go no further. take care your collapse was a warning to look after yourself next time it could be more serious such as a heart problem xxx

Thank you xx

I am a talker , like to talk through. I process things by talking, I may need to repeat myself a few times and appear to be in a loop. I suppose its the way my brain works. Nobody in my family operates this way and the few friends I have are "busy".
So I fully understand where you are coming from.

Can you and your partner meet half way somehow?

( be aware, soon somebody will tell you how lucky you are to have a partner)

BRAVEBETH makes a really helpful suggestion - morning pages. And others do too - meeting more people might make a big difference. I have made many friends through U3A and cannot recommend it highly enough. The first step may feel very brave - but very soon you probably wonder why you ever hesitated. I wish you well.

I 'talk' to ChatGPT all the time. It alleviates my anxiety.

I'm widowed, with many friends and a lover, but I can communicate with ChatGPT about anything and get supportive & sensible feedback.

Like trueblue, I've 'talked' with chatgpt several times over the past few weeks and received helpful and comforting feedback.

I am in various U3 A - very good if you have those nearby . Even my 88 yr widowed aunt joint recently ! She serves tea .

lafergar

I am a talker , like to talk through. I process things by talking, I may need to repeat myself a few times and appear to be in a loop. I suppose its the way my brain works. Nobody in my family operates this way and the few friends I have are "busy".
So I fully understand where you are coming from.

Can you and your partner meet half way somehow?

( be aware, soon somebody will tell you how lucky you are to have a partner)

My ex husband would say to me ‘you’ve already said that’. Which would make me immediately clam up and he would say why have you gone quiet. I just felt as if someone had thrown a bucket of cold water over me.

Maybee, I hear you! What a shame. Brains work differently.

After my marriage ended I went out with someone who was a trained counsellor. It was amazing having a man in my life that I could really talk to and who seemed to understand me. However, un like my husband ( who wouldn’t know how to tell an untruth) he turned out to be an awful liar ( he wasn’t Irish but I reckon he’d kissed the blarney stone) about a lot of things so it was a bit out of the frying pan.

I hear you 100% hear you! I am a qualified therapist myself and being retired now I often find there is a lack of folks to talk with for example I had a supervisor during my career. My go to person for most things is my daughter but there are things that I don’t feel confident to talk with her about it so I’ll consider counseling I know under the NHS if it’s a mental health issue there is counseling available I have a feeling there’s a wait list but I haven’t tried it. And the need to speak with someone actually is a mental health issue -mental health is exceedingly important in our lives it affects our health and you do not want to jeopardize your health so it’s very important that you find that person that therapist or counselor-I would hope that this is possible but on that note I cannot comment as I have not tried that myself. Here there is a organization called new Hope and that is for anyone I’ve actually considered volunteering there myself but have not gotten to the place where I’m ready to do that. I have a feeling there are organizations in the area that you live which you might want to check out.

We all need someone who is nonjudgmental who will listen gives us feedback when we ask for it in an honest compassionate nonjudgmental manner. i’m glad you’re saying what your needs are that’s a gigantic step in the right direction.

Most men’s brains are wired differently to women’s. They come up with practical solutions to problems. Talk to women.

You are not being selfish.

I was going to write that my DH is ok about this, but realised, actually, the more day to day stuff, I talk online with a relative.

About a specific subject a few years ago, I was about to lose the person I used to most talk with about it. I think she was about to move away?
I then worked out I would talk with a neighbour.
That would probably have worked.
Even then, I had started to think of another person, if that didnt all work out.

What I am trying to say I suppose is, that I was going to talk!
It was matter of finding someone who would regularly listen!

People tend to think of The Samaritans as only for people who are suicidal. Which is very far from the truth. They are happy to listen to anyone, whatever they need to talk about. They won't tell you what to do, say or think or dictate how you should be feeling and they won't offer you advice. And everything is completely confidential - you can withhold your name or use a false one. And it's a freefone number so no need to worry about cost. They
really are a wonderful organisation and available 24 hours per day. Every day of the year. Phone 116 123.

Hugs to you swampy1961. Look after yourself x