Your funeral

I have a pre-paid funeral plan in place, made it out once probate was settled after my husband's death. Details such as what firm of undertakers, the clothes that I wish to be buried in, and the payment for our grave plot is also arranged.

So now I do not intend to concern myself with the matter, although it does intrude itself in my thoughts at times, and possibly will on the day I am faced with the knowledge that I am entering the last lap.

Having moved upon retirement, and having attended the funerals of friends younger than self, I realistically do not suppose there will be many present at my funeral.

However, as I believe God will be listening, I am not too worried about absent mortals.

Lovetotravel

I worry sometimes that there won’t be many at my funeral, I guess I won’t know. I have written down my wishes though with what music etc I would like to be played as I want our two boys not to have to try and decide what I would like. I would also like my ashes buried with a plaque saying who I was etc., I respect others wishes not to have anything but I think it’s sad that we live on this earth for however long then it’s not recognised. I enjoy visiting cemetery’s in this country and abroad and reading that there was a person who lived a life.

Re the living on this earth and not being recognised = to me means "leave a legacy behind you" (ie whether a financial one or a "good works" one).

To me - I can see YouTube video and articles and more YouTube videos and articles about a "good works" scheme I came up with and that's enough for me. I don't need official recognition - wouldnt get it anyway - as I just worked out all the details and then gave it away (basically too lazy to get it going myself - but I wanted it to happen). That'll do me.

One of the advantages of being single and childless too is I can (and have) left everything to a suitable charitable cause. I did it in order to make sure my erstwhile brother and his family can't get their hands on it come the time (as I know just how "grabby" they are and hence why they're erstwhile). The amount that cause is going to get will be noticeable enough to do something noticeable with - and so that will do as well imo.

KKOB

My wife and I have both signed over our bodies to Keele University Medical Faculty for use in science when we die. It means that there won't be a funeral, or there could be a huge delay in the disposal of our remains. Both our close families are aware and they accept that it's our wish.

I'd encourage everyone to consider donating their bodies to medical science as it's the only way for budding doctors and surgeons to safely practice on real bodies.

If you need advice on how to go about it there's plenty of guidance on the internet.

That is one thing everyone can be quite quite sure I won't do - that's part of why I think "3 days before they find me should be something that happens" ie because I'm single.

I strongly discourage people from leaving their bodies to medical science. I have read WAY more accounts of people not being really really dead before they got their scalpels out and started grabbing for organs from the person. "Brain dead" has fairly often proven not to be "dead....really really dead". I've read a lot of horror stories about this and there was one from America last year spread right across the newspapers (the "Daily Mail" was one of the ones that carried it for instance) about a man who was still alive when they started with their scalpels - he was moving and crying!!!!! and his sister had to step in and save him (ie when she realised he wasnt really dead at all) and his health is worse as a result of that and I presume he's traumatised too from having something like that happen to him. Pretty often the medics put movements by the person concerned down to "reflex actions" - when they aren't at all...the person is trying to let them know they are still alive - and feeling everything.

The last thing I'd want if I got killed by medics in that way is for them to sleep easy in their bed at night and I'd have a bit of "haunting" to do for a while if it came to it (errrm....I'm not joking either.....they darn well would find they'd acquired a poltergeist in their homes for doing that to me).

@Missiseff

So sorry to hear you are estranged from both your children.

I hope you are OK

Ive sorted mine!! No funeral, quick stop at the crematorium, ashes mixed with my animals/parents/partner. A big party funded by me with all my favourite music then ashes scattered in my favourite place. All sorted with solicitor and friends and if family want yo come but not bothered either way. I dont dwell on it as im enjoying "life" don't care when im dead 😉

No funeral here either .... Direct Cremation for me too.

We had a direct cremation for my husband, arranged with our local funeral director. We were informed of the exact time it was going to happen at our local crematorium, and they would play the music he had wanted, so I could be at home and play the music myself at that time and mourn him properly instead of being there and having to struggle to keep a brave face. They delivered the ashes to us afterwards. I expect I will be having the same arranged for me when I go.

