Friendships.....do you just let them fade away?

Sparkle and sixandahalf you are not alone. Tbh I have to do most of the running when seeing the few friends I kept after my DH had a stroke. And they generally talk about themselves, but I suppose I am as much at fault, I don’t think I would put that effort in if I didn’t need a break from caring for my DH.
Am not sure they would even bother to get in touch otherwise.
Others we knew, not many, but those we would see from time to time, have just given up on us now we can’t get about.
Sad that it comes to this 💐💐

sixandahalf yes wattsapp groups , another place to just get ignored 🤣🤣🤣

I’ve shaken off a school friend recently, I know I’ll miss her but she’s just behaved so badly on a couple of occasions. For example badmouthing me to other friends and to my children - all of whom contacted me to let me know what she’d done.
When we asked her to our golden wedding lunch in a restaurant she tried to finish every bottle of wine at the table. Several people asked me if she was an alcoholic. When she came to our home after the lunch she proceeded to open bottle carriers containing champagne presents that people had brought for us, opening them and trying many - despite the fact that there were open bottles for everyone to drink.
Both she and her husband have contacted us saying they’d like to meet, we’ve just ignored their messages.

sparkle, sorry you find yourself in a similar boat.

I think some people need a circle of friends, my older sister has many friends she sees regularly and so has a very full calendar. Then again she was widowed a few years ago so I think this is really important for her. But we are all different and even before my DH had a stroke and so needed to be cared for we never really surrounded ourselves with friends, a few good ones but we never saw them weekly or even monthly tbh.
Now I try to make the effort to see a friend or two every so often just to get out of the house and stay sane. But have never needed lots of friends.

I spend a lot of time on my own which I dislike and find myself dwelling on things

There's the rub. It can start its own downward spiral of rumination and self doubt. One of the school gate crew was always "busy" I swear it took me years and years to realise this was a code for " I don't want to see you"

I think some people are at capacity so they can only handle very superficial things or unrelenting positivity. It's that middle ground that's tricky.

I also think WhatsApp groups are the work of the devil!

Friends are for seasons. I have just recently needed to let a friend go after 35 years of friendship. She has been a widow for 18 months & although I was in contact with her whilst her husband had MND she has now moved into a friendship group with other widows & long standing friends (even longer than ours). I realised that about 6 months ago she had only occasionally been in touch with me to meet up - it seemed that it was always me and I talked to her about it to her then.
Since then she hasn't really been in touch so the friendship was more important to me than her.
I feel sad but will leave the door open but won't actively get in touch with her

I have always tried not too. I am very poorly now so can’t always be down to me!

I continue to declutter and recently tackled a box of letters from 1960/70's. Those were times when friends or self were working abroad. My best friend died some time ago. I managed to track down with some difficulty the contact details of 6 others. I was surprised at responses which varied from a renewed friendship and to no acknowledgment until I chased up that letters had gone to correct address. The letters were full of details of their lives, of people and feelings. Yes we were all great letter writers in those days as were my parents generation especially as we lived abroad.

Sparkle I could have written your post. Since my DH went into a care home I have found people avoid me or only get in touch when they want something. It is not nice to be used. I spend a lot of time on my own which I dislike and find myself dwelling on things.

^After moving away from my home town as a newly wed, my original best friends faded away. Life got in the way, no social media and you had to pay for any time spent on the telephone^📞

sankev ditto, but we used to write proper letters to each other for years! Then occasional phone calls, now social media.

Memo to self: Should make more effort

Oh dear to Sparkles message - what a shame . Why can’t people be more kind to others and bother with them . I bothered with quite an elderly lady I have said hi to in a cafe nearby and we now sit on the sand table for lunch sometimes . She’s a great line dancer too whereas as me 8 yrs younger -I am pathetic! 💐to you Sparkle and all of you ladies on here .

|My parents moved many times when I was young so I attended more schools than there are school years. I have lost touch with everyone from those days. I have friends from college days and my jobs and am also friends with parents of my child and with my husband's friends. But no one close except my other half and children.

I discovered this week that my DH's best friend for nearly fifty years just ghosted him on Facebook which we presume is because I 'like' posts from my son who works for a somewhat unpopular political party. This friend knows we are respectable, decent people who have never really put a foot wrong. No words!

Good advise thank you. 💐

You are very lucky. My sister was an awfully selfish person. Sadly!

