Friend Short Tempered

Listening to other people can be very difficult, particularly on the phone where you don’t have visual clues about what they are talking about or how they feel about what’s wrong. It sounds to me as though you’ve been very good to your friend and I’m sure she appreciates it.

I, on the other hand, have a friend who when we speak on the phone, or face to face, gives me constant unwanted advice, about anything, eg about my dogs and how to care for them (she doesn’t have a dog!), the kitchen counter tops, my family, my husband!

I really would like her, if I am moaning about something, to say ‘OMG, how frightful, irritating, or annoying or exhausting for you’, or whatever. I absolutely do not want her to tell me what to do EVERY time before I’ve even finished talking.

Someone once told me that one type of supportive listening is known as ‘unconditional positive regard’. I’m not sure that I’ve explained that concept correctly, but I understand it as about supporting and listening to the other person without leaping in with one’s own solutions, until or if asked for them.

I don’t claim to have it right every time I listen to someone on the phone but I do try to be supportive when I’m listening, even if that means not saying what I really think, but just listening.

Hope that your friend’s renovations go well, a move can be one of the most stressful things in modern day life, and I suspect that having builders in, is a close second! 🌷🌷🌷

Syracute

I have moved many times . Her upsetment is understandsblr . Try just listening and not being
SO JUDGEy . You Are not really a very good friend .

What an extremely rude comment

I very much sympathize. I have a friend who for thirty years has told me at great length and with desperate urgency that she must move from her flat in central London. I have never been in the flat but it is very tiny, at the top of many flights of stairs and she hoards and God knows what state it is in as she often hints that it is pretty bad. Now the day may soon come when she will not be able to get up and down the stairs. There has already been an incident when she was out, took ill and when she got home couldn't manage the stairs and had to call an ambulance and spent a couple of nights in hospital. I thought that at last a move must surely happen. But no. She must move but she can't move and she doesn't move. How many times have I had to listen? How many times have my suggestions and my encouragements been met with anger and irritation. But this time, I realized all I could do was listen and sympathize. It is probably because the situation is now so extreme that I have had to accept that it is as it is, though it is difficult for me to do so. It is so sad and I feel so sorry for her. She is a wonderful woman in many ways. I just hope that circumstances will fall out one way or another so that the worst things one can imagine do not happen in the end.

Just agree with her and make sympathetic noises and things like ''I know' ...nothing much else you can do...sorry

rosie1959

I do think from your post that your friend just needs a listening ear. How big is this bungalow 18 months seems an extremely long time for renovation has she perhaps taken on too much without the funds required and it's causing her frustration.

I would say that the friend is venting because it's taking so long.

But it may be an area where "things take longer than they should take". I found that the area I moved to on retirement is one of them - and that's the polar opposite of what I'm used to. Then there was bad neighbours sticking their oar in and putting off tradespeople (as they wanted me to sell the house - so one of their friends could have it instead!!!!) and it took me literally years to get it basically finished - as there was so much more work involved than there should have been. I became desperate to have the better-functioning more modern kitchen part way through - so that meant a loan to get it at that point. Then I ran out of money.

When I had some more money and so was able to finish the place off = that also took months before that was basically done.

Don't forget that - even in a more "normal" area for all this and without the neighbours I had = one still probably has to wait months sometimes for any halfway reasonable tradesperson one has decided on to be available. You can't just turn round and said "Right - I've decided you're it. Can you start next week please?"

Lockdown didn't help either.

It took me around 11 years!!!!!!!!!! between all that stuff going on before the house is finished (apart from I may, possibly, decide to have the outside cladded - because it isn't a brick house/many of the houses in this area arent brick houses). So I may do that - to deal with the fact it's been made of these huge concrete block things, rendered and painted.

Even something as basic as the phoneline may not be working normally - and that was what I found when I bought the house and it turned out to be a party line! Even when that had been replaced by a normal individual line the internet from it kept going slow...slow...slower...gone. I had to have in the Telecom people 50 times (!!) or more until it finally went completely normal at last literally years later (ie the very first workday after the next door neighbour moved out.....funnily enough.....and with the exact same workman coming round as I'd had round only the previous week).

You never know just how many obstacles/delays might have been caused by all those factors:
- an unreliable area work ethic
- bad neighbours deliberately interfering
- running out of money and having to wait for some more.

It’s instinctive to try to find a solution that will help when someone is ‘ crying out ‘, so to speak, but as most posters suggest, it’s a sympathetic ear that’s required.

