How do I develop a thicker skin?.

AskAlice

I'm like you MawsRosie, I pick up on atmospheres and tension. To add to that, I absolutely hate confrontation. It's a very uncomfortable feeling, isn't it?

But when push comes to shove, I have been known in the past on several occasions to stand up very strongly for myself or my family to the astonishment of those who have been tactless, dismissive or thoughtless. When that has happened in the past, they have backed down pretty damn quickly, probably because they realise that is not my default setting to be quick to take offense and bite back without good reason.

I don't know what to advise, but wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel and can empathise.

Good for you

GrannyGravy13

butterandjam I find your post very hurtful and insensitive.

She also says that this is a lifetime issue since childhood.

She asked, of this specific incident, AIBU, is she over- sensitive?

So I gave her the answer.

Should she continue to see imaginary offence in every harmless friendly exchange? Or, should she try to see other peoples point of view.

She could ask herself, what was SIL's reason for inviting the family to DD's event.

Was it to encourage those who might not have bothered?
Would family attendance and support please DD?

AskAlice

I'm like you MawsRosie, I pick up on atmospheres and tension. To add to that, I absolutely hate confrontation. It's a very uncomfortable feeling, isn't it?

But when push comes to shove, I have been known in the past on several occasions to stand up very strongly for myself or my family to the astonishment of those who have been tactless, dismissive or thoughtless. When that has happened in the past, they have backed down pretty damn quickly, probably because they realise that is not my default setting to be quick to take offense and bite back without good reason.

I don't know what to advise, but wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel and can empathise.

If it was one of my children being criticised or excluded I would say something.
Having children gave me courage!

Otherwise I would probably retreat gracefully.

sixandahalf

Allira

sixandahalf

I do think this type of hurtful behaviour is on the increase. My theory is if we wanted to let somebody down or whatever we had to do it face to face. Now people can do as they please by tapping away. Deleting, blocking, hiding.
It's horrible.

The point is that this was face to face.
Your issue is quite different and really rather irrelevant.

Yes, MawsRosie, it was tasteless and hurtful. Is she usually like this? A strange thing to do.

I have found people round here (not GN! locally) can be very cliquey sometimes. I have belonged to a group for many years but there is a Special Group of Chosen Ones within the group, run by a Queen Bee who make sure others know what a lovely time they all have when they go out for lunches, afternoon teas etc.
I'm not the only one who feels snubbed. After many years, we have decided to leave which is sad.

The all too familiar put down from you.Ah well.

Que?
I have rarely engaged with you!

butterandjam

*Recently at a family lunch I found my sister in law was arranging a date for a “family “ outing to my DD’s Regents Park production (including my son in law’s father). It wasn’t until I sort of “ahemmed” and asked if I was included, that she condescended to ask if I wanted to go too*

The difference between you and me, is that in the above scenario I'd be delighted someone was organising an extended family outing to support DD's production.

SIL, or any reasonable person, would assume that as DD's mother I already had a complimentary ticket and VIP front row seat .

So I would respond to SIL EITHER " That's great, hope you all enjoy it. I'll be at < different performance>, really looking forward to it"

OR " I'll be at the same performance, Already got my ticket"

You're just looking for offence where there was none. A self-made martyr.

Far from being "sensitive", you're demonstrating the opposite; unperceptive and thick-skinned.

Very unkind and uncalled for.

MawsRosie, I can feel for you coming home to atmospheres. My DM was not like that, she would get what she called 'aerated' over something I did sometimes and tell me off (probably well deserved) but there was never an atmosphere.

The all too familiar put down from you.Ah well
🥘 🫖 ⚫️.

Cossy

Ladies (mainly Ladies methinks) can we not have a conversation, a debate or an opinion without coming across as rude and/or completely lacking in empathy?

It seems not, how very sad when in this tough world of ours I thought Gransnet would be a place of refuge and support!

There’s ways and means of disagreeing with people and it doesn’t need to be unpleasant!

Funny though, I’ve found in life those who like to “dish it out” very rarely “take it” when called out!

Hey go, such is life 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I totally agree 👏👏👏

Sorry seems to be the hardest word, both on GN, and also in real life in the OP.

