Your funeral

Dear me, keepingquiet I had no idea extent of peoples love for one another could be judged by the extent to which they created a public display.

That’s pretty much rubbished all my relationships I’m afraid.

I don't agree. Knowing lots of people is not something you will find in the very elderly. I have been to many funerals where the deceased have few mourners, simply because most of those people have already gone.
That doesn't mean that they haven't touched the lives of grandchildren, carers etc, in some way.
I don't know how many people have seen the film 'Still Life' with Eddie Marsan. I saw it a few years ago and have never forgotten it, it made a deep impression on me.

I think funerals are really for those who know a reasonable number of people:
* people with largish families and a circle of friends who are able to attend.
* people who have been involved in community activities or a job which involves a relationship with work colleagues.

Pure Cremations or similar are more suitable for:
* people with small families ( just a couple of children and grandchildren) and possibly no cousins or siblings.
* people whose friends are either elderly or live far away and would not be able to attend a funeral.

So there are circumstances which suggest which is more suitable. Without a funeral the family can still celebrate the life of the person in any way they wish. They can have a little ceremony with the ashes and then go for a meal, or even go on holiday! It doesn't involve coffins, flowers, cars, celebrants, but is a personal get together in memory of the deceased.

I am intending on planning my funeral down to the last detail. One of 2 things will happen:

A. I won't get around to it and that will be the story of my life.
B. I will get around to it and my family will be proved right, I have to have the last word!

I am not worrying about my funeral and who will attend because I won't be there. I am more concerned that within my Eulogy, my children and husband know just how much I loved them along with how they made my life complete, particularly my daughter who I have a more difficult relationship with.

Homestead62

The funeral is really for those left behind. I will be having a funeral as it gives people a chance to say goodbye. As it is the rate my family and friends are going, it will not be a large funeral. Regarding Direct Cremations I think somebody here once asked' How much did you value your life'? It made me think. One other thing, beware of paying your funeral ' up front'. The funeral/ burial industry is not regulated in this country. Last year there was a huge scandal in West of Scotland I think, regarding families who paid into policies for years, thinking their loved ones funerals were paid. One lady thought her Mum's funeral was all paid for, it wasn't.

You raise some good points here.
There was also the scandal of the funeral directors in Hull.
It caused so much distress for those who really did care what happened to their loved one's remains.
A society that does not honour its dead will cease to honour the living also...

Nanny27

Planning my lovely mum’s funeral was an act of love for my sister and me. We chose the music she had loved and lots of us shared wonderful memories of her life. It was ours to do and we did it with love.

Thankyou Nanny- I agree completely.
Recently my brother's widow went to speak to someone who had known my brother.
He turned out not to be a nice person, and started criticising the funeral saying it had been too fussy and unnecessary and that 'most' people now have straight forward no fuss cremations without any music.
It was a very offensive remark to make (I sense out of some envy maybe?) and we both replied that the funeral was exactly what he would have wanted, and that we did it for him.
Some people don't seem to understand that it is a final act of love.
Maybe some people just don't love themselves or others, enough,

RillaofIngleside

I really dislike direct cremations, I feel family and friends are not given the chance to grieve properly.
I spent a lot of time and thought preparing my mum's and dad's memorial services. . They died during COVID and we couldn't have the funerals we planned, which was very distressing. The services were gift to them, the last thing I could do for them to honour their memories and show how much I loved them. Even now I feel that I did everything I could, it is a comfort to me.
Maybe people are taking that opportunity away from their children by arranging these plain and direct cremations.

Oh I quite agree Rilla. This is exactly how I feel having been unable to attend a Covid funeral. The impact on my family has been profound.
Compare that to my late brother's requiem- the church full to bursting, the wake going on well into the early hours...of course it helped us come together to mourn someone who had an impact on many people's lives.
A sad but equally joyous celebration of community coming together to honour a life well lived.

The funeral is really for those left behind. I will be having a funeral as it gives people a chance to say goodbye. As it is the rate my family and friends are going, it will not be a large funeral. Regarding Direct Cremations I think somebody here once asked' How much did you value your life'? It made me think. One other thing, beware of paying your funeral ' up front'. The funeral/ burial industry is not regulated in this country. Last year there was a huge scandal in West of Scotland I think, regarding families who paid into policies for years, thinking their loved ones funerals were paid. One lady thought her Mum's funeral was all paid for, it wasn't.

Google tells us where we can scatter ashes:

Where to scatter ashes

Well I think donating your body to science is a very good idea. Especially so for myself. I live on my own and don’t have any family to speak of now, and no Executor. I feel that unless I’ve been ill for a long time that I could just fizzle out without anyone knowing! Therefore I’m not planning a Funeral of any sort. I really don’t care if I’m put into a black plastic bag and disposed of. No Will, either.

Planning my lovely mum’s funeral was an act of love for my sister and me. We chose the music she had loved and lots of us shared wonderful memories of her life. It was ours to do and we did it with love.

Music and Swaledale have been important to me , and are woven throughout my life. I arranged my husbands funeral in a church in the dale, where every piece of music and poetry meant something special, especially singing "Will your anchor hold "as we sailed and have been in a force 11 gale and were lucky to survive. Whilst it was so very very sad for me, and many of his friends the music was very comforting and members of 3 choirs and family all sang very well and Bach as ever gave me some solace. The cremation was the simplest arrangement and I will go the same way.

