Child free and smug

Galaxy

I am deeply wary of people who speak about how wonderful their lives and choices are.

So am l

You are not allowed to be less than happy an ecstatic 24 hours a day.

Very patronising and really false

Think this may stem from all those shiney, happy fake people on Face Book etc who live in a permanent state of total positivity almost Nirvana like in its construction.

But just wait until the Good Life starts to unravel. Boo hoo

To quote Tony Bennett

Oh, the good life, full of fun seems to be the ideal
Mm, the good life lets you hide all the sadness you feel

Get real people.

AuntieE

hollysteers

There are two or three married/with partners female journalists on Instagram who extol the joys of their chosen child free lifestyle and appear disdainful of ‘breeders’.
Of course we can now choose, but they say they knew from say the age of seven they would never have children, are not missing out and don’t regret it.
How do they know?
I had no idea what joy having children would bring me, it wasn’t particularly planned or longed for.
Interestingly, two of them now have dogs and are besotted with them, which shows they do have reserves of love they might have found for children.
How can they be so sure?

Sounds like sour grapes to me!

Not to me. What makes you say that AuntieE:?

Definition of sour grapes:- Saying something is undesirable because they want it themselves and can't have it.

Newsflash: Not all women want children or are jealous of
women who have children.

Galaxy

It is funny how different we all are, the last thing I would ever want is my children caring for me, that is just not what I want for them.

Nor me that is for sure, I have done it myself for many years and know too well what it entails. Definitely not wanted from my child, nor would it be offered. I am so pleased we agree on that one at least.

Growing up I wasn’t really into baby dolls and prams, although I had both. I had no real contact with babies or small children until about 10/11 when my best friend’s brother had a little girl, my own niece and nephews did arrive until I was 15. Again I didn’t really see the joy in a screaming baby or cleaning dirty nappies. I had a miscarriage 18 months after we got married and it was only then it hit me that I did want children. It wasn’t an easy journey but I did go onto have 3 boys and 1 girl. I believe if I hadn’t been able to conceive I’d have divorced my DH, as he turned out to be an amazing uncle, father and I wouldn’t have wanted to deny him the opportunity. We now have 2 gorgeous Gd’s who we get to spend a lot of time with. I could’ve lived without children but am so grateful I didn’t have to.

hollysteers

There are two or three married/with partners female journalists on Instagram who extol the joys of their chosen child free lifestyle and appear disdainful of ‘breeders’.
Of course we can now choose, but they say they knew from say the age of seven they would never have children, are not missing out and don’t regret it.
How do they know?
I had no idea what joy having children would bring me, it wasn’t particularly planned or longed for.
Interestingly, two of them now have dogs and are besotted with them, which shows they do have reserves of love they might have found for children.
How can they be so sure?

Sounds like sour grapes to me!

We are childless though not from choice. But I wouldn't want children simply to attend to us in old age. I recall a multiparous grannie saying 'the Lord had sent her the last daughter to look after her in old age': that daughter never married.

Cariad I and a lot of other women managed to have babies without it doing any harm to our bodies either at the time or later. Yes, obviously some people do suffer irreversable changes, but to suggest that it is the norm is a gross exageration.

I wanted children and had children, whom I love dearly, but I am not what is described as the 'maternal' type. I was always clear that I intended to return to work at the first practical moment. Both DH and I had working mothers and I had other interests and activities that I also pursued. My parenting philosophy can best be described as good healthy neglect.

It doesn't seem to have harmed my children in anyway. We are still a close family. My DD's decision to be childless was based on her insight into her own personality, the same insight that told her that she could not cope with childrn also told her that the compromises any relationship might require were not within her capapcity.

It certainly was not based on negative experiences in childhood. She always made it absoutely clear that she could bring herself up quite satisfactorily if only her parents would stop interfering.

She is now in her mid 50s and has never regretted her decisions.

Aldom

Allira

As I put it - "I've come from a line of women who aren't mums

Sorry, I'm being a bit dense here but I'm
Is it just me?

No, Allira I too wonder how a person came into existence from a line of women who weren't mothers????

It's the heat getting to us Aldom 😁

Kandinsky

I personally, think it’s still fairly unusual for a woman to never want children.

I disagree Kandinsky I have friends and a daughter who are quite clear about not wanting children, they are not such a minority.
I was quite clear about not wanting more children in the early 70s but needed my husband's permission to be sterilised. Thank goodness we have moved on.

Allira

^As I put it - "I've come from a line of women who aren't mums^

Sorry, I'm being a bit dense here but I'm
Is it just me?

No, Allira I too wonder how a person came into existence from a line of women who weren't mothers????

Casdon

I don’t know - I had an aunt, and have a friend, who both opted not to have their own children because as older children in their own families, they ended up looking after a number of younger siblings a lot of the time. My aunt was married, but she liked nice things, and the peace of her own home, she was quite open in saying that she knew all about children, and didn’t want them herself - she was a quiet person.

Worked with somebody who was the eldest in a large family and who never wanted children.

She said, I don’t want to that all over again.

I wonder if negative experiences in early childhood have an impact - demanding siblings, over burdened parents.

Whether being in a nursery from babyhood has an impact on perception of parental roles.

Gosh, it’s a great research topic.

