When you suddenly realise you have no one to share a memory with

StripeyGran

The loss of a sibling is underestimated I think. They are the only person who knew that version of you.

I couldn't agree more. Much is made of the grief of parents, spouses. children, but siblings get relegated to the back row.

I am one of three sisters, and when my younger sister died, I can remember saying to my surviving sister that I felt like a three leg and did not begrudge them a second of people's concerns, but my sister and I felt that we were made to feel very much as if we had seats in the back row.

Toetoe

Sometimes I have this thought to ring my mum and tell her some news , just for a fraction of a second , then I remember she died 27 years ago .

Yesterday I downloaded Escape to the country, as it was set on the Isle of Man. We used to go there on family holidays and my younger brother went every year on his own quite frequently. I picked up my phone to tell him and remembered he was no longer with us and hadn't been for 5 years. The realisation hit me very hard and I just burst into tears. It's just little things that you can no longer share and forgotten memories that just come bubbling to the surface. Thankfully lots of the memories are funny ones and I can share them with my family now.

The loss of a sibling is underestimated I think. They are the only person who knew that version of you.

My sister has recently died my only sibling and I feel so alone. There is no one else to talk about our childhood with or older relatives who have died, its all just on me now. There was 4yrs between us but we were close and had many wonderful times together, years ago it was 21st birthday party invites then wedding ones now its funerals--- a sign of getting older. Bless us all.

I married in 1968 and called my parents in law by their first names.

This thread has made me realise that the only person who can share memories of long ago is my sister. All others are no longer here.

I have felt that sadness MOnica it dawned on me a few times in recent years as the youngest of six siblings that memories will reside in my head alone. If there is no one else around who remembers “things” ..did it really happen? 🥲

I’m an only child, my father died when I was 26, my mother before I was 40. I never saw much of my cousins when I was growing up and am only very loosely in touch with a couple of them nowadays. So I haven’t really had anyone, other than a few old friends and my dhto share memories with for a long time now. I’ve always felt that lack of family keenly, that’s why I had so many children of my own!

Chardy

Allira

M0nica

I think the loss of one's personal name is so dehumanising.

I can remember my grandmother looking at a death announcement and saying, sadly, 'He is the last person I rmemebe calling me Constance'.

She had 11 children so everyone called her 'mother', even her husband, plus, of course, she was 'grandma', and in those days (1950s/60s) you did not address another adult by their first name unless they were a close friend, so she was Mrs Smith to many people, but nobody any longer called her Constance.

I was about 14 or 15 at the time and I vowed to myself, that, I would never let that happen to me -except , of course, other times, other manners,now weveryone calls me M0nica, so it isn't a problem.

I do think that now younger people call us by our first names than in previous generations.

My SIL and DIL both call me by my first name whereas I called my MIL Mum.

I wasn't going to call my MiL Mum! In 1970s I called her by her first name

Well, my MIL asked me to.

Perhaps because she didn't have daughters?
Possibly I'm in an older age group than you therefore she was from a different era than your MIL?

Certainly, my DIL and SIL call me by my first name, as do all my DC's friends.

What a lot of sad stories. I feel for you all and share the dreadful feelings of loss now that both my sisters are gone (54 and 71 years old), my best school friend (60 yrs) my closest cousin (60yrs) and my lovely DH (69).

I still talk to their pictures but long for a reply which will never come.💔

Allira

M0nica

I think the loss of one's personal name is so dehumanising.

I can remember my grandmother looking at a death announcement and saying, sadly, 'He is the last person I rmemebe calling me Constance'.

She had 11 children so everyone called her 'mother', even her husband, plus, of course, she was 'grandma', and in those days (1950s/60s) you did not address another adult by their first name unless they were a close friend, so she was Mrs Smith to many people, but nobody any longer called her Constance.

I was about 14 or 15 at the time and I vowed to myself, that, I would never let that happen to me -except , of course, other times, other manners,now weveryone calls me M0nica, so it isn't a problem.

I do think that now younger people call us by our first names than in previous generations.

