Funeral

My husband and I both signed up for body donation to medical science 15 years ago. We are in our late 60s now.

When my DD was dying, she did not want all and sundry to turn up. She felt some would have known her well, others a work or social contact. Therefore her funeral was to be private. The announcement gave no funeral details with invite to contact family for details. For those not on her list, we just expressed funeral was private. Whilst a very sad event it was
as she wanted, the peoole all knew her well and at the Wake it was like a very large family gathering all us able to have decent conversations. For my DH I did the same, both sons were
pleased and again it was great to actually get real insights as to my DHs life outside the family rather than the fleeting comments usually expressed at these occasions. I want the same for me.

I’ve written my wishes down including a few things about me which husband or sons can say about me. I’ve sent it to them via What’s App and printed it off and left with our wills. I guess I won’t know if they will follow my wishes but at least they have a few ideas.

I decided some years ago that I don't want a funeral. It seems an awful waste of money for someone with very few relatives or friends. I would rather my sons had the money to spend on something nice; quite a good holiday could be had for the outrageous cost of funerals.
Definitely cremation for me, and my ashes scattered over Dartmoor.

I loathe funeral services in crematoriums so have written down what I want and told my daughters. I think direct cremations will soon become the norm.

paddyann54

We,ve decided on unattended funerals straight to the crem from the funeral parlour.
We,ve attended 14 funerals of close family and friends in the past 15 months and it’s not something I,d want my family to endure .
Mind ,if it carries on at this rate there won’t be anyone to attend ,certainly not from our generation though 4 last year were friends of my children in their 40,s .
My best friend who died a year ago arranged for just her daughter and grandchildren in the crematorium ,it was streamed to the rest of us at home and abroad and it was a very calm and peaceful.
That’s what I think we,d prefer ,we,ve been to massive funerals with much sobbing and screaming and everyone needing to “say something” it’s very harrowing ,not how I’d want to be remembered.
Music?
The Voyage by Christy Moore and Judy Collins version of In My Life to see me out .

Many people have unattended funerals now. I have always seen a funeral as celebrating a loved one's life not something to be endured. Never been to one with much sobbing, screaming and everyone needing to say something. I find the music, hymns and words very comforting not harrowing, although I understand that some people may.

My mother-in-law was 101.
There were lots of people there... 70 maybe
And more online - here and abroad.
And 50 at the (lovely) reception.
It was actually a very good day!

Luckygirl3

Is it just me or do others find themselves thinking a lot about the format and place of their own funeral. I do.

I suspect it is for several reasons:

- I have had some heart and other problems that make me reflect that I may not be likely to last into my 90's - or even 80s.
- I had to organise my OH's funeral and second guess what he might have wanted and feel it would be good if my DDs knew what I would have liked.
- I am a music buff and do not want crap music played at my funeral!!

Is it just me who keeps thinking about this?

I do , but for different reasons. Had three funerals very recently so that does set you off thinking and also when you've been ill, you do start to think 'Death thoughts' from time to time.

I don't like thinking not many people will be there !!!

My friend's husband died recently and despite knowing he only had weeks to live he refused to discuss his funeral. She had to organise a funeral with her daughters and his brothers. It all became a war of words. The brothers felt he should have a Catholic ceremony and burial but my friend and daughters wanted a simple ceremony and cremation. Eventually a compromise was reached but it was all very upsetting.

I do think the funeral is for those left behind and can bring comfort and is something positively practical that they can do that does not involve probate, bank accounts and all the other garbage that goes with a death.

I know my children found comfort in organising something that they felt reflected their father and they threw themselves into the arrangements. They also wanted a gravestone and got involved in the design and the wording in a very committed way. They visit the grave and tidy it up much much more than I do and find solace there.They are all artistic and planning plants etc makes them happy - I'm all for that.

mae13

I decided on a cardboard coffin when I saw the newspaper pics of the late George Melly's funeral.

I just want as simple as possible, no singing, no trite words and waffle, no flowers. Straightforward cremation.

But I must have a cardboard coffin with a Sunflowers design on iy. I found a cardboard coffin manufacturer site with dozens of glorious designs - it's a bit of a pity it will be going up in flames, but then I won't be here to give a damn.

My Dad has a cardboard Coffin with Horses galloping across fields it was lovely. Mum had a Wicker one with flowers entwined around it.
Me.. Couldn't care less tbh, kids can do what they like.

