Awful presents

We don't buy each other anything for Christmas. We have a day out and hit the sales - have a whole day where we buy stuff for each other and anything we need for our home and have lunch together.
It's a nice day out and we pick up some bargains

Quizzed if my DH treated me with such disrespect he'd be out of the door, but don't listen to me I'm on DH no.3 lol

I never get presents from my DH, but occasionally if I say I'm buying a new jumper he will volunteer to pay for it as a present. Have to admit I feel unappreciated also. I normally buy him something, which sometimes he likes, other times, no!!

Every year my husband let's me choose something while out shopping with him. This year I really don't want to trail round busy shops. So while on Debenham's website for DIL''s gifts I saw 2 lovely dresses for me - and said shall I get these from you? "Yes ok that's fine love". Both happy !

I was once in a department store where a woman was returing a gift - a radio - her husband had given her - she said "I'd told him exactly which one I wanted - but he had as usual to try to go one better! So he got me one which is too big and doesn't have the panel so it can be charged by sunlight. I'm now getting what I actually wanted!" I wonder if some husbands resist being 'told' what to get and want to feel they did the choosing? Maybe women do that too - but I am guessing that is less common, even if it happens at all. I think the advice to the OP to re-set present giving via a good non angry conversation with her husband is the way to go.

Very hurtful,been there————— do you have a family member to “help him “ ? One of my daughters now has my present down to a fine art,wonderful.Or just buy yourself something really nice and don’t use it till Christmas and get him to pay.Good luck.

Presents! What a mine field! My husband has a weird, manipulative attitude to presents, as in - he bought me kind of what I liked, but a version he thought I should have - it was always a little "off", so I couldn't complain! For my 50th he bought me a clay roller, at great expense (about £1000), because I was doing a lot of ceramics at the time. He killed my hobby dead. I had wanted a kiln, albeit a second hand one, because they are expensive. But he said the roller was a major piece of pottery equipment for my hobby. It got used once or twice, but wasn't what I wanted or needed, so it has been sitting in my shed for 15 years, unused and unloved. Now that we are moving it can go! Another present that stands out was more recent. I decided I had to be very specific about presents, so I showed him a trug to use on my allotment (rectangular, not rounded) - I showed him a picture, so no mistakes! What he gave me was an oval, rounded trug, which was nice, but not what I wanted. It's been like that all through the years, so I am quite glad that now he's had a stroke, he can't venture out to buy me his version of what he thinks I should have! I've got a bit bolshy now I've hit 65. I told my son exactly what gardening tools I wanted, gave my husband a knitting pattern and the wool and said make this! My daughter sent me a yoga mat to replace the squashed, dented thing I'd had for years. I was thrilled! All my birthday presents were exactly what I wanted! But then my daughter made a big hoo-ha about a "special present", which arrived this week, and turns out to be an "inversion table". When I said thank you, but I would leave it packed up until we move, she felt I was ungrateful and got into a huff. Ho Hum!! I think I'll just start asking for vouchers in the future! Although I am always very grateful for any presents, I haven't got the time, the headspace or the patience for more "stuff". I've spent the last year decluttering in preparation for moving house!

Presents cause so manh issues I am happy we, as a family have agreed not to do them. That was such a liberating choice.

Nor should we be grateful to have a man!...any man will do!

I despair, thinking any woman would just put up and shut up as long as she has a man!

ajswan wow! You suggest to Quizzer that you think her husband may have dementia. Then in the same post you advise her to tell him to get lost!

When folk come on here to share a problem they are hoping for constructive advice and maybe some support. Your comments are cruel.

Have you perhaps strayed over from Mumsnet and forgotten to go back?

Words fail me! I would be so furious and upset I can’t even imagine what my reaction would have been. Very early into our marriage I told my husband not to ever give me anything with a plug on it for a present, and he hasn’t! Our two daughters will point him in the right direction, although after 50 years we don’t buy Christmas presents for each other. I’ve never forgotten one year he gave me a beautiful pair of beautiful diamond stud earrings, a complete surprise, and I very rarely take them off. A triumph!

