Disappointed in friend

Biscuitmuncher

We've been friends for over forty years. We have very different lifestyles, she's single and childless I'm married with children. As the years have gone on I realise we are very different politically but it's never bothered me. We do go on trips away I always joke that we always compromise and do what she wants. But here lies my problem I'm the one who always has to call her, I'm finding it more than frustrating. I have a part time job, she doesn't after an awful health issue. I don't know why shes like this

She probably does not want to hear about your family as she does not have one and may feel sad she is not experiencing family life like most people do, you need to keep the conversation to things that interest her and is common to you both. Nothing worse than hearing about other people's grandchildren and wonderful visits, when you cannot experience that yourself unless it is by choice, even then you would probably prefer not to talk about that anyway. I know that applies to me. W|e are more than aware what we are missing without having it rubbed in all the time.

Lesley60

Wow she’s lucky having a sex life at 86

Absolutely this

I’ve got a friend who’s childless. We go back a long time so our friendship is important to me. She is childless and I have children but, unlike her no family. And she has much more of a social life than I have. I was concerned for her living alone when she had a knee op. If I phone her we chat for ages and she’ll usually say she was thinking of phoning me. But the only time she ever has phoned me was when her dad died and she wanted someone to talk to. Last time I spoke to her I mentioned that I’d had a test that showed high cholesterol ( something I know she suffers from and wanted some advice) and that my mobility was making me virtually housebound. I didn’t bang on about health problems and we had our usual chat about films, music ( we both love folk music) and politics ( she’s Conservative I’m Labour but we’re both anti Brexit). I did think that she’d phone me to see how I was getting on cholesterol wise ( I checked up on her when she had a new knee) but she never did. I always resolve not to phone her if she doesn’t phone me but eventually crack. I just wish that one day she’d phone me to ask how I was. Annoyingly she doesn’t do social media because I find that is a much better way of keeping in touch but without taking up anyone’s time.

86! Hope for us all!

Some people are just anxious about inviting other people to spend time with them - I know I am.
Not totally sure why it is, I hate phones so that doesn't help, but the main thinng I think is I don't have much self-confidence & I don't want people to spend time with me because they feel sorry for me. I'd rather they spontaneously asked me cos that way I know they want to meet up.
Maybe some of your friends are like me - I have learnt over the years that many worries that I thought were unique to me, are actually pretty widespread.

I have had a very dear friend since we were age 12 (both now 74). She lives in my hometown in the States, but we have always stayed in touch, although I have moved many times (different states in the US, and then me moving to England 27 years ago.) Used to be letters, then emails, now Whatsapp free phone calls. She has always been as many of you have described. If I get in touch, she is so happy to hear from me and we can talk for at least an hour on the phone. She asks about my children and grandchildren, so it is not one-sided. She is married, coming up to 50 years, and will share her family's activities etc. Over the years, I have been so frustrated at her inability to make the first move, but many years ago, an agony aunt in the paper was responding to a similar issue and she advised to ask yourself this question: Is my life improved by having her in it, or not. Then act accordingly. I have reminded myself of that many times, and the answer is always that my life is much happier with her in it, not least because we share so much personal history (to say nothing experiencing historical events that have shaped our lives.) So I can't say I rush to the phone very often these days, but three or fours times a year, I make the call and end up feeling good, usually laughing, and very much like I am actually lucky to still have her as a friend.

MissAdventure

I'm much the same these days.
I'm aware I've got the most boring life ever, and I don't want to put on people.
Perhaps I alienate people (or maybe I'm just dislikeable, anyway)

I would not worry. My life is so boring, I have nothing to talk about because I am happy doing my own thing. I find a lot of people expect you to fit in with their 'schedule'. As soon as they use that word, I take for the hills. I like to do what I fancy on the day. I am no good at set days each week.

Why shouldn't she have a sex-life at 86? Good on her! (Might be better to be discreet about the details though - and that goes for any age!)

Bah! Spoilsport!

I dont know why your friend does not initiate conversations but I know what that is like. I find it monumentally difficult to start conversations, make phone calls and just make initial contact at all. I will over think it for days, sometimes weeks and probably will still not do it. Maybe your friend is also like this

I've lost count of the amount of times so called friends have said "we will definitely have to meet up " and then never have so now I just have the one friend that I know is there for me as I am for her and that's fine by me

win so you think I shouldn't speak about the main thing in my life to someone I've known since I was 18? Bizarre!

