When do you cease to be 'new around here'

Read the notice at the paypoint for parking you can't go wrong. Read the notice in the street if you are parking on the high street, again you can't go wrong. I just don't understand how you complain, surely there are notices, there are in abundance in our small town.

I know how you feel. My health has not allowed me to interact as much as I would usually do! It’s been longer than I would have expected!

olderme

I'm my area, I think I will be an 'incomer' until I am an 'outgoer'

Same here, 14 yrs and still considered a newbie who knows nothing - quite amusing at times but can also seem very unfriendly and isolating.

mabon2

Read the notice at the paypoint for parking you can't go wrong. Read the notice in the street if you are parking on the high street, again you can't go wrong. I just don't understand how you complain, surely there are notices, there are in abundance in our small town.

There are lots of different types of carparks in our area. Some you can top up, some you have to pay from the start, others you pay at the end, some by phone, some only by cash, others only by card. I'm walking disabled and often the instructions are nowhere near the parking space but the shop is. I can't always remember the rules and I can't always walk the distance to the noticeboard. Driving past the space to read the notice will probably leave me without a parking space in a busy car park. It is quite easy to get it wrong!

Moving here 6 years ago 100+ miles for where I used to live moved to the north west. I had a home again my old house was just a house after my husband died. I was accepted by my neighbours straight away and my postman knocked my door after 3 days to introduce himself. Have wonderful GPs who send me to see cardiologist and neurologist. Completely changed my life . Healthcare here is fair better than the had . Travel system is very good . Not met a nasty person yet.

I will never set foot in the area I came from ever again this is my home my happy place . Joined groups with shared interests. I live me life to the full before my move I existed had no life .

Give yourself a chance. What would you say to someone who had only been in your previous area for 3 weeks. Sure yoj wouldn't expect them to know all that's going on. Oh, I've been with medical practice for 16 years and still don't know how it works!

One way you cease to be "new around here" is when you start telling someone newer how something works.

M0nica, I think you're someone who is used to being pretty much in control of what you do and what goes on around you. And I think you're feeling somewhat adrift.
Give yourself a break! You don't have to be competent at everything straight away.
What are your neighbours like? They must be a source of local knowledge, your tradespeople doing the work on your house.

Reading some of the responses to MOnica's post makes me think that a few posters' have misunderstood the question she posed.

When I moved here I recall thinking "Which way round do these things go re meeting the (handful) of immediate neighbours?" and assuming it was probably their job to ring on my door and introduce themselves and not mine to ring their doorbell. I'm never quite sure which way round these things are supposed to go - but assume it's probably them that is supposed to make the first move.

I thought "Finally!" when it was Christmas about two months after I moved in and next door neighbour invited me in for Christmas drinks and said she'd invited others from a nearby house and they'd accepted. So I duly went in and all prepared to accept a glass of sherry or two and have a "nibble" or two, and rather expecting a few basic personal questions of "Why did you move here? What job did you do before retirement?" etc etc.

So cue for the other neighbours that had said they'd come didn't do so (err hello.....they were only a matter of feet away). So I had my first sherry, first bit of nibbles and the general chit-chat I'd expected asking general questions.

Cue for being handed my 2nd glass of sherry and she lowered her head/frowned at me and proceeded to inform me that some friends of hers had wanted my house and hissed "...but YOU got it" at me. Cue for I nearly leapt back in my seat - as, as far as I was concerned, it had been a tatty little probate house sitting there on the market for some weeks and being sold in the normal way (ie on Rightmove). There was no way I could have known a couple of "locals" had set their eyes on it and were deliberately waiting to "make a move" after the house had been sitting there looking unwanted/little visible interest for months. If they wanted it = why didnt they go straight for it when the chance was there?

Thankfully, she's moved on in upwards (or more likely downwards direction) so to say, though her replacement is a friend of hers #sighs.

It's not been easy - because the previous next door neighbour regarded herself/was regarded as "Somebody" in the local community - where what it looked like to me was an old retired woman who I was hoping to be polite to/have low-level friendly type relations with/feed any cats/take in any parcels etc - but certainly not be told what to do.

It's taken a lot of doing after she'd "stirred it" to make a reasonable fist of living here I have to admit.

Other things to be aware of was that I had to go through quite a succession of "regular tradespeople etc" to get "mine". In hindsight - I could have shortcut it a bit by just finding out who are the dearest ones and going straight for them to get the standard I'm used to (though they werent the dearest there). Yep....dearest dentist (whew!), dearest hairdresser (whew!). I've learnt that the trick is basically to find the dearest one of the people available and check out if they're also incomers and, if I get both aspects of that = they're probably "mine" that I will use after that. If they are the dearest and incomers too and men = they're definitely "mine" I've found and I could have saved myself going through several of each first before I got to one I decided was "mine".

