Interesting article on old age and children.

Some parents did nothing to win their children's love and affection when they were small, so can hardly be surprised if they do not visit when they are old and ill.

When I worked for a charity for the elderly I had a client who presented as a dear old man devastated by the loss of his wife, to whom he was devoted, however none of his six children visited him. I found this slightly puzzling

Or at least I found it puzzling until when visiting another client on the same estate, this gentleman walked down the road. The client I was visiting, who did not know he was also one of my clients (and I wasn't saying), looked at him and said, 'thats that horrible Mr Smith,nasty man, used to beat up his wife and children, got thrown out of the workingman's club for threatening someone with his stick.

No wonder his children didn't visit, and I had been competely taken in by his crocodile tears and (supposed) devotion to his wife.

Tenko

Update on my brother and my mother’s 90th . He’s changed his flights and will be there for her birthday lunch which is a few days after her birthday. The siblings, partners and GC will be there. When I told my mother we’d all be there , her face just lit up . It was so lovely to see.

My mother adored her son who sadly only showed up for the money.

Great news Tenko

Update on my brother and my mother’s 90th . He’s changed his flights and will be there for her birthday lunch which is a few days after her birthday. The siblings, partners and GC will be there. When I told my mother we’d all be there , her face just lit up . It was so lovely to see.

I was cared for a man who was in a coma and never regained consciousness.

Following his death we laid him out as usual and emptied his locker for his relatives to collect.

We found lots of photographs of him as a healthy vigorous man doing normal everyday things with his family.

I thought it was a shame we didn't see those photos earlier, not that it would have changed the excellent care he had, but that it would have put the care in some kind of wider context.

It does seem natural for families to take care of their elderly relatives, and in most cultures, this is the case. However, so many women work these days that it is unreasonable to expect them to care for anyone outside their immediate household.

Absolutely! Too many parents take it for granted that their children will care for them in old age. I told my own children long ago, that they owed me nothing.

A specialist Alzheimer’s Care Home I got to know well encouraged photo’s on a board in the bedrooms of the residents when they were younger.
I asked the importance of it and it was an insight to the staff of Carers and Visitors that the person they see in a twilight world of Dementia once had vital lives with sometimes great achievements which may not be evident now. I found that poignant.

My daughter and son are under a lot of pressure with their own lives. I would not want to add more to their situations by expecting them to care for me. We all live many miles apart and without living with one of them caring would be impossible. I cared for my dad and it was relentless. I was trying to work, bring up two children and care for him. I was deprived of sleep, time with my children and really struggled. I hate the thought of a carer or care home, but would rather this than making my AC feel obligated to care for me.

It's ok, Nanny27.

I looked after my DM, as did other members of the family too, worried about MIL who was independent but couldn't really cope well, and, as we get older, I see our children wanting to do the same but I don't want that for them.

I didn't mean to sound bolshy Allira. My point was that I believe that families have a responsibility of care to each other. When I was very young my parents sacrificed a lot to care for me (as most parents do). When they became old and dependent I returned that level of love and care as best I could. Of course we can't expect but I can certainly hope.

TillyTrotter

This is evolving into a sort of competition of whose children know their duties towards their parents,
and whose families are allowed to choose to spend endless time with relatives at ‘end-of-life’
and some (adult) children choose not to. It is very upsetting to see a close relative such as a parent fade away. Not for the faint-hearted.

Interesting observation Tilly, the competative families. Like competative Grandmas.

Families are very complex and sometimes the back story isn't always pretty.I found it hard to see my once vital parents reduced in stature and ability ( and desperately pretending they weren't). How to cope with this decline I wonder?

We have no expectations either cornergran.

This is evolving into a sort of competition of whose children know their duties towards their parents,
and whose families are allowed to choose to spend endless time with relatives at ‘end-of-life’
and some (adult) children choose not to. It is very upsetting to see a close relative such as a parent fade away. Not for the faint-hearted.

