urgent please advise

Please not pleased

Pleased don't involve social services! Surprised forced adoption thread is still on gransnet.social worker in 1970s in her own words snatched babies from the arms of their weeping mothers! Thought she was doing the right thing 😨Bad parents or back pockets?

55katie

Just an update I have had my daughter and granddaughter stay with me. I have said that it’s okay until my daughter gets herself sorted it is hard and my tongue is sore from biting to stop myself from taking over or saying the wrong thing but, I can live with that for the time being. Your comments have been good and it did put things in perspective rather than panicking and being rash.

Good news, I hope you have some support.

Just an update I have had my daughter and granddaughter stay with me. I have said that it’s okay until my daughter gets herself sorted it is hard and my tongue is sore from biting to stop myself from taking over or saying the wrong thing but, I can live with that for the time being. Your comments have been good and it did put things in perspective rather than panicking and being rash.

I’m glad you’ve spoken to her and it’s good the HV will visit and do a wellness check.
You say she seems fine to others and your son suggests she’s manipulating you. This is possible because you are the “safe” one she can sound off to. I have a DD like that! But not about her own DD. It sounds as if she’s mourning the life she used to have and/or expected to have which is gone. That is, indeed, hard to come to terms with.

Thanks for the update Katie. You’ve taken the big step and your discussion with your daughter sounds a better base to go from.
I hope your daughter, her little one and you get some effective support.
If children’s services do get involved, I hope you have an experienced practitioner. If you’re in England, we have a few posters who can clarify what they can and should do, as well as the Children Act, their legal framework

Aldom

*melpl*. Others have asked about the child's father and were you to read the thread, you would find that the OP has answered the question and fully updated on the current situation.

Just what I was going to say. In OP's words- he 'fled' whatever that means.

melpl. Others have asked about the child's father and were you to read the thread, you would find that the OP has answered the question and fully updated on the current situation.

Where is the childs father - no one has asked. Does he have a relationship with the child?

I don't think he was being dismissive as in condemning his sister outright, but maybe pointing out an aspect of her behaviour that Katie might not have considered. It's not nice for Katie to be "blamed" for this and that, and some insight might give a more rounded view of the situation.

Its empowering to know, "look, certain things are not your fault".

Well done 55katie 👏🏽👏🏽 I know how difficult it must be for you to try to navigate this situation. Your son could be right about your daughter knowing how to press your buttons, but she also sounds at the end of her tether mentally and emotionally so a good idea to ask a health visitor to call. Let’s hope something good comes of it.
Posting on here might not be the same as confiding in friends or family but we are all here for you.
💐

Katie, from information you’ve posted previously I wouldn’t rely too heavily on your son’s dismissive interpretation of your daughter’s behaviour.

So good to hear that a health visitor is going to visit your daughter. Hopefully it will bring about an improvement for both your daughter and your granddaughter🤞🏽

The health visitor should know these things? 2 years old is old enough for nurses under the govt 2 to 4 year old plans

Does Mum go out to work or is she on benefits? Either way, check this page out

beststartinlife.gov.uk/childcare-early-years-education/?gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23468622883&gbraid=0AAAAAowZrsmLKQa0etvvWEB9t0uMkZv5L&gclid=Cj0KCQiAhtvMBhDBARIsAL26pjHkw-BuccAe67kwqYQZC9b3JzLQurqP9E4TOzaiVZF9pTEq0p3k3_AaAuJ8EALw_wcB

I followed your thread yesterday knowing how close to home for me this could be, and feeling I couldn’t offer anything more than the good advice already given. Having come back to it today I hope your immediate situation is better.
In the short term could they both come and stay with you. That way you can ‘see’ and hear what their daily life is like, where the flash points are, and step in to diffuse the situation. Having personal experience, I know how trying and challenging two year olds can be, and how difficult for mum when there is no one to step in and share the difficult days.
Does your grandchild go to nursery or a child minder? This would give your DD some respite too and she could access the free care now available.
for you as I know your anguish

A big, big, well done you, 55Katie. A health visitor is a great option: it hasn't got a "threat" which its just possible she would feel if it went straight to SSD.

Do you recall in a post above I said she may be manipulating you a bit? I'm glad that your son has confirmed it.

It's a sad but very common reality that we take things out on your "nearest and dearest". It's a sort of "projection" psychologically:

where when we feel bad or confused we set someone up to run around worrying, or even sometimes "blame" them. Like accusing you of having to have a full scale wobble and so on.

It doesn't make her a bad person, just all too human.

ie, she acts as if she needs you to take her child, then sort of withdraws the offer or gives reasons its not on, which just puts you in a spin.

As you say, she is isolated, and it sounds as if you are too, so that things just go round and round in your head without an outlet. Your life isnt easy with the sight problems, and are you able to reach out and find a nice counsellor to chat to for a. period?

Your own GP may be able to help you with that. I'm not talking "mental health", I'm talking how we all need to talk to others to get things clear in our own heads.

