I wonder what you would do .......

Great news!

Luckygirl3 the new choir sounds like a breath of fresh air!
And how wonderful to be in the company of the cathedral choristers, as well as your daughter.
So uplifting 🥰

Good saying, I'll try to remember that one too!

So glad you enjoyed tonight lucky girl. As the saying goes what seems like a blow of fate is often a spur to better things.

That is what music and singing should be about - joy!

I do wish I could sing.

The choir tonight was brilliant - and made very special by the fact that my DD came and joined in. She is a wonderful musician (was in BBC Young Musician many moons ago) but has not engaged in music herself for a long time - she is busy arranging musical opportunities for others! But tonight she reconnected with her inner musician and it was lovely to be by her side.

I managed the stairs - VERY slowly. It all made me realise how this blessed buuly had been suckiung the joy out of my musical life.

This choir is associated with the cathedral school and I will be singing alongside young voices - what a joy!

Having been a member of musical/operatic groups since my teens, you have my sympathy as over the years I’ve had so many situations when I feel my good nature was tested. An incompetent bully took over a group I loved and cutting the story short, I left, leaving behind good friends I had known for many years. I ruminated and mourned it like a bereavement.

I also asked myself why no one had taken my side, but the truth is people want to hang on naturally to what they have and not side with a rebel, even if they see injustice. Self preservation and I understand that now.

I too joined another group but was amazed to hear recently that “Miss Mountshaft” and her cohort had gone! I’ve returned to the sadly depleted company and am so pleased to see my friends again as it was the social side too I enjoyed.

So you never know, things change. Chin up and as Noel Coward said “Rise above it darling” or something to that effect.

I have 3 possible choir options in front of me and am trying one out tonight with my DD. The only problem is the stairs up to the hall - watch this space!

Luckygirl -
In my case it's only two years of putting my all into volunteering .
I was told that I was taking over from the lady who had suddenly died .
I'm sorry that this lady has passed ,but I'd tolerated her appalling attitude towards me and constantly cleared up her mistakes .
Suddenly our own Miss Mountshaft ,who already has a time consuming position is now in charge .
I have far more experience than she does and she's constantly asking my advice.
After I did about six hours I was told to go home.
In fact she couldn't wait to get rid of me .
I'm still reeling from the shock of last weekend .
It's left a bitter taste in my mouth .
I might just unsticks and go elsewhere.
I wish you every good luck in finding some volunteering which is worthy of you .

Red flags indeed!
She wanted this person to be paid for putting stuff on social media, which I had always done but she wanted to take it over.

It's all horrid stuff when we just want to enjoy singing ......... I can't deal with all this and wish I had never volunteered really. I try to tell myself that all the publicity I have done over the last 7 years was productive; oh - and the programme booklets which each took a massive amount of work.

In September when a new chair was needed she put herself forward in conjunction with the existing treasurer (her friend), who has now taken up a joint post with her whilst retaining her treasurer hat. When someone on the committee quite reasonably asked that we look into how this might sit with the Charity Commission she was bullied dreadfully. It was disgraceful. It all went through in the absence of any other candidates. It is worrying as the Treasurer wants the chair to be paid - this has never been a part of the deal - we have all always taken things on voluntarily.

Red flags here!
As joint chairs are they both planning to be paid??

I meant to add - that no wonder you’re upset, I’m pleased my comment helped with the letter. Always good I think to have someone else read a letter written when we’re upset, or re-reading it oneself having slept on it.

Also, of course, it should be “AF vs not letting it get to me” 😊

Good luck with your new choir.

I wondered that too!!
I had not intended any sarcasm so I will redraft that bit. Thank you for that insight.

You asked in the OP “What would you do…”

Firstly, I’d walk away from the situation without a backward glance! (AF vs carrying on letting this upset me? No contest).

Secondly, the “You will be pleased to know…” in the letter sounds rather sarcastic, I’d just say “Naturally, I’ll be moving on to new choral projects” and ask for a refund.

I did wonder too whether any of your co-choristers are on Gransnet…hopefully not!

Maybe let others know where you will be singing in future?
Perhaps they will join you...

I have been quietly bullied by this person via email behind the scenes ever since she joined a couple of years ago.

In September when a new chair was needed she put herself forward in conjunction with the existing treasurer (her friend), who has now taken up a joint post with her whilst retaining her treasurer hat. When someone on the committee quite reasonably asked that we look into how this might sit with the Charity Commission she was bullied dreadfully. It was disgraceful. It all went through in the absence of any other candidates. It is worrying as the Treasurer wants the chair to be paid - this has never been a part of the deal - we have all always taken things on voluntarily.

The committee is now very new and a couple of people are new members of the choir who are all being manipulated by the dreadful duo. When the dual role was questioned they threatened not to stand, knowing full well that under the rules legally we have to have a chair and that the committee would have to back down. I suspect that they will continue to use this tactic if anything is ever questioned.

This all sounds very Vicar of Dibley and the PCC! - just less amusing.

There are members who know what I have been subjected to and they are furious. But the main body of the choir have no idea and I will not tell any of them as I want them to enjoy their singing untainted by this unpleasantness.

Over the years I have simply got on with my job quietly behind the scenes and never thought that it would result in all this. I thought I was doing people a favour!

