People who drop out at the last minute

I would like to think people wouldn't just drop people for a better offer. I do know lots of people suffer from social anxiety and I suppose the more we get out of doing things, the more that anxiety can raise it's ugly head. Although I suffer a bit from this myself, I do try and give good notice if I feel I cannot make an event (I've got a lot better though )

I would just tell her 'here's what the rest of us have decided, in your absence.' It's bad manners unless there's a very good reason

I do understand that, but don't understand why anxious people accept in the first place. I wouldn't accept an invitation to go potholing, as I know I don't want to do it and would hyperventilate at the thought of going underground. If someone knows they won't want to go to a party, why say they will come?

The lunch thing is really something of a 'last straw'. The friend involved doesn't do it often, but I am annoyed because it happens with others to the point where I almost expect it now.

Grandmabatty

I would just tell her 'here's what the rest of us have decided, in your absence.' It's bad manners unless there's a very good reason

Yes, I'd be happy with that, but I think I'd be overruled.

I suppose people react in the moment. What might feel okay at the time, they might build up to something more terrifying than it actually is.

I think life events, health scares, care responsibilities - even the weather-might add to anxieties that may only surface that day.

I'm not excusing it at all, just thinking of actual reasons.

I wouldn't agree to anything like potholing but I wouldn't leave someone sitting alone in a cafe or on a clifftop either.

I've noticed my Mum gets more worried about driving to places these days. I on't know why as she has always been such a competent driver, driving all across Europe without a second thought. I suppose that is confidence. I hope your lunch goes okay doodledog. I would love to come

I absolutely agree with you Doodledog. Barring emergencies I would never cancel at short notice. Yesterday I had agreed to meet a friend for lunch. The day before we were told that our road would be closed at both ends. My family urged me to postpone my lunch meeting but I said I would get there somehow. Well I had to negotiate heavy lorries moving backwards and forwards ,drive over channels in the road and tarmac only to be told at one end I could only exit at the other! This meant a huge detour to meet my friend but I did it and was satisfied. No doubt my friend would have been happy to postpone as there were only two of us involved but I would have hated letting her down the evening before.

If the arrangement today was for you all to plan a future event then just go ahead without the absentee and if the plans aren’t too her liking then tough.

I dont have it happen.
Good reasons are ok.
Bad ones are not.

I would say in future, to the people who are the problem ones, "are you really going to turn up, or not"? "I have to get food in". Or whatever.

If they keep reoffending, then I would then drop them, if they hadnt mended their ways.

I think another reason why this sort of thing nowadays seems much more common is the use of mobile phones and the internet.

Years ago, if you had agreed to do something and then couldn’t (for whatever reason) it was much more difficult to ‘let others know’. Many people didn’t have a home telephone, and it probably meant writing a letter!

Now just a quick text or whats app, if you’re lucky.

Plus I honestly think many just don’t care about letting others down.

No sense of duty or obligation.

Very easy to use ‘issues’ as an excuse, (not talking about genuine illness on the day).

Don't arrange lunch next time either arrange to go out somewhere or if you want have quiet to make arrangements, either morning coffee or tea & cake early afternoon, that way you not catering for no shows.

Digressing slightly, I am always horrified by the no shows at the GP surgery. We had 104 in April. Scandalous when it is difficult to get an appointment in the first place.

In defence of some people who drop out some of us have illnesses that vary from day to day meaning one day you are fine to go out and the next you can hardly get out of bed. Cancelling for me is sometimes a necessity as I just can't make it. I always tell the host when the invitation is made and they say it is OK. I often have to bring my own food. But, yes, there are flakey people around who just can't be bothered and I think it is worse among the younger generation.

I think it’s very bad manners to let someone down. I had a so called friend who constantly thought it was ok to phone me the day before our meet up to postpone because of a whist drive or some social jolly at the golf club. We always got our diaries out to plan our next meet up. I got so fed up I just let the friendship go and I don’t miss her one little bit!

I am happy to host, and always have been. What I'm not happy about is people dropping out, and that applies to meetings in venues as much as to ones at home.

It's the lack of consideration as much as anything - the unsaid implication that their time is more valuable than others'.

What really irritates is when something is paid for on the day, and those who drop out expect not to have to pay, so those who did brave the weather or whatever end up paying more than expected. A group I'm in had a Christmas party in a local venue which had been priced at £30 a head. Several people dropped out, but the food, staffing and room hire had to be covered, so it ended up with attendees being charged £45, which could easily have been out of budget for those without a lot of spare cash. As it was, the organiser had to make up the difference on the night, as not everyone had money on them, and it was the Devil's own job getting it all in after the event. Only a few non-attenders offered the money, even when they knew they were putting others out of pocket - very selfish, IMO.

I agree that phones make it easier to drop out now, Calendargirl, but even that is one-sided. If you're the one who's booked the table or cooked the food it's not much consolation to get a message ten minutes before you are ready to start. Waiting staff are often annoyed when a table's been reserved for ten and only six turn up. For bigger parties extra staff might have been brought in, or other groups may have been turned away.

Of course, in a situation such as Greenfinch describes it's fine to pull out, but 'feeling a cold coming on' or 'I've had a last minute invitation to have lunch with the grandchildren' is not the same at all.

A group I'm in had a Christmas party in a local venue which had been priced at £30 a head. Several people dropped out, but the food, staffing and room hire had to be covered, so it ended up with attendees being charged £45,

Maybe it is more of a done thing in certain areas?
I dont know of it happening around here. Thankfully.

To OP, I'd say 'That's a shame you're not coming, because I've made your favourite Eton Mess'

Trying to organise sociable occasions around regular no-shows is a nightmare. Do such people think others don't notice?

Lastly if money is involved, as Doodledog just described, then money upfront when the booking is formalised, is a must. My pet peeve is joint presents for big birthdays or work farewells. Recently someone said they'd contribute to a group present, but on the day, turned up with a small present of their own, so the organiser paid their share as well as her own.

Greenfinch

Digressing slightly, I am always horrified by the no shows at the GP surgery. We had 104 in April. Scandalous when it is difficult to get an appointment in the first place.

I was put down as a no-show at our surgery after THEY cancelled my appointment at short notice. I didn't know until I had an appointment a few months later and the first thing the GP did was berate me for the supposed no-show, which was put on my records! I have NEVER failed to turn up for an appointment.
Since then, I have been a little skeptical about supposed no-show figures.

Sorry you've been let down Doodledog, your frustration is understandable. What was the reason your friend gave for pulling out this morning- at the last minute?

I think when it's not a pattern and when there is a reason that makes sense, it's much easier to accept as one of life's unexpected curve balls. But if it's because a friend has got a better offer thats somewhat rude and thoughtless and I would be upset.

If a person accepts and invitation they are then committed, bar ill health or accident. Commitment should mean commitment at the end of the day, whether it's a friend or a larger group.

Nowadays, when I organise a group meals for our local U3A , most restaurants are now requesting a deposit for large groups- usually a nominal amount e.g £6- though for the Christmas meal is generally a larger amount. Members pay the deposit happily as they realise the restaurants still need to pay their staff and buy the food in for the group. Food, heating and staff cost money. Someone who drops out (and it doesn't happen often) has the option of finding someone else to take their place also.

Consideration makes the world a much happier place.

And it’s the same ones that do it all the time.

It is, Harris, and they tend not to do it of they've paid a deposit.

As I say, in this case the friend isn't a serial offender (she's not feeling well), but it happens a lot with others, and as I'd made an effort with the food I was annoyed when I posted.