If there’s anything I can do….

Sago

When someone is in crisis I tend to do the following.

The first is to cook, many casseroles, lasagnes, cakes etc have been delivered to friends and neighbours in a crisis.

The second is practical help, child care, dog walking, offering a taxi service.

The third is to listen.

The above is what I would like to receive if I was in need.

You are clearly the kind of friend everyone needs. Those are precisely the kinds of help I valued when my husband died young. I had primary school age children and badly needed practical help and a listening ear.

I have a good friend who lost her husband earlier this year. We text each other everyday discuss our plans for the day and life in general.
I've offered to visit but as yet she hasn't agreed to this. She goes out everyday to a social group and I think she prefers this to having visitors and staying at home. I understand this as when I lost my husband I wanted a reason to go out every day. When she ready I will visit. Till then, thank goodness for WhatsApp.

When my DH died lots of people at the funeral said "if there's anything I can do". I find it difficult to ask for help so was grateful to those who would come round with flowers or cakes and have a chat.
It can be unbearably lonely when you are first bereaved and those friends and family who understand and make sure you aren't alone too much are worth their weight in gold.

GoodAfternoonTea

I think it is people keeping in steady touch. Not just overwhelming you in the few short weeks after your bereavement or difficult point in your life. If someone drops me a message every month or says let's meet for coffee and cake say ever so often, it is steady. It allows me to recover myself, but also shows support which is ongoing.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Casdon

Thinking back to when I was first widowed, what I valued most was people who said ‘I’m doing/going to whatever it was next Tuesday, do you want to come?’ I didn’t enjoy so much the company of the sympathetic people who came to my house and wanted me to sit and talk about my husband, I didn’t want tea and sympathy, I needed to be taken out of myself after the first few weeks. Even if I didn’t enjoy doing things at the time, I think it was helpful to do ‘normal’ activities. We’re all different though, as are our friends and family.

I have two recently bereaved friends and tho we all still work the main thing they want is to be treated as normal and not as if they’re made of delicate glass.After initial tea and sympathy they want to go out and about.They say the worst time is the evenings for them.So your comment struck a chord with me.

I think it is people keeping in steady touch. Not just overwhelming you in the few short weeks after your bereavement or difficult point in your life. If someone drops me a message every month or says let's meet for coffee and cake say ever so often, it is steady. It allows me to recover myself, but also shows support which is ongoing.

I have a friend (who I’ve known since we were 12) and several years ago her husband had a heart attack and had a heart bypass op. She was a workaholic then and when he came home she went back to work almost straight away.

I offered to help if she needed me and she asked if I would pop in now and then as he was by himself all day. I did that for several weeks and if I was going anywhere always asked if he needed anything from the shops. I took him new magazines and a few treats.

A few years later they moved to Spain and her very elderly Mum who I knew really well was left behind. Again she asked me to pop in and see her which I did gladly and used to message her telling her how she was etc.

I am so disappointed in her because I emailed her a few weeks after my husband’s stroke 10 months ago. She replied saying they were very sorry to hear that and that’s it! I have never heard from her since even though she is always on FB.
I know she’s in Spain but she could at least check how he is now.

When my husband was taken to hospital with a heart attack, I stayed with him for the first 48 hours until he was out of immediate danger. A friend rang and asked if there was anything they could do. I hesitated only a few seconds then asked him to fetch me home. Bless him, he found a female friend to join him and show him the way, and came and picked me up. I don’t think I have ever been more grateful for any other-act of kindness, as I was exhausted, mentally and physically.

So many people said “if there’s anything we can do” after my husband’s major stroke.

I said to at least 6 men in the village “I’m sure he would love you to pop in for a coffee and chat” and they all said they would but not one has shown up in 10 months.

Another younger man was in an accident and wears a sling as one arm is useless, like my husband’s. Twice I’ve bumped into him and he has offered to come round and see him but he hasn’t come either.

Most of my female friends text to enquire how he is or those nearby pop in.

Maybe women are better at doing what they promise.

I try to offer suggestions of what I could do....' I am free all day weds and friday and can drive you anywhere or do any shopping or chores' or 'I would love to take you for lunch at the weekend or any weekend'.
I found it super helpful when an accountant friend helped me deal with messy money matters.

Sometimes it can be something seemingly trivial that makes such a difference to someone. I had a friend who often had extended mini-breaks in hospital. I couldn’t visit, so I made sure that I texted every day and sent her silly jokes/cartoons.

This served two purposes - the first being to let her know that she hadn’t been forgotten and to make her laugh; the second reason was so that the nursing staff knew that someone was looking out for her and keeping an eye on things. Sadly, the latter was very necessary; the lack of care and errors were truly frightening.

I’ve been very surprised at how much texts and jokes etc have been appreciated by friends. It seems such a small thing to do!

I had BC a few years ago and I would have loved someone to bring me a casserole , lasagna etc. I simply didn’t have the energy or inclination to think about food.
I also loved the people who simply turned up and took me out…I so appreciated it. I realised the friends I expected to support me were no where to be seen and others were simply amazing.

Well, you’ve prompted me to send a message to my brother’s widow, Maw so thank you for the kick up the b*m to do that. She’s been on my mind but turning thoughts into action sometimes goes by the wayside. I’m not in a position to do anything practical, being 500+ miles away, and she has a loving family around her anyway thankfully.

