If there’s anything I can do….

I have a good friend who lost her husband earlier this year. We text each other everyday discuss our plans for the day and life in general.
I've offered to visit but as yet she hasn't agreed to this. She goes out everyday to a social group and I think she prefers this to having visitors and staying at home. I understand this as when I lost my husband I wanted a reason to go out every day. When she ready I will visit. Till then, thank goodness for WhatsApp.

Sago

When someone is in crisis I tend to do the following.

The first is to cook, many casseroles, lasagnes, cakes etc have been delivered to friends and neighbours in a crisis.

The second is practical help, child care, dog walking, offering a taxi service.

The third is to listen.

The above is what I would like to receive if I was in need.

You are clearly the kind of friend everyone needs. Those are precisely the kinds of help I valued when my husband died young. I had primary school age children and badly needed practical help and a listening ear.

When our lovely nephew died aged 16, we were all obviously devastated and at a loss (I was visiting him in hospital when he died). My brother and sister-in-law (his parents) had a toddler to at the time. We did all we could although we were all grieving too. We cooked for them, got their shopping etc, were there to talk. My sister-in-law never got over it (obviously) and collapsed and died aged 49. We were there for my brother and our nephew as best we could.

A friend who recently had to give up driving I know would hate to ask anyone to give her a lift. So I said to her on Sunday I will pick you up at 10 am. Her thanks was so profusive I was almost embarrassed. So being specific is the ideal and if it's not needed the person will say so.

I have had a lot of the 'let me know if there is anything I can do' from friends since my husband's major stroke, and I have had offers to sit with him, since I can't leave him. But when I ask 'could you give him a urine bottle', the answer is understandably 'no, sorry'. Most offers came in February after the stroke first happened, and whilst it was good to know people cared, I didn't want meals prepared then as I ate at the hospital where I spent all my time. Would be lovely now he is home, but I guess people have assumed we are now coping.

Friends checking up by phoning every few weeks helps a lot, those that are happy to listen to worries and tell me how their lives are going. If your loved one has a major stroke, it is a form of bereavement, the person you love has gone forever. You are left with a different dependent one who makes you feel fiercely protective, as you would with a child, you see elements of the old DH, but he will never be the same again. You can't take up offers of trips out for coffee or lunches, day trips with U3A that you used to enjoy, trips into London are just memories, and you fear you are becoming boring and uninteresting due to not doing anything worth talking about.

There are amazing people who really know how to care. An anonymous donor has set up an account with a local taxi firm to provide a wheelchair accessible taxi to take us to and from Church each week. That gives us something to look forward to and means the world.

B9exchange

I have had a lot of the 'let me know if there is anything I can do' from friends since my husband's major stroke, and I have had offers to sit with him, since I can't leave him. But when I ask 'could you give him a urine bottle', the answer is understandably 'no, sorry'. Most offers came in February after the stroke first happened, and whilst it was good to know people cared, I didn't want meals prepared then as I ate at the hospital where I spent all my time. Would be lovely now he is home, but I guess people have assumed we are now coping.

Friends checking up by phoning every few weeks helps a lot, those that are happy to listen to worries and tell me how their lives are going. If your loved one has a major stroke, it is a form of bereavement, the person you love has gone forever. You are left with a different dependent one who makes you feel fiercely protective, as you would with a child, you see elements of the old DH, but he will never be the same again. You can't take up offers of trips out for coffee or lunches, day trips with U3A that you used to enjoy, trips into London are just memories, and you fear you are becoming boring and uninteresting due to not doing anything worth talking about.

There are amazing people who really know how to care. An anonymous donor has set up an account with a local taxi firm to provide a wheelchair accessible taxi to take us to and from Church each week. That gives us something to look forward to and means the world.

Same here B9exchange. I love the idea in your last paragraph. How kind is that?

About an hour ago my doorbell went and it was a friend dropping off some flowers and tomatoes from her allotment. That meant so much to me. She stayed for coffee and had a good chat with my husband which perked him up no end.

Even little things mean such a lot!

I think, when someone you know is dealing with grief or trauma, we often want to do something but feel inadequate … I learned to play to my strengths. I’m good at form filling, the benefit system and sorting admin, I could no longer bake a cake, cook a casserole or do a pile of ironing to save my life let alone some one else’s.

Although this hasn’t happened to me (yet!) my friends that have been bereaved or ill or need help, I think I’ve been there for them, hopefully. It has certainly made me realise that if you need some assistance or just a chat, you certainly know who your real friends are. It’s all too easy to say let me know if there’s anything I can do, but most people don’t like to ask for what they really want or need. Just put yourself in their shoes.