My SIL and DIL both call me by my first name whereas I called my MIL Mum.

I wasn't going to call my MiL Mum! In 1970s I called her by her first name

My Husband died 18 months ago. Now 52 years of memories can’t be shared and he isn’t here to share new experiences and make new memories!

Feeling this way too Op. I recently visited my oldest friend in her care home for her 80th birthday . She has Alzheimer’s and no longer recognizes anyone but it was a birthday I expected to share together after 70 years of friendship. We will take our secrets to our respective graves!
Loving the compassion and courtesy displayed on this forum compared to the increasingly aggressive input on Mumsnet - clearly a generational divide.

Lahlah65 Thank you for your comment and understanding

NotSpaghetti

What a true and moving post M0nica

Thank you.
I have this feeling sometimes too.

Yes, what a lovely post MOnica

My mother lost all of her younger sisters one by one, and my father went at 61, she was really often sad that she had nobody to share earlier memories with. We moved away from her home when we were small, so she had to explain where things were before she could explain. Lots of the area has been rebuilt too, so even my early memories of that area are gone. My grandparents home that raised 6 children is still standing, but incredibly this Fulham (premium area) home stands empty and decaying.

Lesley60

I know it’s not the same but my first husband of 21 years were together from the time I was a 14 year old school girl we grew up together and had three children, alas it came to an end and we both remarried long ago, we are friendly with each other and partners when we meet at family gatherings and I’m married to a truly wonderful husband but I miss the young silly memories of when we were teenagers, that I don’t have with my present husband.

This is a funny one isn’t it Lesley60? I have seen friends really struggling when ex-partners are very ill, or die too. Shared memories go with them. I am pleased you are able to have a good relationship with your ex. That’s a credit to you both and your respective partners.

I have felt this way since my parents died. As an only child, I have no one to remember childhood family memories.

I know it’s not the same but my first husband of 21 years were together from the time I was a 14 year old school girl we grew up together and had three children, alas it came to an end and we both remarried long ago, we are friendly with each other and partners when we meet at family gatherings and I’m married to a truly wonderful husband but I miss the young silly memories of when we were teenagers, that I don’t have with my present husband.

I know exactly what you mean. When I was 10 my parents moved house and I met two girls my age who lived a few doors away, we became firm friends and had some really good times growing up together which we used to talk about a lot. I was the oldest by a few months, the youngest of us didn’t make it to 70 and my other friend died four years ago at 77 so those memories of us growing up are just mine now. My oldest friend now is my husband, we met when I was 20.

The day after my husband died. We had shared memories that where ours. I can look at pictures and no idea when they where taken or when. As I do have blanks in my memory when my health got worse in 1988. It was things we did in our courting days .

Plus I have memories that I don't tell anyone as the only one I could tell is dead . Things that I don't want people to know what happened to me because they would think about the person differently . Can't stop protecting my children and brother.

I totally understand how you feel. This void affects me too. I’m an only child and also without cousins. My parents died several years ago and I often think about my mum and dad and have no one to reminisce with about my childhood years which makes me very sad. My only child has an only child and I also feel very sad that they too will find themselves in the same situation along the line. Being an only child didn’t feel like an issue when I was a child as I had a very happy childhood, but the loneliness hits me in my later years. Make the most of your loved ones whilst you can.

I'm only 62, and already all my old pals are gone, and some were younger than I, also one has had early onset-dementia from about 42 so can no longer remember the scrapes we got into/out of, or the double dates we went on or the bad fashions we wore, all things which made up our friendship from pre- marriage/baby days- i feel so sad theres no one to remember but me.Even one friend who married late(badly) & has since moved away i can no longer share things with as we lost touch.

Yes, I feel this way about my sister, my only sibling. She passed away 2 years ago with an aggressive brain tumour. We often used to reminisce about our childhood, grandparents etc.

My sister died suddenly in April, there are so many times we shared our memories together and had a giggle. There is such a gap in my life now and no one to share these memories with. Time is a great healer I know but it makes me very sad.