Die Quietly and Don’t Cause Much Bother

I remember my husband and I taking late m-i-law's fur coats up to a furriers in North London to dispose of because the female members of the family thought they were an abomination and wouldn't give them cupboard space. We were told such items get taken apart and sent out to Russia where no one cares about the wearing of fur allegedly! Well that was a few years ago before they had a war to worry about.

Very sorry about your circumstances.

With respect, those things that you did for your children are what parents are supposed to do.

In our sixties, we have downsized and minimalised already. Hoping to be here for a good while yet. In the meantime, its made our lives a great deal easier, too.

My life would have been much less hectic and complicated had I not had children. I’m damned if I’m going to feel guilty for burdening them with one day having to empty the home in which they all grew up.

When my late father in law died, he was the surviving partner, they had a large house and whilst he wasn't a hoarder by any means, it took several skip loads to clear general junk and acquisitions of no particular value, that his generation were prone to do, hang on to just in case it might be needed sometime in the future. I'm with Monica, I'm not going to bend over backwards to accommodate a smooth transition for the next generation as to winding up our estate and generally getting rid of things I want to keep, we had to sort out loads for our parents in that respect, tough! it's what you do in the circumstances and you can never be sure what future generations might like. For example, late parents in law had some now very coveted "mid century furniture" a couple of pieces that resonated more with our children's generation than it did with us, were gratefully received. I inherited some lovely bone china tea and coffee sets from that house, I do bring them out occasionally when we have guests, but I do wonder what will happen to them eventually. Same with some lovely bits of art deco china, very 1930s from my own grandmother. I don't perceive any of the younger generation to be at all interested in any of this stuff. Anyway I won't be here to care.

S*d decluttering to make life easier for the childern. Why on earth should we do that? We have just downsized and that has obviously included disposing of furniture and possessions. But we have done what we want in our way.

The last thing I am going to do is trim the last years of my life to meet the whims of my children. As long as they take away - and destroy all photos and private papers, they can then get in house clearers and leave it to them.

We are fortunate that, actually, our AC - and DGC- like and want our stuff. When we sold our holiday home in France, most of what we brought back to the UK was then delivered to our children, not us. Our DGD claimed our pine dresser dressed and drawers crammed with random blue and white furniture, DD took a patent armchair and beds and bedside tables. What is more, we sold our previous house to a young couple and they bought uite a lot of our furniture from us - an Ercol elm dining room suite, which we had in the kitchen/familyroom, chests of drawers, one whole bedroom of furniture, arm chairs.

DD has been absolutely insistent that we do nothing about getting rid of stuff with death in mind. She said taking the house apart and deciding what to do with everything is an important part of the mourning process.

All our furniture, mattress and settee, excepted ,is at least 100 years old, and even in today's depressed market for brown furniture, our furniture fetches reasonable prices, which we have found out because we have been both selling furniture at auction and buying, around our move.

The thing is, donating to whichever charity or good cause gives you 'control'. Your once precious treasures have a new and safer destination.
Yes, NotSpaghetti, not wanting your 'stuff' does not indicate that they don't love you.
Would you want their 'stuff'?

Leave everything to someone else, take them out of your will, sell your things, gift your home

...I'm not sure about the leap to "not loving your parents" from just not wanting much from their house?

Leave everything to someone else, take them out of your will, sell your things, gift your home , arrange your own funeral, and spend your money on having fun in what little time you have left, I do not understand the modern age of not loving your parents, but if they have children their day will come

i have had the talk with my son, no funeral, no service, just a straight cremation, the house, take anything you want and then get a company to come in and clear it, plain, simple and no fuss.

My mil always had a charity bag at the back of the front door. By the time she died, she had barely nowt left 😔
Her bed & tv went to one neighbour, sofa & wardrobe to another neighbour. Job done. No house to sell as it was a private rent.

FranA

I will shortly have too face the grim reaper. A fact of life. Some other facts of live are that I did everything I could to give my children a good life. Went without; saved money so they could get driving licences; cars; university educations. I also thought I was doing the right thing by acquiring good crystal; good China; lots of photographic memories etc etc. Now it seems I am supposed to minamalise all that so they don’t have too waste any of their precious time and grieving over my demise. Would I be wrong to think… I could just blow it all any you can just start completely afresh. No baggage from me!

Have your kids said that literally? Or are you thinking they think that?

I really like this and have writeen it down for future reference - things mean something to us not our kids. Thank you.