Before the cremation I arranged for the hearse to be taken up to our very special place, where the driver and director walked away to allow me my very special goodbye to my husband. Later I scattered his ashes there, and my son knows that I wish to have my ashes scattered there too. I have gone to Swaledale with whatever happens, good or bad throughout my life. It is comforting to me and I still go up to our place and think of my husband and what he would say about whatever problems I am trying to sort out.

By now I think I have planted a little wood, as another thing I have chosen to do is to put a tree in with the woodland trust, for all sorts of occasions in our family. I dont want labels on the trees but I do like the idea that for good and bad reasons, such as the death of my granddaughter and my parents 40 year anniversary, we all add trees to the woodland trust and I feel it is at least a token that our family give back a little for all we have taken from the world. i dont need any label put anywhere but like to think that when my son and grandson and their families go to swaledale in the future that they will remember me there. I have preferred to leave money to the charities that have meant a lot to me all my life, and trust my son to follow my wishes. I do think he will follow them, but of course wont be around to argue the toss if he does anything else!

My daughter also wants a Direct Cremation. Not sure about my son, as he never talks about it. But I have a feeling he wouldn't for himself.

Family wise there are just my 3 adult kids. They all have partners/spouses but there are no Grand Children yet. I don't really have friends just acquaintances. After my husband passed I took out a funeral plan, it's all paid for and a few of my wishes. No flowers, no religion and no fuss. All 3 offspring know about it. Afterall a funeral is really for the living, the dead knows nothing about it.

Sorry, that was in response to CariadAgain.

I'm really confused by that, because there's a big difference between someone being an organ donor and someone donating their body to science after their death.

I really dislike direct cremations, I feel family and friends are not given the chance to grieve properly.
I spent a lot of time and thought preparing my mum's and dad's memorial services. . They died during COVID and we couldn't have the funerals we planned, which was very distressing. The services were gift to them, the last thing I could do for them to honour their memories and show how much I loved them. Even now I feel that I did everything I could, it is a comfort to me.
Maybe people are taking that opportunity away from their children by arranging these plain and direct cremations.

ViceVersa

For anyone who is planning to donate their body to science, please just be aware that you do need to have a 'plan B' in place just in case the body is not accepted. This can happen for any number of reasons. My late mother wished to donate her body to science, but at the time she died, the university had their full quota of bodies and could not accept it, so I was left in a bit of a quandary as to what I should do.

That would have left me heaving a sigh of relief in those circumstances. No-one would have wanted either of their bodies anyway I would think - far too much wrong with their health all round and they were both in their 90s anyway.

So I would have just heaved that sigh of relief, shrugged and got on and made normal arrangements for cremation (which is what they both decided on come the end). I would have hated to be in the position where medics were arguing with me - trying to grab for their bodies - and I was trying to figure out ways to make sure they couldnt touch them for some hours (ie as they want to grab for bodies so very soon and hence the taking organs from people who they aren't really really sure are dead/end of).

I'd have visions of being under siege by police trying to get hold of their bodies anyway - whilst I played for time and played for more time in any way I could think of....until they no longer wanted to grab them anyway...as they'd waited too long. I'd have dealt with any charges the police or anyone brought against me - when I was quite sure we were well "after the event" and they were safe.

Hubby and I want non attended cremation. Don't want the children having to make arrangements. If they want to do something as a get together they can but not bothered if they don't.

I’ve had a prepaid Co op funeral plan for some years. It will be a cremation. Though I am a Christian, I do want a celebrant to conduct my funeral, as I think it feels more personal than a religious one. I’ve always found it difficult to sing hymns at funerals, better to listen to music that has connections to the person who has died.

NotSpaghetti

I like the catharsis of a funeral...
Very healing.

NotSpaghetti, I totally agree with you. I suggested direct cremation to my kids and got a very robust response. They also appreciate the catharsis of the funeral. I guess it's the final rite of passage. Anyway, I won't be there, so they can do what helps them and the grandkids.

For anyone who is planning to donate their body to science, please just be aware that you do need to have a 'plan B' in place just in case the body is not accepted. This can happen for any number of reasons. My late mother wished to donate her body to science, but at the time she died, the university had their full quota of bodies and could not accept it, so I was left in a bit of a quandary as to what I should do.

My funeral is sorted and paid for. I did this after organising two funerals for my parents in the space of 15 months. It was onerous and heartbreaking.
I have a book entitled “ Last Orders” and everything is stated in it .
If you don’t want a funeral you don’t have to have one . My friend’s sister insisted on no funeral and her wishes were obeyed. Whilst alive, make t easier for those who will be left behind.

No funeral concerns at all. Like David Bowie, I will be having a direct cremation with no ceremony at all. I truly cannot see the point and also I do not attend funerals.

We had a fairly elaborate but mainly non-religious funeral for DH, reflecting his life which he lived to the full..
For me, and for our children, that was important.
I rather think they will do something similar for me, but that will be their business. I just want my ashes put into the same hole as DH's.