How to be supportive when someone is gloomy...

If she can afford it, CanadianGran, and is nit too actually ill with depression, it sees to be to be a situation. where actual psychotherapy is useful. That unpicks the past and opens up alternative perspectives. It gives her a chance to see the past differently. And travel towards understanding not blame.

There isnt a lot of point - it's not going to change her mind and it can be quite tough to hear in effect "you should be more like me" "pull themselves together and see x,y,z." Her mind isnt open to it. It may be there are some elements of truth in what she says - not the whole shebang, of course, but relative positions in family life can actually had a very profound effect. her experience simply wont be the same as yours.

they would, if they could

Sorry for spelling,
first sentence should read

"If she can afford it, CanadianGran, and is not too actually ill with depression, it seems to be to be a situation. where actual psychotherapy is useful.

In the meantime you ask how to be supportive. Its probably listening, which is really powerful from you, her sis, and saying you know thats how she sees it, it just isn't the way you have experienced things..you feel sad she is so unhappy, would she consider getting help for it?

Wyllow is right. Your instinct is to "fix" it for her, but you can't. You are too close. She needs therapy to move her past where she is "stuck".

You have my sympathy, I have a family member like this. I've given so.much thought and time trying to fix things. It's like trying to blow out a lightbulb...

I can empathise- I have family and friends like this too. I wouldn't suggest therapy- one would reject it outright and another would say tried and didn't work.

I think all you can do is steer yourself for the same old same old and listen...

Just make sure it is balnced out by being with people who raise you up and let allow your sister to get you down.

Not easy I know.

When your sister is feeling gloomy, the last thing to do is try and to cheer her up. On the other side, do not agree with her and add to her woes. Just let her talk and make suitable soothing noises and non directive comments. Trying to cheer her up will only make her feel worse.

In slightly different circumstances I have a DD, who gets really het up now and again and rants. I have learnt to just listen and make soothing noises until she begins to run down and then gently introduce some other topic and make a cup of tea. That might work for you as well.

Deflect all discussion of your childhood. Each child in a family has a a very different experience of childhood, even when they come from a happy cohesive family and are close in age.

“Yesterday I called her, and the anniversary of her husband's death is this week and she was feeling very low.”

Understandable I’d say, and though she may be upbeat at other times I think your sister should be given a bit of latitude right now if feeling down. Difficult to deal with I know but just try ti be there for her and this too will pass.

I have always discussed our childhood with one of my sisters. Dad died suddenly when I was 19 and my sis was 14 and ny number went into mental hospital. We have both needed to unpick what happened and the very different stations we had found ourselves in when it happened, as basically at that point the "known family" just totally fell apart, as there were no other relatives to get invovled, (except for Nan, who made things worse, but that a another story)

and also traced together further back into what made our family what it was. Its helped us both over the years.

But we could never discuss it with my other sister, now deceased. For her, nothing my parents did or didnt do could possibly ever be wrong in any way.....

(correction, sorry) My mum went into mental hospital.

Stop worrying about it; you won't change your sister: she is a drain, you are a radiator.
Carry on visiting, listen to her but don't attempt to present a positive view as she won't cheer; have a cup of tea, tell her your news then leave, and Do Not Feel Guilty.

Send some flowers and back away just slightly. It’s a difficult situation

It's really hard to support a thoroughly negative person .
It's like having all the life sucked out of you .
I did it for over 30 years
I was consistently showering the person with praise and attention.
I received nothing ,but aggression .
Now it's happened with a family member .

There's a lady that I know .
I see her weekly in the cafe that I use after shopping .
She's taken on the responsibility of caring for her very sick and demanding elderly parents and running her daughter's home .
I've met the daughter .
She is so self engrossed and could afford to pay a cleaning lady rather than rely on her totally exhausted mother.

This lady talks about her burden with the family all the time.
There is no joy in her life .

All my friends and I have tried to advise her to back off from the responsibility of running her daughter's home .
And maybe have a day or two off every week .

You can only take so much .

Thank you for all your kind suggestions. I usually call her on Sundays, so will hope for the best next week, and try to keep the conversation away from the past. I love her, but she’s hard work at times.

