Adult children don't seem to get old age!

It is an interesting question.

My wonderful DDs are unfailingly kind, empathetic and considerate, but I do not think they entirely get how it feels to be getting older.... to have health problems, to be steadily losing capabilities, to see friends dying, to experience a closing down of many of the things that make our lives meaningful like travel and hobbies.......

To be fair I do not think I understood this in the past for my aging relatives. So I cannot really ask them to be able to do something I could not.

In fact, they veer between expecting too much of me (in the sense of assuming I can do things that are a struggle for me, underestimating how darned lonely widowhood is) and expecting too little (taking me by the arm and heaving me up for instance when it is not needed, as if I am an old lady ..... oh hang on, I am! )

In what ways do your AC show that they do not "get" it? They might be things we can all identify with, or might have found helpful solutions to.

Both my parents have passed in the last couple of years. They were in their 90's. I look back and when they were at my age late 60's they looked after their first great grandchild every week day for 4 hours (I did the other hours). I could not contemplate doing that now. It's only now I look back and think wow!!
My kids won't think that until they are in the same position.

Sounds like you need to be honest with your children about your capabilities. With the one living at home, as a grown adult they should be contributing to the running of the house. Set your own pace in life, you know your needs the best, explaining them might not be enough on their own, especially with children who just see "mum" generally, not a walking list of problems etc. Would you really want that anyway?

So going forward, ask for help when you need it, say no when you need to, say yes with changes needed to accommodate you when you want to.

Don't hang about being mopey and hoping they will notice, open up some communication and give them opportunities for empathy... Teach them how to do it if it is needed.

OP, I think if you want them to take over tasks you have always done you need to say so. They may be happy to, or even would like to, but are reluctant to suggest it as they are things that “Mum likes to do that/has always done that”. It may well not be lack of empathy but not realising you need help. Just as your children are used to asking for help when they need it, it’s time for you to tell them. You keep dismissing comments that say this, but really it’s the only way forward.

Is life really this black and white? Giving up or being super busy?

I don't think so.

keepingquiet

I'm just too busy to get old...I'll just drop one day and everyone will think I was fine the day before...and wonder what happened...?

I have the same idea about my car- I'll just keep driving it until it packs in...

I just love your mantra. Brilliant. I too . I am in my 80th year and dont intend giving up for another 20 years. So watch out world. I have very bad back pain caused by scoliosis and stenosis. I have to sit down umpteen times just to complete my jobs around the house but so be it. Also my balance is chronic but use a stroller to walk around the supermarket. Agree I only go from the car to the supermarket and have a Blue Badge which is a Godsend. Must never give up that is my mantra and dont intend to.

No one younger gets how it really feels to be older, with all the cumulative issues that make life alot more difficult. Perhaps you should write a letter to your younger self and show it to your AC, which will start a discussion that could prove quite interesting for them, plant a seed so they can reflect on it in the future when you ask them to help you or spend some time with you.

That's given me a little chuckle Georgesgran.

DD2 (wheelchair user) and I are going away for a few days in August, which we do every year.
I mentioned finding somewhere flat and she replied that she was capable of tackling most terrains.

I had to point out that at 74, we needed the easier terrain for me!

That's interesting AGA.

Yes you are right.

We have to treat our children as the adults they are. We hide all our problems from our young children as they are not mature enough to deal with it.
We bring them up to be independent people who have to face the difficulties that life brings and should respect them enough to let them know if we are not coping well.
I don't mean mentioning every twinge or bad day we have but to be open about the more seriousness things like being in pain.
My mum didn't let any of us know how ill my dad was until I visited one day to be told he had died that morning. She didn't want to worry us.
She had carried on treating us as children. I was in my forties at the time.

I empathise with your chronic pain as I have it too. I can’t do a lot in the house without many sit downs to pace myself. I am waiting for quite a serious operation and hoping it will improve things a lot but my children are aware of my limitations as they came to the hospital appointments and heard what the consultant had to say .

We actually live together so that probably makes them realise more but I do hide how bad the pain is sometimes. I’m lucky that they can help me my balance is poor now too so I’m wary about falling. Please be more honest with them and perhaps ask them to do certain things for you regularly so they are more aware.

I am confused. One child is with you all the time and you don’t want that, the other does not contact enough??? Children don’t like to think of parents aging. You are their rock. At late sixties you are not old! Find things locally or on line to give you adult company.

Thank You Elegran. AC wasn't in a great place when he came, so I probably overdid things. Of course you are right.

lafergar

Witzend

Are they expecting you to do all sorts of things you don’t feel up to? Are they expecting you to manage all the cleaning/cooking/shopping/laundry, etc.? If so, you must make it clear that if they choose to live back home with you, then they absolutely must do their share.

Unfortuately I have fallen back into Mum role. But washing goes to the local lauderette.

Time to be the Mum who doesn't treat them as helpless babies. If they are adults they are capable of shopping, cooking, housework etc. If they were living alone they would have to do it.

