Stay at Home Mums

The young mum quoted by the OP sounded rather up herself, her ‘tempted by the idea of becoming at SAHM’ is rather glib, like trying a new nail varnish until she got bored with it.

Her choice. My DDs had no choice but to work and both worried about not being a SAHM.
I was a SAHM because I had no choice and I don’t regret it even though it did affect my career.
I did send my children to a playgroup once or twice a week though, so they got chance to play with other children.
I wonder if the Mumsnet mother would have got less criticism if she’d said it was for the children’s benefit instead of me time for her?

I stayed at home till youngest was five, then back to work for my husband mornings till 1pm, back home for lunch, watched Neighbours did some ironing before off for the school pick up. I enjoyed my time being a SAHM but as with work, there were nightmare days as well. Being at home with children was more common then, certainly not now 2 incomes are vital. Individual choices, I think we shouldn't be sniffy about either, women have a lot to juggle to fit in with personal circumstances.

I stayed at home for 5 years and then worked some part time hours typing the letters at my local GP practice when they needed extra help. They then offered me a job share when my children were both at school and I worked term time only until my youngest was around 18 when I went full time. We didn’t have a lot of money but we managed. My children did do a couple of days at playgroup from 3 years but I enjoyed being there for them and met up with friends who had similar aged children. Life was different back then though. Both my daughters have professional careers and went back part time when the babies were around 9 months to a year.

I was a SAHM until my youngest started school, but I was in the fortunate position of being able to have a few music pupils each Wednesday as my parents looked after my children, giving them their tea and a bath and getting them ready for bed. Once my youngest child started school full-time (l have three), l was able to take on more pupils and work in schools as a peripatetic teacher.

I didn’t seek employment when our children was small, I was not dependent, my husband went out to work I worked at home, our children, our home

SporeRB

5 years is a long time to be out of the workforce especially for someone who worked at such a senior level earning 85k pa.

If she were to re-enter the workforce 5 years later, she may have to start from the bottom and work her way up again. Plus, marriage breakdown is very high in this country.

I don’t think the other mumnetters are jealous because this lady has the privilege of being a SAHM, they are just being realistic.

I work fulltime without a break and the same goes with my sisters living overseas, a few of them hired live maids when their children were very young. Our children all turned out to be well adjusted adults.

All of us retire early in our late fifties/early sixties.

I think taking years out of a career may mean you're coming back in much further down the ladder. I don't think it's necessarily high-paid careers. And, amongst other things, think how much technology changes in five years.

Personally I wanted my own pension from Day 1, both workplace and state. Pause for ironic laughter when I say I'm a 50s woman who's seen so many changes to pension rules. Divorce percentages or losing the breadwinner's earning power through divorce, disability or premature death weren't on my radar, I just didn't fancy being dependent.

Stayed at home from the time of my maternity leave with first child until third child was 6. Went back part time , worked in the same nursery as her when she was 3.

Husband at the time worked away part of every month so was not available but he was paid highly at the time and it worked for us. Our middle child during this time was very sick and I was with him all the time when he was in hospital. , grandparents looked after the other two.

This meant a lot of stress for us all and it would have been impossible for me to work ( son did not get better and died when he was 4, other children 8 and 15months).

Never regretted that time . First career was nursery nursing loved working with children it is NOT mind numbing to care for them. Retrained later (2 degrees ) and still work part time in a successful career but nothing can replace time with your children I don’t think, it worked for me. No regrets

I don’t agree that neglect can be healthy

I never felt remotely guilty about working. I balanced work and running a family. people forget children are not hanging off your apron strings needing constant sueprvision every second for 18 years. Bt the time they are three or four they quite often enjoy downtime playing quietly on their own. I had a working mother myself and it never bothered me. If I needed her, she was there.

My DM and I both shared the experience that the only time we were wanted and weren't there, we were not working, my DM was out shopping and I was driving to my PiL's to collect them for a stay with us.

I believe children thrive best with plenty of good healthy neglect, not constant minute supervision.

I didn’t have much choice as we ran a farm, although I always worked part time as well.
There’s a lot that I don’t remember as it really was mind numbingly boring.
Women’s’ Lib was about choice, and if I’d had a choice I would have worked longer hours in my career but, oh yes, I had to give that up when I moved away from London to run the farm.

Yes. Much the point that I was making.

Agreed, there is no universal right or wrong. Each family must make their own way. The tedious arguments to not SAHM are often unkind.

Agreed, but often both sides of the argument can be unkind about the other.

Perhaps it might be due to the universal guilt which women seem to carry whatever they do!

Norah

Madmeg But each to their own, quite rightly.

Agreed, there is no universal right or wrong. Each family must make their own way. The tedious arguments to not SAHM are often unkind.

I agree. As are the tedious arguments about those who work.