I don’t know - I had an aunt, and have a friend, who both opted not to have their own children because as older children in their own families, they ended up looking after a number of younger siblings a lot of the time. My aunt was married, but she liked nice things, and the peace of her own home, she was quite open in saying that she knew all about children, and didn’t want them herself - she was a quiet person.

As I put it - "I've come from a line of women who aren't mums

Sorry, I'm being a bit dense here but I'm
Is it just me?

Lathyrus3

Perhaps not but I think they do display a lack of interest in “parenting play”.

Dolls as babies, looking after younger siblings, that sort of thing bores them.

Whether children who aren’t interested in that pretend parenting role go on to be those who chose not to have children, I have no idea.

It would make an interesting piece of research for somebody.

That was me as a child. No real interest in playing with dolls or anything like that whatsoever. I was an only child, so no siblings either. Horses and books were pretty much the only thing which interested me. As I said earlier in the thread, I love my children and grandchildren to bits, but I would never describe myself as being the 'maternal' type. I never cooed over other people's babies either - I had never even held a baby until I had my daughter.

I've never had the slightest inclination to have children personally. As I put it - "I've come from a line of women who aren't mums - and we'd got to the 1970s by then (my "turn") and so that line stopped". I've been very glad I had the chance to get the Pill and then get sterilised. My only regret is the NHS made me pay for my own sterilisation!!!! (I'd still like a refund for the cost of that from them - and don't understand why I had to pay for MY choice - when people who made the other choice didnt have to pay for theirs!).

Add the fact that - though we really werent told much at all about what pregnancy/childbirth/possible permanent effects on womens bodies was back in that era (WHY not???? - they should have told us all...so we were making fully informed choices) - I managed to pick up enough information to know that all that did not sound like it would be good and I might be left with a permanently damaged body (if only looks-wise).

Certainly I could clearly see that men weren't left with issues from pregnancy and childbirth - and so wondered why women so often are.

I absolutely made the right choice for me. But "note to NHS = can I have back the £2,000-£3,000 in today's money you owe me please for all that?". I still struggle to get my head round the way we were even told to pay a prescription charge for the Pill initially when I started taking it - which they thankfully changed part way through that to making them free.

I still recall asking the doctor I'd had back then for the Pill (that would have 1973 I think) and him belittling me/making out I didn't know what I was asking for and refusing. Thankfully not a problem for long - as within the year I'd moved to Denmark and went to a doctor there and asked for it and that more modern/liberal country gave it to me without batting an eyelash or trying to override my right to decide about that (and I don't recall them charging me for the prescription either). So when I came back to England it was easy to choose another doctor anyway and just say "I'm on Eugynon 50 and I need another prescription for it please" and no eyelids were batted that time (having presented them with that Danish fait accompli) - other than my own eyelashes at being made to pay for it initially.

Yep......I'm primarily someone who thinks with logic (emotions come second) and hence I hadn't got/ever had a boyfriend the first time I asked (ie in England). I just thought "I'm adult age now - and so at some point soon......and better be ready for that".

My eldest daughter was a complete Tomboy. Never played with dolls or did anything particularly ‘girly’ - she was massively into football. which was quite unusual back then ( the 90’s ) I was convinced she was a lesbian - which would have been absolutely fine of course.

She’s now a happily married mother of two children who are her absolute world.
She still loves football though 😀

Perhaps not but I think they do display a lack of interest in “parenting play”.

Dolls as babies, looking after younger siblings, that sort of thing bores them.

Whether children who aren’t interested in that pretend parenting role go on to be those who chose not to have children, I have no idea.

It would make an interesting piece of research for somebody.

How many children aged in single digits even comprehend parenthood?

Well exactly. I find this pretty unbelievable tbh.

I never wanted children. I did like them but felt they would restrict my lifestyle. However, when my marriage broke up and I met another partner I became pregnant and I can honestly say it was the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. I have a wonderful daughter and delightful granddaughter. I believe that everyone has a right to make their own choices but I echo other OPs who say that you can never know what joy children bring unless you have them.

Kandinsky

I personally, think it’s still fairly unusual for a woman to never want children.

I disagree (respectfully).

As women have become more emancipated and their options have increased - not only in the workplace but in education, the Arts, etc - I believe it has become more common for women not to want to have children.

What I would question is the idea that those who say they knew from a very early age - in early childhood - that they didn't want children.

How many children aged in single digits even comprehend parenthood?

I think that is unusual.

Yes, exactly Casdon. It's got to be a good thing that we now live in an age when people do have the choice (obviously I'm not talking about people who can't have children, but those who choose not to). We should be celebrating that.

They are babies and children for a very short time. What you are really having is an adult, who with any luck will be a friend.

I think a lot of people who never wanted children did have them in the past, because contraception was poor, and it was the expected thing. It might partly explain why so many on Gransnet tell of childhoods where they were unloved and neglected. It’s good that women who don’t want children now feel free to say so - but being smug about either having, or not having them is equally odd.

Kandinsky

I personally, think it’s still fairly unusual for a woman to never want children.

Really? Why? I think it's perfectly understandable. Not everyone is the maternal type. Don't get wrong, I don't for one second regret having my children, but for years I never thought I wanted children and I'm certainly not the type to coo over babies. I can definitely see why people don't want to have children.

I personally, think it’s still fairly unusual for a woman to never want children.