Was your mother a coper who got on with shouldering everything and told no-one of the things she suffered? If you have inherited this, and keep hiding your distress, they won't know that you are feeling it, and will think that you are doing fine. They could reach your age and still believe that you lived a charmed life of stressless peace and never experienced anything they might be going through.

Sit down and talk over with them what you can do and what you can't - physically or mentally, as Aveline was asking.

If you are not happy with them moving back, would it be better if they lived somewhere else? If you would like more contact with your other child, have you tried setting a day a week when you phone or zoom them - it doesn't have to be a long talk, but you would catch up on each other's lives and it would make you feel less alone.

If you are generally depressed, have you consulted your GP?

If you like them being there but find it painful and exhausting to stand and cook, or to do housework, what are the alternatives? The AC taking over the cooking? Ready meals? The AC doing housework in return for the board and lodging?

If shopping is a tiring unpleasant chore, could you shop online? The delivery drivers would carry it into your kitchen and are even empowered to put it away for you.

You say - "I'm not great mentally and have been blindsided by a few things over the last few years. My back is basically shot due to medical negligance re an epidural." and "I don't bother them with it" - but you expect them to be bothered by it without being in the know.

Perhaps it is time to start bothering them with it? If they don't know the history of your experiences with that, they will not be aware of how debilitating constant pain and weakness can be.

If you need a walk-in shower but can't afford it, have you investigated how you might be able to get financial help with that, or have one fitted by Social Services? Your back pain may entitle you to something? Of course, you would have to admit to them that you needed it - I suspect that you would find that a difficult confession to make, but tell the ghost of your mother to butt out.

So two different views then ( more or less)

One is have a talk with them , the other to quietly go about your business without bothering them.

Excellent post Doodledog - got it in a nutshell.

As I explained rosie I am severely hampered by chronic pain caused by medical negligence. I prefer not to bother AC with this.

And that I think is your mistake. I also have considerable pain and difficulty moving at the moment and am unclear what the future holds regarding that! I am open and honest about that with my kids because I think it is only fair to them to know the truth of my situation. How they respond to that is up to them and THEIR choice to make; not have made for them. (My personality is more naturally to be the one who copes and who does not go on about my own health etc but in this situation I knew honesty was needed for their sakes)

So ... maybe think about this and consider your ACs perspective. If the response is to tell you what you need to do then say if you cant manage it alone. Asking for help from them OR from others isnt necessarily easy but not asking builds up more problems for the future than it solves. 💐

Grammaretto

You have to share your worries with your children. It's not fair to expect them to be mind readers.

Roles do reverse as we age. I tried to explain that in my first reply but you didn't respond Lafergar.

Let them help you. Don't suffer in silence.

I think what the OP means is that while yes, normally roles do reverse as we grow old that isn’t always the case and some elderly parents may find themselves in the position of still being expected to be the ones providing family support when really the family should be providing support for the elderly parents. And where parental illness or infirmity is thrown into the mix the need for family support may come sooner than otherwise.

It is disappointing when one’s children don’t naturally recognise that roles should be reversing without having to be asked for assistance. No one wants to beg for help or always have it taken for granted that their help will be given no matter how inappropriate or inconsiderate.

My husband remarked yesterday that it was time people started to do things for us rather than us continuing to do things for other people just as we always have.

never know, not need k 🙄

I thought the same until life took over.

I hope you're right, but please don't rely on hope to get you through - you need k now what's round the corner.

I'm just too busy to get old...I'll just drop one day and everyone will think I was fine the day before...and wonder what happened...?

I have the same idea about my car- I'll just keep driving it until it packs in...

When my DC come it feels as if they're whirlwinds but then I remember that I was probably like that myself at their ages, working, coping with teenagers, an elderly parent too.

My grandmother used to say that old age doesn't come itself - in other words that it brings ailments with it.

Of course I didn't understand that when I was younger. How could I? I didn't even realise that I was young. We don't. Being young means that anything is possible, that life stretches ahead, and if 'this' doesn't work than 'that' might, and all we have to do is try. We don't even know that this attitude is time-limited when we are living it, and it can come as a shock when that phase of life ends.

I don't expect my children to understand what my life is like these days (somewhat limited by health-related mobility problems) and I don't really want them to. I am there when they need me, and will spend as long as it takes making sure that I can do whatever they ask. I have time that they don't for that. When they come to stay, I organise things so that I do as much as I can (and I'm by no means incapable) but opt out as gracefully as possible of things that I would impede. I am not a burden for them to bear, and I won't be for as long as I can possibly avoid it.

I am a bit limited physically, but not mentally, and have organised my life so that I get as much mental stimulation as possible, and one of the upsides of Covid is that Zoom has opened up so many possibilities in that direction. This means that I have something to talk about other than what happens at home, and I do my best to be 'interesting', even if I can't be as physically useful as I might have been in the past.