KKOB Not everyone’s body can be accepted by the HTA for research. Although through treatment and undetectable now, I’ve had Hep C in the past so I’m considered contaminated. My own dad wanted his body to go to research but because a had a stoma, they said they would only accept his head.

This has made me think. My parents who died over ten years ago opted for no formal funeral and opted for nothing else…and I was left to just scatter the ashes where I felt fit, on my own. It was a sad and lonely experience. For myself, I think my children would know exactly where I’d want my ashes to be (but maybe I need to leave that in a note anyway) and I’d like to think they would get together and mark my life with a strong drink! And I would like my close friends to be notified and given details of an organisation that they could donate to in my memory. I also don’t want to think there could be a dreadful funeral experience with just a small number of people there. I think alternative ideas are really growing these days whereas in my parents day it was almost unheard of not to have a formal funeral.

polomint I think this thought might be quite normal. My ex husband had 3 people at his funeral, I wasn’t one of them, I did say to our daughter I would attend for her mainly but she declined as my ex husband current partner would be there. I suppose Polomint we won’t be around but I have bought and paid for my Woodland funeral, chosen the music and left a couple hundred quid aside for a few drinks in the local pub afterwards.

I worry sometimes that there won’t be many at my funeral, I guess I won’t know. I have written down my wishes though with what music etc I would like to be played as I want our two boys not to have to try and decide what I would like. I would also like my ashes buried with a plaque saying who I was etc., I respect others wishes not to have anything but I think it’s sad that we live on this earth for however long then it’s not recognised. I enjoy visiting cemetery’s in this country and abroad and reading that there was a person who lived a life.

Polomint - so much of this post rings true with me. I don't particularly want a funeral but would hate to upset my partner, 2 DD's & 2 GC. It's something I'll have to decide on sooner rather than later but find it a real dilemma

I , like you Polomint, think about my demise and funeral. I used to worry about the dying part. Then I made an appointment with an undertaker to discuss what my wishes might be, and arranged a funeral to be buried in a wicker coffin in a natural burial ground. It's delightful, a lake with ducks nearby, and woods and lots of wild flowers. No headstones or memorials. I feel so much better now for doing that, and I paid for it all over a 5 year insurance plan.
I was worried that I wouldn't live long enough to get it all paid off, but here I am 10 years on.
Whether anyone attends is out of my control! 🤗

Toetoe

I'm going quietly and by myself. Direct cremation. I don't want my kids and granchildren waiting 3 weeks or longer for a coffin to arrive outside the house, then have to follow it for miles , immagining me in that box . Nope not for me .

Totally agree with this and my son and family know it's what I want. I think funerals are torture for those closest to the deceased and don't see any comfort to be gained unless you are a religious person but each to their own.

My wife and I have both signed over our bodies to Keele University Medical Faculty for use in science when we die. It means that there won't be a funeral, or there could be a huge delay in the disposal of our remains. Both our close families are aware and they accept that it's our wish.

I'd encourage everyone to consider donating their bodies to medical science as it's the only way for budding doctors and surgeons to safely practice on real bodies.

If you need advice on how to go about it there's plenty of guidance on the internet.

Pure cremation for me, or burn and return as I like to call it. I do understand that funerals are an essential for some but I’ve always loathed them and still regret not having the courage to not go to the funeral of my darling mum. Not much choice of direct cremation in those days that I was aware of.

I'm a little surprised by how many if us are choosing no funeral option, I thought I was an outlier in this. I only have children and grandchildren to think about we all live within 5 miles of each other. I know from my parents and in laws funerals, my children don't need comfort from anyone else they found the big funerals too impersonal. I won't be there so I don't care really, but if pushed I'd say sprinkle my ashes in woodland or somewhere high up with a view. I have over 20 cousins still living all younger than me, the youngest is same age as my youngest daughter. We are very spread out and stay in contact with a What's App group but rarely get together these days, so I don't think it's a concern.

