Funny things overheard

When I was 15 in the 1960s, I worked in a little cafè in the centre of a Lancashire town. It was run by a couple of oldish, salt-of-the-earth Lancashire women - the kind Les Dawson used to parody.
One of them said to me "My husband's driving one of them new Icelandic lorries today."
I said "What's an Icelandic lorry?"
"One of them where the cab's separate from the rest of it."
I said "Oh, you mean an articulated lorry."
She said "I knew it was something to do with the Arctic."

I was making cappuccinos for a couple of businessmen in M&S. One of them asked for cinnamon on his. I said I was sorry, but we were making Italian style coffee and cinnamon is seldom offered in Italy. "Oh yes it is" he said "They grow it in Italy" I had a vision of Italy covered with tropical forests of cinnamon trees, and perhaps a few nutmeg trees as well. It made me wonder why all those Italian and Spanish explorers bothered to go off looking for the Spice Islands when they'd got it all at home.

Overheard in A&E. An extremely elderly gentleman had been brought in by ambulance with no one accompanying him. He was very deaf and a bit confused after a fall. He managed to give his first name and the nurse assessing him was trying to get to the bottom of where he had fallen and who had found him.
‘And where were you when you fell?’ she said loudly.
‘I was on the floor’ he said confidently.
‘But which floor?’
‘The one with the rug.’
‘Ok.’ She changed tack. ‘So how did the ambulance crew find you?’ she shouted.
He thought a minute. ‘Oh very affable I think. Yes, I’m sure I was.’
Her expression was priceless. And the everyone else had a much needed giggle!

I was in a restaurant many many years ago and we were given a finger bowl (can't remember why, probably prawns). at a nearby table a rather well to do lady was asking her husband if he would like some of this sauce, yes she spooned the finger bowl over his dinner, my dining partner has to leave the room he was laughing so much.

At a wedding meal
Wife “that woman over there is being condescending”
Husband looks - and disagrees with his wife.
Wife (aggressively now, on the wine) “She is, she is being condescending, I know condensation when I see it”

Heard in a Knitting Shop years ago.
Two shop assistants talking.

Did you hear about Tessa's husband?

No.

Well. He went out into their vegetable garden to dig up. a cauliflower for their tea. Starting coughing and keeled over and died.

Oh My God? What did she do?

She opened a tin of peas.

My 3 year old grandson told me he’d been to the ‘hair comb’ with nursery. Turns out they went to visit residents at a local care home. I asked if he’d had a good time and he said ‘yes but I didn’t like the lady with the beard’

Etoile2701

A couple in the doctor's waiting room: man 'I hear that William will be taking over from Charles as king soon. The late queen was 23 when she came to the throne'. Wife 'well, Charles must be over 80 by now'. I could have told them that Charles is currently 76 years old and won't be 77 until 14th November. And the late queen was 26 when she came to the throne.

Actually Princess Elizabeth was 25 at the time of her accession to the throne in February 1952.

School staffroom, crowded at break. Phone rings and the colleague nearest the phone answers it in a formal teacherly way. It's John, says the caller. John who? asks the colleague. John your husband, he says. Oh dear, we did laugh.

I overheard my neighbour explaining to a keen gardening friend - "my lawn needs feeding because it's full of micro-orgasms".

grandmac

Not overheard by me but read in a magazine. Man overheard in a store changing room saying, “ You know Grace I’ve never been entirely satisfied with your nipples”. Poor lady! And whatever could have been wrong with them?

More to the point, whatever were they doing in the changing room 😳

A work colleague opening a bank account for a student told us ‘I don’t know why they want to learn about dead people’ They wanted to be an Optometrist. The colleague didn’t understand why we were laughing at her.

Not overheard by me but read in a magazine. Man overheard in a store changing room saying, “ You know Grace I’ve never been entirely satisfied with your nipples”. Poor lady! And whatever could have been wrong with them?

Years ago a friend was just getting up to get off a bus in Cambridge when he heard a man sitting behind him say to the person he'd been talking to
"and ninethly"

Just tickled us so much

A couple in the doctor's waiting room: man 'I hear that William will be taking over from Charles as king soon. The late queen was 23 when she came to the throne'. Wife 'well, Charles must be over 80 by now'. I could have told them that Charles is currently 76 years old and won't be 77 until 14th November. And the late queen was 26 when she came to the throne.

I was walking down a gentle hill and two cyclists were puffing a bit as they cycled up (all in lycra etc, maybe early 60s) one said 'Have you tried that wine I mentioned?' the other replied 'Oh you have mentioned it before, we tried it but we prefer our usual Malbec' - made me laugh and just shows what a middle class area I live in when the cyclists chat about wine!

I used to run a supermarket cafe and whilst out clearing tables one day I overheard two elderly ladies chatting. Of course, said one, he couldn’t find his shotgun so he had to use her tights! I scrubbed the table behind them for about ten minutes but never heard any explanation.

Luckygirl3

On a village bus. Two women sitting in front of me. "Have you seen the new doctor? Skinny as a rail. Needs a good meal. What must his wife be thinking of?"

I was the wife .........

Spent an appointment with my doc discussing HIS weight problem, so you are doing it right.

I do often find some funny mistakes when people are discussing their pills and getting the names wrong

If you know football then you'll understand this one..
Wife to husband.. " what's a grapefruit pass ?"
Very patiently he explained ." It's a great through pass "

I'm embarrassed to admit the wife was me..iv never lived it down with the men in the family.

My first day at a new civil service job and keen to impress, the staff gathered at lunch time in the break room and the manager was doing the crossword.
"Regan, Cordelia and......" he said
"Gonorrhoea!" I proclaimed without hesitation. Everyone laughed , I blushed !

A couple of things from long ago. My mother's cleaner told her how her friend suffered terrible from her leg ulsters. Also an elderly woman was boasting that her daughter had congealed lighting behind her pelmets. Very 60s😀

My aunt was talking to a friend recently and told her that she had been shopping at a certain butchers shop since "before I was born" - still trying to work that one out!

Years ago I was a passenger in a car when the car in front of us stopped suddenly and we went into the back of it. The policeman asked the lady why she had stopped so suddenly and she said it was to turn right. He said "then why didn't you indicate, you know you have to indicate when you change direction?" She said "but I didn't change direction, I always go this way" !!
PS No one was seriously hurt thankfully

In tesco I heard a woman say she was looking for automatic duck. It's called aromatic duck!

my mum this year said she was going to see the paedophile so he can do her feet! I said you mean the podiatrist mum! paedophile is something completely different!