Integrating a baby into family life

How to rear children goes through changes like much else. The children generally survive.
When I was born babies were fed by the clock then left alone. Their crying was ignored or they would be ‘spoiled’.
My babies were breastfed for a year but most were bottle fed. Smacking was still common.
My grandchildren were raised by parents in full-time work. They never heard the word ‘No’ and were given everything they asked for but their lives are chaotic.
Now children are over-protected by over-anxious parents. You never ever leave your baby (or a puppy). Child and puppy grow up despite their early care.

Whitewavemark2

Being judgemental honestly is not an attractive attribute.

Walk a mile in that persons shoes etc.

A relative of mine second child was born with two holes in its heart. That relative spent all her time holding that baby and loving it. He grew into a fine young man although the holes have never fully grown over. But my goodness that mother should never be judged.

One in ten babies is born with a hole in the heart, so I was assured by a Consultant cardiologist.

Many of us have one without being aware of it or find out later in life. If it is a problem then surgery may be necessary.

RosiesMawagain

@Doodledog -even using the term "hippy types" speaks volumes.
Doing a reasonable job of rowing back, but to mix my metaphors, "when in a hole .." etc

Good grief! Ok, I’m not saying it all again. If you want to think I am crass and judgemental about what are basically people like me, go ahead. I’m starting to feel pretty judgy about you now, so I guess it evens out.

My post was not intended to be judgemental. I was just interested to see how we all dealt with this as I do think that this is partly a generational thing. I do feel sorry for some young women who feel pressured (often by social media) to be the perfect mother to the detriment of their well-being. We all wanted to do the best we could but I did not feel the pressure that seems to be loaded on today's young mums.

Luckygirl3

My post was not intended to be judgemental. I was just interested to see how we all dealt with this as I do think that this is partly a generational thing. I do feel sorry for some young women who feel pressured (often by social media) to be the perfect mother to the detriment of their well-being. We all wanted to do the best we could but I did not feel the pressure that seems to be loaded on today's young mums.

I think most of us are anxious with a first baby, not knowing whether or nit we are doing the right thing.

As I had no parents nearby to help or advise, MIL very busy with a full-time job and caring for her own mother and DH away for months, I had to find out what worked best for me.
By the time number two arrives, you are more relaxed, with number three positively laid back!

RosiesMawagain

They probably read The Guardian and voted Remain, too.

Well that's preferable to them being sprawled on the sofa with the Daily Mail spread out like a comic whilst their other children sit on the floor eating dinner out of a take-away container whilst the mother grumbles on about "immigrants".

We can all play that silly game...

Do you realise how ridiculous your comment is?

Dickens

RosiesMawagain

They probably read The Guardian and voted Remain, too.

Well that's preferable to them being sprawled on the sofa with the Daily Mail spread out like a comic whilst their other children sit on the floor eating dinner out of a take-away container whilst the mother grumbles on about "immigrants".

We can all play that silly game...

Do you realise how ridiculous your comment is?

No more ridiculous than characterising them as hippy types, preparing vegetarian meals and breastfeeding toddlers
My comment was intended to highlight precisely such ridiculous and prejudiced generalisations.

My eldest child suffered birth trauma so we had to be holding her almost 24 hours a day. I’m sure more is known now but she needed to be wrapped tightly and held which I now understand is sensory based, 30 years ago it wasn’t really understood. We didn’t even know she had a disability but we were just always given mainstream advice even though she just screamed constantly, couldn’t feed properly, wasn’t thriving etc etc.

I had ‘normal’ children after that. It didn’t really compare and was so easy

RosiesMawagain

My apologies - I hadn't read the whole thread, it was dumb of me to jump in like that.

I haven't read the whole thread so I apologise if I've got the wrong end of the stick, but if mum is 'attached' to the baby 23 hours a day, I wonder when dad gets his turn to bond, have skin to skin contact etc?

My four were all different, breastfed for varying lengths of time, but all bonded with their dad because I viewed him as more than the sperm donor or financial support. He changed nappies, walked the floor rocking an unsettled infant, and just enjoyed them as much as me.

Dickens

RosiesMawagain

My apologies - I hadn't read the whole thread, it was dumb of me to jump in like that.

🤣🤣 No probs Dickens - it all got a bit silly, and may well continue to do so.

It may continue to do so if you insist on telling me I am being crass when I was simply refuting the idea that people who carry their babies all day are doing so out of some sort of guilt because their maternity leave is ending .

I don’t think that reading the Guardian, cooking vegetarian food or whatever else I said is pejorative. I had already said that it is up to the individual how they bring up their babies, and not for others to criticise.

Clearly you do see those things as negative (fair enough- your opinion), but if that has touched a nerve to the point that you keep posting to tell me what I think, I don’t know what to say really.

How to totally get the wrong end of the stick before beating one over the head with it.
Of course I don’t view these pejoratively and what I described as crass was your juxtaposition of characteristics which clearly enough (to me anyway) you viewed critically..
So are we agreed - nothing wrong with reading The Guardian, vegetarian meals, co-sleeping and “baby wearing” (dreadful description) - all absolutely fine and (more importantly) nobody else’s business

Allira

Whitewavemark2

Being judgemental honestly is not an attractive attribute.

Walk a mile in that persons shoes etc.

A relative of mine second child was born with two holes in its heart. That relative spent all her time holding that baby and loving it. He grew into a fine young man although the holes have never fully grown over. But my goodness that mother should never be judged.

One in ten babies is born with a hole in the heart, so I was assured by a Consultant cardiologist.

Many of us have one without being aware of it or find out later in life. If it is a problem then surgery may be necessary.

