“Because the problem is the gravy”

Such a sad thread. I'm not widowed but found even the three weeks that my husband was in hospital very lonely especially when I was imagining the worst. I know it will happen one day. I sometimes wake in the early hours thinking about it with dread which is ridiculous I know.
My thoughts go out to those of you who are on your own, particularly those for whom this is the first Christmas without your husband.

For me, the thing that broke me was sweetcorn.

I don’t like it, but my husband (who died two years ago) loved it.

I was cleaning out the freezer and found last year’s crop, lovingly grown by me, for him.

It sounds so silly but it just broke me, realising that I’d never grow it for him again and he’d never be here to eat it again.

It is the smallest, strangest things that make the grief manifest and bring you to your knees.

Much love to your neighbour @millymouge

I still shout out loud the answers to questions on The Chase, University Challenge etc. To an empty room.

I still expect my late husband to look astonished/proud/dismissive/ . . . whatever . . . as I show off my knowledge or ignorance in an overly excitable manner.

He died eleven years ago.

That’s not going to bring him back.
It’s not about gravy or amounts but triggers

Freeze one!

It took me a long time to correctly adjust the amount I cooked to just enough for me when my children left home. Although there is five years between them, they both took off for Uni at the same time, so there was no gradual decrease.

Gosh, the title of this thread has to be the first line of a poem about widowhood. It says so much about the experience of loss. It speaks to me.

I cannot listen to Bach or Mozart choral music as my DH was a bass/chairman in choral societies and loved it so much,
It’s a bit tricky to avoid as I’m a musician!

This is the first year I have entertained Christmas decorations but still not the tree. Husband madecto mant decorations big and small tgat tge thought of bringing them all out and him not being here was just too much. Cooking for one is a chore at times, usually making enough for two and freezing a portion, which I suppose can be an advantage. I do at times remind myself that I lived alone at Uni but it's the having had someone and then not that's the difference.

Peaseblossom

I still shed tears regularly, because my beautiful son died of cancer aged 6 in 1980 and I have never got over it. The pain of seeing things he liked and seeing mums collecting their children from the school he went to at the time was hell. I had to avoid going out at certain times. Shopping and seeing things he used to enjoy eating, etc., one less place setting at the table. It never goes away and times like his birthday, anniversary and Christmas are especially difficult. His sister was 21 months when he passed and youngest sister not born until 1986. He would have been almost 52 now. I wonder if I would have had grandchildren, even great grandchildren by now. I often look at men of the age he would have been and wonder what he would have been like. He was a lovely affectionate boy with blonde hair and blue eyes and we were very close. I have a granddaughter and grandson, but my younger daughter has chosen not to have any children. So having had three children, I could have had quite a few grandchildren and great grandchildren by now. I nearly only had one grandchild, because my daughter went through early menopause and IVF didn't work, but my younger daughter did a wonderful thing and donated her eggs and now my grandson is 4 years old, and his sister is 11. I am so grateful for them.

Such a sad story but with such a lovely ending. Your DD truly did a wonderful thing.

I still shed tears regularly, because my beautiful son died of cancer aged 6 in 1980 and I have never got over it. The pain of seeing things he liked and seeing mums collecting their children from the school he went to at the time was hell. I had to avoid going out at certain times. Shopping and seeing things he used to enjoy eating, etc., one less place setting at the table. It never goes away and times like his birthday, anniversary and Christmas are especially difficult. His sister was 21 months when he passed and youngest sister not born until 1986. He would have been almost 52 now. I wonder if I would have had grandchildren, even great grandchildren by now. I often look at men of the age he would have been and wonder what he would have been like. He was a lovely affectionate boy with blonde hair and blue eyes and we were very close. I have a granddaughter and grandson, but my younger daughter has chosen not to have any children. So having had three children, I could have had quite a few grandchildren and great grandchildren by now. I nearly only had one grandchild, because my daughter went through early menopause and IVF didn't work, but my younger daughter did a wonderful thing and donated her eggs and now my grandson is 4 years old, and his sister is 11. I am so grateful for them.

For the last couple of years of his life, my H slept in our dining room.
We brought a bed down for him after he had a major stroke.
He already had Alzheimer’s.
After he died I could not eat in that room, all I could see was his bed, long since moved of course.
It became a spare room , a depository for all sorts of stuff.
Last year I turned it into a snug for me, everything is new, and I love it.
The ghosts have been laid to rest.
We now eat in the conservatory with all new dining furniture.