If one hasn't moved far, is a more "woman" type woman (not a person who happens to be a woman - but expect everyone to ignore that fact and just treat me as a "person" iyswim). It felt quite odd to be thrown back to the 1950s by expectations that there would be a "housewife" living in my home to deal with things - whilst I was wishing a "1950s housewife" would turn up and take over from me...whilst I got on with other things. Tradesmen had started to treat me seriously about some point in my late 30's - so I'd had a couple of decades of that before I was back to "How can I get things back to normal and get that 'serious' treatment again?"

So it can take (a lot) longer to be "established" in some new places than others I've found....

let me be clear. I am not accusing anyone in our new area of being unfriendly or anything on a personl basis. On the contrary, we find people in our new area delightful and helpful.

It is just the question that everything is done differently and there is so much to learn, as, I said, how the surgery works, how the tip works, how the car parking works, how to get prescriptions, what to expect in the local surmarket. We have exactly the same supermarkets in our new town as in our old, but the range of goods they stock is entirely different. I am always asking for items I took for granted at our previous location. For example my old Waitrose stocked a wide range of organic products especially chicken and raw meat. The one in our new town doesn't seem to stock anything organic, presumably because of lack ofdemand. So I am always asking for things they do not stockand then apologising by saying, 'Sorry, I am new here. I hae always been able to buy x, y or z, in my previous local Waitrose.

I am just wondering when this excuse wears thin, 6 months, 9 minths, 1 year?

Is there a farm shop or similar selling organic food locally M0nica?

I moved 7 years ago. I never made that excuse- I just got used to my new neighbourhood by walking around and being observant. It was pretty obvious when bin day was because everyone put their bins out, and to be fair you can look up all your neighbourhood info on-line.

One thing I didn't reckon on was how protective people were about what they thought were 'their' parking spaces- this led to a bit of discord with the neighbours for a while, but it isn't an issue now because I know the family next door are topdogs not to be crossed, so I now know my place lol!

Funny that the other day my friend asked me if I ever go in the pub across the road. I have been in a few times but I told her it's 'only for locals,' she pointed out that I was a local, but I said I wouldn't be one probably for about ten years! It is that sort of place, but people are friendly and neighbourly if you know your place in the pecking order lol!

Absolutely MOnica.
I find a big difference between what’s available here and at my Mum’s local shops on the South coast . Luckily I have been running two shopping lists for long enough to not get confused anymore, but it took a while!

Maybe farm shops or home delivery could come to your rescue in the short term?

Hope you get your ‘sea legs’ soon.

Grammaretto

Is there a farm shop or similar selling organic food locally M0nica?

No, it is clearly something the locals are not into.

We moved here 6 years ago and my next door neighbour greeted me with a bottle of wine and a happy new home card. Lovely people we help each other but don't live in each other's pockets.
Some new people moved by a church and complained about the bells ringing. Church stopped the bells and they were ostracised so sold up and moved. Others bought houses behind a large supermarket then campaigned to stop night deliveries. Then everyone complained about no fresh products until the afternoon like milk etc. So the night lorries came back. Another woman bought a house on a private lane that's also a right of way. Sent photos to the council of people walking their dogs without a lead in the lane. Locals told her she was hated here and nobody liked her. It's a small town so local council soon knew who it was and words spread.
If you are sociable, helpful kind, don't make waves and fit in you will be happy anywhere. We've never had a problem anywhere we've lived.

I think I did not make my OP clear. I was really thinking about when does the excuse 'Sorry, I only moved here recently' cease to be a excuse when I do something wrong or crash through systems that everyone else understands.

Can I still get into a muddle at the GP surgery this time next year and still say, Sorry, I am new here, I am not used to doing things this way, or is that only good for 3 or 6 months?

I understand now. All communities have their idiosyncracies. Finding your feet, as I put in my previous response, takes a lot longer than a few weeks.

In my case it may take a few more years yet, before I become a local, and may never really do so.

I think the answer is to keep searching for people who will fill you in as you go along.

I was told before moving house that my new neighbour was really looking forward to me moving in. She did not welcome me as I thought she might, and the truth is we barely speak. I find this odd but there you go...

Living 50 years in one place is a long time- and I am sure you welcomed newcomers?

I have given up trying to figure out the locals here, but they are friendly and I feel very safe.

I wonder if you are having second thoughts about your move?

keepingquiet

I moved 7 years ago. I never made that excuse- I just got used to my new neighbourhood by walking around and being observant. It was pretty obvious when bin day was because everyone put their bins out, and to be fair you can look up all your neighbourhood info on-line.

One thing I didn't reckon on was how protective people were about what they thought were 'their' parking spaces- this led to a bit of discord with the neighbours for a while, but it isn't an issue now because I know the family next door are topdogs not to be crossed, so I now know my place lol!

Funny that the other day my friend asked me if I ever go in the pub across the road. I have been in a few times but I told her it's 'only for locals,' she pointed out that I was a local, but I said I wouldn't be one probably for about ten years! It is that sort of place, but people are friendly and neighbourly if you know your place in the pecking order lol!

Oh dear - and I'm betting you are single or a widow now. I have the suspicion wives manage better (ie because they get taken more seriously - because they've got a husband iyswim).

