Badly behaved grandchildren - what to do!

If their parents are aware then all you can/should do is follow their lead.

I wonder if you've ever come across the book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk?
It's by Adele Faber and years ago was extremely useful.

There are probably newer even better books out there but this one was definitely pretty good.

If you can stagger through half term then next time you have them you could start afresh?

You say “obviously “ you have them during school holidays. Do the other grandparents do their share?
Could you separate them so that 1 comes to you and the other to his other GP’s? Alternating of course. I always used to have my oldest 3 GC together when they were little but I have really enjoyed getting to know them better as individuals when they started coming alone. It also made them feel”special”.
The other thing is Granny’s house-granny’s rules and I found it easier to have them here where, despite less space than at theirs I felt comfortable setting out a few basic ground rules in familiar surroundings and they generally behaved much better than at home!
A nearly-only child (big age-gap with my sister) I have always found the fighting hard to take- they could be like puppies in a sack - but rough and tumble is also perfectly normal with children of their age!
Not the stones, obviously, but it occurs to me that it’s just the level of rough and tumble you find hard to take.
Again, in your own home, you can set your own ground rules.
I hope you can find a middle way through this so that time with the boys is a pleasure and not a chore - it will soon fly past.

I think one-at-a-time is a good idea if you can do it.
Good idea Rosie.

RosieandherMaw says it perfectly.

I'd just add that a telling too often might start to have the opposite effect. Accept rough and tumble for what it is, and only intervene if they are a danger to themselves or inappropriately rude.

Siblings fighting like this isn't easy to witness but is not uncommon. At least they are doing it in front of you and not behind your back, which also happens and then you're faced with who was to blame!

I'm not excusing bad behaviour but neither asked for the company of the other- so they are just fighting for dominance and it isn't always the older who gets it!

Fighting between siblings although not nice, rarely becomes serious, and through it they will establish their own boundaries.

I remember fighting with my older brother until I made him cry- not a pleasant memory. To this day I don't know why I was so angry with him.

As others have said, maybe you are taking on too much, especially as you are becoming anxious and stressed about it.

I would also suggest boredom may be a factor, so diversion tactics work best but it takes some thought and imagination to think of ideas.

I would advise against splitting them up- but give them some space from each other at the same time. However, I would discuss with parents everytime. Maybe they would be better in holiday clubs?

Kids get stressed and anxious too, and also have to find an outlet for that, so maybe trying to talk about it in a calm and accepting way is one option.

Whatever, don't start the blame game- even the best of parents have kids that fight- it's a normal part of growing up.

Throwing stones at each other is totally unacceptable; it would not be tolerated at school, and they would know and accept that; should be the guideline.
Sit down with their parents and discuss their behaviour and be clear about what you are prepared to accept in your home.

You are providing free childcare and they must be made aware of what a strain their behaviour is putting on you.
Rough and tumble is one thing, preferably outdoors so nothing gets broken, but they have to do what you tell them in case of accidents.

Obviously we have to look after during school holidays.

Do you? If they misbehave then there is nothing to sotp0 you saying you cannot do this.

I did a lot of looking after to help so my AC could work but always insisted it was one at a time. My DDs were fine with that and made their arrangements accordingly, juggling nursery/childminder/other grandparent to fit in.

As the GC got a bit older and more civilised I did start picking 2 up from school and looking after them till work ended. But it was entirely my choice and I was free to say no.

As a mother of boys, I considered the endless physicality (wrestling bodies on the floor, pushing and shoving on the sofa, jostling through doorways etc) as just puppy play, no hurt or offence intended.

"Fighting" was different, and actively discouraged (punching with fists, pinching, chinese burns, shin kicking). Hitting with a weapon and necklocks absolutely forbidden.

NotSpaghetti

I think one-at-a-time is a good idea if you can do it.
Good idea Rosie.

And none at at a time is better still.
Just drop the rope.