My husband died 32 years ago and was rarely around for meals, being a self employed builder who would drop everything for his customers...I had to cook for our 3 children obviously...the eldest has been back living with me for several years and we don't always eat together. I do suffer nutritionally as I cook less and less.Im still working at 76 and just get too tired.
On a brighter note, I have long time partner who I see a few times a month, he likes cooking and looks after me.
I still miss my husband and I'm so sad we lost him so young, so much has happened since I would have loved to have shared.

After my husband died, the saddest thing for me was the single place setting at the kitchen table, and still is to this day, over six years later, I still shed a tear many evenings! I freeze all my surplus gravy. Xx

It’s definitely not about the gravy. The gravy is the culmination of everything about widowhood. I mourned with her.

AuntieE

I spent the entire first year after my husband's death unable to bear sitting in the sitting-room in the evening. During the day, I was all right. In the evening, all I could see was his empty sofa.

And of course, I could not bear to get rid of that sofa!

Now - three years on, I can sit in the sitting-room in the evening, but still prefer not to.

But only last week, I nearly burst into tears in the street, when I passed the shoe-shop that sells some quite expensive boots of the type DH loved. The year before he died, he really needed a new pair, and I suggested that he should buy them for his next birthday. When that came, we both knew how ill he was and that he would never wear those boots, so they stayed in the shop, by mutual consent unmentioned.

But if I remember, next time I am in Flensburg, I will cross the road rather than pass that shop!

It is definitely the little things that hit the hardest!

My mother couldn't bear to go out. I was encouraging her to come somewhere with me, she said she'd love to but she couldn't go out because she knew she'd have to go back to their home alone. A few years later, when she felt up to it, she moved and it made a big difference to her.

V3ra

^And yes I did find myself accidentally in the men’s department of M&S, and was overcome weeping over the underpants, because I would never be buying anything of that kind again.^

Lathyrus3 could you buy some men's underwear and donate it to the Salvation Army in memory of your husband?

(Sorry if that's not an appropriate suggestion, no offence meant).

That's a lovely idea.

Rosiesndhermaw. Widowhood does vary. My mother was broken hearted, my exMIL had a new lease of life when the bully who controlled her life died. She had her first foreign holiday, weekends away with her daughter's, she could shop without fear of his reaction if he thought she spent too much. Two versions of widowhood and I'm sure there are more.

To be fair I don't think she worried about the gravy.

None taken. 🙂

Good idea. Il make it a cash donation though I think🙂

And yes I did find myself accidentally in the men’s department of M&S, and was overcome weeping over the underpants, because I would never be buying anything of that kind again.

Lathyrus3 could you buy some men's underwear and donate it to the Salvation Army in memory of your husband?

(Sorry if that's not an appropriate suggestion, no offence meant).

I spent the entire first year after my husband's death unable to bear sitting in the sitting-room in the evening. During the day, I was all right. In the evening, all I could see was his empty sofa.

And of course, I could not bear to get rid of that sofa!

Now - three years on, I can sit in the sitting-room in the evening, but still prefer not to.

But only last week, I nearly burst into tears in the street, when I passed the shoe-shop that sells some quite expensive boots of the type DH loved. The year before he died, he really needed a new pair, and I suggested that he should buy them for his next birthday. When that came, we both knew how ill he was and that he would never wear those boots, so they stayed in the shop, by mutual consent unmentioned.

But if I remember, next time I am in Flensburg, I will cross the road rather than pass that shop!

It is definitely the little things that hit the hardest!

Oreo

I don’t get how posters have missed the point of this discussion.
It’s all about how silly things such as gravy can trigger a wave of grieving all over again.
It could have been anything, cutting the first rose of Summer, the memory of laughing at the dog doing its begging for food pose and so on.
A bereaved friend told me, that you just begin to think you can cope and you see or hear something that floors you.

Exactly!!!

theworriedwell

I was once sitting in a coffee shop. The next table was ladies of 70ish. They spent ages commiserating with a lady who seemed to be recently widowed. She obviously got tired of it and said, "there are positives.". Her friends looked horrified and she said, "if I don't feel like cooking I have a boiled egg.". Silence and then A new topic of conversation.

I did like her style

😁😁

I cannot eat cheese, it makes me ill, but my husband loved all sorts and at this time of year, I would find him something special, usually stilton or some very smelly blue cheese. So I have learnt for the rest of year to ignore the cheese counter, yet yesterday I still turned to look at the special christmas selection, and had to swallow quickly and go elsewhere, as the wave of missing him seemed to overwhelm me yet again and I was caught by surprise. But later felt glad that he was still in my thoughts and remembered many lovely times we shared.

Are apologies necessary?
🤔