Anybody know any rude songs? Warning crude humour

Magenta8 love your version it's the whole gay, debonair swagger and silliness of the ditty that makes me chuckle

Schoolgirl humour:

The Jimmy Ruffin song goes,

What becomes of the broken hearted,
Who had love that’s now departed?

We used to sing,
‘What becomes of the broken hearted,
Paid a penny and only farted!’

Love you lot. 😂😂

friendlygingercat

'Twas on the good ship Venus,
By Christ you should have seen us,
The figurehead
Was a whore in bed,
And the mast a rampant penis.

The Captain's wife was Mabel
She was ready, willing and able
To give the crew their daily screw
Across the the kitchen table.

The first mate's name was Carter
By gad he was a farter!
When the wind wouldn't blow
And the ship wouldn't go
They'd get Carter the farter to start her.

The second mate's name was Topper
By Christ he had a whopper!
Once around the deck
Twice around his neck
And up his arse for a stopper.

And so on.

😂 I remember that one!

I also remember being involved with RSNO Junior Chorus’s show ‘Streets Ahead’ where the children sang ,
‘ Mrs Maguire peed in the fire
The fire was too hot, she peed in the pot
The pot was too wide, she peed in the Clyde
And aw the wee fishes ran up her backside’
I was shocked!

I do also remember songs about Dinah, beginning
‘ Dinah, Dinah, show us a leg’

Flippinheck

I got into terrible trouble for repeating this to a neighbour’s child when I was 5 or 6. I can’t recall who told it to me:

Cowboy Jimmy had a five foot willy
He showed it to the lady next door
She thought it was a snake
So she hit it with a rake
And now it’s only 2 foot 4.

Flippingheck! 😂

I’m truly shocked that so many grans have repeated the Rugby songs of my youth, I would never do that in polite company.

Here is a tame one with the Women’s Rugby in mind

If I were the marrying kind
Which thank the lord I’m not sir
The kind of girl that I would wed would be a big prop forward
She’d bind tight
I’d bind tight
We’ed both bind tight together
We’ed be alright in the middle of the night
Binding tight together

Other verses vulgar

RosieandherMaw

Round the Horne was so funny, even though I wasn’t old enough to get some of the double-entendres.

There was a 60th Anniversary UK Tour in September.
Sunday lunchtimes were always entertaining with the shows like that or The Navy Lark, Life with the Lyons, the Clitheroe Kid and others I can’t remember.

No^Anglo Saxon four letter words for body parts, sex, and excretion are inherently funny because they are irreverently lower class and rural^

I don’t think that’s necessarily true.
The “upper classes” have long been renowned for not mincing their words but “funny”? I don’t think so. The euphemisms and doubles entendre on eg “Round The Horne” were always much funnier than anything directly crude.

Kate1949
I think not liking it is up to the individual.
Though she was never on GN, my Mum didn’t like it either. She avoided or scrolled past anything like that when she was on FB.

'Inherently funny' to some people. Not to me. And no I'm not a prude. I just don't like it.

Kate1949

We'll have to agree to disagree Caleo. I'm not sure that children using strong language would be 'having fun'.

Anglo Saxon four letter words for body parts, sex, and excretion are inherently funny because they are irreverently lower class and rural. Ever since the Norman Conquest, continuing through Chaucer and Shakespeare to the present day it's creative to refuse to defer to one's social superiors.

When strong language is used because the speaker has a poor vocabulary then the use of strong language is not creative but repetitive.

Nannee49

This one is utterly pointless but at the same time strangely amusing in it's pointlessness -

Do your balls hang low?
Can you swing them to & from?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you swing 'em over your shoulder like a continental soldier?
Do your balls hang low?

God knows what continental soldiers have to do with anything at all!

In the version I heard it was sung to the tune of the Sailors' Hornpipe. The first four lines were the same but the last two were:-

Do you get a funny feeling when you whack 'em on the ceiling?
Oh you'll never be a sailor if your balls hang low.

A regional variation I expect.

I need a G&T to get over the shock! 😂

Oh Lord. I’ve just posted this on the Christmas card thread by mistake. 😮😮😮

It’s from the episode in The Crown where Princess Margaret makes up a limerick to entertain her American hosts.

There was a young lady from Dallas,
Used a dynamite stick as a phallus,
They found her vagina in North Carolina,
And her arsehole in Buckingham Palace.

It was a drinking contest so she was bound to win! 😂

Dinah Dinah show us a leg a yard above your knee! etc etc

This one isn't rude as such just a bit "off":

Dolly died of measles
She came out all in a rash
I made her a shroud made of tissues
Tied up with a tartan sash

I made her a wreath for her tombstone
Out of mothballs and fairy clocks
Then I buried her down in the garden
In a beautiful chocolate box

It was lovely being chief mourner
But then if began to rain
And I'd nothing else to play with
So I dug up dolly again.

Caleo

One that was popular during the Nazi era.

Hitler has only got one ball

Goering has balls but they're too small

Himmler has something simlar

But poor old Goebbels has no balls at all

Slightly aside from this post, I recall hearing that song as a child and although I was well aware that Hitler was an evil person, I wondered why adults would make up such a thing about him.
Only a few years ago, I watched a documentary about Hitler and, long story short, a researcher found his medical assessment from when he was sent to prison for his part in the Beer Hall Putsch. Lo and behold…..Hitler DID have only one, the other was undescended, so not made up but true!

I know some of them and my OH knows them all! 😂 Ex rugby player. Lighthearted and it’s given us a chuckle.

To & fro! Bloomin predictive text

This one is utterly pointless but at the same time strangely amusing in it's pointlessness -

Do your balls hang low?
Can you swing them to & from?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you swing 'em over your shoulder like a continental soldier?
Do your balls hang low?

God knows what continental soldiers have to do with anything at all!

friendlygingercat
I remember my older brother sharing a slightly politer variation of the first verse and this for the second verse.
Verse 2 went:
The first mate's name was Carter
And he was a musical farter!
He could fart anything,
from God Save the King
To Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata.

I do remember
Hi ho, hi ho
Sabrina’s on the po
She’s singing songs
and dropping bombs,
Hi ho, hi ho.

The boys at my junior school, in the early50s sang this in the playground

On top of Old Smokey
All covered in smoke,
There stands Betty Grable
Without any clothes.
Up comes Roy Rogers
Clippety clop
Down comes his trousers
And out comes his c**k

I had no idea what the last line meant….then

'Twas on the good ship Venus,
By Christ you should have seen us,
The figurehead
Was a whore in bed,
And the mast a rampant penis.

The Captain's wife was Mabel
She was ready, willing and able
To give the crew their daily screw
Across the the kitchen table.

The first mate's name was Carter
By gad he was a farter!
When the wind wouldn't blow
And the ship wouldn't go
They'd get Carter the farter to start her.

The second mate's name was Topper
By Christ he had a whopper!
Once around the deck
Twice around his neck
And up his arse for a stopper.

And so on.

Totally understandable Kate49.

ayse Your post was known to the engineering students in my student days as "The engineers's poem". I always thought it started OK but ended in misogyny.

On GN years ago, a line of it "and now we come to the bitter bit" was quoted in a different context by one of our most senior and respectable members, a retired female GP. She was delighted when I replied with the next line.