Personally, I would be telling the AC that they need to make alternative arrangements…….I wouldn’t be prepare to look after children who constantly fight.

,This is unacceptable!! Do the parents have any idea of how much stress this is causing you? Can you insist on one child at a time?
I have had a similar situation and recently my 10 year old GD was sullen , rude and thoroughly unpleasant! Her Mum ( my DD) was upstairs at the time . I told my GD in no uncertain terms " I don't like your attitude and if you don't behave in a more appropriate manner I will be very angry - and believe me you won't like it"! I was very calm and very stern - it worked. Had no trouble since.
I explained to my DD what had happened, she was fine about it and said I had taken the correct action. I must add we have a great relationship and she trusts my judgment.
GC constantly fighting, pushing and shoving each other , throwing stones is a massive NO NO. Are you in a position where you feel you can pull your GC into line? If that is not acceptable to their parents I suggest you tell them you are unable to cope and they should find alternative childcare- and pay for it. I am also great believer in ' Grandmas house , Grandmas rules' In my house this is necessary to maintain safety and preserve my sanity. My DDs fully accept this, the children understand and on the whole it works. My GC know the score , love their time here- happy GC., happy me!

All good advice from Grans.

Having looked after 2 boys, my Grandsons from birth .
( just 16 months apart in age) .
My advice like young dogs, boys especially need to be out least twice a day to run off energy .
Suitably dressed for any weather.
Wider the space the better.

We are lucky live near a nature reserve and also a castle ruin with big hill, useful for charging up and down , rolling down in summer and sledging in the snow.
We allowed rough and tumble.
Slipped a bit history in there and they would act out Vikings and Romans etc .
Other children would sometimes join in.

Picnics , drinks , hot chocolate in cold weather.
But can't stress enough they need exercise and fresh air .

You say 'we '
So grandfather as well.
Divide and conquer. You do something with one and grandad with the other.

I agree gran's house, grans rules !

It sounds very unpleasant. If they behave badly in your own home, up with it I would not put! Their behaviour spoils the interaction between you and them. I think you're brave allowing it but it must be uncomfortable. 'Manners maketh Man' as [I think] the saying goes.

I don't think some rough and tumble is a problem- but throwing stones is.

Your DD needs to be on board with the fact that you will need to discipline them sometimes .... if she is not then I do not think you can offer the free care that you are.

Well said Lucky girl. My thoughts exactly, too many adult children expect too much from grandparents. Getting free childcare so they can work ( ok I get that ) however they must allow the GP to set boundaries with GC . If their children are persistently badly behaved
It is a huge strain on GPs. and spoils what should be a warm and bonding experience for children and their GPs. Why are adults so afraid to discipline children? Are they of the opinion it will damage them for life?

I remember it well!.

Boys need to be kept busy or they will fight or get into serious mischief, organize activities at home cooking, painting or gardening or days out and outings for them. They take a lot of effort to entertain them

I did many years of childcare for my grandchildren but was helpless with the youngest’s relentless bullying of her brother. He adored her and would never retaliate. She was 2 years younger but bigger than him.
They ended up hating each and she was diagnosed with autism. There are some behaviours we cannot change.

As like others, I do "my house my rules".

Two boys who don’t like each other and who are forced to spend time together.

Sibling liking isn’t a given. Sometimes they are chalk and cheese.

School holidays need to be arranged so that you don’t have both of them. Parents have to manage their mutual dislike at home. You don’t, You should be able to enjoy your grandsons individually, not always act as peacekeeper and referee.

It’s taking all the pleasure out of having grandchildren.

Ours have been much better since getting involved in team sports and boxing. They seem full of testosterone which needs worked off.

There is nearly always sibling rivalry, a had a brother and sister we used to squabble most of the time, but we didn’t dislike each other.
The best of luck if you do try to separate them for the holidays, I don’t think that will be a popular with anyone.

The boys want to be playing with their mates.

Instead they are compelled to be playing with each other to fit in with child care.

No wonder there are fireworks.