Taking offense.

I once told somebody that "We obviously don't share the same values." We were discussing the re-introduction of the death penalty. I meant it as a statement of fact not a put down but I was then hit with the "In order to insult me. I must first value your opinion." thing which, in this context, I found insulting.

I agree Magenta it was inappropriate.

All of us at sometime or another make casual remarks, without thinking that hurt or upset an individual. What you need to ask yourself is was this said deliberately to offend or whether it was something said that could have two interpretations.

My sister got married a fortnight after our mother died. My father insisted ithe wedding went ahead. It was anyway a small family affair.

I noticed at the wedding receeption that my sister was wearing our mother's engagement ring, I was wearing the engagement ring of my mother's sister, my godmother, of whom I was fond, who had died only a few months previously.

I made some comment on the ring, and us each having one ofthe engagement rings and my sister quite casually, well'She (meaning my aunt) always meant more to you.' I stepped back in horror was my sister suggesting that my aunt meant more to me than my mother? Then I thought about it and realised that what she had meant is that my aunt meant more to me than she did to my sister, who never really liked her and did not see her much and with two valuable rings and two of us, it made sense for me to have my aunt's rings and my sister our mother's. I had my mother's eternity ring.

So often with odd remarks, it is our interpretation of them, that causes the offence to us, not what the person actaully said..

I could be wrong, but I think there are more workplace questionaire type things about peoples' mental health.
Which make people think about things in ways that wouldnt have happened 20 years ago.

Social media doesn't help either MOnica It's easy to take offence at someone's reply to you and then find that they meant something quite different. You miss so much of the nuances with the written word sometimes.

Deedaa

Social media doesn't help either MOnica It's easy to take offence at someone's reply to you and then find that they meant something quite different. You miss so much of the nuances with the written word sometimes.

Yes, Thathappens a lot on GN. One also sometimes reads what one has written before posting and nor realise how 'in your face' it is going to read to some on else coming to it cold.

GrannyGravy13

My problem is builders

I'm so sorry GrannyGravy13. Builders can cause a great deal of stress, especially if you're a lone female. Have just had problems with a cowboy builder myself.

Stress is so exhausting and I hope you can sort the problem out soon.

Tizliz

I know I am easily offended so keep off controversial subjects.

I am still hurt by someone's remark on GN well obviously you can't cook Can't remember the poster or the subject, but I can remember the hurt and it was a few years ago.

I don't respond as I don't like slanging matches but I can't help remembering even though many of you won't even think it insulting.

.... I also hate what I term controversy same thing? but yes, I would take issue at that,, I guess it depends what words were surrounding it,,, it may have been meant as a "joke" tactless? but best ignored.. but then I can brood on it!

oh so true MOnica! thanks

Those whom the Gods wish to destroy, they first send builders. You have my sympathy, GG13

In many ways, I think it is a good thing that people are expected to consider others before using phrases that can hurt. When I think about some of the things that were common parlance when I was young I shudder - you only have to catch an episode of a 70s sitcom to see what used to be acceptable. Sexism, racism, homophobia and ableism were rife, and it is better for everyone that most people have moved on from that.

Unfortunately, many of the attitudes were pushed underground, and those who still think like that now complain about 'wokeism', which has replaced 'political correctness gone mad' as a way of ridiculing those who care about the feelings of others. I hope the pendulum doesn't swing too far back.

But there is silly wokery going on still, that’s the trouble, from the 1970’s sort of anything goes to ridiculous PC gone mad ( yes Doodledog sorry but I am quoting your words back).
There has to be no awful racist or sexist actions or comments especially in the workplace but there is a middle way where a harmless remark or action isn’t going to cause WW3.

Oh yes and the dreadful ‘be kind!’

I do tend to think? feel? it is has become 'cool' to be hard? unthinking? self centred? lacking empathy? ditch family? Obviously my opinion. Anybody else get where I am coming from? The world is getting a sadder place I feel.

Oreo

But there is silly wokery going on still, that’s the trouble, from the 1970’s sort of anything goes to ridiculous PC gone mad ( yes Doodledog sorry but I am quoting your words back).
There has to be no awful racist or sexist actions or comments especially in the workplace but there is a middle way where a harmless remark or action isn’t going to cause WW3.

I don't think for a minute that you are sorry, but there we are .

As I said, my post was just what I think, which is the point of a discussion. I wouldn't dream of saying 'there is xyz' as that is exactly the sort of thing that can give offence. We are all entitled to think what we like, and to say so in a discussion, but when people start insisting that their view is the only (emboldened) view then offence is likely to be taken. Personally, I find it quite offensive when people say 'I'll tell you how it is' or 'end of' as that also assumes that they are the one with all the answers so nobody else need bother to have an opinion.

I don't think many people will expect WW3 to be caused by harmless remarks. In any case, stopping short of Armageddon is hardly a 'middle way', surely?

The problem, as I see it, is that what one person sees as a 'harmless remark' can make someone else feel terrible. We have seen examples of that on this thread. Stopping to think about whether generalisations or stereotyping (or body shaming/ableism/religious intolerance etc) will hurt people is not much to ask, IMO.

I agree that 'be kind' is used to mean more than on the surface. There is nothing wrong with kindness, but exhorting others to swallow their own opinions is not kindness. It is a phrase most often used to shut up women who don't toe the line and stay passive. I'm not sure that it has much to do with offensive speech though.

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I agree that life is too short to get het up about stuff. Let go and have a blooming good laugh.

Just because you are offended doesn't mean you are right. I don't really worry if I offend someone, I worry if I hurt someone but I think that's different.

Galaxy

Just because you are offended doesn't mean you are right. I don't really worry if I offend someone, I worry if I hurt someone but I think that's different.

It is very different. I would also say that nobody can tell anyone else what they should be offended by, as we all have different tolerances and different experiences.

There is still no harm in considering whether some casual remark will cause others pain though. Choosing a different word is a small thing to anyone with a half decent vocabulary, and IMO it says a lot about someone if they can't make that tiny effort rather than risk upsetting someone else.

I completely agree and get tired of tiptoeing around people to avoid offence. However this afternoon I have been on the receiving end and deeply offended by a younger member of staff who didn’t bother to spare my feelings whilst suggesting that my work programme could be replaced with a few easy AI prompts. When I said that would leave me with very little work to do then her retort was “you can retire then”. I feel lost and surplus to requirements. AI is going to revolutionise the workplace and replace the skills I’ve gained over the last 40 years in a nano second.

I worry about little about self censorship though, I am not sure it helps people to fully explore ideas. And if people are exploring difficult ideas they may offend someone or get something wrong.

Kayteetayl - I am so sorry you had that experience at work. Both painful and worrying. I hope your employer realises the gifts your experience and skills bring. These cannot be replaced by a computer and must have been of real benefit to the organisation you have served for so long.

I don't take offence unless I am pretty sure a comment was meant to be offensive and even then I usually ignore it on the basis that there are a lot of stupid and ignorant people around, the offender is probably one of them and also,

"Sticks and stones can break my bones but words should never hurt me."

Notice that I say "should never", not "can never", because obviously sometimes they can cause great hurt - even from an idiotic ignoramus.

ViceVersa

I do think these days there are some people who go out of their way to be 'offended'.

My feelings exactly!

orly

ViceVersa

I do think these days there are some people who go out of their way to be 'offended'.

My feelings exactly!

Especially if there is money involved somewhere!