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Feeling hurt at Christmas

(16 Posts)
pigsmayfly. Fri 27-Dec-19 23:00:13

I have 3 adult children; 1 lives locally and the others 6 hours drive away. This year all my children were spending Christmas with inlaws. One son invited his dad to join them for four days ( I’m divorced and remarried) . My husband and I spent Christmas Day with my elderly mum in a residential home. Since then I have felt like doing nothing but cry. I just feel so hurt. My sons have apparently got me a present but haven’t told me what it is yet. My grandchildren don’t know wha5 I sent them. Any advice to help me feel better please?

Doodle Fri 27-Dec-19 23:07:16

Do you meet up with your children at other times of the year? My BIL and SIL are on their own this Christmas as their children are going to in-laws too. Did you see them last Christmas? Try not to be upset about it and enjoy the time you have with DH.

Alexa Sat 28-Dec-19 00:43:08

You will feel better when your sons give you your present. Somebody feels slighted at Xmas often. It's nothing but your bad luck you were the one to be less attended to this year.

Also it's commonly the daughters who take their husbands to the daughters'people at Xmas. This may be because sons don't usually have .as much to do with these traditional celebrations

welbeck Sat 28-Dec-19 03:09:35

I sympathise, but at least you have got your husband with you. and it's good that you went to your mother.
some people are totally alone.
don't expect much and you wont be disappointed.
someone here pointed out that for a parent the relationship with one's children is a primary relationship; but for the adult child, the relationship with their parents is only of secondary importance. I guess its the survival instinct, to reproduce, keep the species going.
all I can say is try to make your life as full as you can, and do not depend upon your children to give it value.
you are valuable in and of yourself, and if your children are too pre-occupied to affirm that, then that's their loss. give your attention and emotional energy where it will be appreciated. good luck. this is a tricky time of year for lots of people, for different reasons.

dragonfly46 Sat 28-Dec-19 03:20:49

Well said welbeck

absent Sat 28-Dec-19 03:52:20

Your elderly mum in a residential home would have been delighted that you and your husband spent Christmas with her. She may not have said so, she may have seemed a little bit separate or even off with the fairies. She is old, she is no longer having the best time of her life. Residential homes can be hugely well organised but they are not truly homes. Having the two of you there would almost certainly have been a cheering thing for her, so be pleased with your kindness and the generosity of your time. She will not be a part of your life for much longer and, if you are like me, you will miss her dreadfully.

BradfordLass72 Sat 28-Dec-19 04:09:49

I'm puzzled. Why are you hurt?

You spent Christmas Day with your husband and mother. How could your children have spent that time with you?

You wrote the post on 27th and as far as I can see, your children haven't rejected you, on the contrary, they have bought you a gift.
Your grandchildren haven't rejected you, they just haven't opened their gifts from you yet.

So exactly what were you expecting? confused

kittylester Sat 28-Dec-19 07:32:34

You are your mother's child so you were doing the right thing as a daughter.

Please dont invest emotional energy so much in one day of the year.

I am baffled by how this can be upsetting really.

Sara65 Sat 28-Dec-19 07:40:06

I suppose some people’s expectations of Christmas are too high. Believe me, from one who has been surrounded by children and grandchildren for the last few days, that too has its problems!

I’ve made a real effort never to question what my children are doing at Christmas, if one says, as in fact was the case this year, that they’re going to in-laws , we say, oh how lovely, have a great time.

We had years of having to do what was expected of us, and just ended up feeling very resentful.

pigsmayfly. Sat 28-Dec-19 07:44:18

Thanks for your messages. They do help. I guess it’s the feeling of not being included; not even on Boxing Day. And yes, I get it, it’s about sons being with their inlaws. I feel better for reading your responses. Thank you

Daisymae Sat 28-Dec-19 08:36:38

Yes, that was us one year when my elderly mother was in hospital. We even had to pay to park the car. Stopped off in a pub on the way home for a coffee. Packed with families. Except us, Billy no mates. Still you did what was right and you were with the two most important people. Don't let it upset you, there will be other days.

cornergran Sat 28-Dec-19 08:46:04

Feelings catch us out sometimes. Logic doesn’t always help at the time does it? Rather than dwell perhaps you can arrange to see at least some of your family when it suits you, something to look forward to. Wishing you well.

sodapop Sat 28-Dec-19 08:46:25

Yes we do invest too much in one day I agree. Your Mum would have felt comforted by your being there I'm sure. Could you not arrange a family meal at another time when you can all get together and share presents etc.
Don't feel slighted pigsmayfly Your family have to share themselves around now.

vampirequeen Sat 28-Dec-19 11:40:14

Pigsmayfly, you're not alone. My children couldn't 'fit me in' this year. I sent their gifts (I was too ill to take them myself) but, although I have no doubt they have a gift for me, I received nothing from them yet. It's not as if they were spending quiet family Christmas's with their children. They were simply fully booked sharing social events with other people/family members. Try not to let it get to you. They probably think that you're fine because you were with your DH. People often do thoughtless things but don't always mean to cause pain.

Sara65 Sat 28-Dec-19 15:16:48

My husband and I always longed for a Christmas with just us and the children.
We thought it would be wonderful to wake up Christmas morning, and for them to be able to open their presents without waiting for the grandparents to turn up, for my son to go out on his new bike all day if he wanted, for the girls to do whatever they liked.

We tried on several occasions, but it always ended in upset, and we gave in. We didn’t want to do it every year, but once or twice would have been nice.

Hithere Sat 28-Dec-19 15:36:28

Did your sons spend Xmas with you last year? What is the holiday agreement (one year with you, one with ils, for example)?

This is what I hate about special holidays- the expectations. It is impossible make everybody happy.

How about celebrating with your sons on a different date?

I wouldn't even mention your unhappiness to your sons- it will come accross as a guilt trip