Making the effort to socialise.

Go the website Golden Carers--jokes for seniors and the elderly---to be on the safe side not embarrassing or sexist in strange company.

Learn a few harmless joked that you can tell to the persons on each side of you " Have you heard about-------"

Go. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. No one will chain you to the chair so you can leave whenever you feel like you've had enough. I'm sure you won't be the only one feeling a little unsure.

my husband died 2nd january i started off wanting go out and meet people which was impossible while he was ill at home but have now lost enthusisam as after placing posts about such got no response a facebook group i,m on for widows/widowers to talk has meet ups advertised but none are in the town or nearby area so now i,ve just resigned myself reluctantly to sitting home alone the only place i,ve hear from sounds like meeting up to find a new partner i,m not looking for that now if ever

I use to think ,I won’t go I don’t know anyone .
But then I told myself I never will know anyone if I don’t socialise .
As others have said you can always leave when you have had enough . 🥰

I am a U3A member and found myself in this situation the first couple of years after I joined. I made myself attend the Christmas dinner even though I wanted to curl up at home. I usually introduce myself, ask the names of those near to me, then ask what things they are doing with U3A, how long they have been a member etc. Better than waiting for someone else to notice and speak to you. I am pretty hopeless at small talk, but there is a lot of common ground if you are all members of an organisation. Once round the table the time zooms by and usually I go home thinking it wasnt so bad and congratulating myself on tackling something I was worried about. If it was really bad I would leave early, but so far that hasnt happened.

GoodAfternoonTea

I once stat next to a woman at a WI lunch. I did know her actually and I made polite conversation like: Aren't we having a lovely summer? Do you have any new projects in your craft group? I was met with stony silence. The other woman sitting next to her wasn't much better. I asked if she had any pets? Answer: No. Anyhow, lady on my left was very chatty so meal ended up rather nice.

I wonder if the two of them were friends and just wanted to be able to talk to each other? That has happened to me a few times when I’ve gone on my own to things.

I’ve also had a real problem with a ‘Queen Bee’. I learned that rather than trying to be friendly and talk to her, it was better if I just ignored her - she clearly hated being ignored and started trying to cozy up to me!

But I have had many more brilliant conversations with people I didn’t know - friends and friends, etc. I do usually start by asking people a few questions about themselves as someone else suggested here. And it usually just goes on from there.

And I just don’t believe that you will not have much to talk about - as they say, we all have more in common than divide us. Everyone around you will just be the same kind of ordinary folk that we all are. Here you are starting a lively thread on GN! If you can do that, you can almost certainly start a conversation with the person next to you. If I can hear someone talking about something interesting, I’m not beyond joining in with their conversation. I start by saying ‘I’m sorry but I couldn’t help overhearing you talking about X - that sounds really interesting’, and it goes on from there.
Do go - what’s the worst that can happen?

Not that I do social stuff these days but when I did I found that I often enjoyed the very things I was least expecting to.I can chat away happily to complete strangers that I meet whilst dog walking but I find any situation where I’m stuck in one place and expected to make polite conversation terrifying and end up blabbing on about anything. So I have to remind myself to just ask people about themselves and let them do the talking.

I would drag myself along and then probably find I quite enjoy it. If it turns out to be unbearable, what have you lost really. I’m not especially sociable tbh but I do make the effort to see some people and go to some events and often I like them. Try not to jump to conclusions and go with an open mind.

You must go . I often feel like that at big meetings and find it is not as bad as you thought . Try to get there a little early so you not stuck out on a limb ! People just love talking about themselves so ask them a question a simple one will do ! You may even get to know someone . Good luck 🍀

Go

I find eating out difficult with strangers as so many (older men in particular) have awful table manners. Last time the chap next to me got out a filthy hankie and blew his nose loudly. I thought I was going to be sick and had to excuse myself! Could you take someone you know whose company you’d enjoy?

If you belong to U3A you will already know some people. Just smile and say hello and your away who knows. I am going on my own we might meet I will speak to you . They are very friendly bunch.

Yes you should go. I often find that it is the things I least look forward to that end up being really enjoyable. As MillyNew says prepare a few questions beforehand. Just general ones like ‘which U3A do you go to? ‘Have you travelled far today’? If they tell you where they are from, if you know the area, you could comment on something there or, if you don’t, ask if it’s a nice place to live etc. Generally I find that most people like to talk about themselves. Just be careful you don’t come over as giving them the third degree though.!

Remember, other people there may feel much as you do. Just talk to the people seated near to you - one of the best ways of getting people to chat is to ask them about themselves, what they worked at, etc.etc. Most people are more than happy to tell you all about themselves.

If you want to, go. If you don't, don't go.

I'm surprised you say you don't know anyone. Haven't you joined any of the interest groups?

Our U3A Christmas outing is lunch at a golf club. So there's no escape!

Another U3A member offers others a lift so that we can have a glass of wine.
The alcohol is an ice breaker and speaking to the others on the way means we can all sit at the same table.

It's not my favourite occasion, partly because I'm a vegetarian and I think I'm the only one, so "difficult" but there are beautiful views!

If it's anything like my u3a Christmas lunch- you have already committed by paying your deposit and the restaurant has accepted your'e booking. You're already half way there already as you are feeling positive about the menu, location and timing. Plus you made an active decision to join u3a in the first place, so probably a desire to socialise with others....just need to develop confidence and comfort levels as it sounds you are more towards the introverted side.

