Making the effort to socialise.

Go.

Eat the lunch. If you decide you've had enough of the gathering you can always quietly leave just after it.

Bit of both I think.
U3A is brilliant set up. Very flexible

Tricky one. We are often exhorted to " join things". It's not easy for many reasons.

Personally I have to put the work in or I would be totally isolated.
Perhaps realistic expectations can be part of it( and the skin of a rhino helps! )

Seating arrangements can be difficult. I stopped going to work Christmas dinners because I realised I didn't really like my colleagues very much!

It can ruin a good evening being sat with the wrong people but I always welcome meeting new ones and realising that they are interesting and funny. Everyone will be feeling much the same.

I say go. Recently I was out with a friend who had invited other friends and they in turn brought a friend. The woman next to me seemed very prim and proper at first, but when we got talking she was very funny, talking about her mis-spent youth and I would really liked to have got to know her better!
Try to find some common ground with whoever you are with and be a good listener.

Hope you go and have a lovely time but if you don't, don't let it put you off trying again.

I understand how you feel .
Sometimes socialising is just exhausting and staying at home is quiet and cosy .
I'm very sociable so I enjoy talking to old and new friends.
But since my father passed I'm becoming increasingly irritated with people .
They can't stop telling me what to do with my life .
They even lecture and argue with me .
I wouldn't dream of telling them what to do with their lives -so why interfer in mine ?

I'd go to the lunch and then leave early if it's too much .

Yes. Go and leave early if it's too much. At least then you can go home to a comfy read of a good book and have socialised.
I tnink socialising is good for you to exercise that socialising muscle. It is a skill in a way and needs practise.

Go. You will probably be glad you did. I have been to few dinners where I didn't know anyone and found those sitting by me friendly and felt better for nice food and a good chat.

Make the effort to communicate, even if it’s a casual remark like ‘the table settings are lovely aren’t they’ or ‘ I’m really looking forward to a meal I haven’t had to cook’ and remember, you won’t be the only person there who feels a bit of an outsider. Enjoy!

Esmay

I understand how you feel .
Sometimes socialising is just exhausting and staying at home is quiet and cosy .
I'm very sociable so I enjoy talking to old and new friends.
But since my father passed I'm becoming increasingly irritated with people .
They can't stop telling me what to do with my life .
They even lecture and argue with me .
I wouldn't dream of telling them what to do with their lives -so why interfer in mine ?

I'd go to the lunch and then leave early if it's too much .

Yes, this is me. I don't have grandchildren or pets and have not been on a holiday in years because I was a carer to my elderly parents for years. So, in the way of conversation I have little to offer. The friends I had dropped me over the years because I was unavailable to socialise because I was a carer. Trying to rebuild a new life now. I suppose this is where it starts.

Social occasions aren’t really about deep conversations - people like to get out of the house and be with others. General social chat can be about what you saw on tv, what’s happening locally, anything really. If you make friends as a result, you can have more personal or political chats one a one to one basis if you want to.

I would go, as the winter nights are long and it’s good to have company and make contacts.

A friend loves to cook and throws regular informal dinner parties for about 20 people; invitees a mix of around 25% people she already knows and 75% met recently. There’s usually a lot of people there I have never met before. I like it that way as it offers scope to ask people about themselves, find interest topics of conversation and make new friends.

As this is U3A you already have that to talk about. My local U3A has over 700 members. Impossible to know them all. You’ll meet people who attend different interest groups so you have that as a topic of conversation to start with. You could always bat around ideas for new groups, or subjects you would like to hear about at the general monthly meet ups.

My local group has started a WYBIG Whats App group - a Would You Be Interested Group where people can find company for one-off activities. if your group doesn’t have that already, maybe you could sound people out about it.

Making a new friend during Christmas dinner would be crackers.

Why not shelve that notion, and settle for a short encounter observing a rather interesting person (while eating some nice food) . Maybe that shy one who hasn't said much.

Do give it a whirl.
I was in a similar position last year. It was a Christmas meal and I didn't know the people well as I'd only just joined the exercise group. I'm rather shy but as we now all meet up for weekly exercise and chat we've got to know each other and it's really nice.

butterandjam

Making a new friend during Christmas dinner would be crackers.

Why not shelve that notion, and settle for a short encounter observing a rather interesting person (while eating some nice food) . Maybe that shy one who hasn't said much.

