Making the effort to socialise.

Definitely go. You like the food, location, timing and will either enjoy or endure the company for a couple of hours. And it is daytime. I find myself not going to things I would like to go to because they are in the evening, and I don’t want to walk back home or to my car or to the bus stop on my own in the late evening.

I've just opted out of 2 meals this weekend to meet an extended family member I only met last weekend. I always get so anxious in case my tummy flares up as it often does and also the restaurant will be so noisy I won't hear what's going on. I feel quite relieved now and will see her here for a coffee before she goes home on Sunday.

Oh, no. I would stay at home. Probably overpriced and overcooked food, served in a noisy environment where you can’t hear a word being said!

There will no doubt be others in the same situation. Perhaps they will organise some getting-to-know games and activities and you will find that there are others with the same experiences and likes/dislikes as you.

I am a member of a cycling group not going to Xmas Dinner only know a few of them. There will probably be at least 30. I find large groups very stressful. Some of them aren't people I want to socialise with, conspiracy theorists, reform sympathisers and the like. I would no doubt end up sitting near them. I would end up drinking too much nasty wine and indigestion.

I go to a lot of lunches and dinners as part of Probus. Different people each time. Most are very interesting and we have a good time yacking away. Certain people I tend to avoid, however ( it pays to get there early and choose who you sit with ! ) Even if you get next to someone you aren’t keen on you can usually walk around and talk to others in between courses.

If I am unsure about whether to go to something, I remind myself that it will cost me a couple of hours, and that if I didn't go I would be doing X. Usually the X is something I could do at any time (eg reading a book) and the event would mean meeting people who could become friends - filling my social bucket, as you say. Nine times out of ten I go. Also, if everyone stays at home events stop happening, and meeting people becomes difficult.

As we get older it can be difficult to make friends, as people often spend time with family, and don't go out as much as when they were younger. Also, even if we have a lot of people around us, they can move away, or leave our lives for other reasons, and as our social circle dwindles it can be difficult to fill that bucket, and many older people end up feeling lonely.

As often as not, something like a group lunch won't result in meeting a lifelong friend (although you never know), but it will mean that when you next bump into the people you chat to you can say hello, or sit next to them at a meeting and pick up where you left off. You could then suggest going for coffee, and see how it goes. The more people you have who you can call and suggest doing something the less likely you are to get lonely.

Woollywoman

The trouble is these meals go on far too long - for me, anyway. I am happy having coffee with friends, but anything more is a big effort…

You need to feel comfortable about this meal - I.e. do what’s best for you. Trust your gut feeling x

Agreed. I read somewhere that when making a decision, you should toss a coin. While it's in the air, you'll know in your mind which side you're hoping for.

I haven't been to any U3A Christmas meals because, to be honest, they are all pretty expensive at a time when I've got plenty of other expenses. I've been to a few BBQs and they've been quite fun. After the first one I've got to know a few people so there's usually someone I can sit with and you can always move around a bit and find more people to talk to.

After a lifetime spent on a busy career I find it difficult to do the "smalltalk" stuff at such events, but in my twenties I made a friend who gave me the best advice I could ever have had regarding small talk with people you don't really know, and that was to never just answer a question from a person without asking them one in return. So if someone says "I haven't seen you at a meeting before, are you new?" you answer "Yes, I only joined last month. How long have you been a member?" It does work!

I usually go to things with my DH and the widows (there are a lot in our u3a) seem to love him. I think it's cos he isn't a typical alpha male but pretty gentle and harmless, and sometimes a bit amusing (with remarks that irritate me!). I am not at all jealous, but he spends more time talking to them than he does to me!

GO!
I am sure the people you sit with will be chatty etc. I am saying this from the point that I am not able to go out to things like this. Please make the most of being out and about. However, if you want to stay at home and read a book that is your choice but do not complain about being lonely. Friends are a two way exchange.

Maybe you will be a great listener! Do go, enjoy the experience, it might be fun!

I suggest two possible things that might be a little helpful. Rather than letting actually going to the meal become a big effort, could you go to the library or have a look in a gallery or shop that you like before you go on to the meal. That means that you are already out and the stress can be less as you have already done something you enjoy and of course you could also have something to talk about , which you have just been to. The other side of this is to accept the invitation, thank them and tell them that you already have a meeting organised for later that afternoon, but will enjoy the lunch and just may have to leave earlier than you would like and let them know that it is not a problem with the meal etc. This quite vague appointment means that you have your escape route planned from the beginning. That can make you relax, because you have that in the background, so that you actually might enjoy it and stay a bit longer. At the worst, you will hopefully have had a pleasant meal, met a few people who could turn out to be possible future friends, and not had to wash up!! You can happily return home , kick off your shoes and enjoy sprawling with a coffee, mentally patting yourself on the back for the effort you have made. Either of these plans leaves you in control, able to choose how long you stay there and as you will not be expecting anything special you might meet someone there who you have not met before and is on your wavelength. Good luck and hope it is a happy day.