Have you met anyone yet in your local u3a group with whom you have built a rapport who is also going? Ff so perhaps you could suggest sharing a lift, walk in together and therefore then sit at the table next to each other. Half way there again....

I'd go with an open mind, it's for several hours only and worst case scenario you will be going back home to your good book afterwards. You never know you may have a great time 🤞

GoodAfternoonTea

Esmay

I understand how you feel .
Sometimes socialising is just exhausting and staying at home is quiet and cosy .
I'm very sociable so I enjoy talking to old and new friends.
But since my father passed I'm becoming increasingly irritated with people .
They can't stop telling me what to do with my life .
They even lecture and argue with me .
I wouldn't dream of telling them what to do with their lives -so why interfer in mine ?

I'd go to the lunch and then leave early if it's too much .

Yes, this is me. I don't have grandchildren or pets and have not been on a holiday in years because I was a carer to my elderly parents for years. So, in the way of conversation I have little to offer. The friends I had dropped me over the years because I was unavailable to socialise because I was a carer. Trying to rebuild a new life now. I suppose this is where it starts.

Don't play down that you cared for your parents. Use this as an opener and say that you're now exploring your options to socialise/travel more and what do they do with their spare time. Caring will feature in many people's lives in U3A so it's fairly common ground and can be an ice breaker.

The trouble is these meals go on far too long - for me, anyway. I am happy having coffee with friends, but anything more is a big effort…

You need to feel comfortable about this meal - I.e. do what’s best for you. Trust your gut feeling x

PaynesGrey

RosieandherMaw

@ PaynesGrey - "informal dinner parties for 20" ??
How very Margot Leadbetter. I didn't think people did dinner parties any more!

It’s not like that at all. Very informal in a very large and untidy cook’s kitchen. Long wooden table that's seen a lot of wear. People wander around between courses, sit next to different people for starter, main and pud.

My friend does this so that people she meets through different strands of her life can meet one another. Conversation flows and people make new friends. What's not to like?

Does she ask for donations, sell tickets? Must cost a bomb. Suppose the bodies might heat the place up so you could leave the heating off.

Go! You don’t have to go again if you don’t want to, but you’ll never know if you don’t try it.

I had forgotten about ‘filling a bucket’ - it’s an imagery I used a lot with Key Stage 1 children too. Thank you for the reminder.

Wonder whether those rude women who wouldnt chat had been on the receiving end of someone "stirring". In any group there's always the chance of one or two people who might like to "stir" or believe a "stirrer". They certainly are around. There are often what I call "Queen Bees" and, if they decide they don't like someone (usually for no good reason) then they tend to stir it and tell other people what to think of someone. It's a means of exerting control/feeling important I think. So maybe a "Queen Bee" had got to the first two and given them their orders what to think?

But there aren't that many people like that around and I would say most people make up their own minds - rather than being told what to think about someone. Someone who has been told what to think about someone by a Queen Bee - but who actually thinks for herself - might make a deliberate point of finding out for themselves.

I don't think there's that many of these Queen Bees around. To my knowledge - there's two in the town I live in and one in the next village over.

So - always worth "giving it a shot" because most people want to make up their own minds for themselves and you might meet one or two of those people who've always got some new project on the go/out to make new friends/etc.

What have you got to lose after all?

Envious of Esmay having that friend who likes holding dinner parties - especially as I do remember being all geared-up for the idea of having and going to dinner parties and starting to buy the relevant cookbooks/casserole dishes/etc back in my 20's. Until it struck me that I was wondering where all these dinner parties were - and I realised they probably do happen (ie at least in that era - the 1970s/80s) - but single women don't get asked to them. So it's wise policy for us, I think, to go to what communal meals there are and have a friend or two round for a meal sometimes at our homes - so we do get some meals out besides restaurant ones.

GoodAfternoonTea

I once stat next to a woman at a WI lunch. I did know her actually and I made polite conversation like: Aren't we having a lovely summer? Do you have any new projects in your craft group? I was met with stony silence. The other woman sitting next to her wasn't much better. I asked if she had any pets? Answer: No. Anyhow, lady on my left was very chatty so meal ended up rather nice.

Well, those first two women were just bloody rude! 😡

I once stat next to a woman at a WI lunch. I did know her actually and I made polite conversation like: Aren't we having a lovely summer? Do you have any new projects in your craft group? I was met with stony silence. The other woman sitting next to her wasn't much better. I asked if she had any pets? Answer: No. Anyhow, lady on my left was very chatty so meal ended up rather nice.

I'm not good at socialising but sometimes it's worth making the effort. Just have a couple of questions ready to ask the person you're sitting next to. They'll either respond or not but at least you won't feel like you have nothing to say. You can leave whenever you like, without feeling obliged to give any excuses.

RosieandherMaw

@ PaynesGrey - "informal dinner parties for 20" ??
How very Margot Leadbetter. I didn't think people did dinner parties any more!

It’s not like that at all. Very informal in a very large and untidy cook’s kitchen. Long wooden table that's seen a lot of wear. People wander around between courses, sit next to different people for starter, main and pud.

My friend does this so that people she meets through different strands of her life can meet one another. Conversation flows and people make new friends. What's not to like?