I've found the people I get friendliest with here are other incomers basically. I was told by a friend of mine who is half-British/half-foreign (German) that this little town functions on the fact that so many people are related to someone else here or have been to school with them. I suspect people here are much more "family" oriented - whereas I'm used to a place where people basically come as "individuals".

There seems to be three overall "groups" - 1. locals (as many of them don't move away) 2. People who came in with either the first or second wave of hippies that moved here and very much oriented towards "back to the land"3. Others who have moved here.

So I basically relate to groups 2 and 3 and tend to find group 2 the easiest overall - a more "you do you" outlook.

But I'm wincing at you observing other peoples "pecking order" on your behalf. Though I think people like that that want to be "top of pecking order" have realised by now NOT to treat me as a "woman" (as I've spent decades being treated as a "person" and so they're likely to get comments along "back in the history books/I remember when people USED to do so-and-so"). Errrm...you can tell that's not the worlds wisest way for them to treat me....as I go purely and simply by what's normal (across the whole of Britain), what the law states etc.

Yes, I am single and so is my next door neighbour. I do think single women are regarded with suspicion, and this was backed up when I went to some local meetings of groups I had been very active in elsewhere. They clearly thought me odd and I'm good at picking up vibes.
To this day I don't attend local groups for this reason.
The irony is that I returned to the locality where I grew up, and soon realised why I had left at the age of 19.
Because my family and some very old friends, are still here, and so my social life revolves around them. I still know very few people here, even after seven years, except to exchange social pleasantries with.
I didn't realise that I was moving next door (on the other side) to the local kingpins, either. This does have advantages as they seem to accet me now they know I'm not renting out the house or selling it to someone else. I know how to be a good neighbour so although they annoy me at times they also leave me alone too. I learned not to be over-friendly.
I have pointed out the 'law' in the past, especially over the parking issue, and to be fair they seemed to warm to me after that. No one seems to want to rock the boat here- and I can
see how that works for me too in my situation.
Hardly anyone sells their home here- it is a very settled and typically English population I think. Don't bother me and I'll leave you alone too, sort of thing.

One of the ladies in my area, a small town of just over 3,000, moved here and had an antiques shop. She retired in 2024 but had had it for ... 23 years, I think... and she's STILL classified as ''new'' to the area!

I've only been here since 2017 and am still seen as a newcomer!

It's quite ''rural'' here, with a couple of big main farms and the farmers in their 90s+ won't let their kids, all adults, write business checks without mum/dad permission!

Families that have been here for centuries - the adult kids are told ''you MUST vote for this party because your great-great-great-great-great-grandad did and all his family after, and me, you CAN'T vote for anyone else ...we have our traditions! You're the black sheep if you don't!

Same with various jobs! You have GOT to be a miner/housewife because that's what great-great... did!

We're a weird bunch of cucumbers around here!

''

Oh dear - and I'm betting you are single or a widow now. I have the suspicion wives manage better (ie because they get taken more seriously - because they've got a husband iyswim).

When I fail to understand the parking system because it is slightly different from the one I am accustomed to, had it been very different, it would have been easier, what has the fact that I have a husband got to do with it?

Come to that adapting to a new prescription regime, how is that improved by having a husband?

In the small everyday things I am muttering about, whether I am married and have living husband is profoundly irrelevant as no one knows one way or the other when the problems arise.

The town I have moved to was London overspill in the 1960s and has huge new estates going up now, no one is going to reject me or exclude me because we are new to the area, so is almost everyone we meet.

M0nica

let me be clear. I am not accusing anyone in our new area of being unfriendly or anything on a personl basis. On the contrary, we find people in our new area delightful and helpful.

It is just the question that everything is done differently and there is so much to learn, as, I said, how the surgery works, how the tip works, how the car parking works, how to get prescriptions, what to expect in the local surmarket. We have exactly the same supermarkets in our new town as in our old, but the range of goods they stock is entirely different. I am always asking for items I took for granted at our previous location. For example my old Waitrose stocked a wide range of organic products especially chicken and raw meat. The one in our new town doesn't seem to stock anything organic, presumably because of lack ofdemand. So I am always asking for things they do not stockand then apologising by saying, 'Sorry, I am new here. I hae always been able to buy x, y or z, in my previous local Waitrose.

I am just wondering when this excuse wears thin, 6 months, 9 minths, 1 year?

Ah, when I lived where you are living, Monica, I used to catch the bus into the next town and go to the Waitrose there.

Much better selection.

This was in the days when you could get a free cup of coffee.

Free bus, free coffee, free newspaper in the cafe - a nice little mornings outing and all for free🎉

The thing I found in my new town was the directions.

People would say “Next to the old Post Office” or “at the back of the rubber factory”.

Neither of which(when I found them) bore any resemblance to their original function🤔

Aldom

Reading some of the responses to MOnica's post makes me think that a few posters' have misunderstood the question she posed.

Situation normal 😉