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To buy or not to buy

(20 Posts)
Barneysmommy Tue 05-Nov-19 05:46:10

I have 3 grandchildren 9, 10 and 11. Ex DIL has done everything she can to stop us having contact with them over the years.

The 10 & 11 year old love coming to see us - sadly 9 year old just won't come and doesn't want anything to do with us. We haven't seen him for 2 years. We have sent him presents but never acknowledged.

Should we continue buying for all 3 or just the 2 who come to visit us.

What do we do about Christmas presents. Do we buy for all three of them

EllaKeat Tue 05-Nov-19 06:21:43

Oh, good Lord! Of course you buy for all of them!

How could you even think of not doing so? If you ever want a relationship with the 9 year old, you really do need to be a LOT more understanding of his/her perspective.

Really quite shocked by this question 🙄

BradfordLass72 Tue 05-Nov-19 06:45:15

I'm not shocked as I read your history on another thread and sympathise. flowers

If you can be sure the 9 year old will get the gift, perhaps via his siblings, then get something.

If not, you're wasting time, money and heartache.

Do the older children give you any hope that their brother (obviously still influenced by Mum and that's okay, he's trying to be loyal) will be allowed to keep the gift?

If you bought a book (Diary of a Wimpy Kids is very popular) would he read it?

If you send a book token, would he be allowed to use it.

These are the vital question which will help you decide.

NotAGran55 Tue 05-Nov-19 06:52:20

I would most definitely buy him a gift . I would buy each of them something small and one gift they could share - a board game or similar.

Sara65 Tue 05-Nov-19 07:02:52

I would definitely buy for all three. Sounds like a really sad situation, but you have to keep trying.

Lisagran Tue 05-Nov-19 07:12:44

I like NotAGran55’s suggestion - 3 small presents and a board game to share is an excellent idea. Keep in contact with all three, definitely. It must be hard for you.

cornergran Tue 05-Nov-19 07:24:02

It’s so hard and hurts but I wouldn’t exclude him. As bradfordlass says he’s being loyal to his Mum but he won’t be 9 forever and needs to know you would welcome him. I also like notagran’s idea of something they could all share, the other two can give you ideas about that. Something, no matter how small, just for your grandson is important too. I’m sorry its all so hard and upsetting.

M0nica Tue 05-Nov-19 07:52:46

Nothing will cause more antagonism and give your ex-DiL more opportunity to criticise you than failing to give a present to a 9 year old grandson.

No matter how bad the situation I would always give presents to all three and continue until they are at least 18.

So often it is the drip, drip, drip of the water on the stone that eventually succeeds in wearing it away and bringing a happy conclusion.

annep1 Tue 05-Nov-19 08:08:13

I think the easiest thing is just to buy all three.
But sometimes I wish Christmas would just disappear. Too many problems....

wildswan16 Tue 05-Nov-19 08:55:38

Certainly buy for all three. Maybe include a game they can all play together as they are close in age. Also, I would give Christmas cards and presents to the two oldest in person when they visit, and also give them the 9 yr old's so that they know he has something too.

jura2 Tue 05-Nov-19 08:57:30

Buy for all 3 for sure.

Barneysmommy Tue 05-Nov-19 12:07:47

Thank you all so much.

I will certainly buy for all 3 now I have had all this useful advice.
I think the idea of buying something they will all enjoy is brilliant I know they all love karaoke so I will get them one of those. It makes it easier for the rest of the family then because they can send Karaoke discs.

PamelaJ1 Tue 05-Nov-19 16:36:39

My friend didn’t see her DGS for years but continued to send gifts and cards.
When he was 18 one of them contacted her and they now have a great relationship.
Unfortunately the youngest was much more influenced by his mum and so my friend isn’t expecting to hear from him.
She did her best, that’s all you can do.

BBbevan Tue 05-Nov-19 16:43:46

You can do no other than to buy for all three. Whatever the outcome, you have done the right thing. Just don't expect anything to change . I hope one day things do change for you though. Good luck 💐

boodymum67 Sat 09-Nov-19 13:26:32

Hi again, if you think the 9 year old may not get the gifts you about putting the money you`d spend aside for him...or maybe a bank account in his name? When he`s older, he may want to see you and you`ll have it there for him.
Very upsetting all round, having read your other post.
Best wishes lovey xxx

M0nica Sat 09-Nov-19 22:21:26

I think the idea of giving the 9 year old's present to his brothers to take home is brilliant. It is corrobarative evidence that you bought him presents, and he was not left out.

Hang on in. The wife of a friends son left him when she was pregnant. In the first 15 years of her life he saw his daughter about 6 times, despite constant court orders and proceedings giving him regular access.

When his daughter reached 18 the first thing she did was contact her father and they now have a happy and loving relationship.

LeylaSanders Wed 13-Nov-19 08:55:33

Deep down, he's happy to be remembered. Well done for taking such good care of your grandchildren.

nooncoupons Mon 16-Dec-19 07:56:24

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Yehbutnobut Mon 16-Dec-19 07:58:42

Of course buy for all three. The nine-year old is the child and you are the adult.

ballk9e Wed 18-Dec-19 02:57:22

Bought my grandchild and her children and boyfriend over $900 in gifts and she did not provide even one gift for me or her grandfather. Felt used at the time