When you suddenly realise you have no one to share a memory with

Over the years I've had several of my closest friends die and although I've made new friends we don't share the memories from the past that I had with friends who are no longer here. It's sad but I'm still here wondering why I've lived and they didn't. I was just about to go into the cathedral in Málaga when my phone rang and I was told that a much younger friend had died. I was so shocked and sad but at least a mutual friend messaged me and we were able to share our sadness. I am not religious but being in the cathedral was very comforting.

Oh yes- and its not only bereavement although it came to me with a vengeance when I remembered the precious month DH and I had with our first baby before his death at 24 days - but now I have nobody to share those bittersweet memories.
But also when my sister was diagnosed with Alzheimers a few years before her death last year- nobody to share anecdotes of our childhood or memories of our parents.

Many days I think of something I'd like to share with my dearest friend; she was kind and helpful and always had sensible advice to offer. The best thing was that I knew I could trust her implicitly and anything I told her would go no further.
Sadly, she died far too young about 10 years ago now.

Other friends are good but not as close and, particularly with one, not to be trusted with a confidence.

I do have another lovely, dear friend from schooldays but we live a long way apart. However, we're still in touch and we did have a reminisce about when we were young the other week 🙂

This resonates with me. My best friend died three years ago. We were friends for nearly 60 years and shared so many memories. She was the first person I contacted when I wanted advice - and it was always good. We sent each other messages every day. There's no-one now who I can message about daft things we did. It would have been her birthday today.

I know exactly what you mean and how you feel M0nica 😿

What a true and moving post M0nica

Thank you.
I have this feeling sometimes too.

I am lucky to still have a number of friends that I have known for 50 years or more although a few are gone .
When my brother died last Christmas it suddenly occurred to me that there was nobody left that had known me all my life. Those early years as children are now only in my memory.

ginny

I am lucky to still have a number of friends that I have known for 50 years or more although a few are gone .
When my brother died last Christmas it suddenly occurred to me that there was nobody left that had known me all my life. Those early years as children are now only in my memory.

I understand how you feel. My younger sister died in a road accident when she was in her mid-40s. My youngest sister is 7 years my junior and circumstances meant, we two older girls were often off doing things on our own, including boarding school, without her, so so many of my childhood memories are exclusive to me and my sister closest in age.

Fortunately, I still have my oldest friend. We met at boarding school when she was 12 and I was 13. The friendship has waxed and waned over the years as our adult lives have followed very different trajectories, but never been broken and since we both retired we have grown close again.

RosieandherMaw

Oh yes- and its not only bereavement although it came to me with a vengeance when I remembered the precious month DH and I had with our first baby before his death at 24 days - but now I have nobody to share those bittersweet memories.
But also when my sister was diagnosed with Alzheimers a few years before her death last year- nobody to share anecdotes of our childhood or memories of our parents.

RosiesndherMaw 💐

I also feel the same regarding my older sister, who has dementia. Our parents both died when we were young, and my sister was my rock and my stability through that dreadful time. Sadly, she now has no memory of this.

I have only recently been talking about this with my oldest friend. We have been friends since we were eleven. Originally there were five of us. The first one died 15 years ago and another died six years ago, just after my husband. Now the third one has been operated on for a brain tumour and has no idea what the future will hold. We are realising now that there is no one else who will share our memories and it does make the future look a bit bleak.

I can totally relate to that, M0nica. As an only child, now that my parents are both gone, I really have no-one to share early memories with - we didn't come from a big family of cousins or anything like that. I was looking into our family tree and some questions arose, and it was then it suddenly struck me that there was no-one I could ask about the family links.

It's the downside of getting older. There are more people to miss. Eventually if you live long enough there will be nobody who remembers the old days.

My lovely stepfather is 93. He told me the other day “so and so has died. There used to be 3 full bowling teams of us and now out of everyone there’s only D….. and myself left”.

Oh dear FGT2 😥
I know how he feels

It's when the funeral orders of service begin to pile up in the bureau that you realise just how many friends you've lost.

ViceVersa

I can totally relate to that, M0nica. As an only child, now that my parents are both gone, I really have no-one to share early memories with - we didn't come from a big family of cousins or anything like that. I was looking into our family tree and some questions arose, and it was then it suddenly struck me that there was no-one I could ask about the family links.