I know that I will find it very hard to see this duo strutting around manipulating others and this will make enjoying the singing very hard.

This is the letter that I plan to send .....
Dear Committee,
After a great deal of thought, I have decided to leave XXXX Choral Society. Recent events surrounding the publicity role, and the way in which they were handled, have sadly made it impossible for me to continue to enjoy my involvement as I once did. This has been a very difficult decision: the choir has been an important part of my musical and personal life for many years, and I have greatly valued the friendships and shared music-making along the way.
I want to be clear that this decision is not related to my health, but to changes within the organisation itself.
You will be pleased to know that I am moving on to new choral projects, both for myself to sing, and also organising choral opportunities for the benefit of others.
As I paid my £xxx subscription only two weeks ago, I am sure that a refund, either full or partial, would be appropriate in these circumstances.
I hope that the concert goes well.

You have been taken for granted in the past, you never mad a big thing about the work it took, so you have been unappreciated.
Nobody cared to do what you did, and along she comes and tells them all that she can do it too, and when you stood down from committee, she made it seem as if you were standing down from it all.
What will happen now is two things, she will be bad/slow to do it all, or she will change the culture and many of the choir will drift away if it does not suit them either.
Do tell any you are still in touch with that their lack of support hurt you, and then tell them how well you are doing in your new choir. Then enjoy your time there and do not look back, you are worth it.

There are other members who have been on the receiving end of this woman's bulldozer approach and sadly they too are unhappy.

I was wondering if - and if not why not - the rest of the choir weren't backing you up.

At one time, I offered our conductor to take over secretarial work such as minute-keeping, press work, orders of service, contact lists etc, but she l referred to keep doing it all herself and I never did any of that. A new girl somehow managed to start relieving her of these jobs and she did a better job than I would have done, so I didn't feel usurped at all. Our next conductor was useless at anything administrative so it was good that she was doing the work. That conductor didn't last long and now we have a young girl who knows us all by name and knows what we each are capable of.

For example I was asked to arrange a song for a wedding we recently celebrated.(I am the only one who knows how to do this) The bride was one of our sopranos and both parents are in the choir, both very strong in their respective bass and alto sections. So I had to take into consideration that the men would be seriously depleted and make their part(s) correspondingly simple. In fact, I did the whole song twice as the first version was still too hard for them. This was appreciated and I was profusely thanked. They realised how much time and effort goes into something like that.

The point I am trying to make is that you could use your creativity in another direction if your new choir requires it, once they have accepted you and have learned about your experience and abilities in music.

You are lucky to have a choice of choirs to move to - there isn't much available round my way!

It seems a shame that you feel you should leave the choir and the friendships you’ve made over the years. Be sure you’re not cutting your nose to spite your face and have huge regrets later.
Could you stay and sing with the choir but tell this woman you are no longer able to continue with the publicity as you’re finding it too time consuming and too much now?

It seems to me that this woman is a spiteful bully who has manipulated the committee (who should have supported you instead of behaving like a bunch of sheep).
"What would you do?" you ask.
I would try not to dwell on it, walk away , start over with a new choir without accepting any added responsibilities and look after my health. Good luck and please let us know how things go .

I think the time will come when this “lady” will be seen in her true colours. Too late for you Lucky so try to put it behind you and enjoy your new choir without any of the hassle - you deserve it.

Lucky girl, this sort of person is horrid…as my mother would say’they put on good nature , bad won’t stand it!’

I'd have handed the job over to the Expert Designer and left her to get on with making a terrible hash of it. Let The Committee learn what she's like , the hard way.

NO WAY would I have left the choir though. It's YOUR choir. Just enjoy it for the company, the music and singing, no responsibility, free as a bird.

And if eventually, people remark on tacky logo, or errors on the publicity, you just shrug and say

" Oh, frankly it's rather a relief not to be involved any more. It takes far more time and effort than people realise."

Oh Luckygirl you have been treated so shabbily and my heart goes out to you. There are no healing words I can offer but time and space will ease your hurt. All the very best from me going forward. x

Time to move on me thinks. I had an experience vaguely similar to yours only last week. I was going to a group and had been for a few years when a couple of new people joined. Great! The more the merrier is my point of view. I'd helped the group organiser set up a what's app group and organised several theatre trips and had the idea to meet for lunch in the 5th weekday of the month. These are all continuing to go strong. Last year,, just after the government took the decision to remove winter fuel payments from most people of state pension age, I posted a petition on the what's app group if anyone wanted to sign. There were a handful of people who said they didn't need the payment anyway so it should stop. Then one of the newcomers said she thought I should not post anything political on the group and a few others joined her sentiments. I replied saying I know there are people who say they do not need this money, but many do and not having it increases their vulnerability, but I am sorry if I've offended anyone but I do think we shouldn't just be thinking if I'm okay, everyone else is too. Then, a week ago or so, the group organiser posted a petition on the what's app group page about the tax threshold freeze bringing people into a tax bracket even if they are on just a basic pension. I could not resist and I said this appears to be double standards as no has complained of the organiser posting a political post and what you all wanted to be a political free zone. Then, I was cancelled! By the organiser ! She said she'd done it to stop it escalating! I was gobsmacked! Talk about one rule for you and a different one for me. I had to laugh. People are strange sometimes 🤔