I’ll also talk to my younger sister who lives close to her to try to pop over sometime soon.

I agree with your first paragraph Esmay.
A friend sucked the joy out of me this time last year and it took a good while for me to get over it.
Without sharing my own thoughts someone else told me that the mutual friend depressed them and if they thought she was likely to visit on a certain day they would go out.

I feel your sister is looking back on regrets, past upsets, times of feeling low and depressed? It is when we are feeling low we look back and focus on our mistakes, past upsets etc. as the saying goes, it is easy to be happy when we re happy, but very hard to be happy when we are unhappy. Support her and hopefully she will be back to feeling more positive.

I have suffered from bouts of stress and depression since I was a teenager and could be in a very low mood for days on end in my twenties. It's nowhere near as bad, but the last month, I've become very stressed with work and yesterday totally lost it at home for a couple of hours.
The reason was pretty trivial: my brother switched on the draw for the World Cup and as I don't like football at all, I started going on about the players being overpaid tax dodgers and the fans being morons. Pretty stupid, but a stressful week at work must have triggered something as I really lost it.
Anyone have any ideas as until last month, I've been quite chilled and had a good year?

M0nica

When your sister is feeling gloomy, the last thing to do is try and to cheer her up. On the other side, do not agree with her and add to her woes. Just let her talk and make suitable soothing noises and non directive comments. Trying to cheer her up will only make her feel worse.

In slightly different circumstances I have a DD, who gets really het up now and again and rants. I have learnt to just listen and make soothing noises until she begins to run down and then gently introduce some other topic and make a cup of tea. That might work for you as well.

Deflect all discussion of your childhood. Each child in a family has a a very different experience of childhood, even when they come from a happy cohesive family and are close in age.

Good advice😃

Cumbrianmale56

I have suffered from bouts of stress and depression since I was a teenager and could be in a very low mood for days on end in my twenties. It's nowhere near as bad, but the last month, I've become very stressed with work and yesterday totally lost it at home for a couple of hours.
The reason was pretty trivial: my brother switched on the draw for the World Cup and as I don't like football at all, I started going on about the players being overpaid tax dodgers and the fans being morons. Pretty stupid, but a stressful week at work must have triggered something as I really lost it.
Anyone have any ideas as until last month, I've been quite chilled and had a good year?

Make sure you get more sleep.Honestly it’s a game changer when stressed.

Beechnut

I agree with your first paragraph Esmay.
A friend sucked the joy out of me this time last year and it took a good while for me to get over it.
Without sharing my own thoughts someone else told me that the mutual friend depressed them and if they thought she was likely to visit on a certain day they would go out.

There are some very draining people aren’t there? Emotional vampires. You can only do all you can to avoid them or they bring you down as well.

CanadianGran

Thank you for all your kind suggestions. I usually call her on Sundays, so will hope for the best next week, and try to keep the conversation away from the past. I love her, but she’s hard work at times.

I’ll also talk to my younger sister who lives close to her to try to pop over sometime soon.

All the best, as if you are really fond of her it would be a shame to call it a day - keep on trying? Just try listening mm hmm, ah ha...till it runs out and then talk about general things. Put a wee bit of armour over your mind when listening - you cant love it, dont try x

correction - "Can't mend it, don't try"

I have a friend who has low moods.
It’s not easy being her friend to be honest. Many have bailed.

She’s high maintenance.

Oreo

Cumbrianmale56

I have suffered from bouts of stress and depression since I was a teenager and could be in a very low mood for days on end in my twenties. It's nowhere near as bad, but the last month, I've become very stressed with work and yesterday totally lost it at home for a couple of hours.
The reason was pretty trivial: my brother switched on the draw for the World Cup and as I don't like football at all, I started going on about the players being overpaid tax dodgers and the fans being morons. Pretty stupid, but a stressful week at work must have triggered something as I really lost it.
Anyone have any ideas as until last month, I've been quite chilled and had a good year?

Make sure you get more sleep.Honestly it’s a game changer when stressed.

Thankyou, I haven't slept that much recently that hasn't helped.

took my sis and made her have snowball fight
first times she smiled and giggled in 3 months