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Lockdown has made me realise I have absolutely no friends.

(181 Posts)
Kandinsky Mon 06-Jul-20 07:45:07

No ‘how are you coping?’ phone calls or messages. No door stop visits. No dropping off a cake to cheer me up.

Nothing.

At 57 I’ll just have to accept that apart from my husband & children, no one really cares.

Anyone else in this position?

Just to add, I have had a few friends over the years, usually work colleagues who are lovely when I’m around, but once I leave they just don’t bother keeping in touch. ( whereas I know they keep in touch with others )

At 57 I just feel too old to try & make new friends. I guess I just have to accept I’m not particularly popular or worth keeping in touch with.

Kittye Mon 06-Jul-20 07:55:16

Have you tried contacting others ? They may be feeling the same

Sunlover Mon 06-Jul-20 08:01:03

You are never too old to make new friends. I’m 67 and 6 years ago joined a book group. I knew a couple of the ladies but most were new to me. Best decision I made was going along to that first meeting. Last year we all had a weeks holiday together and are booked to repeat in September. Seeing them all later today.
Be brave and join different groups. I’m sure you will find other people who are looking for friendship.

Furret Mon 06-Jul-20 08:11:25

Like Kittye my first question would be ‘who have you contacted yourself?’

Urmstongran Mon 06-Jul-20 08:15:08

Sorry to hear you feel friend-less Kandinsky. You’re definitely not to old to make friends! I’m fortunate to have them at home but when I retired almost 6y ago and started to spend more time out here in Malaga I made some new ones too.

You’ve kinda got to ‘put yourself out there’ a bit as no-one is going to come knocking for you. If you work you’re availability will be restricted but there’s lots of groups or activities you could join. Or start your own book club/crafting group?

Are you shy or sociable? I’m sure your nice and perhaps you’re just feeling a bit down right now? Good luck going forward. Smile until it’s real. Happy people attract others.
😊

Whitewavemark2 Mon 06-Jul-20 08:23:59

kandinsky. Why not decide to make something positive about your realisation that you have no friends?

Look up volunteering and as lock down eases see if there is something you can give to the community. Join the WI or a club that takes your fancy. How about ramblers? Evening classes?

Be pro-active. Then relax, don’t be needy it puts people off. I’m sure even if you don’t make “ a friend” as such you will enjoy the experiences.

Tbh I can’t say that I have a best friend now. My best friend died a couple of years ago. I do have friends but no longer a best one.

Kandinsky Mon 06-Jul-20 08:25:13

I haven’t contacted anyone during lockdown because I haven’t got any friends to contact.
Over the years I have tried keeping in touch with a few people, but more often than not my suggestions to meet up are met with excuses why they can’t, or we meet up once or twice & then it just dwindles into nothing. I know that’s partly my fault, but I have a bit of a complex about appearing too ‘needy’ - I’m essentially quite shy, which doesn’t help when you’re trying to make & keep friends.

sunlover that’s really good to hear.
Thank you.

Kandinsky Mon 06-Jul-20 08:26:45

A couple of lovely x posts there.

Tuppence15 Mon 06-Jul-20 08:27:30

Yes Kandinsky I am in that position. It has been an incredibly lonely year.
And for those who say “ who have you contacted” your missing the point. If you don’t know anyone you have no one to contact.

Oldwoman70 Mon 06-Jul-20 08:29:07

I am in the same position. I am the one who always contacts "friends" not one has phoned/emailed/texted me first. I have no family and during lockdown the only people I saw were the lovely supermarket delivery drivers. I feel that it is only when I make contact that they remember I exist.

We hear wonderful stories of people helping the elderly with food parcels etc. yet I feel there is a large forgotten group who, whilst coping and not in need of any physical help would like some human contact.

sodapop Mon 06-Jul-20 08:42:16

I agree with Urmstongran and Whitewave it's hard if you are not a naturally outgoing person Kandinsky but take some gradual steps to meeting new people. Volunteering, hobby groups etc are all good ways of meeting people. Relax and enjoy any activity you get involved with, friendships like any relationship take time and patience. Good luck.

janeainsworth Mon 06-Jul-20 08:52:53

I think a lot of people who might otherwise be reasonably sociable have felt rather down & perhaps depressed by lockdown.

I’ve ring a few people up and a few people have rung me. But essentially, after the usual how-are-you-fine-thanks, the next question is ‘what have you been up to?’
To which the answer is ‘nothing really’ and after a while, having spent 20 minutes rubbishing the government for its acts and omissions, you start to think what’s the point. Phone calls are a poor substitute for face to face meetings.

If you really have no friends Kandinsky I’m not sure why lockdown would make any difference?
But 57 isn’t old. You’ve got plenty of time to re-establish friendships or make new ones. But it does need some effort and casual friendships are quite different from those with people you’ve known for years and become emotionally close to whether by shared circumstances or interests, or because there’s a certain emotional bond or link. And the latter are rare, in my experience.

