Christmas for a bereaved child

Are they in grief therapy and if so, what is the recommendation?

A good scream is very good to release tension. For adults I suggest smashing some chipped crockery for children throwing a ball at an easy target with loads of whooping and screaming or booing. Let it go. Quiet times are good but sometimes they allow you to dwell on your sadness. Cooking biscuits and making easy sweeties takes your mind off sadness and the outcome is usually a treat to eat. Talking about the dead person ensures they don’t become the elephant in the room. It gets easier. You sound a lovely granny.

Walking's good. At dusk, bout 3pm here, wrapped up,hands in pockets, round the streets looking at everyone's Xmas decs, amazing how the chat flows.
Worked for DS and I.

It sounds as though the bereaved mother can’t bear the presence of a living ten year old when her own is dead. So important that Maman’s step grand daughter is not allowed to feel this and that the adult suffering is not hers. Lots of sensible suggestions already, and activities where you can work alongside the little girl rather than face to face will help her to talk more readily. What a tough situation for everyone.

Art. I had health issues as a child and , despite being one of four, I was lonely and often felt depressed. My parents got me into drawing and painting . A roll of wallpaper in the floor, pencils, crayons and paint and I was lost in a fantasy world of my own making. It was , and still is a source of great joy to me . ( I’ve progressed to sketch book and canvas now!) As a teacher I found it a great way to get children to express their feelings and mood. Also, a journal could be fun and be made up of writing and pictures. Good luck !

I think you need to have options of joining in, solitary quiet time, time with a chosen adult all available to her, and she will find her way through her needs at the time! So
a) a box of things to do ...as suggested above by Anrol available to her if she wants to do some quiet things....she can choose whether to do alone or ask a chosen adult for help or a bit of both
b) Being asked to help you maybe with specific things...a chance to chat as you work etc
c) Your normal family Xmas arrangements...whatever you do, whether games, TV, a family walk or whatever

And very importantly, an awareness by all adults that continuously jollying her along, rather than picking up her mood and needs, is not a good idea.

I think a gentle chat with her Dad about how he would like things done for her and him etc in advance would also be a good idea..just giving the opening and explaining your ideas if appropriate without any pressure.

Hope it goes ok for all of you

The worst bereavements for a child are the Mother or Father.
This isn’t the case for her and only time will help the loss of her step sister if they were close? I think you should simply be kind to her and not any forced jollity, but do the things you normally do and play the games you normally do.At ten years old she will welcome some fun and your attention.Good luck.

Not much use for Christmas but I hope they are all getting appropriate bereavement support

I would say to make it your normal christmas - something familiar when everything else seems strange (the bereavement and the events of the year...). And let her know that while she is sad about the leople who jave died it's still OK for her to enjoy Christmas if she wants to.

Maybe have some ideas of things to do together up your sleeve for those times when she needs something to do!! - games, walks, special dvd watching time, reading, baking etc

You’ve had some lovely suggestions here, the only thing I’d add is maybe letting the family know that they can “check out” and provide a quiet space somewhere they can go and be alone for a bit if they need to. Knowing that they can just say “I need five minutes” and have them without offending or having anyone check in constantly may be a relief.
It’s a lovely thing that you want to make this a nice time for the family. I hope this isn’t offensive to you, but I’ve added them to my prayers x

Dear heaven, you are all in a bad place, aren't you?

I think you need to talk to the girl's father and find out whether he thinks you should tone down Christmas or not.

I would do more or less what you usually do when the children visit, but I would also take the child aside soon after they arrive and tell her that you are so happy that she is spending Christmas with you, as otherwise you would have been so sad after these two deaths.

A ten year old child has some conception of death and probably a lot of thoughts and questions, which you will have to tackle as honestly as possible.

I realise her mother is devasted, but to leave the surviving child in the family is dreadful, someone needs to make it very clear to the child that her mother (stepmother?) cannot help herself right now, and it is not the girl's fault that all this has happened.

