Badly behaved grandchildren - what to do!

Cambsnan

I was having issues with my grandchildren and asked them how I could be a better granny! Eye opener. I acted on what they said and things are better.

This is really good advice.

They are badly brought up by their parents. Nothing you can do. So do not be a doormat. Only one day here and there would be more enjoyable for everyone.

I used to look after 2 of my GC at the same age. I collected them from their house.
I would plan a day ahead with interesting stuff for them to do but occasionally they would start pushing and shoving each other and be very loud about it. I live in an apartment and explained they had to quieten down and consider my neighbours. They understood and agreed but soon they relapsed so I said, "If you don't stop I will take you home and in future you won't be able to come here together". All good until the next time they came! I reminded them of what I'd said previously but they started "fighting" so I said, "OK guys get your shoes on I'm taking you home" and back we went. I had them individually for a while and later together again and they'd got the message and were great.Their parents are on the same page fortunately.

It sounds as if you're doing the looking-after, icandoit, although you say, we look after.
Would Grandpa be available to take one of them out for part of the day?
I was on WhatsApp only today with younger GS, 19 and studying to be an engineer like my late DH. He said that some of the happiest times in his childhood was "working" with his GF.

Give them choices... Ie, if you want to scream around the shop we'll go home so the choice is inside voices or go home....
Choices work with my grandchildren

Just an add on to this. I had children and worked nights as a nurse my husband worked days, parents were a long way away, however another nurse and I shared care of our children, sometimes in the same house, us lying on the settees, and kids playing happily, Obviously this was back in the 70s when we just had to manage, no expectations of anyone stepping in. Both of us were of the mind, we had the children and they were our responsibility. We decided to work as we needed money to pay the mortgage, have a carpet and perhaps a fridge. Our children were our responsibility no one elses. Am I being tough

You and the children's parents certainly need to put a stop to the stone throwing! The boys could hurt each other seriously.

Frankly, I would tell their parents that unless this kind of dangerous behaviour stops they will need to find someone else to look after the boys.

I would not want the responsibilty of being in charge of children who are fighting so dangerously.

Have you told the parents who should be looking after the welfare of their children. Lovely though grandchildren are you are not their parents and should not be stressed by having them both. I have not had to look after any my grandchildren as their parents took other care into account, either amongst themselves or friends. I had the nice role. Yes the boys want to be with their mates.
I do think that grandparents should be saying what they can and cannot do...they have been through one lot of parenting and do not need another time. Just my opinion

Be honest with your daughter, say you cant cope with their behaviour and you will have to stepp back as you are under stress.

I had boys including twins. Yes, there was occasional rough and tumble but never any attempt to use weapons such as stones. With the twins it was at times difficult as being the same age neither had the maturity over the other to reason what could be dangerous but they both definitely understood what was acceptable for a bit of fun. The children's parents need to knuckle down and impress on their children to stop the physical battles. Otherwise you withdraw from childcare.

Cambsnan

I was having issues with my grandchildren and asked them how I could be a better granny! Eye opener. I acted on what they said and things are better.

Please share what they said!

I am the eldest in my family, so have seen how the toing and froing of relations change and alter in some unknown way, often without a specific reason. One day best buddies playing happily together and the following day endless quarrels etc. So I do think there has to be a clear divide, between general argy bargy and on the other hand bullying or certainly throwing stones or anything that could cause harm to others. Whilst the parent really have to have clear rules as to the behaviour expected, I would suggest that as a grandparent, you have every right to have your own rules in your house. Any major problems would result in sanctions and I would suggest that the simple statement that you are unable to take them to swimming or park or whatever if their behaviour is such that it is either not safe for themselves and others, or they overstep the mark in your house. If they continue, then I do think that you need to talk to their parents, explaining that as things stand you do not feel that they accept rules or your right to decide what is going to happen, so that you are unable to look after them at this time. You are not saying this in an accusitory way, the family has the right to decide what is acceptable behaviour in their home, but you also have the right to say that if you are not going to be in charge, then it can feel very worrying or even a little dangerous. As an adult you see the dangers in a situation and if they are not going to listen when you say you need to move from the edge or whatever , then it really is not safe for them or you to carry on in that way. To me the only thing that could work would be that you could take them to the swimming pool or a football match in a park or whatever , where someone else is running the class but you are there to take them and to encourage and praise them, but are now only expected to be an onlooker and not have to manage their behaviour.