Sounds a bit creepy to settle for a short encounter observing a rather interesting person (while eating some nice food) . Maybe that shy one who hasn't said much
Do you mean watching them eating?
Kiss of death for "that shy one".
No, social interaction works in both directions.
Nobody expects you to be a raconteur like Stephen Fry, just be yourself, friendly , listening and responding.
I'll bet you're not the only one who can find these things potentially intimidating! Enjoy the company AND the meal!

@ PaynesGrey - "informal dinner parties for 20" ??
How very Margot Leadbetter. I didn't think people did dinner parties any more!

Stay home always! I am contented at home and have even chosen to spend Christmas days at home alone now the GCs are adults. I am not lonely and nobody needs to feel sorry for me!

RosieandherMaw

@ PaynesGrey - "informal dinner parties for 20" ??
How very Margot Leadbetter. I didn't think people did dinner parties any more!

It’s not like that at all. Very informal in a very large and untidy cook’s kitchen. Long wooden table that's seen a lot of wear. People wander around between courses, sit next to different people for starter, main and pud.

My friend does this so that people she meets through different strands of her life can meet one another. Conversation flows and people make new friends. What's not to like?

I'm not good at socialising but sometimes it's worth making the effort. Just have a couple of questions ready to ask the person you're sitting next to. They'll either respond or not but at least you won't feel like you have nothing to say. You can leave whenever you like, without feeling obliged to give any excuses.

I once stat next to a woman at a WI lunch. I did know her actually and I made polite conversation like: Aren't we having a lovely summer? Do you have any new projects in your craft group? I was met with stony silence. The other woman sitting next to her wasn't much better. I asked if she had any pets? Answer: No. Anyhow, lady on my left was very chatty so meal ended up rather nice.

GoodAfternoonTea

I once stat next to a woman at a WI lunch. I did know her actually and I made polite conversation like: Aren't we having a lovely summer? Do you have any new projects in your craft group? I was met with stony silence. The other woman sitting next to her wasn't much better. I asked if she had any pets? Answer: No. Anyhow, lady on my left was very chatty so meal ended up rather nice.

Well, those first two women were just bloody rude! 😡

Wonder whether those rude women who wouldnt chat had been on the receiving end of someone "stirring". In any group there's always the chance of one or two people who might like to "stir" or believe a "stirrer". They certainly are around. There are often what I call "Queen Bees" and, if they decide they don't like someone (usually for no good reason) then they tend to stir it and tell other people what to think of someone. It's a means of exerting control/feeling important I think. So maybe a "Queen Bee" had got to the first two and given them their orders what to think?

But there aren't that many people like that around and I would say most people make up their own minds - rather than being told what to think about someone. Someone who has been told what to think about someone by a Queen Bee - but who actually thinks for herself - might make a deliberate point of finding out for themselves.

I don't think there's that many of these Queen Bees around. To my knowledge - there's two in the town I live in and one in the next village over.

So - always worth "giving it a shot" because most people want to make up their own minds for themselves and you might meet one or two of those people who've always got some new project on the go/out to make new friends/etc.

What have you got to lose after all?

Envious of Esmay having that friend who likes holding dinner parties - especially as I do remember being all geared-up for the idea of having and going to dinner parties and starting to buy the relevant cookbooks/casserole dishes/etc back in my 20's. Until it struck me that I was wondering where all these dinner parties were - and I realised they probably do happen (ie at least in that era - the 1970s/80s) - but single women don't get asked to them. So it's wise policy for us, I think, to go to what communal meals there are and have a friend or two round for a meal sometimes at our homes - so we do get some meals out besides restaurant ones.

Go! You don’t have to go again if you don’t want to, but you’ll never know if you don’t try it.

I had forgotten about ‘filling a bucket’ - it’s an imagery I used a lot with Key Stage 1 children too. Thank you for the reminder.

PaynesGrey

RosieandherMaw

@ PaynesGrey - "informal dinner parties for 20" ??
How very Margot Leadbetter. I didn't think people did dinner parties any more!

It’s not like that at all. Very informal in a very large and untidy cook’s kitchen. Long wooden table that's seen a lot of wear. People wander around between courses, sit next to different people for starter, main and pud.

My friend does this so that people she meets through different strands of her life can meet one another. Conversation flows and people make new friends. What's not to like?

Does she ask for donations, sell tickets? Must cost a bomb. Suppose the bodies might heat the place up so you could leave the heating off.

The trouble is these meals go on far too long - for me, anyway. I am happy having coffee with friends, but anything more is a big effort…

You need to feel comfortable about this meal - I.e. do what’s best for you. Trust your gut feeling x