LesLee7, why should she be grateful she has a partner. Better to be on your own than with a pig like that. His behaviour is appalling

Me and my husband give each other a list of items we would like. Then chooses a few of the items each, win win situation and no disappointments. This was my idea many years ago after receiving a really bawdy dressing table set I would never use.

Showing how much you care about your spouse is not something which has to be taught! This reasoning is yet another excuse to let a thoughtless person off the hook.

We either show each other we care about each other’s feelings and would never wish to hurt them or, if not, one chooses whether or not to accept the truth of disinterest being shown.

What a horrible selfish man. Lots of namby pamby answers and suggestions. It seems to me that he has a problem, maybe Dementia. Why put up with this behaviour I think that he is taking the pxxx. What about his other behaviours is he loving and kind. If not I would tell him to get lost. It’s terrible that he did this in front of your relatives, sounds as if he was laughing at you. Sorry to sound so harsh but you deserve better.

For one be grateful you have a partner, husband, companion.
Secondly I was brought up to appreciate anything I was given so OK he shouldn't have given you a ring you'd already bought. Once with a previous partner when we didn't have much money he bought me a bar of chocolate and it meant the world because he'd bothered. I was also brought up to" it's better to give than receive". I love buying bits and pieces for friends all year round which I hope they will like, yes it's nice if they get me something but I don't expect it. If he cares for you in other ways be thankful and let it go.

I agree with Kalu, the most hurtful thing for me would be the fact that he appeared to those in the room to have been very generous and thoughtful, when in fact he was neither. I don't think I could have kept quiet. Dreadfully hurtful.

My birthday is just before Christmas so, after a few shocks in the early years l have found it much easier to get what I would like and for him to pay for it, wrap it up and "surprise" me. One year it was a new metronome. Otherwise l will say exactly what I would like. He often puts in a small surprise as well. It was my poor grandmother who received the very worst Christmas present one year in my family. My grandfather bought her a chip pan. To say that she was not amused would be something of an understatement.

It is a men thing. Men were not taught to buy presents when they were boys. We girls were.

DH isn't anything like as bad as some of your other halves, but he doesn't really see the point of presents, as he feels we can afford to buy what we like.

No amount of explaining gets him to see that the point of a present is that someone else put time and effort into buying it FOR YOU.

I can give him a list, even tell him where he can buy things, but as like as not, I finish up with something quite different, but at least there is the surprise to look forward to.

I have learned to be grateful for the most surprising things.

Funnily enough, when he buys me something I really wanted and love, he keeps saying he didn't think it would be good enough, and do I really want it?

Yes, yes, yes, thank you, dear. Repeat from * to *

This is not going to go down well but, I feel sorry for both of them. He obviously has no idea how to buy gifts. As someone else said, it is probably his upbringing. I see a man who who genuinely does not have gift-giving skills but, who tries his best. He probably thought it was a good idea to offer to pay for the ring when he saw it in the box, thinking that at least it was something she liked.

Equally, I feel sorry for the OP. It must be so frustrating.

Surely the answer is for them to make some sort of agreement over this. Either make a list of possible gifts that would be acceptable or agree not to buy gifts at all but, spend the money on evening out at the theatre or something similar.

Thanks for all the advice. Over the years I have tried all those tactics.
In answer to Hithere, he doesn't mistreat me in any other way. If he did I would be long gone.
I wouldn't say "I have come to terms" with his present choices, but I have realised that this is how it is. Unfortunately that doesn't stop me getting upset at this time of year.

I find this very sad OP. Your DH was more concerned about losing face during the meal and didn’t appear to care that his actions would be very hurtful to his wife.

Gifts are material things. What someone thinks of you is the message.

Make a list, it’s easier, ask him to choose one or two ??that way you won’t be disappointed

I do not understand why you have not said anything if it has been going on for years.

Easy to say that he is not good at present buying and give him a list of things you would like or agree to no presents.

Sometimes DH is brilliant (iPad Pro, drive in a sports car, 4 x4 driving experience) sometimes terrible (a book he previously gave me, 2 tapas recipe books on the same birthday, random perfume and men’s aftershave!). Perhaps I’m nosy much better because I find him quite hard to buy for.