Agree. So sad isn’t it. 💐

22sixandahalf your post resonated with me . I had quite a few school gate friends that faded away and sometimes I see the ones who live locally and go to say hi and they look straight through me or pretend they haven't seen me . I recognise them so it seems strange to me . Now I do the same , walk on by .
I was particularly close to one and would pop in for a coffee etc then she started being too busy . Occasionally I'd see her out and about and we'd say let's catch up , go for lunch but everytime I'd suggest getting a date she would say she would ring me and of course never did . I decided she didn't want my friendship any more so I just stopped . Two years went by and I got a message from her out of the blue asking if she could pop some forms over that needed a signature witness , she was in a dreadful hurry and thought of me . Unfortunately I wasn't available for her need at that time .
I don't really set great store by friends anymore as this sort of thing happens a lot . I feel as people befriend you for what you can offer them . When my children were young it was normally childcare during school holidays , husbands DIY skills or just to drain you with all their depressing problems . It always feels so one sided.
I used to be the one that hosted gatherings , organised birthday outings , took an interest in other people's children , shared their joys and griefs . When I stopped , these friends faded away .
I'm my own best friend these days , I talk to acquaintances but I don't get invested any more and sadly that applies to my siblings too . You can't let yourself down can you lol

Yes very sad is t it I have 2 new sets of neigjbours, they have been there 2 years each, they are in their 30s I am middle aged in all that time they havnt even said hello people live in their own pods with social media as their friend that's why pubs etc are closing and there is so much mental health and various other labels, I wish we could go back to the days before I phones a d social media and actually talk to each other

After moving away from my home town as a newly wed, my original best friends faded away. Life got in the way, no social media and you had to pay for any time spent on the telephone 📞. Though I had other friends through work, sadly they faded away when I finished work to care for my husband. I’m definitely guilty of not making an effort to sustain these friendships. My most consistent friendships were joint friendships with my late husband. Other couples with similar interests. Sadly since loosing him in October, these are also fading! No longer part of a couple doing the things we did as a couple I no longer fit into this friendship group! It is sad and I wish I had a closer friend connection. My sister is really my closest friend and unfortunately she is retiring to the seaside next month, 3 hours away 😢. At least she will still be on the end of the phone and she’s only a train ride rather than a plane ride away 🙏

I've had friends along the years but I've only acquaintances now,ex work colleagues etc.I can honestly say it doesn't bother me,I have family,I've always been ok with that

I have two best friends from junior school but one you have to book a ‘window’ for a chat, the other is always travelling.
The only person I could rely on was my sister, now deceased, I would say she was my one true friend. I miss her most days.

I had a good friend from college.I did a lot for her afterwards, collecting her children from school, etc. Then she moved away, with no advanced warning or explanation.
Fifty years on and she was in my orbit again so I wrote to her. A very long, enthusiast letter arrived back. I have written once more and phoned, speaking to her husband. Since then nothing,. Sad really.

I had some great friends of 40 and 50 years but as time passed and we got older they became very set in their ways and that lovely 'togetherness' became a 'you'll have to make an appointment with me as I am soo busy'. I let them fade and now belong to a group whom I met about 10 years ago and they are really fun. All a bit ditsy like me but never a nasty word said. Also, it is worth trying new skills and hobbies and just setting yourself menus of things to do. It gives your life structure and at the end of the day you feel as if you have done something valid - could be anything from getting a dog, to taking a bus ride to the next town, to trying out an art class. Make it your own.

Is difficult keeping friendships going when caring for my DH, but luckily some have survived and right now a couple of good friends is all I can manage. Things change. I don’t feel bad about this, it is simply another fact of life.

I have 2 friends one from Secondary School and Teaching Cert Time, and one from that last place I lived. I rarely see them, but when I do it's that "picking up where familiar". One especially I really do want to see this spring.

I dont have local friends the sort you would "pick up the phone to for a natter" except one I think is on the way to being this,

But because I have been a member of my gym for 25 years I have a large number of "friendly acquaintances". some of whom as time goes on, if I wished, I think I could easily ask for a coffee to take it further: I'm a Quaker and slowly working on turning people whom I worship with into a little more.

It's been mentioned being an only child and the issue of having to cope on your own with elderly parents.

I am hyper aware I have put my DS in that position and determined to plan in such a way that my getting very elderly will be as minimum a burden as possible.