Stay at Home Mums

I don’t agree that neglect can be healthy

Stayed at home from the time of my maternity leave with first child until third child was 6. Went back part time , worked in the same nursery as her when she was 3.

Husband at the time worked away part of every month so was not available but he was paid highly at the time and it worked for us. Our middle child during this time was very sick and I was with him all the time when he was in hospital. , grandparents looked after the other two.

This meant a lot of stress for us all and it would have been impossible for me to work ( son did not get better and died when he was 4, other children 8 and 15months).

Never regretted that time . First career was nursery nursing loved working with children it is NOT mind numbing to care for them. Retrained later (2 degrees ) and still work part time in a successful career but nothing can replace time with your children I don’t think, it worked for me. No regrets

SporeRB

5 years is a long time to be out of the workforce especially for someone who worked at such a senior level earning 85k pa.

If she were to re-enter the workforce 5 years later, she may have to start from the bottom and work her way up again. Plus, marriage breakdown is very high in this country.

I don’t think the other mumnetters are jealous because this lady has the privilege of being a SAHM, they are just being realistic.

I work fulltime without a break and the same goes with my sisters living overseas, a few of them hired live maids when their children were very young. Our children all turned out to be well adjusted adults.

All of us retire early in our late fifties/early sixties.

I think taking years out of a career may mean you're coming back in much further down the ladder. I don't think it's necessarily high-paid careers. And, amongst other things, think how much technology changes in five years.

Personally I wanted my own pension from Day 1, both workplace and state. Pause for ironic laughter when I say I'm a 50s woman who's seen so many changes to pension rules. Divorce percentages or losing the breadwinner's earning power through divorce, disability or premature death weren't on my radar, I just didn't fancy being dependent.

I didn’t seek employment when our children was small, I was not dependent, my husband went out to work I worked at home, our children, our home

I was a SAHM until my youngest started school, but I was in the fortunate position of being able to have a few music pupils each Wednesday as my parents looked after my children, giving them their tea and a bath and getting them ready for bed. Once my youngest child started school full-time (l have three), l was able to take on more pupils and work in schools as a peripatetic teacher.

I stayed at home for 5 years and then worked some part time hours typing the letters at my local GP practice when they needed extra help. They then offered me a job share when my children were both at school and I worked term time only until my youngest was around 18 when I went full time. We didn’t have a lot of money but we managed. My children did do a couple of days at playgroup from 3 years but I enjoyed being there for them and met up with friends who had similar aged children. Life was different back then though. Both my daughters have professional careers and went back part time when the babies were around 9 months to a year.

I stayed at home till youngest was five, then back to work for my husband mornings till 1pm, back home for lunch, watched Neighbours did some ironing before off for the school pick up. I enjoyed my time being a SAHM but as with work, there were nightmare days as well. Being at home with children was more common then, certainly not now 2 incomes are vital. Individual choices, I think we shouldn't be sniffy about either, women have a lot to juggle to fit in with personal circumstances.

Her choice. My DDs had no choice but to work and both worried about not being a SAHM.
I was a SAHM because I had no choice and I don’t regret it even though it did affect my career.
I did send my children to a playgroup once or twice a week though, so they got chance to play with other children.
I wonder if the Mumsnet mother would have got less criticism if she’d said it was for the children’s benefit instead of me time for her?

The young mum quoted by the OP sounded rather up herself, her ‘tempted by the idea of becoming at SAHM’ is rather glib, like trying a new nail varnish until she got bored with it.

I never felt remotely guilty about working. I balanced work and running a family. people forget children are not hanging off your apron strings needing constant sueprvision every second for 18 years. Bt the time they are three or four they quite often enjoy downtime playing quietly on their own. I had a working mother myself and it never bothered me. If I needed her, she was there.

My DM and I both shared the experience that the only time we were wanted and weren't there, we were not working, my DM was out shopping and I was driving to my PiL's to collect them for a stay with us.

I believe children thrive best with plenty of good healthy neglect, not constant minute supervision.

You're definitely not the only one who finds that kind of reaction unsettling. I totally agree with you. Real empowerment is about having options. If a woman chooses to take a few years off to raise her children, and she’s in a secure position to do so, that’s just as valid as staying in the workforce. It’s frustrating how quickly people jump to worst-case scenarios instead of trusting other women to make the right choice for themselves. Thank you for speaking up. This kind of perspective really matters.

M0nica

I never felt remotely guilty about working. I balanced work and running a family. people forget children are not hanging off your apron strings needing constant sueprvision every second for 18 years. Bt the time they are three or four they quite often enjoy downtime playing quietly on their own. I had a working mother myself and it never bothered me. If I needed her, she was there.

My DM and I both shared the experience that the only time we were wanted and weren't there, we were not working, my DM was out shopping and I was driving to my PiL's to collect them for a stay with us.

I believe children thrive best with plenty of good healthy neglect, not constant minute supervision.

