Funeral

foxie48

Franbern I have said half jokingly that I wouldn't mind my ashes being used to plant a pink old fashioned rose with a wonderful perfume. A very good friend died a couple of years ago, her family requested "no flowers" so I made a donation to the charity they requested but also planted a rose with her name that reminds me of her, it's doing well.

foxie, I wanted a rosebush with my mums name to plant in her memory.

There was a beautiful scented white one with her name but she despised white flowers. Aptly she always said white flowers were for funerals and the dead

My parents wrote their wishes in a notebook and told us where to find it. It was simple and did help to know we were doing what they wanted. My grandfather ( who was in his mid nineties) had made it clear he wanted bright colours at his funeral so everyone obliged to- all be it with tiny touches of the specified colour. He had joked he would come back and haunt us if we wore black and misery!
Mums address book stored with the notebook, had a list of people to notify, and who they were ( ie cousin, school friend) which was also very helpful. By the back door she had a list ( with contact details) of people to contact for instance for ambulance if something happened - ( son, daughter, GP, homehelp etc) which was also helpful- I would not otherwise have known how to contact some people when Mum was in hospital otherwise.

We scattered the ashes of my in-laws in our garden. So I guess they'll be living on in some respect.

I think the funeral can be one last gift.

I have been to many funerals. Yes, they are sad... but happy too - and full of love.

Thank you Calendargirl

That's worth knowing.
So many people pay in advance for their funeral/cremation.

Gracey

One thing I've wondered about is, if you pay in advance for a direct cremation or funeral service, what if, ten or fifteen years down the line, the company or funeral directors has folded?

I imagine there must be some sort of guarantee/scheme that no matter what, your money and plans are protected?

Make sure the funeral firm is registered with the FCA.

In the event of going bust, the plans are transferred to a new provider.

If they’re not with them, I suspect you lose the money.

One thing I've wondered about is, if you pay in advance for a direct cremation or funeral service, what if, ten or fifteen years down the line, the company or funeral directors has folded?

I imagine there must be some sort of guarantee/scheme that no matter what, your money and plans are protected?

One thing I would like my funeral to be used for is to thank those who have enhanced my life.

Franbern I have said half jokingly that I wouldn't mind my ashes being used to plant a pink old fashioned rose with a wonderful perfume. A very good friend died a couple of years ago, her family requested "no flowers" so I made a donation to the charity they requested but also planted a rose with her name that reminds me of her, it's doing well.

With regard to so-called ashes. For me they have absolutely nothing to do with the person who has died. Even if you get the correct ones (and how on earth would anyone know), it is more ashes of the coffin.
With my parents, I arranged with the Crem to do as they wished with them - had nothing to do with me. For my son, I was in such a stage of shock I found myself collecting that plastic urn of them. Never knew what to do with them, kept them in that for several years in shed and when i moved out of that house, noticed the plastic had cracked so very little left in it.
Have told Co-op funeral plan, to do as they wish after my crem, not to disturb my family about them.
To me, the death of a person is their end, BUT, hopefully there are many memories of their life to be talked about, discussed and whilst there are people around who have those memories, that is their little bit of eternity.

a small list of music that is personal and I keep changing my mind about! - oh me too!!

IMO Funerals are not for the dead they are for the living. When younger I thought I could tell my family how to grieve my death but as I get nearer to my end I have completely changed my mind. I've been to a few funerals over the years and my experience has been totally different to what others have found. Several have been for friends who have died far too young because of illness or accidents and others have been for elderly people and not unexpected but the love, respect and kindness shown for the deceased and their family has been uplifting and an important part of grieving. I hope when I die that my funeral will help my family and friends because I know they will be very sad to lose me despite my many imperfections. My only contribution apart from my body is a small list of music that is personal and I keep changing my mind about!

Can I ask how do those who have done so feel about scattering ashes. Does that feel like a final goodbye if the cremation has been a quick one?

I have just returned from the funeral of a very dear friend of nearly seventy years. A humanist funeral as specified by her, beautifully done, cathartic yet comforting, bringing peace to those who loved her.
Funerals are for the living as well as for the dead. Don't demean them.

I suppose what I am asking is does a quick cremation and Bob's your uncle help those relatives who feel the need to honour and remember their loved one with family and friends?

