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Is it really a miscarriage?

(43 Posts)
Bluebellwould Sat 31-Jul-21 18:48:34

Whilst I have total sympathy for anyone who has a miscarriage, I do wonder if they are not what we would have called them back in the day.
Pregnancy tests are now so sensitive that, I believe, you can tell that you are pregnant the day after conception. In my child bearing years (1980’s) you had to wait until 2 weeks after your period was due to even get a hint. Many women would have lost a pregnancy before knowing and it was usually put down to a late period or erratic cycle. I could go months between periods and was 20 weeks pregnant with my first child before I even knew.
Was ignorance bliss?
A late period surely doesn’t warrant the same distressing thoughts as a miscarriage would cause. I hope I’m explaining myself properly and not causing upset. I was just wondering if advancing technology (pregnancy tests) has caused more upset and not been as helpful as might have been hoped.

GrannyGravy13 Sat 31-Jul-21 18:50:44

My sister and I gave had multiple miscarriages early and later, the time is immaterial the hurt and pain is exactly the same.

lemongrove Sat 31-Jul-21 18:59:24

Presumably this is about Johnson’s wife having a miscarriage earlier this year.
It’s a miscarriage, the loss of a baby, that’s all we need to know.
I don’t think pregnancy testing makes losing a potential baby any better or worse.

Pammie1 Sat 31-Jul-21 19:00:12

I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and one at 12. The distress is still the same.

cornishpatsy Sat 31-Jul-21 19:00:25

I understand what you are saying, when I was pregnant in the 70s the only test available was from the Doctor and then after 2 missed periods.

In some ways it was better that way, as you were unaware of an early miscarriage.

Lolo81 Sat 31-Jul-21 19:07:25

I do sort of see your point OP, in years gone by there would have been no real awareness of an early miscarriage. It would have been put down to a bad or heavy period.
That said, for someone trying to conceive, these early tests allow any potential issues to be identified earlier, which can only be a good thing IMO.
I don’t think you were dismissing the feelings of anyone who has (like I have) had miscarriages or their pain - for me, knowing what was going on in my body was ultimately a good thing, although heart breaking at the time. The knowledge that I was able to conceive despite other issues I had meant that I had hope for a full term pregnancy in amongst the pain of knowing that I had early losses.

B9exchange Sat 31-Jul-21 19:13:56

I think that when you have a pregnancy confirmed, whether at a day late or four weeks late, at that moment your hopes, dreams and plans start. If those are shattered, it is a bereavement. Couples wait for twelve weeks to tell people now because they are aware of the risks of very early miscarriage and raising false hopes, in the past we rang our parents the minute the test was positive. I had a 7 week miscarriage, I still wonder what that baby would have been like.

Bluebellwould Sat 31-Jul-21 19:18:45

I was in no way demeaning or downplaying anybody’s sense of loss or devastation when they suffer a miscarriage. I was just clumsily trying to wonder if it was easier in the old days when you didn’t know that you had had a miscarriage, just a late or heavy period. Would women be less upset if they didn’t know they had been pregnant? There seems to be so many miscarriages reported these days, it just made me wonder if ignorance was bliss.

Smileless2012 Sat 31-Jul-21 19:23:54

The three times I was pregnant I knew before I took a pregnancy test. I hadn't taken a test for my third but knew I was pregnant and from what I could see, that it wasn't simply a heavy period as mine always were, and it wasn't the same.

Kali2 Sat 31-Jul-21 19:27:01

Pregnancy tests in the 60s were much less sensitive and would not confirm pregnancy until 7-8 weeks.

Bluebellwoods, I totally get what you are saying. With our first I had no idea I was pregnant until I was over 3 months.

Galaxy Sat 31-Jul-21 19:29:47

I think the reporting is also to do with the fact it is talked about more than it used to be.

Hithere Sat 31-Jul-21 19:51:23

I agree with Galaxy

NotSpaghetti Sat 31-Jul-21 19:53:32

I had five babies and knew I was pregnant ahead of tests. In fact, I didn’t bother even having tests with the 4th and 5th.
I knew

As regards the 12 week thing, I wonder if it’s actually better to tell people close to you early, that way you will have support should a miscarriage happen.
If you are waiting till 12 weeks and then miscarry at, say 10 weeks, you are grieving in a vacuum.
I know some might prefer to grieve in private but for some this is a very lonely time.

