Why is it always me making the invites?

Yes, I'm usually the organiser in my group of friends and it does sometimes make me wish the others would step up more. At least they do a bit, and I love them anyway
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Also I wish my sister, the other side of the UK, would phone or text me off her own bat. We love eachother hugely and have masses to share but it's always me initiating. I have deliberately left it to see if she contacts me and it has gone for 3 or 4 months before she does, so I don't let that happen now and we speak probably monthly and text between.
I recently mentioned this to my DS (wonderful at keeping in touch) and he said it was just a personality difference between her and me. I am trying to see it that way, but it's hard not to be a little disappointed. Makes me think that I value her more than she values me, but I must hang on to DS's evaluation.

vegansrock I really like your attitude towards friendship.

I try not to think of friendship as transactions - “you do A, then I’ll do B, its my turn then your turn” kind of thinking. As others have pointed out, different people have different stresses in their lives we don't necessarily know about. I rarely “host” friends, instead we meet for coffee or lunch, go to a gallery or exhibition together. Its not hard to send a text or WhatsApp. So what if I'm the instigator? If they don't want to come they won't, the fact is they usually do!

I am so glad it's not just me. Ive given up with some "friends" as they don't respond to my phone calls or texts, clearly I care more about our friendship than theydo -- yet when they have problems I'm the first onethey call. There sre a few precious friends I will always care about but the others have slipped away , and so be it.

Bumped

I agree with those of you who have said it's draining to always be the hostess or the person who arranges outings. I have one friend who has not reciprocated anything in 10 years so I stopped getting tickets for things a year ago because I was feeling resentful. I no longer suggest/arrange anything. We see each other at our book club and oddly enough remain on good terms.
I was thinking about this thread when walking my dog this evening. I fancy going to the theatre next week and normally I would email/text a few friends to see if they would like to go and buy the tickets. I decided to try a new tactic. When I got home I booked my ticket and messaged friends saying I'd got a ticket and "if anyone is interested , buy a ticket online and I'll be in the bar 1/2 hour before the performance. The seats are not allocated so we can sit anywhere."
I'm trying to avoid multiple texts/emails such as "CocoPops where is the nearest car park? CocoPops is there any free parking in the vicinity? CocoPops will you ask Sarah to pick me up or meet me at such and such a bus stop? CocoPops does bus no. 19 stop close by? CocoPops I can't go. Can you sell my ticket to someone? etc etc.! Will it work? I'll let you know.

Babs03

It was like that with myself and a close circle of friends, I was the one always organising get togethers, finding a restaurant that suited us all then booking a table etc., I was also the one collecting money pooled for a bouquet of flowers when one of us was going through a hard time.
Fast forward to my DH having a stroke and bleeds on the brain so am out of the loop. No bouquet of flowers, not even a card, very little in the way of calls or texts.
Yet others, whom I didn’t think I was as close to, have come forward and been really helpful.
Fact is if you are the one doing all the running it just shows that they don’t value your friendship enough to return the favour.

Babs03 That is almost a carbon copy of how it’s been for us since my husband’s stroke.

I’ve lost count of the people who say how sorry they are that he is now disabled etc and they “must” call round and see him. It’s nearly a year since the stroke and very few have been round.
Maybe they think a stroke is catching!

People are perfectly friendly if we meet in public and tell me to look after myself as well as my husband and tell me to let them know if they can help in any way but they don’t really mean it.

A good example is my nearest neighbour. Her husband committed suicide several years ago when her kids were in their teens. I offered her extra Z beds and bedding as she said she had family staying for the funeral. I made her a large casserole and a dessert and took them round. I invited her for coffee several times. I fed her cat when she took the kids away.
She knows my husband had a stroke as another neighbour said she told her but she has never so much as enquired about him.

No not everyone finds hosting easy but it is not difficult to open a bottle of wine and put a few nibbles out, even if they are shop bought. It is about friendship, sharing and giving those who have shown you hospitality some in return. It would be nice to be a guest for a change instead of being the proverbial hosts.