I've told mine I have no interest in having a funeral . I think they're awful things. I've never felt like I've 'said goodbye' after one. Money making and sad.
Just a quick cremation and Bob's your uncle

That is interesting Franbern. My OH's funeral was in our very beautiful and historic village church in spite of the fact that my OH had no religion. But the building had meaning for us all for many reasons and he had requested the funeral be held there and burial in the chrurchyard.
The vicar knew all this and was a friend. The funeral reflected his scientific background and rationalist stance ... she had no problem with this. She asked only that the lord's prayer be included and this we did for those in the congregation who did have a religious belief.

I am in my mid-80's and with five adult children. I know I could die at any time, or - indeed, live for several more years.
When my ex-hubbie died, he had paid in for decades to the synagogue funeral fund - although totally non religious. When my eldest daughter (who was doing the arranging) talked to them about the funeral, she said none of the family had any religious believes, could they keep any mention of god to the minimum

This request was totally ignored and we all had to sit there in the Chapel at the Crem, feeling totally embarrassed having to listen (what to us), was so much talk of a totally mythical creature!!!. Two and half years later, that daughter is still very angry about it!!!

I have arranged and completely paid via direct cremation with the Co-op (same as but less cost the Pure Cremation), put aside some money for them to arrange (should they wish), some sort of wake or celebrations of Life.

No stranger talking about me - even if we go along the Humanist celebration, there is a total stranger. I have even printed off a number of poems, etc. about mourning and death which are totally non-god, non-religious, non-afterlife. These may or may not be used, I will never know.

24 years ago, when my youngest son died, suddenly - tragically at the age of 25, all of us were horrified by people trying to tell us that he was 'up there' looking down on us - we all knew he was not - he was dead!!! All these years, we still keep his memory very alive, celebrate the life he did have and ensure younger members of the family know all about him. We find this so much nicer, realistic and far more comforting than the 'pie in the sky' kind off talk.

Nothing beats a good Irish wake

Since my husband of 53 yrs passed I’ve arranged my paperwork in such an order my family will know my wishes

It is interesting to see that many people want to go down the no fuss route.
My view is that funerals are an important part of the grieving process for the relatives and friends. The urge to say a proper goodbye us universal ... all cultures have rituals around death (even elephants I believe!) and I think this is for a good reasons.
It respects not just the person who has died but also the value of human life itself. It is a way of saying that life is important and expressing our humanity.
I watched my adult children preparing my OH's funeral. They threw themselves into it and came together to remember him and discuss how they might honour his life. These were valuable conversations.... we shared memories and helped and supported each other.
Indeed when he was unconscious but not about to die, I took them out to lunch at the nearby pub and we talked then about what sort of send off they would like to give him. It was a positive moment that gave them a short break from our vigil and helped them to think of how they could honour him positively.
There were lovely small touches at the wake ... for example everyone was offered a Tunnocks tea cake which had been his favourite. The grieving process was helped by these little things.
Because of all this I have set down some funeral ideas to help them plan, including music that we made together.
I am not sure that the no fuss route is always a kindness to family. In the same way that we will be dead and not know what they actually do, having a funeral to help them grieve when no fuss has been requested would I think be a legitimate thing to do.
The funeral is for the family and friends, and a funeral planned ahead can also be a message of love from the deceased to the mourners.

In Covid I watched a live stream funeral, a chap in his 50’s with a wife and 3 children.

At the end, the mourners filed out, leaving the immediate family to say their final goodbyes.

It felt intrusive, I felt like a voyeur at that point, and thought that it should have been stopped as the mourners left.

I know I could have stopped watching, but it seemed like it was nearly finished, and it just seemed upsetting by then.

I told my daughter in 2020 when I changed my will and took out both powers of attorney that I was looking at cremation only . But she said no mom I want a funeral so said ok . I will pay for it . But she said no it's her responsibility when I die and to spent my money while I am alive.
So said ok you do what you want . She knows my wishes non religious service ,no flowers and no wake . And my ashes will be sprinkled somewhere nice with my husband's. There won't be many at my funeral anyway . Have choose my 3 pieces of music but my taste has changed so must write down the new ones . But to go out it will be the same as her dad's Mr Blue Sky by ELO.

But at nearly 68 not planning on popping my clogs anytime soon.

It’s a goodbye for others close to accept that you’re gone. I’ve pick songs. No church and straight to the crematorium. Cheaper the better. Plenty to eat and drink afterwards. If my possessions can be sold then they can enjoy the proceeds. That’s DH and my youngest son. Hopefully I don’t have a long and painful lingering death. Horrible thought but that’s life. I don’t dwell on it.

Half my (small) family are here in Canada and half in the UK so I've opted for direct cremation