Sometimes the timing is important. I knew someone, but was not at that time a specific friend, who had a little boy, who was affected by the rhesus negative thing, as a second child and it was not picked up So he was very disabled and cared for and loved by friends and family and I knew that she was usually doing the movement therapy , where you move the patients arms and legs etc. at about 11am and at 4pm .

When he died very suddenly, from an infection of something else , not only was there the grief, but those times of day were worse for her. I saw her on the street about 3 days after the little boy died, and went across to say how sorry I was and that he would be missed by everyone. Then after the funeral and all the attention, had died down I tried to watch the time and so I would invite her for coffee, or drop in about 15 minutes before those times or ring to see how she was. I did not mention that to her, and knew that it would not stop her being aware, but hoped it might make things a little better on that day. for her.
Over time we became friends and did quite a lot of things together. It was only when another friend had a bereavment , and I was saying that I was going to go across to tell her that I would be free on tuesday am and thursday pm if she wanted to be driven to anywhere or I could get things for her, as she didnt drive. that this lady told me that I had been the only person who had gone across to speak to her deliberately, when she had seen people crossing the street to look as though they had not seen her, and even worse some people had actually said it was a blessing in disguise that he had died . How painful for her to have people thinking that because he was disabled that he would not be missed in every way.

So the timing could be a specific thing like that but also I know as a widow myself , there are times I am fine being on my own, but if I hit a low patch, weekends can be very lonely, as people naturally are out and about with their families, and busy, but even a phone call on a dark evening can lift your spirits, and as others say, a definite offer of "would you like to come swimming with us this saturday, " rather than come swimming with us sometime, is really appreciated.

I know this could be redundant these days, with emails and phones etc, but if I knew someone in hospital for a little while, I used to get two different boxes of notelets and envelopes. and put half of each in one box. If there were 6 I would put 4 second class stamps on envelopes and 2 first class. Then I would give them the box, so that could write little notes of thanks or whatever and as the stamp was on them, they could ask anyone to drop them in the post for them. There was a rather crafty secondary reason, in that while in hospital, a very few words of thanks and saying how you are is seen as totally satisfactory and you dont have to make contact with everyone straight away. You can also give yourself a day or two at home before you get any visitors, if you say you are not sure when you are getting home but will contact them when you get back!!

What I think is helpful, and has been to me in the past, is a specific invitation "some of us are meeting for coffee on Tuesday at X, would you like to join us? We can pick you up". You might say no, but it means a lot to be asked, and if you say yes it always does you good

My husband moved out many years ago and initially I still had my two teenagers here with me. Eventually both left for university and I was alone. One day my car wouldn't start so I went next door to ask if I could use their car to start it with my jump leads. As my neighbour was starting the car he mentioned he hadn't seen my son recently. When I said he was away at uni he said "What terrible neighbours we are not realising you are on your own!" But I responded by saying that they were good neighbours because I knew I could go to them for help when I needed it. During the pandemic one of my neighbours said "Let us know if you get ill and we can get shopping for you if you need it." I didn't need it but I knew they meant it and it was reassuring.
I'm the coordinator for the neighbourhood watch group in the road. I set up a WhatsApp group so people can give information to neighbours or ask for help. People don't use it much but it has been a great hellp. My alarm went off when I was 200 miles away and I got a phone notification. The neighbour who had a key wasn't answering his phone - turned out he too was away too - so I asked on the group if someone coild check the house. A neighbour I hardly know went round and said everything looked secure, so I reset the alarm remotely via the app. It's importsnt to have people you know you can ask when you need help or just company. I'm lucky to have good neighbours.

I find instead of "if there's anything I can do" if I say "so what needs doing" or " how can I help" people will usually tell me what I can do to help them.

Unfortunately, we've probably all had empty offer of help at times when we really needed support.

I had someone who I thought was a really good friend, we holidayed together, I dog sat for her for months at a time when her DH worked abroad and she went out to see him and we often went out for coffee or shopping together but when her husband died very suddenly she dropped our friendship. She used to be along to see us for coffee or tea sometimes six days a week.
I felt very hurt but I guess that’s how she wants it. The last time I saw her she deliberately walked out into the road to avoid saying hello.

Whiff You have encountered wonderful people and that 5 year old is a special being.

RosesandLilac, is it possible your friend isolated herself in the grip of grief. She might have felt you were ignoring her when you. Tossed the street because you didn’t know what to say after her husband died xx

I think the variety of answers and comments show just how subjective the whole scenario is. When I had BC vague offers were enough. I could respond or not. I would have hated people popping in with flowers or cakes. A simple text was much welcomed and appreciated, (and needed no reciprocal effort on my part.)Otherwise just leave me alone and let me get on with it. Being sociable is exhausting when you are ill. Just be there if I “ need anything”. Similarly when my eldest son died recently I knew people were out there, thinking of us and willing to help in any way they could. There were vague offers of help But they gave us space. My sister and her family arranged for a box of “ cook” frozen meals to be delivered. That was so appreciated. My point is we all deal with things differently. No right or wrongs. Sometimes its a damned - if -you-do and damned-if-you-dont situation.