Surely if you're friends you can say to each other about issues? Don't let them build into something that isn't there

I decided years ago that I would just be me and not expect others to be the same. Each is answerable to themselves. Friendships do need to be a bit of a two way process but not necessarily equal.

I like to keep in touch with friends but am not always as good as I would like to be. I value the contact that my friends have with me but I don't take it for granted.

mabon2

A person with whom I was friendly for over 30 years became poorly and couldn't do much. Every week for a year I made an evening meal for them, at Christmas I gave them a homemade Christmas cake baked by myself. The husband knocked on my back door one day in January returning the cake on which I hadpout the cake and said "I'm returning the plate" No thank you for anything I had given them for the year, not even a bunch of flowers. that for me was the last straw, stopped visiting and taking gifts.

Blimey mabon, that is indeed harsh.

And yet sometimes, kindness comes from unexpected sources.

A person with whom I was friendly for over 30 years became poorly and couldn't do much. Every week for a year I made an evening meal for them, at Christmas I gave them a homemade Christmas cake baked by myself. The husband knocked on my back door one day in January returning the cake on which I hadpout the cake and said "I'm returning the plate" No thank you for anything I had given them for the year, not even a bunch of flowers. that for me was the last straw, stopped visiting and taking gifts.

Judy54

Yes it is infuriating. This has happened to us many times over the years. We always seem to be the hosts with people saying come to us next time and next time never happens, we can hardly invite ourselves to their homes. We backed off on the invitations and never heard from some of these people again. Clearly our friendship did not mean that much to them. We got fed up with being givers to those who were only takers and moved on. No idea why people behave like this.

Not everyone finds hosting easy. My parents were always having people round or to stay and people used to drop in all the time. I hated it and am the complete opposite, but funnily enough my two daughters have taken after my mother.

beachcomber76

I'm another who feels uncomfortable having friends in the house. I grew up in a quiet household and never had visitors so didn't learnt the art of entertainment. I was never encouraged to have friends round either so was used to my own company.

So then in childhood/teenage years, as now, it was always me visiting them. If I didn't visit people now I would see no one! They are always pleased to see me and happy that they do not have to make the effort. But it suits me.

I've had friends visit in the past and thought they'd never go. I find that stressful. So I like visiting far more than being visited and try never to outstay my welcome. I know where I stand though but a price worth paying to feel somewhat in control of the situation.

Me too Beachcomber.

SunnySusie

I am another who finds having friends visit my house really stressful. I turn myself inside out cleaning absolutely everything (even though the house is reasonably clean normally) and am then exhausted. I worry about the food, the drink, whether I should arrange entertainment, how long they will stay. If they are visiting overnight its even worse. Will I wake them tramping to the loo in the night? Will they wake me? And these are people I really like, who have been friends for years. I would so much like to chill out and enjoy their visits, but inevitably I dont issue many invites and then wish we saw more of each other.

I am exactly the same Sunny Susie.

Just knocked another handful of stragglers off my Christmas list - the 'we must meet for coffee' brigade but never bother.

Polly7

Think you're really fortunate if have life long friends. Iv had a big upset and now wonder if I knew her properly at all
True tgat can change with age and circumstances, patience lessons after meno 😊 I keep going over it and want to reach out but she has said things I can't get past which were unfair and untrue
Came out in hives for a few weeks
Really sad there is no one answer, I just wish I could forget it, Heart felt wishes to all who are affected badly
'People!' I think a bit like this now. Which I hate about myself as was always a big forgiver maybe to my detriment

I am sorry to hear about your friend and can imagine how this must have felt for you. You don't mention your or her age, but could she be wandering into the realms of dementia? My mother started to say some really horrible things which upset me and which were quite untrue. If not dementia, then good that you discovered what a horrible person she was and you can now hopefully ignore her in the future.

I had a neighbour who I invited for supper and to watch a film with me. She invited me back, then called that evening and said sorry, double booked. She never invited me again. Another neighbour who I took out for lunch, never bothered to invite me for coffee. I’ve never been much fun I guess. I’ve always put my kids first and never left them much growing up so I’m out of the habit of having interesting things to talk about, I’m mainly a listener. I travel quite a lot though.