Our family, sons, don’t live close by and have their own family responsibilities and challenging job roles. My parents gave us a strong message that they did not expect us to put our lives on hold for them, we’ve passed that message on. They are superb when needed, hospital visits, lifts to difficult to get to appointments. One will drive us to a close friends funeral next month, it’s a three hour trip each way from his home, two from here. A distant eye is kept. On the very rare occasions we ask for practical help it’s available - unless an emergency we wait until they have space.

Both my parents died in the few minutes I was not in their room. I strongly believe it was their choice, they were protecting me. I heard similar reports in my professional life, Hospice staff also talk about it. Mr C and I would both like to be there for the other. As far as our adult family go when it’s our time we’ve no strong views or expectations either way. Families will differ in their traditions and expectations. On the whole we’re a reserved family, other families are not.

Why are some adult offspring, especially sons it would seem, so selfish?
Ours isn't, thankfully.

My mum was the one left at home to look after her mother. When it dad came along and they got married my grandmother wanted very little to do with either of them, or me. When we did visit, which wasn't often, I was expected to sit quietly in a corner with a book and speak when I was spoken to.

Couldn't agree more. When my aunt was eighty, she had a do to which DH and I took my mother, who was her only sister and inseparable from each other. My female cousin, nine months younger than me and more like a sister than cousin, organised everything and, of course, her husband and two children were there. Her brother decided that his holiday was more important than his mother's special birthday so he, his wife and two children were not there. My aunt was very frail by this point and it was to be her last "big" birthday. Why are some adult offspring, especially sons it would seem, so selfish?

Nanny27

Allira

I don't want my children to look after me.

That's not why I had them.

I absolutely want my children to look after me at the end of my life. Not because I'm selfish but because it's what we do as a family. I had the privilege of looking after both my parents as they died and I wouldn't deny my children the same.

That is not why I had them Nanny27 and I would prefer them not to have to sacrifice their lives for years of looking after my needs.

They may have other ideas, of course, because that is what our family does too.

However, I do not expect it of them.

Lathyrus3

Well, if you’re on a ward, patient or visitor, there are other people to take into consideration as well.

Families around the bed tend to create quite a bit of noise and bustle, particularly if you’re in the bed next door. They talk loudly because they’re talking to each other over the relatives bed and tend to spill over into your space and bump your bed, pushing their chairs back to get comfortable and getting up and down 😱

I think two visitors are an ideal number. They don’t have to raise their voices to hear each other and they can talk to each other if you just want to shut your eyes🙂

Am totally with you on this.

I'm just thinking how lucky I was when I was really ill last year. DS has a huge job (don't boast Granny) in London, 70 miles away and DD is in Scotland with two teenage DGSs and a serious job herself.
But they both spent about three weeks living in my house visiting me in hospital and later being there working from "home" although DS did go to London too. I had a paid carer but it was so good to have them there. I'm also grateful to DiL and SiL for sparing them.
The sister on the ward did say what good children I had.

Very interesting article, thank you.

I do visit my mum regularly and stay overnight as it’s a long journey. I do, however, regard it as a duty just as she viewed visiting her MiL. I also provided personal care to my MiL when she stayed with us.
Part of this care is arranging for various people to be visiting, so someone calls in almost every day, even if it is a quick visit from Sainsburys to deliver groceries.

I absolutely do not want or expect my children to look after me. We would all find it far too personal.

Allira

I don't want my children to look after me.

That's not why I had them.

I absolutely want my children to look after me at the end of my life. Not because I'm selfish but because it's what we do as a family. I had the privilege of looking after both my parents as they died and I wouldn't deny my children the same.

My family considered visiting relatives in hospital or a care home to be a duty and obligation. Relatives were visited, whether they liked it or not, by female members of the family. In the school holidays we children went as well. I cant say I have any happy memories. Frequently there was a lot of moaning both from visited and visitors. Sometimes arguments. My grandmother (who had dementia) used to scream at us to go away as soon as we arrived, and the care home said it took the whole of the rest of the day to calm her down. I was baffled as a child as to why we went. Its not always straightforward.

Maybe her mum only wants short visits.
Do you know she wants someone there all the time - or is that what you think you would like?