Sorry, I was a bit outspoken with my comment calling you a self-made martyr.

Oops sorry, my thoughts ran away with my relating to it tapping on SM when it was clearly face 2 face being discussed here.

And for the OP's sil, Sorry, of course you're included, my bossiness was out of order. It's your lovely daughter after all.

GrannyGravy13

Cossy

Ladies (mainly Ladies methinks) can we not have a conversation, a debate or an opinion without coming across as rude and/or completely lacking in empathy?

It seems not, how very sad when in this tough world of ours I thought Gransnet would be a place of refuge and support!

There’s ways and means of disagreeing with people and it doesn’t need to be unpleasant!

Funny though, I’ve found in life those who like to “dish it out” very rarely “take it” when called out!

Hey go, such is life 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I totally agree 👏👏👏

Me too.
Well said, Cossy.

MawsRosie

^The all too familiar put down from you.Ah well^
🥘 🫖 ⚫️.

😁
Oh yes, ironic!

MawsRosie you ask,
"How do others handle this?

Just what you did x
You stood up for yourself in the right way, which is assertive and not blaming (even if the person is to blame).

Being sensitive means you naturally pick up on feelings and atmospheres, and have concerns about how you might affect others as well as spotting when you are being ignored and bullied.

Blame doesn't heal, in these situations in family and close friends/contacts.

I'm not sure one can develop a thicker skin as such, but can try to live better with a thin skin and recognise put downs and practice doing what you did. Not being so afraid one might "damage" others.

Possibly consider their thoughtlessness isn't just directed at you, but they do it to all in their orbit.

And that old old bit of advice - consider you are indeed worth loving and respecting yourself. Easy to say, hard to do, worth practicing x

👏👏👏

butterandjam, time to stop digging.

Rosie's i have a similar sister in law. Sadly she now has dementia.

Allira

MawsRosie

The all too familiar put down from you.Ah well
🥘 🫖 ⚫️.

😁
Oh yes, ironic!

Please could you alert me to what was wrong with my comment?

It was possibly a bit wide of the mark and too general.

I don't really like paella too much but thanks anyway.

MawsRosie

^The all too familiar put down from you.Ah well^
🥘 🫖 ⚫️.

I don't understand this. Thanks

Please.

This is a thread started by a poster who asked for advice about a Real Life problem.

sixandahalf

MawsRosie

The all too familiar put down from you.Ah well
🥘 🫖 ⚫️.

I don't understand this. Thanks

Inadéquate graphics- I was aiming for ‘pot, kettle and black’ 🤣🤣🤣

butterandjam

*Recently at a family lunch I found my sister in law was arranging a date for a “family “ outing to my DD’s Regents Park production (including my son in law’s father). It wasn’t until I sort of “ahemmed” and asked if I was included, that she condescended to ask if I wanted to go too*

The difference between you and me, is that in the above scenario I'd be delighted someone was organising an extended family outing to support DD's production.

SIL, or any reasonable person, would assume that as DD's mother I already had a complimentary ticket and VIP front row seat .

So I would respond to SIL EITHER " That's great, hope you all enjoy it. I'll be at < different performance>, really looking forward to it"

OR " I'll be at the same performance, Already got my ticket"

You're just looking for offence where there was none. A self-made martyr.

Far from being "sensitive", you're demonstrating the opposite; unperceptive and thick-skinned.

How incredibly rude and patronising!

I too absolutely hate, tension, an atmosphere and confrontation. The trouble is I have a very long fuse but when it blows it BLOWS and I take no prisoners.

kittylester

*butterandjam*, time to stop digging.

Rosie's i have a similar sister in law. Sadly she now has dementia.

So sorry to hear that Kittylester it’s a thought though.

I am really sorry to hear that you were treated like this. Your SIL sounds like one of those bossy types or Queen Bees. Sadly, the discerning manners most of us were brought up with, are swiftly disappearing. The way people behave and what they say is usually a reflection of them and not you.

SpinDriftCoastal

I am really sorry to hear that you were treated like this. Your SIL sounds like one of those bossy types or Queen Bees. Sadly, the discerning manners most of us were brought up with, are swiftly disappearing. The way people behave and what they say is usually a reflection of them and not you.

👏👏👏👏👏