Kali2 Sat 31-Jul-21 19:53:33

Imagine that is must be very different if trying and trying for a baby and hope so much that this time it will all be fine, and a period happens and destroys those hopes.

GrannyGravy13 Sat 31-Jul-21 20:08:34

Kali2

Imagine that is must be very different if trying and trying for a baby and hope so much that this time it will all be fine, and a period happens and destroys those hopes.

Yes it is indescribably heartbreaking.

kircubbin2000 Sat 31-Jul-21 20:23:44

I don't remember this pressure of trying for a baby that all the young ones talk about now. I dont know anyone my age who tried, they just arrived naturally.

Summerlove Sat 31-Jul-21 20:47:35

The earliest a test will work is around 5 days before a missed period.
So 9 days post conception, not 1.

I think of a woman knows she was pregnant she can treat it however she likes as far as grief.

Some people want the world to know, some want no one, some their closest supporters , and some (like me) can’t talk about losses until years later

GrannyGravy13 Sat 31-Jul-21 20:55:18

kircubbin2000

I don't remember this pressure of trying for a baby that all the young ones talk about now. I dont know anyone my age who tried, they just arrived naturally.

You are very fortunate, the females in our family (going back 4 generations on maternal side) have had fertility/carrying to term problems.

Our children are very much loved gifts, some are natural born, some are IVF and some are adopted.

Kali2 Sat 31-Jul-21 20:58:54

GrannyGravy13

Kali2

Imagine that is must be very different if trying and trying for a baby and hope so much that this time it will all be fine, and a period happens and destroys those hopes.

Yes it is indescribably heartbreaking.

In such cases, I totally understand the pain, and it happened to a few friends in the late 60s. So sorry you had to go through this.

My first was the best mistake I ever made- and the second arrived as soon as I stopped BF.

MayBee70 Sat 31-Jul-21 21:03:15

When I left work to have my first child many of my colleagues didn’t even realise I was pregnant. Because my mum had struggled to have a baby that lived I didn’t believe I would have a baby until I brought it home. I remember telling one friend before the first 12 weeks were up and he said he’d congratulate me in a few weeks time. I was much happier with that than people that were gushingly happy. I guess it was because of my mum that I was like that. I wish I’d spoken to her about it. Maybe that’s why I’m such a glass half empty sort of person.

GrannyGravy13 Sat 31-Jul-21 21:05:17

MayBee70

When I left work to have my first child many of my colleagues didn’t even realise I was pregnant. Because my mum had struggled to have a baby that lived I didn’t believe I would have a baby until I brought it home. I remember telling one friend before the first 12 weeks were up and he said he’d congratulate me in a few weeks time. I was much happier with that than people that were gushingly happy. I guess it was because of my mum that I was like that. I wish I’d spoken to her about it. Maybe that’s why I’m such a glass half empty sort of person.

I totally understand 💐💐

lemsip Sat 31-Jul-21 21:17:14

I understand what you mean bluebellwould back in the day
when there were no scans . we were never sure until 3 months gone by then you would tell the family the good news.... had a nine week loss, doctor didnt call it miscarriage so neither did I.....Realise now of course that it was indeed.

Oldbat1 Sat 31-Jul-21 21:54:42

I think 20% of pregnancies in your 30s end in miscarriage and increases rapidly in 40+ Age group. In my day you wouldn’t necessarily know and just put it down to a late or heavy period. I continued to bleed on and off through pregnancy.

NfkDumpling Sat 31-Jul-21 22:24:29

I had at least two miscarriages after my DD1 was born. Both just after I'd "missed" for the second time but before I'd seen the doctor. The second time was later so must have been around 11/12 weeks. I was upset but not bereft. I think I'd felt one move but felt no real connection with the embryo.

My very first pregnancy however, was a different matter. I lost him at 27, nearly 28 weeks. The surgeon said he was perfect and so he remains, perfect. There was only one incubator in the hospital and that was being used so he had no hope of survival. I mourned him, but got over it and conceived again.

I think though that late miscarriages especially are much harder to bear these days, especially as so many leave trying for a child later in life. Time is often running short. Nowadays the parents have known about the baby longer, know its sex, have named it and its much more of a person. My lost son didn't have a name. I didn't know he was a boy until he was born. I don't think I was as attached as a mother is now.

Babies these days are more likely to survive from an early stage and I think should be considered as still births from 24 weeks.

NotSpaghetti Sat 31-Jul-21 22:37:05

So much pain here.
flowers