Debbie58 When my husband died 3 years ago I had his big workshop to sort out. I knew I couldn't ignore it as some of the equipment would deteriorate. If you have a Men's Shed in your area contact them. Three reps came up to look through the equipment, they couldn't believe all the stuff. They came back another day to disconnect some stuff, box up other bits then came back with a van to move everything. The shed had some folding bench tops, loads of drawers, shelves most of which I felt I'd never use. Again, another team came to take out what I didn't want and took all away to recycle in their Men's Shed. I did tell them if any of the equipment was found to be superfluous they could sell for funds but they felt if not kept in the Mens Shed, members would buy for their own use. Wonderful organisation. Keep in mind for when the day comes.

When I moved a couple of years ago I cut back what I kept! Not a lot of furniture. Donated music & books. Kept favourites & my Dragon collection as my son wants some of the Dragons & knows where he can sell the rest! Nothing else to leave him but he does not want me to worry & get rid of any more than I already have! Backs it up by giving me books & music. Think he is unusual but love him for that!

It's the way of the world now, who wants a fussy funeral, certainly not me, who actually likes going to funerals, it's not out of duty to the departed is it, relatives think they need to make a show of it for other people.
Most homes are now minimalist and all beige and greys they don't want chinz etc, no, sort your belongings now, sell some and go on a holiday, give some to a favourite charity, think how good it will feel when you get rid of the clutter- and yes I've already started, who knows what's around the corner.

Today we took delivery of some replacement cushions for an IKEA chair. OH has insisted on boxing up the old cushions and putting them in the garage "in case we need them".
Give me strength!

A friend told us about an acquaintance who had a lot of ‘stuff’.

Apparently, when chatting to his children about what they would do with it eventually, he was told …

“Dad, as the hearse drives off, the skip will be driven in”.

Allira

Calendargirl

But if DC might want it one day, perhaps they should be the ones storing it, until they decide for certain whether or not that is the case. 🤷‍♀️

I think of a friend, still storing her DD’s uni books and other paraphernalia. The DD has her own home now, but Mum is still the one cluttered up with her ‘stuff’.

Where do you suggest please, Calendargirl

I assumed, (wrongly I suspect) that your children had their own homes?

If not, obviously more difficult.

Agree to hang onto it in the meantime, but let them know you’ll not be storing it forever.

I don't have much in the way off good stuff for me kids to sort out/chuck away but I have thousands of photos. I said to my daughters that I would have to cull them before I popped my clogs but they actually asked me to leave them as they enjoyed looking through them and they could decide for themselves which they wanted to keep. Thanks kids.

When my mother died, the British Heart Foundation took quite a lot of the furniture.

We gave boxes of stuff to the auction house and bags of stuff to the charity shop. What was left went to the local tip - it was a mammoth task. Clearing out her kitchen cupboards, we found seven broken electric kettles. She threw nothing away. my dad’s shed was like the tardis. But a lot of the tools went to a local charity that refurbishes tools and sends them to Africa.
But I do think we owe it to her adult children to have a bit of a sort out first. It was exhausting for my brother and I.

FranA
I am terminally ill, prognosis a massive shock, totally out of the blue, last September. Since then I have been on a mission to clear “stuff” much to my DH’s and DS’s dismay “there is no need!”.
However I am leaving instructions for specific rings and other jewellery to go to my two DGDs, not sure what will go to my two DGSs. I have an extensive collection of Swarovski ornaments and their Annual Xmas stars, dated each year. I have instructed that the years of Daughter’s and Son’s marriages, along with the birth years of the four DGC, to be retained and hung on the Xmas Trees each year in my memory. I lost a lot of weight and have donated so many clothes and accessories to our local hospice charity. It will be left to the family as to what happens with everything else and, as I will no longer be around, it won’t upset me.

I started ‘sorting out’ six months ago, I have one child and everything was offered. My son didn’t want anything so I donated ALL to a church charity shop, EVERYTHING! The pleasure was hearing that because of my donation the church was able to help more mums and stock the food bank. The shop is run by volunteers and the only overheads are what the council charges so I was absolutely delighted! Now, every time I look at something and am certain I’m ’over them’, I simply pack my trolley, pop on a bus and take them to the charity shop!!

'Black bags day' is one of the sad processes we all now go through, but it is a sign that we have been better off than previous generations.
Ask if there are pieces they would like to have, and then, if you wish, and have the energy slowly find destinations you approve of for some of your other treasures.

I understand exactly where you are coming from, FranA. I realised some time ago that there won’t be a great deal of enthusiasm for most of my possessions. I’ve told them to take what they want, give stuff away (if other folks want it) and then to charity-shop the rest.

I really must get round to undertaking a ‘death’ clearout…

Mine will even bin the photos, let alone the china