Hi. Why do you have to look after them during school holidays? If you don’t want to , say so! I have six grandchildren , only little still, but my kids completely accept that I cannot be a carer for theirs except on my terms. And it’s “ gran’s house, gran’s rules”.

My house, my rules. If the parents don't like it they can make alternative arrangements. I won't tolerate badly behaved children in my home.

I was having issues with my grandchildren and asked them how I could be a better granny! Eye opener. I acted on what they said and things are better.

I so agree, my grandchildren rarely play up and usually it’s resolved quickly, however one of them a lad aged 11 thinks what he says goes, he is quickly disabused of this when I say ‘ my house my rules ‘. As for the looking after them in holidays, it should not be your job, I help out during school breaks but on my terms.

I have Granddaughters the same age as your grandchildren. They argue/ fight a lot too. This annoys their parents as much as me.

I look after them 4 days a week in the holidays.

One thing my Son in law is very strict on is that I am in charge when looking after them. He 100 % backs me in any decisions I make and they know they're better off giving their Dad trouble than they are me. He (and my daughter) is very grateful for my help and the money I save them in child care bills as well as the stress I save them in that I'm reliable and love them.

Do the parents support you in this way? Do the kids play their parents up more than they do you or less?

Why obviously..do you look after them…I have 6 GC…3 D….they know we are here..but they know that like we did they get in with it. Their children their job. Therefore when we do see/care for them it s a treat for us all
Tell the parents you can’t cope with the behaviour and need a break. I think they may look at sorting things if you are not so available

I suppose Mary Poppins would take them out on an adventure.

You need to discuss with your husband how to move forward with these, the problem is only going to get worse as the boys get bigger and stronger. Once you decide on your plan, discuss with their parents and the boys. They need to understand what behaviour is appropriate when you are looking after them, what you will not accept etc, and the consequences. My rules were always accepted by my grandchildren (and their parents) but I was probably lucky. It's a hard enough job for grandparents to look after young children let alone when they are stressed out with very poor behaviour. If nothing changes you may need to stop looking after them.

NotSpaghetti

I wonder if you've ever come across the book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk?
It's by Adele Faber and years ago was extremely useful.

There are probably newer even better books out there but this one was definitely pretty good.

If you can stagger through half term then next time you have them you could start afresh?

I wish I had access to some of the excellent advice that surround now when I was parenting my own children. There are things that I know I didn’t handle as well as I could’ve done, and made things more stressful for everyone. I would recommend doing a bit of reading around - if books aren’t your thing, there’s quite a lot of good information on social media sites. You might learn some techniques that can help you when you are responsible for the children. Not much is that you can do about them in their own home of course, but who knows? Perhaps some of the techniques will rub off.
I do think ‘our house - our rules’ is a good one too. This worked with visiting children when my were little. Children are very used to having different rules in different places.

mabon2

Tell their parents you cannot put up with ther children any longer and to find alternative arrangements for their care during holidays.

Not in the least tactful, or kind!
There are far more pleasant ways to say something like that. Why do you always pick the unkind ways to do things? It seems to be a habit.

TBH I wouldn’t do it. Looking after grandchildren should be a pleasure at our age, not a stressful chore. We’ve been there and done that! I would let the parents know that you feel it’s too much to keep going with this arrangement and can they think again. If they ask why, I’d explain that unfortunately the children aren’t well behaved and you find it very stressful. Wait for the response. If you’ve upset them, I wouldn’t worry too much. Remember that you are doing this as a choice not a compulsory obligation. My guess is they’ll calm down if need be and you can all reassess the situation.

Tell their parents you cannot put up with ther children any longer and to find alternative arrangements for their care during holidays.

It's a big responsibility for you to supervise them having a friend to play at that age 😕

Our local sports centre has a lot of activity days during the school holidays, with qualified staff.
Not free, but not hugely expensive.

Another option, which my daughter and partner do, is to take it in turns to look after the children themselves during school holidays.
We cover three weeks over the year.