My lovely cousin, who was older than me, was the fount of knowledge about our family history but, sadly, she died six years ago. There's no-one I can ask now.

My last family member on my Dad's side, a dearly loved cousin, died almost a year ago. We spent hours chatting about our family memories. I miss her so much and feel as if a part of me went along with her as I am now the sole survivor.

I am lucky to still have my oldest friend , who I have had for now 78 years. We dont live near to each other but keep in touch and she is probably the only person alive who remembers my family and in particular my beloved Granny as I remember her dad. There are so many short cuts that we can have in conversation as we both know so much about each other. I am very grateful for that. Also have other friends I have known for many years, and recently I have made a new friend who is the same age as me. It has been so lovely talking to someone whose face doesnt go blank when I speak of something or a programme from years ago. It definitely adds to the pleasure of their company . I do think that it is really worth while to have just a simple journal, where you might write down anecdotes from the family, special occasions, memories of parents aunts and grandparents that might seem very simple, such as who always made the christmas cake, or when did your family first get a tv or whatever. Just every day things about peoples jobs and what they were good at, doesnt sound much , but oh what a treasure trove for the younger members of the families when older members are no longer there to ask. Also, I still have many photographs, not online, and our family have always written on the backs of them, the occasion and who is shown in the picture. In those days long gone, you could have a two pictures which looked more or less the same, as you didnt get a lot of new clothes, so that "clothes for Best, were carefully looked after and you could be seen on the summer holiday or the christmas get together , all looking pretty much the same but then it could be 2 or 3 years apart. Putting peoples names and the year on the back saves a lot of wondering who the mystery man in the corner is and what year it is. Should family in the future want to do a family tree these photos and things would be very helpful.

Yes, I feel this way about my late brother with whom I was very close in age- we were even in the same class at primary school sometimes.

Even though I am lucky to still have friends and other siblings I can't have the same conversations with them that I had with him, particularly about music and politics.

It is getting easier, but he will always be missed more than I can say... his jokes were dreadful, but I'd give anything to hear one of them again.

I still have quite a few cousins on both my late parents' sides but they are just not my kind of people. On my dad's side they are all very self entitled and superior and on my mother's side very materialistic showing off and boasting. I am an introvert and only get on with similar folk. I have one cousin who I get on really well with but she is a second cousin but are like sisters. We think the same way. I write things down in a journal and read them at the year end. It is a way of completing the circle.

Sometimes I have this thought to ring my mum and tell her some news , just for a fraction of a second , then I remember she died 27 years ago .

Toetoe

Sometimes I have this thought to ring my mum and tell her some news , just for a fraction of a second , then I remember she died 27 years ago .

Yes, I understand. I'm not really a fan of the so called Stages of Grief model but sometimes after all these years, I experience denial.
I think they are still there.

What an interesting thread in response to your reflections MOnica. Like others in our age group, I have lost close friends and I’m aware this will increase as we all grow older. I’m fortunate to have some close friends of forty years, with many shared memories.
Rosiesmaw missing her dearest R, the one who really shared the loss of their baby resonated with me. Not the death of a baby but a truly awful event that only mr I lived through and its continued aftermath, with me.
The autumn is nudging me to remember I’m in the autumn of my life and need to remain in colour (not black and white )

Iam64

What an interesting thread in response to your reflections MOnica. Like others in our age group, I have lost close friends and I’m aware this will increase as we all grow older. I’m fortunate to have some close friends of forty years, with many shared memories.
Rosiesmaw missing her dearest R, the one who really shared the loss of their baby resonated with me. Not the death of a baby but a truly awful event that only mr I lived through and its continued aftermath, with me.
The autumn is nudging me to remember I’m in the autumn of my life and need to remain in colour (not black and white )

What led to the thread was my surprise that the death of this particular person has hit so deeply.

She was one of those we describe as a 'life enhancer'. The moment she came into a gathering it started sparkling. This is why I wrote of remembering her laughing face and whoops of laughter. Some people have this special something that meant their presence in the room lightens your heart, and it is so difficult to believe it has gone

I have lost other friends and had that, 'Oh, I wish I could share it with ....' moment and I have still, thank heavens, my best friend from school, who may be a characater, she always was, but she is not quite the life enhancer in the way Jenny was and I was so taken aback by the strength of my immediate response, that just for a fraction of a second I forgot she had died.