Thank you for this post. I thought it was me being a grumpy old woman! It’s always me arranging to meet etc and it’s getting blooming exhausting. I’m married yet lonely if that makes sense. DH lives in his little world and I like female company. But I’m getting Fedup of always being the one to organise everything. It’s draining.

I'm not house proud at all so don't mind who sees how I live and enjoy having friends for coffee or a meal however I also like the cafe culture which we didn't have when I was a young woman.
Meeting friends in a café can be so relaxed and now dogs are often welcome too.

Unusually for me I have not read all the responses on this thread, as I don't want to be influenced.

I am an organiser, and the one who 'makes things happen'. I am the one who hosts and provides cooked food and a range of drinks (I rarely drink alcohol, but provide red and white wine and soft drinks when people are at my house in the evenings), only to find that when it's someone else's turn to host there are crisps and dips, and other than the wine there is squash or water - basically no effort is made to accommodate my preferences.

If there is no local facility for something I'd like to attend, I set one up. I pull my weight, and don't expect others to provide for my interests.

I am getting increasingly fed up with those who don't. People who wait for me to ask them to coffee at my house. Or to go somewhere at my behest (so I buy the tickets and sort the transport), but never suggest anything off their own bat. Basically, people who expect others to run after them and can't be bothered to reciprocate. They are a drag on everyone else.

A while ago, I decided to stop doing it. I made a conscious effort to make new friends, and I made it clear to the new people that I wanted to be friends on an equal footing, and it has worked.

I still see my old friends, but I make far less effort. I don't dislike them, but am not prepared to carry their social lives any longer. Mostly, I go out with the new people, and have met even more new friends through those people, as they are the sort to have people in their orbit - the old ones just don't, as for years they have sat back and waited for others to make the effort.

So. I'm not sure what has been said, and I am not responding to anyone in particular, but if you are they type to expect others to do the heavy lifting, maybe you need to have a think?

Why should it always be the same people who bother, and why do some think they are above making an effort?

I have been thinking about this subject quite a bit recently, I am one of those who is always 'the arranger' (as is my sister and both my daughters - think we inherited it from our mother!). I am in a book group of 9 people and we have been meeting together for many years, recently someone mentioned in our Whats App group going to see the Downton Abbey film - several seemed keen and I said I would have liked to go but as DH wanted to see it I would go with him....needless to say it went quiet and no-one has been to see it (apart from me & DH!). I have a very good friend who lives on her own, so I do make the effort to initiate outings from time to time, when we last went for a walk I dropped her home and she said 'Do ask me next time you want some company on a walk' - I replied 'And you can ask me when you want to go' but she thinks I will be busy and does not like to ask. In fact I discussed this with a psychotherapist friend, who says it is a fear of rejection on the part of the person who just sits and waits to be asked, and if you are not a person who suffers from this it is hard to understand. So maybe us 'organisers' should have sympathy for those who struggle in this way?

I too have always been the arranger and whenever I've suggested someone else does the next one it's always been - no, your good and we know you enjoy it (?!?) so we'll let you carry on. Gradually realised that some are fairweather friends because I don't hear from them at all unless I make contact. One in particular just doesn't have it in her DNA to make the first move and is the same with everyone and openly admits it. I always forgive her but have let others go. Especially the one that wanted to reignite our past friendship but then spent all of our lunchtime meet up looking at her phone.

StripeyGran

A familiar theme. I had a very good friend, we practically lived in each others pockets. I stopped ringing and never heard from her again.
Another one after 30 years ghosted me.

I have developed a very different attitude to friendships now.

Same here. I totally agree.It gets worse you get older.

I decided after many years that l was only a trophy friend for some people Or as l got older that a few people only stayed in touch now and then because l had health problems and lived by myself.

I now really think that most friendships come with expiry dates.

Cambsnan I think we all have some friends like this. They’re curiously passive and can take or leave relationships seemingly. I guess we can only accept this and not expect too much from them. If you genuinely would like to see them, I would get in touch ..life’s too short to overthink it all imo.