Soon to be daughter in laws kids Christmas dilemma

What you do now will be very important in the future. So I think that the amount spent is not important, compared to the fact that they are all treated equally from day one. Whatever happens , they will be part of your family as your new daughter in law is. To make a difference now would be very hurtful to both them and her and also your son, as he is starting out with a new family so tobe welcoming and to be seen to be welcoming is what will matter both now and in the future. So I would try to find out what their interests are, an a possibility could be a book or something that is about their hobbies or interests. So you will be showing that you have been interested enough to find out about their lives, from your daughter in law. Another thing would be a nice card each with a voucher from somewhere like boots or waterstones or even argos, depending if they have these stores near them. That way they can choose what they want, or it can be used to buy something that they regularly buy and then the cash they save can be spent elsewhere.

By asking your d i l about them and their interests, again you show that you acknowledge their part in the family, so that you are not ignoring them, but obviously at the moment you know little about them. Who knows what the future may bring, but it is important that you start on the right foot.

These children may be very apprehensive about the fact that their mother is about to have another child, and need to know that they are still important and have their place in her life. Therefore to some extent you will also be part of their lives, whether this is a large or small part. If you get the opportunity to be an actual part of their lives, then you will build your own relationship with them, and it may bring you much pleasure in the future watching them grow.

If you are worried about this, you might speak to your son, and ask him if he thinks that they would like a book or a voucher. Again you are showing that you understand his new situation and are accepting and welcoming this change. You will obviously be very excited about this new baby, which is natural, but I think you could really alienate all or some of the family if you left these children out. Just think back to when your son was their age and how you might have felt, if you were in your d i l 's shoes. Wishing you happiness in the new family and welcoming you to gransnet. You will find a great deal of knowledge and interest on here, some that will be helpful and others that you may disagree with or ignore. That will be your choice but I think this can be a great community to be part of and be in contact with, so please keep reading and joining in the many discussions here.

Exactly. Accepting a child and making them feel welcomed is never wrong, imo.

Very true MercuryQueen.

I have a friend whose parents divorced and her dad remarried. His second wife had 2 daughters both
younger than her. My friend, an only
child, lived with her mum.

She has a vivid memory of visiting her dad and meeting her step sisters. She adored her dad.
The first thing she noticed were photos of the sisters on the mantlepiece but none of her.

As I sad before, buy presents for them all!
I always keep "tree" presents which I give to any visiting children at Christmas time. Often just a pretty purse containing coins or sweets.

I think leaving kids out is a completely terrible thing to do 🤷🏻‍♀️

Kids have no vote in any of the decisions their parents make and deserve kindness whenever possible.

And if you have any hope of a positive relationship with your DIL, ignoring her older kids will destroy that

Why now , in August?

If you live in the UK / The Works sell a fantastic selection of crafts/books for adults and children.
I use this shop a great deal for inexpensive gifts .

There are so many small inexpensive things to buy kids
at Christmas it should not be difficult to get them something.
Buy a couple of chocolate Santas , you can always justify
a reason to eat them yourself if they are not needed as gifts.

This is a personal pov. I have several little 'uns that I buy small presents for - birthday & Christmas - that I'm not sure they'd know me if I met them in the street. Why? Because I have a family tie to their parents/grandparents etc.

I might see more of them in the future, with blended families you just never know

I’d buy a mug for each child, especially to use to your house to give them a sense of being welcome and permanent. Maybe fill the mug with sweet treats when you wrap them. Do you have a toy box for visiting children, also colouring pens and paper with a couple of board games? If not, this is a good time to visit a charity shop and buy scrabble , ludo or suchlike. These items will act as an icebreaker, time filler to get over initial awkwardness. No need to spend much, a sincerely warm welcome and showing an interest in them is what matters.

I have “steps” from my S, and my exDIL , mother of my GD1 has children with her 2nd husband.
They are my GD’s siblings and are treated as GC.
One now has a child of her own and I am referred to as Nanna to him.
I would buy your S’s steps a token gift, they will be happy I am sure.

I married a widower with 2 children when I was a widow also with 2 children. On our first Christmas together we invited his late wife’s family for Boxing Day. They arrived with presents for their biological grandchildren but nothing for my children whom they had already met. My DD1 was 15 at the time. She’s now 45 and has never forgotten this.

I have a step granddaughter, although I don't often refer to her as that.
She is simply one of my grandchildren and I always treat them all the same, when it comes to presents.

How old are these children? Assuming that they do stay with their birth mother why not make up an activity box containing paper, crayons, colouring books, glue stick……..keeping it age appropriate of course. Suggest that this is kept at mums home for when they’re visit perhaps. If they’re ever likely to visit your home perhaps suggest it’s kept there.
I’m not implying that the children shouldn’t have things at their own home……more an idea for them to feel welcome wherever they visit.

We have 2 step grandsons but they are counted among our family. Although they see their biological father, they see DS2 as their 'Dad' so they are our grandchildren.

So, yes, buy presents. I like Dorrain's idea.

Boobaby 84, perhaps you could organise one gift which all three children will enjoy. A board game, puzzle, Lego or a something for the outdoors they could share?

My grandchildren have step grandparents .2 from my daughter and one from my son.Both sets of “step” grandparents have from day one just told people they have x number of Gra children and treat them as their own.
I find it sad that anyone would treat children differently ,my Gra daughters step gran even takes her out on her own without her two wee sisters for granny Gra daughter day and always tells people she’s her oldest grandchild.The 2 who are my daughters have a great relationship with granny Anne and Grandpa Joe who are in contact often from their home 400 miles away.
Why would you ever treat children differently by leaving them out of celebrations? No wonder there are a lot of sad disillusioned young people ,victims of broken relationships and not embraced by new families.
Or maybe we just do things differently here!

Everyone loves a present. It shows you care about them especially if they know who you are.

It doesn't need to be expensive. Something age appropriate and fun.

All children from broken homes, not ‘have’

Elsi - all children have broken homes have a lot on their plate, don’t you think?

Why do the children quote "have a lot on their plate ?

I think you should give your soon-to-be d.i.ls kids a gift each. You shouldn’t leave them out. You don’t have to spend the same amount on them, as you would on your own grandchild (when it arrives). But the fact remains, they are, in effect, your step GC
Even though they live with their father, they will, I’m sure, be spending time with their mother and your son, over the Christmas period. And, you will get to meet them, I’m sure.
That’s my opinion, for what it’s worth.

If the children live with the dad and you haven’t had any kind of relationship with them, why would you need to buy gifts?
If, however, you have seen the children fairly regularly when they are with their mother then a voucher would probably suffice, but no need to pay too much if your budget is tight.

My son had a stepson although he is no longer in his life. When he was though, I never gave him gifts.

It’s 4 months until Christmas, don’t worry about it yet.

If they visit you at Christmas it is reasonable to give gifts, you dont say if you have actually met the children, if you havn’t met them, dont give presents this year.

Troubled young children, many from broken homes are just that.