When they found the hole in my heart I was told it was 1 in 4 people had a hole in their heart. When, after tests, they found my hole and measured it, it was so small I was told if it had been any smaller it would have been invisible and would never affact my health in any way.

I think this is the problem of modern medecine, it can sometime see too much. A year later I had some other heart scan and was told that my heart is 'reassuringly strong'

Over six months I was taken from excellent health through misdiagnosis to finding all kinds of pointless things wrong with me. I went in a healthy woman, came out with a medical history and medication, but in exactly the same state of health at the start as at the finish.

Some odd ideas today and this is one of those.

New mothers take the advice from the government guidelines of the day.

My first born was swaddled, second and third laid on their fronts to sleep. We were told what was best for our babies.

My third daughter with their first born is being told to have the baby with them for sleeping, the 9 month old has never slept in his cot, let alone in his bedroom, whereas mine all slept in their own room all through the night.
We were in the maternity ward for 10 days and our babies had a rhythm was formed, whereas these days after one night they are out and consequently my daughter has not slept three consecutive hours since the birth.
She has been told that, to let the baby cry heightens their cortisol levels and will have problems with stress therefore must be avoided.
These young professionals are giving out this advice with only text book experience.

My daughter lives in the UK but these ideas are also given to mother in France where I live.

Fortunately, both governments are now recommending potty training, although it is not called that, to be started early at 6 months, which is a thumbs up from me. My DGS loves his potty training because he has a story read..

Mothers do their best most of the time so we shouldn’t criticize, just bite your tongue and help out as much as possible.

Luckygirl3

My post was not intended to be judgemental. I was just interested to see how we all dealt with this as I do think that this is partly a generational thing. I do feel sorry for some young women who feel pressured (often by social media) to be the perfect mother to the detriment of their well-being. We all wanted to do the best we could but I did not feel the pressure that seems to be loaded on today's young mums.

Oh! I wasn’t casting aspersions 😊.

I sort of meant none of us are guilt free.

Mum was able to see the blood flowing out through the holes at the scans. She was told by the doctors that her child may well have things like more frequent chest infections etc.

Being told this at the birth of your child - even though mum has a good deal of knowledge in this area must be very upsetting and the inclination to hold your baby close and safe must be overwhelming for some mothers.

Baby grew to love all sport, playing regularly in various team sports etc. The holes have gradually closed - although not entirely over the years and mum and grandma have relaxed😊

Whitewavemark2

Mum was able to see the blood flowing out through the holes at the scans. She was told by the doctors that her child may well have things like more frequent chest infections etc.

Being told this at the birth of your child - even though mum has a good deal of knowledge in this area must be very upsetting and the inclination to hold your baby close and safe must be overwhelming for some mothers.

Baby grew to love all sport, playing regularly in various team sports etc. The holes have gradually closed - although not entirely over the years and mum and grandma have relaxed😊

That does sound more serious.

When my oldest was diagnosed with a hole in the heart my mother told me "oh yes, you had one too!", the first I knew of it.
Consultant who saw DC said it was not unusual and in most cases would heal over by itself.
The only time I have been reminded of it was fairly recently when I had a pre-operation echo-cardiogram.

I've just been over to MN and read the OP - but not the replies, I don't have the mental energy...

It would appear that the father was initially very involved with both the baby and the household duties. And then stopped, abruptly.

I think we need to hear his side of the 'story'. He's obviously capable so whatever the reason, it's not because he's a clueless father.

The mother talked about being 'nap-trapped' on the sofa, unable to call out to him for fear of waking the baby, or to get up.

What does she do if she needs to pee?

If you are gluing yourself to a baby 23 out of 24 hours and all normal household activity has to cease, the baby will never acclimatise to being laid in a crib/cot/whatever nor will it learn to tolerate everyday household activity noise.

There must be a reason why this previously adept father who apparently ran the household single-handedly has so suddenly disengaged himself, and the mother needs to have a conversation with him rather than ask on MN whether she's being unreasonable. But if she's 'velcroed' herself to her daughter, co-sleeping and napping with her for 23/24, it would seem this is going to be impossible.

I think it's this kind of nonsense that's created 'attachment ' problems, the infant won't settle away from the mother! Of course it won't, it's never had a chance to!
The MN type obviously invented motherhood, they're so superior to anyone before 2000, yet their children have a plethora of issues, nappies in school because they're ' not ready'. No s**t Sherlock, Pampers depend on their naivety to make millions, there'll be children in Year 7 soon 'not ready'.

there'll be children in Year 7 soon 'not ready'.

Still velcroed to their mothers! 😀

I've just been over to MN and read the OP - but not the replies, I don't have the mental energy...

I just glanced over there, Dickensand retreated after glancing through the first page!
As far as I read, they were all on the velcro-mother's side and even advising her to divorce him!

It seems very strange to me that a new mother would not detach herself from her baby except for just an hour a day, presumably to perform her ablutions. It certainly doesn't seem normal to me and I had a fretful first baby who needed lots of carrying around and comfort, but not all day and night.

Why isn't the father back at work? He probably needs to get back to work and away from this intense atmosphere. If she carries on treating him as just the other parent of her baby and forgets he is her husband too, she might find he's the one who disappears. He's not a selfish b*****d as described on MN, he's probably bewildered and has withdrawn.

Is this what is considered normal now?

No mention of grandparents, going out, meeting friends with babies, just this intense atmosphere for four months.

And the mother was annoyed because she was lying on the sofa with the baby, her DH made himself some lunch but failed to make any for her! She said she was left hungry.

If the baby was a fortnight old, understandable, but four months? She is just using the baby as an excuse to be bone idle.

If she wants it with her all the time she should do it the African way and have it tied on her back then at least she can get on with some light work
Blimey I was near mine but never stopped normal days housework/ shopping etc now good for either of them