What do i do

Well tell her you ll pay she can choose the car seats and install them herself , and give you a lesson She really can’t have it all her way if she needs help and you’re willing to give it then
she ll have to compromise won’t she ?

I've said I will buy whatever she wants me to have. I would spend whatever to make sure they're safe. She's quite happy to leave kids with me overnight so it can't be that she doesn't trust me to look after them.

BlueBelle

Well tell her you ll pay she can choose the car seats and install them herself , and give you a lesson She really can’t have it all her way if she needs help and you’re willing to give it then
she ll have to compromise won’t she ?

Great suggestion.

Also you could perhaps walk with them somewhere, or she could drop them over to you.

There’s lots of ways to help our children when they have children and also work.

Does she have a partner?

Just ask her what it is she’d like you to do to help?

Personally I think she has post natal depression. Her husband said shes tried to get help for it but dr wont take her seriously

Tell your daughter you are willing to buy any car seat she may wish to recommend so that you could take the toddlers out occasionally to give her a break and "its completely up to you if that is something you would like to help you out" Ask her what might help- she may or Amy not have suggestions- she will either open up a discussion or close it down. Ie open, none judgemental equations, not implying any criticism.

The decision is your daughter's whether to accept of reject any offers of help and support.

If not just let your daughter carry on complaining she is struggling- she may just want to sound off and complain to get things off her chest.

If the father is on the scene maybe have a quiet word with him- sharing what your daughter is saying and discussing the situation- again in a none judgemental, none critical way- just how are things? etc

If he's not open to that discussion- accept the status quo. On visits perhaps you could take some cooked food, e,g like a lasagne, shepherds pie etc that could be a family meal the next day. That saves cooking one meal at least! I would have been overjoyed if my mum had done that after chid birth- instead she brought cream cakes and she knew I didn't like cream! 😊

Horsewench

Personally I think she has post natal depression. Her husband said shes tried to get help for it but dr wont take her seriously

Ahh- perhaps a discussion with her health visitor might be more productive- more time available and expert in child development and mother's health in conjunction.

Horsewench

Personally I think she has post natal depression. Her husband said shes tried to get help for it but dr wont take her seriously

Seriously, tell your daughter to go back to GP and ask to see someone else, or go with her.

She does need this checked.

She doesnt have time to drop them over to me. She lives miles from anywhere do walking with them isnt an option. This is why I need car seats. Her husband works hard but isnt the most savvy about the kids. She is so particular and it has to ber her way. If I try to help I get put down. I try not to get upset but it hurts.

My DD has the same attitude and I've come to the conclusion she doesn't trust my ability to drive. She trusts me to care for the children overnight, she's happy for me to swim with them in our local pool and other activities - but not for me to take them in my carThere seems to be almost a 'vendetta' with over 60's drivers - could this be her problem?

Up until a year ago I was a lorry driver. Im not allowed to rake older one swimming as I have a bad back . I think she would be safer in pool with lifeguard and other people around than home alone with me . But thats her choice. She doesnt think her husband fits kids in seats properly.

We seen to have a compete duplicate thread can you maybe ask HQ to take one down Horsewrench

So it's not that she doesn't trust you driving - sometimes people just get in this rut where they see themselves as martyrs & that fulfills a need for them. If she's telling you she wishes she had more help & then trying to sabotage any help, maybe she's got like that.

I think she should try the GP / health visitor about PND again.

I found it more of a responsibility driving my grandchildren around than I did in driving my own children. I also remember freaking out when my step daughter looking after our children for the day, when I rang her asking her how they were, and she told me she'd driven from our place in West London up to North London to see her brother, their half brother. Ridiculous really it was based on my own hatred of negotiating heavy London traffic, my irrational thoughts run riot, Perhaps it's the fear your daughter has about them being driven by anyone other than herself or her o/h.

If her husband is not savvy about the kids- you could try helping him become more savvy- he is their father after all and they are the parents. They decide together what works best for their family. Savvy husband- more supported wife and Mum.

Car seats can be fitted in 2 ways- properly and safely according to instructions or wrongly and unsafe. Check yourself how you SIL is fitting the car seats and steer him in the right direction. Then he can take the children out for a drive to help his wife. If he is in fact fitting the car seats safely you know your daughter's criticism is misplaced. That may or may be not part and parcel of some depressive illness or just her personality.