I'm not a cook and hate ironing,
So my practical help to my newly widowed neighbour was to fetch her morning newspaper and any shopping she required , until she felt capable if doing it herself.
My DH helped with bins and odd jobs.

I also helped her navigate a new smart watch that her daughter given her for peace of mind ( on daughters part).

As family live abroad and some distance away in UK , I gave them my number and said anytime you are unable to contact your mum or concerned that she maybe unwell , just call me and I will pop round .

Happy to say that my neighbour is doing well , but we still keep an eye out for her.
I know she would do offer help if we needed it and would mean it.

Maybe it's easier to offer help and support when you live next door.

When my DH died there were many offers of “let me know if we can do anything “. My SIL just came to see me on several occasions with home made meals for my freezer. I am 14 months on and still appreciate true friends who help me with practical stuff - help in the garden or household tasks.

I must be the odd one out. When my husband died I was overwhelmed with visitors turning up to sympathise, so many flowers that I didn't have enough vases or places to put them. I didn't have a minute's peace, felt that I had to offer everyone cups of tea etc and my heart sank every time the doorbell rang. It sounds very ungrateful but I just wished everyone would leave me alone and give me some space. Of course I didn't say so, I know they meant well, but I just couldn't get on with all the things I needed to do.

My husband and son died this year, and my good friend messaged me every day, took me for coffee. I see her often for coffee. A neighbour had taken me to hospital when my son was in. She asks how I am. One niece took me to lunch. My other son and I message every day. No other family members contacted meafter sending cards. I value my friends more than family now.

Squiffy

Sometimes it can be something seemingly trivial that makes such a difference to someone. I had a friend who often had extended mini-breaks in hospital. I couldn’t visit, so I made sure that I texted every day and sent her silly jokes/cartoons.

This served two purposes - the first being to let her know that she hadn’t been forgotten and to make her laugh; the second reason was so that the nursing staff knew that someone was looking out for her and keeping an eye on things. Sadly, the latter was very necessary; the lack of care and errors were truly frightening.

I’ve been very surprised at how much texts and jokes etc have been appreciated by friends. It seems such a small thing to do!

Some years ago, a very dear friend was sent to a hospital 75miles away. I did manage to visit a couple of times, but I worked and had children, so that the best I could manage.
She knew she was dying and her friends knew too. They sent cards and short notes, but that was it. They didn’t mention anything going on it their lives (in case it might upset her). I asked my friend how she felt about this and she said she wanted to feel as normal as she could, and wanted to hear what her friends were doing and didn’t want sympathy.
Because I couldn’t visit as often as I would have liked, I started writing a short letter to her in the hospital every single day, telling her what I was up to, what the children were up to and things going on at her place of work, where I also worked. I ended each letter with a joke. Some were a little bit naughty and she loved them. Her husband told me that she looked forward to my daily letters and that they cheered her up.
When she died, and I was helping to arrange her funeral with her husband, he told me she had asked for all my letters to be buried in the coffin with her. I was very touched by that.

No Snowbell you are not the odd one out. When Mr J was diagnosed with cancer so many people just popped in, no prior contact to ask if it was okay. No understanding of his physical and emotional condition (plus mine). He was tired and worn out and these people did not understand when it was appropriate to leave. Instead of looking after him I was running around making constant cups of tea and sandwiches. Yes of course they meant well but it was as you say important to have some space. We were overwhelmed and exhausted by entertaining visitors. We should have explained how we were feeling and asked them to keep their visits short but were not in a great frame of mind to do so.

I'm not sure of the right things to say but for me the worse things were 'If you need anything just call' or 'I'm around if you want to chat'. When I was widowed the last thing I could think of was phoning someone 'fir a chat'. Maybe that was just me

after I had gynae surgery a few yrs ago unable to drive for 6 wks, these were the days before supermarkets did deliveries, i only had one friend pop round for 6 mins during the whole of the 6 wks and ask me if i needed anything, i lived out in the sticks so too far to walk anywhere, made me realise, that when in my hour of need nobody gave a toss, thank goodness i had milkandmore deliveries, so lived on what the milkman could deliver, so mainly toast and biscuits.

My late husband wished only immediate family at his funeral. One couple with whom we had been friendly for over 50 years dropped me like a lead balloon because of his wishes. Others said "Well that was just like him, very self effacing as he was" I invited his close friends(apart from the aforementioned) to where he wanted his ashes scattered and took them out for lunch together with immediate family. It was a lovely day.