Luckyoldbeethoven Mon 06-Jul-20 08:55:36

I'm another one who has friends who are only friends if I do all the work. It seems to me that luck is part of it, I'm tired of people with wonderful neighbours or book clubs that turn into holiday pals.
We moved a few years ago and I have done my best to make friends with little success. Our neighbours barely wave, the activities I've joined are fine but no one wants more than the activities themselves. The biggest shock is the WI where not only do the members talk only to their existing 'friends' but in the lockdown all activity and contact totally ceased because 'they all know each other' or they are shielding.
I think there's something horribly wrong with the UK these days. I used to be chatty and lively, never lots of friends but a few, now I feel very discouraged. Kandinsky you are not alone.

OceanMama Mon 06-Jul-20 08:59:55

I think a lot of people are busy just coping. I admit I did contact someone last week who I really should have contacted two months ago. I hope they understand that I have a lot of managing of other things that have been exacerbated by the whole lock down thing. It's been quite demanding. I suppose I don't need to feel bad though as they hadn't contacted me either.

Sorry you are feeling alone. Maybe this could be a good time to join a local community group online and try to make some connections? There are quite a few Zoom groups meeting at the moment.

BlueSky Mon 06-Jul-20 09:09:09

Kandinsky Why would you need friends when you have husband and children? I've always been in your position but by choice. I enjoy my own company otherwise it's up to you to make it happen, as nobody will come knocking on your door.

Riskybuisness Mon 06-Jul-20 09:09:14

Volunteering is a great way to socialise. If you do litter picking beach, fields, local areas it combines exercise. Its very good if you feel you could get attatched to much if you volunteered helping people. Magnet fishing helps clear out metal from canals if you live close to one and theres quiet a few groups started up now. Charity shops is a good avenue and can also lead onto paid part time work.

Newquay Mon 06-Jul-20 09:09:33

I suppose really you have to ask are you content on your own, do you prefer being on your own? I have a relative in mid sixties who does not have a single friend. I can’t understand it. I have friends from school; from when we had babies together; church members; shared interests too. I have made new friends recently too. . .but then I like having friends and we keep in touch with each other even now. I honestly don’t know what the solution is but the world will
not beat a path to your door for sure!

Riskybuisness Mon 06-Jul-20 09:15:22

BlueSky

Kandinsky Why would you need friends when you have husband and children? I've always been in your position but by choice. I enjoy my own company otherwise it's up to you to make it happen, as nobody will come knocking on your door.

Not everyone has that family luxury.

Marthjolly1 Mon 06-Jul-20 09:20:21

I'm also in the same boat. I am a sociable person and have quite a few really good friends that I've known for many years but they're hundreds of miles away and some dont keep in regular contact. I'm the one to keep contact with them. Since I moved about 4 years ago I've joined all sorts of groups, ramblers, crochet, yoga, Meet-Ups, but I have not yet made any connections. The neighbourhood is the most unfriendly I have ever lived in. Only my next door neighbour will engage in an exchange. Everyone else positively keep their heads turned the other way to avoid and contact. I find that quite upsetting. I only want to say hello and offer a smile. I volunteer in a charity shop which has been my saviour and just love the social contact with other volunteers and customers. Ive really missed it and hope to go back in the next couple of weeks. I'm 70 and have thought for quite a while now that it's harder to make new friends as one gets older.

dizzyblonde Mon 06-Jul-20 09:26:48

I have a husband and family but I still need friends and like the OP I have recently realised that my friends tend to be work friends and as I work 40 miles away they aren’t ones I see unless I’m either at work or a big social event is planned. I have moved quite a bit so local friends have rather fallen by the wayside.
Before lockdown started I was looking into joining the Townswomens Guild or the WI as I realised I needed local friends, just to meet for a coffee and a chat or a walk.
Luckily I’ve been working throughout lockdown so very little has changed for me but solely relying on family is a dangerous path as who knows what is around the corner.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Mon 06-Jul-20 09:34:42

If you have any hobbies, Kandinsky that can give you a starting point. Like-minded people form groups and it gives you something to talk about.

MissAdventure Mon 06-Jul-20 09:41:41

I'm the same.
I often feel like I've slipped out of the real world, and into a kind of half-life.
Lockdown has made no difference to me, because I haven't got much of a life in the first place.

Alexa Mon 06-Jul-20 09:50:22

Fifty seven is young enough to make new friends.

What would you have? Do you want friends with similar esoteric interests to yourself? Or, easier to accomplish, friends who merely want to be seen to be gregarious?

Maybe you want friends for mutual support in times of trouble?
Whatever sort of 'friend' you want to find you have to make yourself attractive to them by how you present yourself to them. Most people whatever interests they have like someone who is not selfish and who makes an effort to be helpful.

Megs36 Mon 06-Jul-20 09:51:46

Kandinsky I-know what you mean although I am a lot older than you, I belong to a ‘Ladies’ Club ,’ not the WI, and most members joined decades ago and have grown old together whilst after twenty years I’m still the new girl. I’ve contacted some during this time but very rarely does anyone get back to me.I also find the so-called welcoming posts on GN never seem to respond if I try to join in discussions, again everyone seems to know everyone😦, Not much help I’m afraid , maybe some of us are better on our own. I do have a-couple of what I call really good friends but they have their own lives with other people, I’ve come to the conclusion I must be really boring!!
Maybe some suggestions above aboutvoluntary occupations will help , you are very young still.😀😀😀

BlueSky Mon 06-Jul-20 09:57:30

Risky the OP stated she has husband and children hence my answer. I do know that if you are on your own the lack of friends is much worse, unless again by choice.