Kartush

I dont know why your friend does not initiate conversations but I know what that is like. I find it monumentally difficult to start conversations, make phone calls and just make initial contact at all. I will over think it for days, sometimes weeks and probably will still not do it. Maybe your friend is also like this

I've found that I've got like this, of late.
Then it's sometimes so long, that I think I had probably better not contact people after all.

Whilst I can see why most of you are fed up with so-called-friends who don't initiate contact, if my friends were like that with me I would have none at all. I have a phone phobia. I didn't know that I had until after I retired. Basically for most of my life I either didn't have a phone or used it purely out of necessity (work, making appointments etc). Almost all my friends were pretty local and we found ourselves at the same church/coffee morning/folk club by accident and it wasn't till later in life that people started to move away - to be nearer family for example. - that the phone became a real part of life. About the same time, email grew in popularity and I found it much less intrusive myself to send an email so the person could reply at leisure (and vice versa). Even after retirement I was busy with hobbies and charities etc so I often didn't have hours of spare time at once.

Now of course I regret not phoning people more often and not recognising that many folks just do not do emails. That doesn't mean I don't want to hear from them or can't be bothered, it simply means my phobia didn't improve. And I'm now wary of interrupting people if I phone and struggle to handle it if they are clearly busy.

So please don't cut off people who might be like me. I don't think I am a selfish friend in that I would always want to listen to how things are in their lives and not over-impose my own situation. Many of these friends that some of you imagine I have neglected would be straight on the phone to me (I hope) if they had a problem they needed my help with cos I've often been told that I'm good at that! And it doesn't bother me one jot if they aren't able to help me with something I need.

Some people are just anxious about inviting other people to spend time with them - I know I am.
Not totally sure why it is, I hate phones so that doesn't help, but the main thinng I think is I don't have much self-confidence & I don't want people to spend time with me because they feel sorry for me. I'd rather they spontaneously asked me cos that way I know they want to meet up.
Maybe some of your friends are like me - I have learnt over the years that many worries that I thought were unique to me, are actually pretty widespread.
That message was from Valdali and I think it is helpful - many people cannot imagine feeling like that so do not understand why a particular friend does not contact them. It is a hard place to be when you are not sure if people want to hear from you - but hard to understand if you do not feel like that.

I'm going out for lunch today with a new friend .
We are never too old to make new friends.

MissAdventure

Kartush

I dont know why your friend does not initiate conversations but I know what that is like. I find it monumentally difficult to start conversations, make phone calls and just make initial contact at all. I will over think it for days, sometimes weeks and probably will still not do it. Maybe your friend is also like this

I've found that I've got like this, of late.
Then it's sometimes so long, that I think I had probably better not contact people after all.

Yes I do that too - leave it too long, meaning to contact every day, then feel so bad about the delay that I just give up & wait for them.

MissAdventure

Kartush

I dont know why your friend does not initiate conversations but I know what that is like. I find it monumentally difficult to start conversations, make phone calls and just make initial contact at all. I will over think it for days, sometimes weeks and probably will still not do it. Maybe your friend is also like this

I've found that I've got like this, of late.
Then it's sometimes so long, that I think I had probably better not contact people after all.

Well I’m afraid that it’s people like you that are making me anti social in the real world because I’m more than happy chatting to my internet chums and you lighten my day! I really miss you when you don’t post!

That's a lovely thing to say MayBee70 😊

Biscuitmuncher - there must be a reason why you always compromise to do what your friend wants - is it that you enjoy her company or you're just lonely? The answer to that is important. If you enjoy her company then mention to her that you've noticed it's always you to do the calling and await the response. You say she's childless, you're not - maybe she thinks you have more pulls on your time. You need to know why you do the bidding in the relationship and that will tell you whether to continue with it. Incidentally, the statement that politically you disagree is interesting since whether you are in favour of or against concepts like nationalisation of resources, migration, etc., seems to be absolutely fundamental to whether you can get on with someone, especially if you go away together. You need to learn more about what makes this friend tick.