Malapropisms

I've just remembered something I said! When I was a teenager, dad was painting the living room. I referred to the paint as Durex paint and asked him about the dildo(not dado) rail! As I was a very naive teenager, I assume I had read both somewhere.

These are so funny. My late MIL used to come out with some howlers but the one we always quote is about someone in the family who had had a lovely conservative built at the back of the house!

The organism and orgasm quote brought back memories as a young medical secretary I would always confuse the two which generated a few laughs when reading my typed up letters and a bright red face from me

My DD2 now in her forties always says she is wondering around never seems to be able to say wandering always has always will I guess

A musical one that amused me was when someone referred to Matthew Best and the Corydon Singers as "that good Matthew Best and the Croyden singers"!

My late mu, bless her, was on all sorts of laxatives in her final years. She had to take Fybogel each day and would call it Bifocal. I knew what she meant but no one else did.

A colleague described someone as 'so thin she looks emancipated'.

Thank you, OP. I have cried laughing at some of these. What a great tonic!

Long years ago my sister in law excitedly announced the arrival of a Delicate Pheasant in her area (delicatessen)!

A friend at the end of a long letter said "Excuse my epitaph"

My mother used to refer to houses of ill repute as immortal houses
As a young student nurse , many years ago, a lady stopped me in the hospital grounds to ask directions to the maternity department.She was hoping to visit her pregnant daughter in there as her baby was overdue and she was getting seduced.

ExDancer

My MIL had (whisper) "everything taken away" when she had her 'histerical money'

An old lady I was next to in the vet's waiting room whispered this to me about her dog whom she had just had neutered

We used to call an old friend Mrs Malaprop as she used to mix so many words up .
We couldn't tell her why we were laughing and she thought that we were either drunk or on drugs .
The worst malaprop was her confusion with organism and orgasm .

I remember a TV programme (It’ll Be All Right On The Night or similar) where a nurse couldn’t pronounce hypodermic needle. She said, ‘hyperdeemic nerdle.’ I have to think twice now!

I still go cold when I remember as a teenager going for a field walk with a group of young farmers. My boot got stuck in mud and I announced that I'd had to yank my foot out. Only I started "yank" with a different letter.

AGAA4

An old neighbour whispered that she was suffering from painful asteroids.

Funnily enough a man I knew got it the other way round, he told me that he'd read that planet earth was in danger of being hit by a giant haemorrhoid.

Perhaps the two words are interchangeable.

My nursing friend couldn’t pronounce “imminent”, always saying “liniment” when describing a forthcoming event. Nowadays she sticks to “coming soon”…

I once worked with someone who may have been the inspiration for Hyacinth Bucket. I always had to surpress a giggle when she waxed lyrical about the gleaming spires of Oxford.

When I was a teenager, my parents were helping me decorate my bedroom. My mother asked me where I wanted the wardrobe but I made a comment about something else (don't remember what that was). Annoyed, she said "We're not talking about that, we're disgusting the wardrobe."

I looked at it and it didn't seem to be too bothered!

An old neighbour whispered that she was suffering from painful asteroids.

My daughter in law said she had enrolled her 6 year old son in a class to learn judo and other marital arts.

Elderly lady told me she needed to get a new (underarm) DERODENT...

Visions of mice and rats scuttling around her armpits!

My mother always confused lesbian and Lebanese with ridiculous results.

My friend's young son had a lovely holiday in Super Weston Mare. We still chuckle to this day when Weston-super-Mare is mentioned.

Very elderly aunt bought a new warped iron table (wrought iron) and regularly dusted her skirping boards (skirting)

My friend, who has several children, went to the doctor with a certain problem. She swears the doctor said it was virginitis. Her husband apparently also suffers with something called prostrate cancer.