Group dynamics.

As we all get a bit older, how reasonable is it to expect others of our age to change who they are? Should we just 'suck up' irritations and, outside of gross aberrations, accept people even when they irritate us?

I have a group of friends who I love dearly. We have been on holiday together and enjoyed many nights out, nights in and so on, and I would miss any of them if things changed.

But. Two of them seem to be annoying one another. Both are independent women who have no husbands, and are used to thinking of themselves first. Fine. As we age, life experiences do shape us, and I do understand someone who has lived for ages not wanting to be told what to do. People do get stuck in their ways, but IMO have to recognise that so do others.

Both of the women I mention are dominant personalities in different ways - one is much more passive aggressive than the other, but for me, and for the fourth member of our little group - the end result is the same, really. They both want control. Passive aggressiveness infuriates me, so I am more inclined to feel support for the more aggressive one, but then I'm not keen on that either 🙄.

This plays out in ways that might seem trivial, but it's things like A might say 'I thought we'd get something to eat on the way home?' and B will say, 'I'm not hungry' almost as a challenge, and the stage is set.

Equally, B is very capable of announcing that she is hungry, and we all have to stop and eat as a result, so I'm not siding with one or the other.

Whatever one wants to do, the other doesn't, and the whole shebang becomes fraught. Neither of them asks the four of us what we want to do, which would be my preferred approach, but as I don't drive, I don't have a say, really.

As an example, we recently ended up in a place that A had suggested and B didn't like, and B threatened to go home, getting a relative to collect her. A, who was driving, pretended to take her at her word and said, 'OK, see you next week'. Awkard.

As it was, B backed down and we all went to the place A wanted to go to, but it was a difficult situation. I get it - by older age, some people have had enough of being co-opted into things they don't fancy. Others are just used to doing what they like when they like, and think if they fancy fish and chips on the pier then a steak pie in a pub or a curry just doesn't cut it. Both of those things make sense. But when there are four of you trying to navigate a day out, how do you make it work?

I don't mind going with the flow. I would say in advance if I had to be back early for some reason, and not go if that would get in the way. Let's assume I am C, and that D is fairly easy going and, like me, just goes with the flow.

But what would you do about the tension between A and B? I think that if we were younger, the group would split, but as it is, I think it would be a shame if that happened, as we do get on, and have had so many good times together.