Instant dislike

omega1

its better to be tolerant. other people in the group may not like you but don't show it. She is only one person who proably wants to have some friends. Be friendly to her. You ha\ve nothing to lose.

This!

It actually hurts me to think that people can make such snap decisions about someone they have literally only just met, without very real justification.

My mother was judgmental like that, disliking/talking disparagingy about neighbours and new acquaintances who weren't exactly like her.

No one has to 'like' everyone, but a reasonable level of tolerance and inclusion is surely a good thing in groups that are open to new members (as opposed to close friendship groups).

I do have a feeling about certain people, but would never judge at first aquaintance., usually my first instinct is right..

It would be wonderful to a perfect person and model of tolerance but, unfortunately, I'm not! I know all the things I should think and feel but, alas, I just don't. I'm only human.

They recon people make a decision very quickly about someone. Have you ever decided against someone , then changed your mind only to find your first impression was correct. Not saying this is correct but !!!

You sound very wise to me, Aveline, and I suspect you will be comforted at the next coffee do - the one without said individual….
Life’s too short not to listen to your instincts!

Hi we have someone in our group is a bit like you described I chat to her and pass the time of day and then move on with someone else they all know her but i think she has a problem so we just skirt around her dont get to close , dont stop going to the meetings

There's a local group I'd like to join but I'm scared I might 'be' the person you are talking about - I'm a bit shy and it makes me talk too much ... I think I'll stay home 'in the safe'! I dont know how to read replies on this site ...

A new person started at work and I took an immediate dislike to her as she was brash and loud, however, she really grew on me as she worked hard and was always prepared to go above and beyond and help others. Looking back I think she was initially anxious at joining an established group so overcompensated. I’m glad I gave her a chance.

It’s hard to say without knowing the group number and dynamics but if she makes you feel that awful, I’d have to not go. I think this can happen with people occasionally. We had a tradesperson in to do some work and I instantly disliked him. In fact that doesn’t even describe it. I wanted him out of the house and could barely speak to him. It wasn’t based on anything particular and it isn’t at all common for me to feel like this but my husband was up for asking him to do another job for us and it ended in a huge row because I couldn’t agree.
I don’t know why these things happen. You can only take it as it comes I think. If it pans out ok eventually, so be it. If it becomes impossible, you’ll need to see some of your friends there at another time, I think.

Groups! Not easy to navigate. I am on the outide of a couple but have no wish or energy to be further "in"
It's an uncomfortable feeling somehow.

I’d carry on attending Aveline - joining in but not oversharing your personal issues.

greyfur

Groups! Not easy to navigate. I am on the outide of a couple but have no wish or energy to be further "in"
It's an uncomfortable feeling somehow.

This is very true, and as Sleepyhead52 as said earlier it can lead to a person not even trying to join a group in case they become ‘that person’. The thing is when someone comes on here saying they feel lonely etc., the first thing we advise is to join a group. Obviously easier said than done.

Women's groups are notorious for being "clicky" they usually have a "pecking order" with the organizers and followers and relationships evolve. It's not easy for new members to join, being too pushy or loud is a mortal sin, most new members will have been introduced by a friend.

My first wife "didnt do" groups she had a few close friends and family, second wife is the opposite, dives in and gets along easily with everyone male or female. I can't imagine her disliking anyone and finds common conversation very quickly.

Mens groups are different if someone male or female is loud and pushy they are likely to be voted on to the committee, then they have to prove how good they are. Myself, I spent 40 yrs doing leadership, these days Im happy to support to group leaders in whatever way I can

It's not a formal group. Just a bunch of ladies who meet up for coffee.

How many ‘women’s groups’ have you been part of, David?

I would say that ‘cliques’ are inevitable in any groups with open membership, as some people are drawn to one another more than to others in the group. That works in the mixed-sex groups I’m in in the same way as in women’s groups. It was the same at work, too.

It’s about people, not women in particular. Some like to dominate and others to follow. Not all groups need leaders, though, which is one way problems can arise, as there are those who feel the need to organise others, whether they like it or not.