Well done again, and I hope you and her can reach some happier relationship where you can have your granddaughter now and then overnight. It will get easier as the child gets older.

55katie

Thank you for your good advice. I have sat down and spoke with my daughter and not given the usual talk of we have all felt like this at some point. Before baby she was travelling and working round the world and as soon as she became pregnant the partner ran and never been in touch so her lifestyle completely turned upside down. She has no friends at all and those she did have don’t want to know. We are only a small family in total so it is difficult. I said I would have my granddaughter and she flipped she said so it takes me having a full scale wobble for you to have her overnight. I see all my grandchildren as much as I can. I see or speak with daughter everyday.and have the grandchildren once a week on my own which takes up a full week. I told her I wasn’t a mind reader. In my head I’m thinking so she wants me to commit to having her overnight also. She said she never wanted children ever and it was the worse decision of her life. I said very calmly she should have done the right thing before baby became a reality. We did discuss this at the time and I said she was an adult and I would not under any circumstances make that decision. I have spoken to the doctors and they are sending the Health visitor round to hers they said they will say it’s a routine check and not say I have phoned. My son when I spoke with him said she knows how to play me and which buttons to press to get what she wants he said did she to the tears and threats. I never replied. Whenever people see her about and my granddaughter they say how good she is with her and interacts really great, but she has done and said all what she has it contradicts what others and even I see. Behind closed doors give me the thought. Hopefully the Heath visitor will suggest something.

Thank you for keeping us fully updated, I hope your daughter is honest with the Health Visitor and if she (HV) dies her job properly she should be able to pick up any nuances and can check the little one is meeting her expected milestones.

There’s so much which could be going here, your DD does seem to be in a very dark place and I just feel sad for all of you, especially your little DGD. I really cannot think of many worse things than having a mother who never wanted you and resents your very being.

You are her mother and she can vent to you; your son is a bit of and AH if he expects you to have his kids and not hers and then has the gall to say SHE is manipulating!.

How about you stepping back a little from his to help with hers? If you can manage them surely you can help with hers?

Would it be an idea if DH and DGC both came to stay with you overnight for some company? She is still coming to terms with losing her identity and is finding it tough to make a new one - most mothers of you children can feel that to some degree. My DS is 45, and I can still remember thinking I am not me any more just his mother!
As a mum yourself, can you not think back to those days and what you did do repurpose your life? New friends - other young mums, toddler groups etc

Lostmyglassesxx

Please don’t contact SServices … you will go down the wrong path with them …

Sometimes decisions are made, in court, which are not popular. In the main SS do a good job in awful circumstances.

Thank you for your good advice. I have sat down and spoke with my daughter and not given the usual talk of we have all felt like this at some point. Before baby she was travelling and working round the world and as soon as she became pregnant the partner ran and never been in touch so her lifestyle completely turned upside down. She has no friends at all and those she did have don’t want to know. We are only a small family in total so it is difficult. I said I would have my granddaughter and she flipped she said so it takes me having a full scale wobble for you to have her overnight. I see all my grandchildren as much as I can. I see or speak with daughter everyday.and have the grandchildren once a week on my own which takes up a full week. I told her I wasn’t a mind reader. In my head I’m thinking so she wants me to commit to having her overnight also. She said she never wanted children ever and it was the worse decision of her life. I said very calmly she should have done the right thing before baby became a reality. We did discuss this at the time and I said she was an adult and I would not under any circumstances make that decision. I have spoken to the doctors and they are sending the Health visitor round to hers they said they will say it’s a routine check and not say I have phoned. My son when I spoke with him said she knows how to play me and which buttons to press to get what she wants he said did she to the tears and threats. I never replied. Whenever people see her about and my granddaughter they say how good she is with her and interacts really great, but she has done and said all what she has it contradicts what others and even I see. Behind closed doors give me the thought. Hopefully the Heath visitor will suggest something.

Hi if you feel either your Gd or D are at risk contact the councils safe guarding dept, just telephone council. Let's hope you you all get the support you all need. Got bless.

Children need a lot more than being fed watered and changed. They need live and safety for their mental and emotional health

I also agree with Grannytomany. Wise words.
As I stated before the priority has to be the two year old child, a mere toddler whose needs should be met by someone willing and able to do so. And there is also the question of safety of the child if the mother is mentally unwell.
I cannot think of a better reason to inform social services who will, I am sure, do everything possible to help the child and immediate family.

Grannytomany, many thanks for your post. It’s clearly based in experience of some kind. It’s grounding, which is what’s needed here

From similar personal experience I have to caution against the opinions which are of the ‘let the mother sort it out’ type. The best thing for a 2 year old child whose mother is very clear that she doesn’t want the child is not to be with that mother. Nor I think is it to be with a registered blind grandmother no matter how unpalatable the alternative is.

I’ve found that social services do all they can to safely keep a child within their extended birth family but not when safety is a potentially compromised for whatever reason.

I wouldn’t hesitate to ring social services and discuss it with them even if you wish to do so hypothetically and anonymously initially.