I’ve a friend of 40 years who is like this. Theres always something that is a big negative in her life whether it be a property that she bought and wishes she hadn’t, problems with an old friend that she looks after, husbands health issues etc. I’ve learned from experience that she just wants a moan, not practical solutions and so I just listen and say things like ‘oh dear’ ‘you’ve so much going on’ ‘you’re coping well’ etc etc. this seems to work. I don’t offer solutions, just listen to the moaning and letting off steam.

Elowen33

Sometimes people just want to have a rant, they dont want advice or sympathy just someone to nod and agree.

On another thread, the advice was to nod and say something innocuous like "Goodness".

It is exhausting, though.

My question is: your friend moved to be near her family. Are they helping her out at all? Is she disappointed that they are not giving her the support she hoped for?

However don't ask her this! It could cause a rift.

Ignore Syracuse, her comments are nasty. Doodledog has it right, be a sympathetic and listening ear, as you have been doing; it's all about being heard and getting things off your chest to a good friend who doesn't immediately offer solutions, at that moment she just wants your non judgmental friendship, you sound a lovely friend and I hope she appreciates you.

Reading this reminds me of certain friends who truly just don't listen with their ears . I have on the odd stressed occasion phoned them to express my stress situation , not wanting advice or solutions , just to get my feelings out . They interrupt and overtalk and give opinions which isn't wanted . Kindly hearts but not really understanding.
Op sounds a wonderful kind understanding friend , deeply loyal , so I suggest just listen , mmm and ah when needed until she gets it out , which she will , till the next time .

From personal experience I would agree with 'not being a solution woman ', Silver.
I just don't agree with the OP being referred to as judgemental.
A close friend of mine always tries to come up with a solution, when all I want is for her to acknowledge that she has heard what I said.
But I know that her advice comes from a kind and caring heart.
The OP has shown great kindness and patience over the past 18 months.

I can’t help wondering if she is getting any help from her son since she has moved to be near him and his family.

Your post made me smile Silverlining! Some people would rather moan than fix things with a little lateral thinking!

I agree syracuse was somewhat sharp. The poster is a good friend trying to help but as my daughter once said to me ‘stop being a solution woman’ because it wasn’t helping.
So sympathetic listening with the occasional word of support is the order of the day.

Syracuse. I don't agree with your comments. DollyD is a good friend. She has done her best to try to help her friend. She's come on GN to try to find a way to help her friend get through this stressful episode. You are the one who is being judgemental. DollyD is a kind, supportive friend in my opinion.

I do think from your post that your friend just needs a listening ear. How big is this bungalow 18 months seems an extremely long time for renovation has she perhaps taken on too much without the funds required and it's causing her frustration.

Unless she asks for advice just listen dolly. As others have said your friend is venting and it seems views you as a safe person to let off steam with. It can be hard to be constantly on the receiving end I know but a listening ear is worth so much.

In these circumstances I think what she wants from you is just a listening ear and maybe an occasional open question like "oh dear so how do you plan to move forward on that one?" Or " That must be hard. Have you decided how you are going to move things on?" Etc

Elowen33

Sometimes people just want to have a rant, they dont want advice or sympathy just someone to nod and agree.

Think Elowen has nailed it. It can be infuriating when someone seems to be suggesting the blindingly obvious, which very often is the case when they are on the outside of a problem. Not only is it not helpful, it assumes that you won’t have thought of it yourself. If your friend is already feeling that she did the wrong thing by moving (and it can be an expensive mistake) being treated as though she’s a bit dim to boot could be the final straw.

At the risk of offering uninvited advice myself (), maybe stop the suggestions and just sympathise? Let her get things off her chest and agree that it must be awful, then change the subject. Or a strategy I sometimes use is to ask directly- ‘are you looking for advice or support, as I’m here for either’?

I presume she’s under a lot of stress and probably kicking herself if I was in your position I would agree with all she’s saying and emphasise but not offer any real ideas as she will only see you as someone else to blame
Just be there for her and praise any parts that are completed

I have moved many times . Her upsetment is understandsblr . Try just listening and not being
SO JUDGEy . You Are not really a very good friend .

It's really hard to cope with an angry friend especially when you're trying to sympathesise and be helpful.
As you've been friends for a long time I guess that she thinks that it's okay .
Either you walk away from your relationship or you grin and bear it or perhaps tell her how you feel .
I'm feeling disenchanted with several of my friends.
I really don't feel well and they don't seem to understand that I get tired.
I continue to be polite,sympathetic and caring towards them and I can't say that they offer the same courtesies to me .
And I've got increasingly fed up with it .

Would she consider employing a project manager?

www.checkatrade.com/blog/cost-guides/house-renovation-project-manager-cost/

Not sure that checkatrade is a reliable source, but there will be others.