I’m not religious, but I do like a lot of trad hymns, so I’d rather like some of those played at mine. Though obviously I won’t be there to care, so it’ll be entirely up to dds.

What I really wouldn’t want is some ‘celebrant’ waffling on about me. After an old friend’s funeral with a truly dreadful one - I was sure old friend must have been turning in her coffin! - that is a definite No. I’d rather have a vicar and some lovely old hymns any day.

It is a very personal thing of course and depends on your beliefs but I have chosen to not have a funeral - as quite a few posters on this thread have.

I have written down my wishes in detail about where I'd like to be scattered and what to do as a memorial gathering, but it will just be a picnic with flowers and music at a favourite place that means something to all of us.

Funerals are painful occasions to be endured for me so I tend not to go these days. I don't want to put my loved ones through that, so cremation without service and a gathering when the sun is shining and it's warm enough to be outside is quite enough fuss!

Make your plans now polomint. Write it all down and put it with your will, then just enjoy the rest of your life 🤗

I think about it a lot, especially since being estranged from both my adult children. How will they feel? Relief I've gone for good?

I've always thought that funerals are for the living, so I think it's best if people just do it how they see fit. If someone doesn't want to come, fine! We all grieve differently and I wouldn't want anyone to be dragged to the funeral they find hard to attent. For some funeral is closure, some want photos and slideshows, I know a lady who made a Smartshow 3d slideshow of her photos herself (in her words, "They'll never pick the photos I like, so I'll do it for them"), and some want none of this.

It's just so deeply personal that there is no "right" or "wrong" imo.

I feel that to have a formal funeral or not is up to those left behind as some find it brings a close to a sad time. I really don’t care. If it was up to me I’d be quietly cremated and the ashes disposed of without fuss. But it’s not up to me.
I have a friend who has planned her funeral down to the last sigh, has chosen the photos, prayers, music and written her own eulogy. She has prepared strict instructions for her children to follow. It all sounds a bit self indulgent to me, but each to their own.

sparkle1234

If I go in the summer I would like a woodland burial . If it's the winter a cremation . I do not want a gravestone .
I hope there will be family and friends remaining to attend .
If not then my children can keep it small and simple and go for a meal afterwards .
Over the years I've become disheartened by family and friends who will travel great distances to funerals .If only they'd make the same effort for the living . Its easy to cry over the dead I suppose .

Maybe part of that "travelling great distances" too might be that, at some level, people think "This could be when any skeletons in the cupboard come out....".

I did wonder why my mother was clearly very reluctant for me to go to her "elder sister" funeral (ie my "aunt" - as she'd told me). I didn't understand why in the slightest - as that sort of relationship level merits a funeral attendance in my family and it wasn't a long-distance thing particularly (ie my parents and I travelling from Devon to Cornwall).

I went.

It took quite a while after that though before I found out the reason for her reluctance - ie that her "elder sister" was actually her mother and she wasn't my "aunt" (because she was my grandmother).

I didn't get given any clues that things were "not as I'd been told" and came away from it as clueless as I'd gone to it and found out in a quite different way later on what the relationship set-up really was - and it doesn't bother me in the slightest about the illegitimacy. But it does bother me that I was lied to (particularly as that was even unwiser than with most - as both my mother and I do have a higher level of intuition than most people it would appear and so there was more chance than with most that the truth would surface somewhere along the line).

@keepingquiet
Thankyou.

If I go in the summer I would like a woodland burial . If it's the winter a cremation . I do not want a gravestone .
I hope there will be family and friends remaining to attend .
If not then my children can keep it small and simple and go for a meal afterwards .
Over the years I've become disheartened by family and friends who will travel great distances to funerals .If only they'd make the same effort for the living . Its easy to cry over the dead I suppose .