Doodledog

How many ‘women’s groups’ have you been part of, David?

I would say that ‘cliques’ are inevitable in any groups with open membership, as some people are drawn to one another more than to others in the group. That works in the mixed-sex groups I’m in in the same way as in women’s groups. It was the same at work, too.

It’s about people, not women in particular. Some like to dominate and others to follow. Not all groups need leaders, though, which is one way problems can arise, as there are those who feel the need to organise others, whether they like it or not.

Spot on.
Group dynamics usually evolves to a point where established members have formed a friendship group rather than a clique, they probably regularly WhatsApp each other and even visit each other in their homes. A new member being introduced will not automatically be included in this friendship group though she/he will be a part of the group when they meet.
Is hard to be the newbie but equally can be difficult for the friendship group to shift their normal patterns of talking together etc., to accommodate a new person.
Sometimes it works and the newbie becomes a member of the group, other times it doesn’t, but as Aveline outlines, it can be difficult for everyone.

There are six in the group I belong too and they are all nice ladies. However, there is one who dominates every conversation and cuts right across others when they try to say something. Studying her I have noticed she's not listening to others but thinking of what she's going to say next. I am meeting up with them less as she is really irritating me now. What to do? Having been widowed for nearly three years I need to get out and chat to people but this person is driving me away.

You are quite right about the need to get out and chat to people. We had started as a casual group who met up after a class.
Are there classes you could join charliebb? It's certainly what I'm thinking of doing. Also I sometimes set up social meetings for neighbours. All that's done is a post on WhatsApp saying we'll be having a drink in a named venue and whoever wants to join us come along. That way we meet new neighbours and catch up with old ones. I enjoy hearing the stories exchanged. We're not best friends and I don't like all of them but this loose sort of socialising is generally enjoyable.

I regularly join in my wife's groups as a guest, you see the closed clicks, the huddles, and I understand why it can be difficult for new women to join, it only takes one existing member to take a dislike for whatever reason and the gossip spreads.

Im not going to believe that gossip and bitching does not happen amongst women

Same here, my spider senses are rarely inaccurate. Only once ever have completely reversed an immediate dislike, of a girl DS dated briefly at 15, who turned out to be really delightful.

I’d keep a distance and be very cautious about what could be overheard by someone I doubted.

Yes. There are certainly things I won't talk about in front of this person. It's quite difficult to just turn off the conversation though. I disagree profoundly with some of the things she says but don't comment (although I have no control over my face!)

A lady has recently joined our walking group. She is a friend of the so called 'leader.'. I can't warm to her at all! The problem is that it has upset the dynamics of our small group - only 10 of us but rarely all turn up. I'll stick with it but avoid walking with her for now and hopefully things with settle soon.

Aveline, this woman you instantly took a dislike to may be hiding something, may feel intensely uncomfortable and have pushed herself to go. She may be shy and overcompensating, coming over as loud. You actually know nothing at all about her so give her a chance. Gut feelings are not reliable unless based on evidence of the same situation before but this can't possibly have happened because you just don't know her. Sit with your usual friends, keep your ear to the ground and if you sense others are also feeling uncomfortable around this person talk to them. You should definitely not stop going because of something that might not even exist, and if she does turn out to be somebody who is really not a pleasant person, you can ignore her.

We've likely all attended some groups, voluntarily or otherwise. There's always someone who grates on us. I remember school staff room's. In the end we tend to gravitate towards those we connect with. It is trickier when we voluntarily join a group as we don't usually have any control over who joins. So I guess we have to go along with 'all are welcome'. Thereafter different scenarios develop. So probably it is wiser to go with the flow. If it becomes unbearable then you have to decide whether or not you wish to stay. It's harder if the group is established and small. as there's no escape from that one person who we find irritating and dislike. But maybe give it a while and see how things settle.

I’ve always had a half serious wish to enter a convent, but having to get along with someone objectionable to me would certainly test my faith!
Maybe a silent order would fit the bill?