I don't see either 'side' as envious, but often as defensive, given the accusations of not being a 'full-time' mum from SAHMs against those who work, and of living a 'mind-numbing' life from working mums against those who SAH. A working mother is as much a 'full-time' parent as a man who works. I worked after the few years my children were pre-schoolers, during which my husband and I juggled childcare and drew on help from my in-laws who stepped in when neither of us could be there, but worked thereafter, and definitely saw myself as a full-time mother, just as my husband was a full-time dad.

I do not believe that either choice should be subsidised by 'society', but otherwise am firmly in the 'do what's best for you' camp, as I am with everything else I can think of. We only have one life, so we should all make our choices and hope for the best.

If I were in charge, which luckily I am not, I would happily pay from a communal purse for 'a parent' to SAH with children under the age of 3 or 4, and for mothers to have a year or so to recover from the physical consequences of giving birth and breastfeeding each child. I also feel that educating children and their healthcare should be financed by 'society' but beyond that, I think that the upkeep of the adults in a family should be up to them.

PS, I don't think that 'the point' of feminism is to enable all women to do whatever they like. It is to put women on the same footing as men when it comes to choices, and men don't, on the whole, expect others to support their choice (if they make it) to stay at home with children.

It's interesting to look at the countryside etc through the eyes of a small child, too, and can help you have a different perspective and not take such things for granted.

So true!

M0nica

I find the inferences in some posts, that mothers who worked when their children were small, loved and cared for their children less than those who stayed at home offensive.

Indeed. Choice is what matters. The disturbing things about the thread on mumsnet that made me start this thread is that so much of it was about what a boring job parenting is and how the poster should not be a SAHM. All choices should be respected.

I loved being at home with my 2 children , then I went back to teaching.It was a wonderful time, not at all numbing; we did so many things and I saw all the firsts,like swimming ,dancing ,
Brownies,dressing up and learning to talk ,walk and sing…what a joy!

GrannySomerset

My children were born in 1965 and 1967. With the first one I went round all the houses on our little estate with a pram outside and set up a weekly coffee morning for six or seven of us - two would run a chaotic but cheerful play scheme, the other mums had two hours off to go back to bed, get their hair done, get on with some sewing, whatever they chose. With number two I got involved with setting up a playgroup which filled a similar purpose. When the younger child started school I did a full time BEd course. Now most mums have no choice but to work so can’t be as involved as I was. I would however have gone mad at home all the time without respite!

I've never understood why the perception of Stay At Home Mothers means that in the literal sense!

There were several of us who lived fairly close together with children close in age so we did something similar, although Mums stayed with their toddlers so the children could play together and the Mums have a stimulating chat! Or go on walks, excursions.

It's interesting to look at the countryside etc through the eyes of a small child, too, and can help you have a different perspective and not take such things for granted.

Monica, It was completely up to you how you parented your children, no one can judge and I am sorry you feel that way. I did what was right for me. The children as long as they are loved and cared for thrive just as well. I think most parents want the best for their children. I am hardly mother of the year my d estranged me..

I got a A levels and a degree whilst looking after my two children. Then when they went to primary school I went to part tie work.

My children were born in 1965 and 1967. With the first one I went round all the houses on our little estate with a pram outside and set up a weekly coffee morning for six or seven of us - two would run a chaotic but cheerful play scheme, the other mums had two hours off to go back to bed, get their hair done, get on with some sewing, whatever they chose. With number two I got involved with setting up a playgroup which filled a similar purpose. When the younger child started school I did a full time BEd course. Now most mums have no choice but to work so can’t be as involved as I was. I would however have gone mad at home all the time without respite!

M0nica

I find the inferences in some posts, that mothers who worked when their children were small, loved and cared for their children less than those who stayed at home offensive.

Yes, I agree.

I find the inferences in some posts, that mothers who worked when their children were small, loved and cared for their children less than those who stayed at home offensive.

Its no one’s business. I would have done anything rather than let others care for my children. There is nothing as precious as your children, no more important job. I loved those first five years at home. We had little money but we managed. I went on to be a working mom and ended up in management, that was not as important though as those years at home.

It took me 9 years to get pregnant after I got married. I didn't want to leave my baby with strangers after the long wait for her. I was a SAHM for 3 years and then worked part time hours when my husband was able to babysit. Back then (the 1980's) there weren't any mom groups meeting and the neighborhood where I lived in had all children free residents. I took my daughter to the playground and we were usually the only ones there. I decided to enroll my daughter in a preschool for 3 mornings a week at age 3.
I don't regret keeping her home until age 3. I used to work in a child care center and no matter how dedicated the staff is, there's not enough time to give infants all the attention they need when you have several babies in the room. Anyway moms everywhere do what's best for their families and others have no right to judge them for their decision.