Things like shopping or the garden or help with practical admin matters might be ways in which we can help someone who is struggling, though obviously that depends on how able we ourselves are. Also how close our relationship has been with the bereaved person influences what one can do. Offering to be a listening ear can also help. Sometimes it’s easier for the bereaved to offload to someone who isn’t as close as family and dear friends are.

It’s not an easy path to walk.

Lathyrus3

One time when my husband was in hospital the neighbour said Is there anything I can do and I said Oh yes, the ironing!

Which she did and was happy to do and took a weight off me.

That’s a real friend! 💝

Thinking back to when I was first widowed, what I valued most was people who said ‘I’m doing/going to whatever it was next Tuesday, do you want to come?’ I didn’t enjoy so much the company of the sympathetic people who came to my house and wanted me to sit and talk about my husband, I didn’t want tea and sympathy, I needed to be taken out of myself after the first few weeks. Even if I didn’t enjoy doing things at the time, I think it was helpful to do ‘normal’ activities. We’re all different though, as are our friends and family.

One time when my husband was in hospital the neighbour said Is there anything I can do and I said Oh yes, the ironing!

Which she did and was happy to do and took a weight off me.

I totally agree offer help and be specific. Can I get some food shopping for you, give you a lift to an appointment, mow your lawn etc. Yes it is always lovely to cook and deliver a meal to a friend/neighbour in crisis. Don't ever say if there is anything I can do it is not at all helpful.

Its even more difficult to know what to do when someone in a workplace is bereaved. I once discussed this with a more experienced manager and she said "well I express sympathy and then just get on with the practicalities like getting the compassionate leave filled out and telling them what they are entitled to." This seemed like a sensible approach since a manager had a primary duty to the organization to run a public service and not a counselling session.

I had several staff members over the years who got bad news while on duty. I always asked them if they felt able to finish the shift, allowed them to go early and made sure there was someone to come and collect them if necessary. In one case I put a distraut staff member into a taxi (paid for with petty cash) and managed myself for the last hour with only an attendant.

I could never forget the occasion when I myself had a bereavement and my boss made a snitty remark about it. Its fair to say that I never forgave him or spoke a word to him again that was not strictly required by the job. He was given a right bollocking by the bigger boss yet he never apologised.

Greenfinch
When offering there is a need to be specific.
I fully agree. Most people feel uncomfortable asking for help so ‘let me know if there is anything I can do’ never works.
I had a heart attack a few years back and all my neighbours said that but not one offered anything specific such as getting shopping. My DH was worried about leaving me at home alone so eventually had to ask a neighbour to come and sit with me so he could go out. It would have been nicer if one had offered rather than have to be asked.

We always encourage the carers on our courses to say yes to any offers they get

There was a thread a couple of weeks ago when somebody asked what she could do to support her newly widowed friend.

Most people agreed it was best to leave her alone for a while to deal with her grief. I’d waded in with coffee, evening meal, watch tv with them etc.

It did stop me in my tracks that others didn’t think it was a good idea😳

I was very grateful, after my husband died, for my bossy friends who swooped and took me to the cinema, shopping, on holiday and even gatecrashed me an extra invitation to a dinner party.
It made me feel there was still a life for me alone.

I’m afraid I dropped the friends who said “We’ll be in touch” - weeks/months later🙄. But perhaps I misjudged them?

Greenfinch perhaps you are right. There are three couples in our village who are having health/old age problems at the moment. I visit one couple regularly but they never ask me to ‘do’ anything for them although I’ve made the general offer to run errands for them.
The other 2 I have given lifts to in the past and let it be known that I’m there if needed but they have not contacted me.
I’ve made the offers in good faith but perhaps they are saving me for a real emergency? Not wanting to overuse me?
It is up to them though isn’t it?

The title of this thread struck a chord with me as yesterday I phoned a long distance friend who was recently widowed. Her neighbour said those words to her but she can’t bring herself to ask . She is a keen gardener and said if only they would offer to get me something from the garden centre or ask me to go with them when they visit,I would leap at the chance. When offering there is a need to be specific.

If I see anyone who looks like they need help I help if I can. I talk to people all the time as you never know what they are going through or if you are the only person they speak to all day ..
Thursday a lady in a motor scooter stopped and got off so asked if she needed help she thanked me but said she was just going to rearrange her bags .

When I offer help I mean it and if I need help I ask. I am not good at crossing busy roads as I can't judge the speed of traffic . I was trying to decide when it was safe and a young man was going to cross and took my arm and got me over safely. Of course I thank him . Last winter I went to a near by town and there was a giant puddle I was trying to decide which was the shallowest bit. When suddenly I was air bound and these 2 men had taken an arm each and lifted me across the road. I thanked them as they meet up with their wives.
I live in the north west not far from the sea. Am disabled and walk with a stick. I appreciate help I am given and was brought up to offer help .
It's only good manners and if I give my condolences or sympathy I mean what I say.

Thursday I was getting my bin in and a 5 year old boy who I have seen grow up asked me if I needed help thank him but said I was ok . He has just started school.

When someone is in crisis I tend to do the following.

The first is to cook, many casseroles, lasagnes, cakes etc have been delivered to friends and neighbours in a crisis.

The second is practical help, child care, dog walking, offering a taxi service.

The third is to listen.

The above is what I would like to receive if I was in need.