Me too .
I have told the children, but will write it down . Just cremation and ashes thrown into the sea, if that’s allowed, so I can float slowly away to the place I was born . No memorial , nothing. I know my friend spent thousands on her husbands funeral, plot,gravestone etc and I don’t think either she or her AC visit it - maybe once a year . She has got mobility and the children are too busy with their own lives 🥲

Jane43

Bellasnana

No I don’t as I’ve already bought and paid for a direct cremation. I don’t want a funeral. I’ve always hated being the centre of attention so would rather just go off without a fuss.

My sentiments exactly.

Me too!

Paddyann54 I agree with you. I dont want to put my 2 daughters through something I dont want anyway. But it will be their choice. I dont want to make arrangmenets that they are not happy with.
I recently watched a streamed small funeral from a crematorium and it was pretty awful. Not what I want for them at all.
I had better talk to both of them. I think poorly DH will be first. So I had better get my thinking cap on soon...he doesnt care. But not today.

I decided on a cardboard coffin when I saw the newspaper pics of the late George Melly's funeral.

I just want as simple as possible, no singing, no trite words and waffle, no flowers. Straightforward cremation.

But I must have a cardboard coffin with a Sunflowers design on iy. I found a cardboard coffin manufacturer site with dozens of glorious designs - it's a bit of a pity it will be going up in flames, but then I won't be here to give a damn.

I’m not having a funeral . They. aren’t compulsory. I hope my family will have a cheerful memorial lunch.

I don’t really think about it, though at a recent funeral for a neighbour, I did wonder whether another neighbour, very nearly 90 but still very active, was looking at the coffin and thinking, ‘Soon that’ll be me in there…’.

My daughters discussed my funeral when we were planning their fathers. We have an outline and I agree with their father, funerals are for the people left behind.

My parents let me decide how their funerals would be conducted as they knew it would be a fitting tribute to them. My father in law had it all set out and when we went to see the Vicar he just said it has all been pre-arranged. We did not have a say which was disappointing as we would have put more humour into it. It was very staid. I am going out with 'Sooty, ever so naughty Sooty......'. Why? Because Sooty has provided sources or comfort to me in my life when I was at my lowest and made me laugh. Also, it will hopefully mean people will walk out of my funeral with a smile on their faces.

My mother-in-law died last Christmas and had some contradictory ideas in a folder. We had discussed her funeral occasionally over the last 15 or 20 years and had looked at her folder maybe half a dozen times.

She had changed her mind several times over this period. She was a lively vibrant woman and her change of plans from one thing to another, back again and then all change was a feature of what my lovely husband said about his mum.
It's nice to be "guided" but too much control is tough.
What we did reflected her. Smart, tidy, wild, determined, beautiful, honest and very personal.
I suggest you collect your ideas together - but feel free to change them as your thoughts change.

My father-in-law wrote what he wanted my husband to say.
It was SO totally not "him" and read like an academic life story.
"On 4th August 1952 he was promoted to xxx and the autumn met n at 42 St John's street. In September 1953 he...."

It was tedious, dull and covered many pages.
It only spoke to a lack of joy.
Very sad.

Sun here too - but going out in it would involve getting blown over!

We,ve decided on unattended funerals straight to the crem from the funeral parlour.
We,ve attended 14 funerals of close family and friends in the past 15 months and it’s not something I,d want my family to endure .
Mind ,if it carries on at this rate there won’t be anyone to attend ,certainly not from our generation though 4 last year were friends of my children in their 40,s .
My best friend who died a year ago arranged for just her daughter and grandchildren in the crematorium ,it was streamed to the rest of us at home and abroad and it was a very calm and peaceful.
That’s what I think we,d prefer ,we,ve been to massive funerals with much sobbing and screaming and everyone needing to “say something” it’s very harrowing ,not how I’d want to be remembered.
Music?
The Voyage by Christy Moore and Judy Collins version of In My Life to see me out .

I think more about not being here anymore than about my actual departure.
I would prefer a direct cremation and then family and friends to have a get together/meal etc. But as my friends are the same age or older, my sister older it could be that there wouldnt be many who know me left!
But I wont think about it today as the sun has come out. I didnt have much say in my arrival!!

petra

Hopefully my body will still be acceptable to science.
I signed up for this many years ago.

You do need to have a plan B in place just in case that can't happen. This is what happened with my mother - they couldn't take her body as they already had a full quota, so we were left wondering what to do next.

tanith

I also told my family my preference but left decisions up to them. I really dont care honestly certainly not something I'll fret over in the time i have left.

I am not actually fretting about it but, even though I have written it all down and the DDs know where to find it, it still keeps coming into my mind. I guess because mortality has been somewhat thrust in front of me in the last year. It is not something that can be pushed into the back of the mind.