I’m also in the go camp . I find that things I’m not looking forward to, turn out to be quite good fun or I’ve met new people .
I’m not a member of U3A or the WI but by just being a member , you’ve got something to talk about . My job meant I had to make small talk , so I’m quite good at starting a conversation. Although it’s tricky when people give you an abrupt yrs or no .

Barbadosbelle

Rosieandhermaw

I read recently that dinner parties are having a revival.

You'll read soon of people rebuilding the walls they took down to create those noisy awful living/dining/kitchens spaces.

You need a 'proper' dining-room for a dinner-party. An evening meal in the kitchen is called supper!!!
.

A supper is not necessarily in the kitchen. I have been to very smart suppers in the past in friends’ dining rooms and Hyacinth certainly went to town!😁

As several people have already said further up the thread, as it's u3a you already have a topic of conversation, discussing which interest groups you go to, or talking about others you have heard of. If there isn't already a list for which table to sit at, perhaps look round for one where people are not already deep in conversation with each other - they probably know each other and may just want to talk to each other.

SaxonGrace that's true, I had forgotten how all the couples sit next to eachother. I sometimes wonder if the married women are afraid we'll steal their husbands 🤣😂😆 as if!!

Our lunch is in danger of being cancelled because 40 are needed to reserve the whole restaurant and there aren't enough yet.

Perhaps they are all ambivalent like you GoodAfternoonTea

Look around for other people who are alone. Ask people about themselves. People love someone who is interested in them

Back in 2007 we moved to a new city and and an apartment complex which caters for all ages, some owned and others rented. My partner is not gregarious but as I knew no-one I was determined to meet some of our neighbours. There was a general invitation to meet at a nearby Thai restaurant. My partner hates "foreign" food so wouldn't go. I went on my own and met some delightful people, one of whom has become my new BF and she took me along to her coffee morning group. Another group of friends was formed. So do go. You never know who you might meet.

I’m due to go to our local one too at the start of December, that was until I was told by a long term member that the seating was always, all couples sit together on various tables, all us singles on two other tables, this struck me as odd, so now like you I’m torn between going and not going.

Since I retired I have joined WI and a local education centre for retired people. I met lots of lovely people and we make a real effort to get to know each other and help out if people need anything. Recently two ladies have fallen and broken things, and they have had people set up downstairs bedrooms, offers of shopping, lifts and visitors. I think it's really kind and community minded. I have loved becoming part of these communities. The only way to become part of these groups is to go and join in and chat. They might not be your kind of people, but how else do you find out? I know it can seem an effort, and awkward at first. I am a very sociable person though,....

1. You wont have to cook, and hopefully the food will be good. You have paid for it
2. I love to curl up with a good book and find it hard to motivate myself to go out, but usually good when I do, you can always walk away
3. If you are U3A age then chances are you might connect with people you have not met for years

Give it a go

My husband died in January, I eventually joined a local lunch group and my local Oddfellows,I think without them I would have gone mad,it's not been easy pushing myself forward and I still have bad days,I hate being on my own but I know mixing with other people has helped me so much.

Rosieandhermaw

I read recently that dinner parties are having a revival.

You'll read soon of people rebuilding the walls they took down to create those noisy awful living/dining/kitchens spaces.

You need a 'proper' dining-room for a dinner-party. An evening meal in the kitchen is called supper!!!
.

gibson2222

my husband died 2nd january i started off wanting go out and meet people which was impossible while he was ill at home but have now lost enthusisam as after placing posts about such got no response a facebook group i,m on for widows/widowers to talk has meet ups advertised but none are in the town or nearby area so now i,ve just resigned myself reluctantly to sitting home alone the only place i,ve hear from sounds like meeting up to find a new partner i,m not looking for that now if ever

I’m sorry to hear that.

That’s why I mentioned upthread our U3A WYBIG “Would you be interested in going” initiative . It’s an addition to the monthly talks and regular interest groups and aimed at one-off events.

If you see something on that you would like to go to but would like some company, you can post on the WYBIG … e.g. Would anyone like to go to see The Nutcracker at the Town Theatre on 10 December? Would anyone like to make up a team of four for a Quiz Night at the Dog & Duck on 20 November in aid of [name of charity].