Our Son-in-law died Christmas eve 4 years ago and our grandson was only 5. Terrible time for the adults, the little one we kept him busy all day with games and presents and lots of cuddles and kisses. Our daughter has had Christmas baubles with son-in-law's picture in and pics of her and husband and our grandchild. Since then each Christmas GGS hangs Daddies baubles on the tree.

A ten year old may be into hair. If you think this may be the case why not have a hairdressing session eg you do hers, she does yours. Not washing drying but just using some of the mass of hair accessories out there, even coloured hair spray/paint. Wear the new styles for comment by the household, even a little competition. Time together when having fun may allow her to relax and talk about her loss though probably just by little comments. Have board games just like most families but quite time too. Don't make it too different from normal, children pick up on things being different and rightly or wrongly will think it's because of her.

All great ideas already shared with you. I'm sending big hugs to all your family xx

So sorry to hear this Mamma66. I can't add anything to the good ideas suggested above, but didn't want to scroll past. and love to you. I am so sorry for your family.

So sad to hear this. Certainly Winston's wish is a good organisation to contact as well as the hospital where the stepsister died.
Compassionate Friends is another organisation for the whole family.
I think that maybe you GD will be feeling a little forgotten amongst all of the grieving and I would certainly try to make this Christmas special and a bit magical for her. Stars are mentioned a lot at Christmas , maybe more than any other time so you perhaps can include the stars of her stepsister and the baby - special decorations for your tree for instance. You could also include her in things such as planting a tree/ shrub /plant in memory to go either in your garden or her own garden or if the Mum hates the idea, maybe a tree elsewhere as there is a push to plant more trees at the moment.
Maybe she could help make a memory box - draw pictures, keep objects that belonged to her stepsister etc.

I had a similar sad issue with my grandchildren. I think its best to keep things on an even keel, have your usual Christmas decorations, traditions etc but don't go over the top with things. Give your granddaughter the opportunity to have some quiet time if she wants and to talk about her sadness. It's very much going along with how she feels at the time. I'm so sorry for your family Mamma66

I think Coco51 has it in nutshell!

BlueBelle my condolences, to your daughter and gchildren♥️.

Just make sure she has stability and is loved and listened to no matter what

BlueBelle

Give Winstons Wish a call my daughter found their advice invaluable when her children’s Daddy died a few months before Christmas They are an organisation ( charity) especially for bereaved children and may be useful for you outside Christmas time too

Such a good suggestion.

What a lot this little girl has to carry.
Well done you mamma66 for thinking if her welfare ahead of Christmas.

Lots of people have suffered awfully this year. Will you get a chance to see her before Christmas? How old is she? Maybe a hug and an acknowledgement that it's been a tough year. Then ask her what she would like to do. Quiet christmas? different christmas? getting out for a walk? I think it's too easy not to mention the elephant in the room. Having lost my parents young, and all my siblings in recent years, and various friends along the way, I always raise a glass at Christmas and their birthdays and say how much they are missed, and tell a silly story about one of them. It breaks the ice, allows for a few tears and a giggle, hopefully, and lets us carry on the day. It's a hard call but I think talking about the people who have died is the best choice.

Baking can be quite therapeutic and gives opportunities for quiet chat, (initially, perhaps, about likes/dislikes, savoury/sweet) or no chat. Try not to put pressure on her. You could make snacks for Christmas day supper e.g. sausage rolls, cheese straws, mini quiche etc. Obviously, you'd need to stock up in advance.

I was going to suggest baking and cooking with her too as a comfortable thing to do. Maybe go for something outdoor as well, a walk for you all or a zoo visit? You have to book those. Exercise can make people feel a bit better. Dress up warm. It's FREEZING out there today.

I really feel for you but love that you are thinking of her so much. My granddaughter is almost ten and I am trying to think what she likes to do. Maybe a gingerbread house kit that she can decorate with her dad, a book to read so she can dip into it if she wants to be quiet, games like UNO are great, teaching her games of patience, letting her help in the kitchen if she wants to.