Badly behaved grandchildren - what to do!

...and more of their oen "stuff"?

Could you look after them at their house where they probably could have friends to visit and bring home to play?

For the future, could the parents arrange play dates for the boys with their friends. With you still responsible for holiday childcare, but the ferrying the boys to their mates for at least some of the time.

If one of them was out with a friend you could reciprocate by having a friend for the other one. It sounds like extra responsibility but you probably wouldn’t see either the grandson or the friend at all, ex rot when they wanted food!

I really think it would solve a lot of the problems and you would all be happier - especially the boys!

BTW, these terrible three of ours were two girls, one boy. Girls can be just as bad!

I’m an only child, as such I was utterly horrified to see my friends children “bashing each other up” until we had our last three children, all born within 5 years.

They are now 28, 25 and 23, and all still alive and I’ve accepted sibling relationships are mysterious and in-fighting, whether physical or not, is actually quite normal.

I didn’t allow stones and other hard objects to be thrown around, but it happened!

Thanks to all for your contributions. It's a sticky situation as I don't want to upset anybody but have to admit it is really getting me down. Boys are completely opposite to DD when she was a child and I think that's what I struggle with trying to understand why and what prompts all this bad feeling. Holidays just about done so hopefully I'll start to feel better.

The boys want to be playing with their mates.

Instead they are compelled to be playing with each other to fit in with child care.

No wonder there are fireworks.

There is nearly always sibling rivalry, a had a brother and sister we used to squabble most of the time, but we didn’t dislike each other.
The best of luck if you do try to separate them for the holidays, I don’t think that will be a popular with anyone.

Ours have been much better since getting involved in team sports and boxing. They seem full of testosterone which needs worked off.

Two boys who don’t like each other and who are forced to spend time together.

Sibling liking isn’t a given. Sometimes they are chalk and cheese.

School holidays need to be arranged so that you don’t have both of them. Parents have to manage their mutual dislike at home. You don’t, You should be able to enjoy your grandsons individually, not always act as peacekeeper and referee.

It’s taking all the pleasure out of having grandchildren.

As like others, I do "my house my rules".

I did many years of childcare for my grandchildren but was helpless with the youngest’s relentless bullying of her brother. He adored her and would never retaliate. She was 2 years younger but bigger than him.
They ended up hating each and she was diagnosed with autism. There are some behaviours we cannot change.

I remember it well!.

Boys need to be kept busy or they will fight or get into serious mischief, organize activities at home cooking, painting or gardening or days out and outings for them. They take a lot of effort to entertain them

Well said Lucky girl. My thoughts exactly, too many adult children expect too much from grandparents. Getting free childcare so they can work ( ok I get that ) however they must allow the GP to set boundaries with GC . If their children are persistently badly behaved
It is a huge strain on GPs. and spoils what should be a warm and bonding experience for children and their GPs. Why are adults so afraid to discipline children? Are they of the opinion it will damage them for life?

Your DD needs to be on board with the fact that you will need to discipline them sometimes .... if she is not then I do not think you can offer the free care that you are.

I don't think some rough and tumble is a problem- but throwing stones is.

It sounds very unpleasant. If they behave badly in your own home, up with it I would not put! Their behaviour spoils the interaction between you and them. I think you're brave allowing it but it must be uncomfortable. 'Manners maketh Man' as [I think] the saying goes.

All good advice from Grans.

Having looked after 2 boys, my Grandsons from birth .
( just 16 months apart in age) .
My advice like young dogs, boys especially need to be out least twice a day to run off energy .
Suitably dressed for any weather.
Wider the space the better.

We are lucky live near a nature reserve and also a castle ruin with big hill, useful for charging up and down , rolling down in summer and sledging in the snow.
We allowed rough and tumble.
Slipped a bit history in there and they would act out Vikings and Romans etc .
Other children would sometimes join in.

Picnics , drinks , hot chocolate in cold weather.
But can't stress enough they need exercise and fresh air .

You say 'we '
So grandfather as well.
Divide and conquer. You do something with one and grandad with the other.

I agree gran's house, grans rules !

,This is unacceptable!! Do the parents have any idea of how much stress this is causing you? Can you insist on one child at a time?
I have had a similar situation and recently my 10 year old GD was sullen , rude and thoroughly unpleasant! Her Mum ( my DD) was upstairs at the time . I told my GD in no uncertain terms " I don't like your attitude and if you don't behave in a more appropriate manner I will be very angry - and believe me you won't like it"! I was very calm and very stern - it worked. Had no trouble since.
I explained to my DD what had happened, she was fine about it and said I had taken the correct action. I must add we have a great relationship and she trusts my judgment.
GC constantly fighting, pushing and shoving each other , throwing stones is a massive NO NO. Are you in a position where you feel you can pull your GC into line? If that is not acceptable to their parents I suggest you tell them you are unable to cope and they should find alternative childcare- and pay for it. I am also great believer in ' Grandmas house , Grandmas rules' In my house this is necessary to maintain safety and preserve my sanity. My DDs fully accept this, the children understand and on the whole it works. My GC know the score , love their time here- happy GC., happy me!

Personally, I would be telling the AC that they need to make alternative arrangements…….I wouldn’t be prepare to look after children who constantly fight.

NotSpaghetti

I think one-at-a-time is a good idea if you can do it.
Good idea Rosie.

And none at at a time is better still.
Just drop the rope.

As a mother of boys, I considered the endless physicality (wrestling bodies on the floor, pushing and shoving on the sofa, jostling through doorways etc) as just puppy play, no hurt or offence intended.

"Fighting" was different, and actively discouraged (punching with fists, pinching, chinese burns, shin kicking). Hitting with a weapon and necklocks absolutely forbidden.

Obviously we have to look after during school holidays.

Do you? If they misbehave then there is nothing to sotp0 you saying you cannot do this.

I did a lot of looking after to help so my AC could work but always insisted it was one at a time. My DDs were fine with that and made their arrangements accordingly, juggling nursery/childminder/other grandparent to fit in.

As the GC got a bit older and more civilised I did start picking 2 up from school and looking after them till work ended. But it was entirely my choice and I was free to say no.

Throwing stones at each other is totally unacceptable; it would not be tolerated at school, and they would know and accept that; should be the guideline.
Sit down with their parents and discuss their behaviour and be clear about what you are prepared to accept in your home.

You are providing free childcare and they must be made aware of what a strain their behaviour is putting on you.
Rough and tumble is one thing, preferably outdoors so nothing gets broken, but they have to do what you tell them in case of accidents.

Siblings fighting like this isn't easy to witness but is not uncommon. At least they are doing it in front of you and not behind your back, which also happens and then you're faced with who was to blame!

I'm not excusing bad behaviour but neither asked for the company of the other- so they are just fighting for dominance and it isn't always the older who gets it!

Fighting between siblings although not nice, rarely becomes serious, and through it they will establish their own boundaries.

I remember fighting with my older brother until I made him cry- not a pleasant memory. To this day I don't know why I was so angry with him.

As others have said, maybe you are taking on too much, especially as you are becoming anxious and stressed about it.

I would also suggest boredom may be a factor, so diversion tactics work best but it takes some thought and imagination to think of ideas.

I would advise against splitting them up- but give them some space from each other at the same time. However, I would discuss with parents everytime. Maybe they would be better in holiday clubs?

Kids get stressed and anxious too, and also have to find an outlet for that, so maybe trying to talk about it in a calm and accepting way is one option.

Whatever, don't start the blame game- even the best of parents have kids that fight- it's a normal part of growing up.