You're describing what many of us did years ago.

Being a SAHM, although Always Out With The Children seems a better description than the image that Stay at Home conjures up of stagnating at home, bored stiff!
Then, when the children were settled in school, re-entering the world of work or retraining for a new career.

It's interesting to note that there were no Breakfast Clubs, After-School Clubs or even nurseries many years ago. Has the need for two parents to work driven this demand or have these facilities becoming available enabled women to go back to work full-time after maternity leave?

My brother attended nursery in the mornings from 1967 until her started school, so there were definitely some services available. My daughter started nursery in 1990, and breakfast club, after school club and holiday provision for school age children were all available and established then in mid Wales, so as we aren’t in a metropolis’s here I would say they were widely available 35 years ago. One of my sisters was also a childminder, in the early eighties, and she was always in great demand. I think the demand was driven by women who wanted to work from 1960s onwards - women’s liberation.

Living in Mid Wales in the 70’s, my daughters didn’t attend nursery classes or spend time with childminders, they had five cousins the same age so we met together several times a week,
a play group in the Church was fun. I loved those years , don’t understand what women’s liberation had to do with my decision I had choices , I chose to spend those few years with them and loved it.

I stayed at home with my 3 until the youngest was 7 ie for 13 years and I would not have missed any of that precious time. I gave them a good start to life, went on walks and picnics and so on. No nurseries, no childminders, just good parenting

Result is 3 stable AC in good marriages and with professional careers. My own career took a battering but so what.

And yet, there are plenty of us whose children went to nurseries/childminders from an early age and yet still have good careers and stable adult relationships. Are you suggesting that only those who stayed at home with their children were 'good parents'?

Beechnut

I was a SAHM until our daughter went to uni and then did part time temping jobs. My mum was unavailable for childcare as she worked and my mother in law died not long after we married. I was around for school help outs and ferrying several children to various things etc. As well as that I was also around for my very elderly father in law for doctors and hospital visits etc.

This - I have been a SAHM since we got married. We had a full set of elderly relatives needing support. I have also been available to stand in if any of DH's staff have been ill. And, I was able to volunteer at various things. We have 5 children.

ViceVersa

And yet, there are plenty of us whose children went to nurseries/childminders from an early age and yet still have good careers and stable adult relationships. Are you suggesting that only those who stayed at home with their children were 'good parents'?

This has been suggested again and again and again, without any evidence to support the contention.

I can see no reason why I should have to justify my life decisions to such a group of closed minded, value signallers. Left to them women would all be Stepford wives.

M0nica

ViceVersa

And yet, there are plenty of us whose children went to nurseries/childminders from an early age and yet still have good careers and stable adult relationships. Are you suggesting that only those who stayed at home with their children were 'good parents'?

This has been suggested again and again and again, without any evidence to support the contention.

I can see no reason why I should have to justify my life decisions to such a group of closed minded, value signallers. Left to them women would all be Stepford wives.

But you have said you stayed at home for the early years then went back to work
Perhaps I misunderstood.

I believe children thrive best with plenty of good healthy neglect, not constant minute supervision.
That's an attack on SAHMs in fact, because being a SAHM, even just for the early years, does not mean helicopter parenting or becoming a Stepford Wife.

MOnica you haven’t been asked to justify your life decisions,
I for one am not the slightest interested

kittylester

Beechnut

I was a SAHM until our daughter went to uni and then did part time temping jobs. My mum was unavailable for childcare as she worked and my mother in law died not long after we married. I was around for school help outs and ferrying several children to various things etc. As well as that I was also around for my very elderly father in law for doctors and hospital visits etc.

This - I have been a SAHM since we got married. We had a full set of elderly relatives needing support. I have also been available to stand in if any of DH's staff have been ill. And, I was able to volunteer at various things. We have 5 children.

Nice meet you.

We had full sets of elderly grandparents, parents, and other relatives. I had 8 pregnancies, 4 live births. I care for my husband's business receipts, occasionally make his bids, volunteer. Plenty to occupy my time.

I don’t think there’s any chance of either ‘side’ of this debate fully understanding the perspective of the other ‘side’. Nobody is right or wrong, and it isn’t proven that children have fared better or worse than anybody else’s as a direct result of the choices their mother made- it’s all down to personal choice.

Casdon

I don’t think there’s any chance of either ‘side’ of this debate fully understanding the perspective of the other ‘side’. Nobody is right or wrong, and it isn’t proven that children have fared better or worse than anybody else’s as a direct result of the choices their mother made- it’s all down to personal choice.

I agree with much of your post except it's not always down to personal choice..

Personal choice -made on the basis of different circumstances is never the same thing.
Sometimes what you have to do isn’t a choice.

Mollygo

Personal choice -made on the basis of different circumstances is never the same thing.
Sometimes what you have to do isn’t a choice.

Sometimes what you have to do isn’t a choice.

Yes. Everyone's circumstances are unique and dictate the limits of their choices.