Am I right/wrong to be upset that I’ll be alone on Christmas Day?

MercuryQueen

auntydo

I'm surprised you haven't been invited to the in-laws for Christmas..very thoughtless on their side ..why wouldn't they include you..not nice!..what goes around comes around..

Were the in-laws invited to hers the other years?

It seems we don’t know the history. Perhaps the in-laws have not had a look in for the past 4 years. However , whatever the reasons for the change of plans , it could /should have been handled more sensitively .

I am very lucky as great consideration is given by my three children as to my whereabouts on Christmas Day. Since finding myself alone fifteen years ago, I have only spent Christmas not being with one or more of them twice and one of those I was with friends. The one Christmas I was entirely alone, it wasn’t bad at all, as I cooked myself a Christmas dinner, eaten in front of the TV and generally did nothing! But I was seeing my children and grandchildren on Boxing Day. If I were to find myself alone again, I think I would volunteer and look forward to the days I will get to spend with my family; I don’t expect them always to be able to accommodate me. And I always regard Christmas as a season, after all!

Well, like I said upthread I’ve had not only in-laws but sisters in-laws and now I think about it the neighbours in-laws too.So I’m not in-law averse.

Nevertheless, I think that if the OP has had all the previous Christmases with her daughters and grandchildren then I might be peeves as an in law if she turned up to my one time to have my son and my grandchildren for Christmas.
?

Your paw has such a kind face.

What a lovely picture to have as a reminder.

Well we did when D2 had had her baby . Her MIL has Alzheimer’s and at the time we did not know if she would even see another Christmas let alone have any awareness of it so it would have been selfish to have D, SIL and the little one here. Yet I very much wanted to see little DGS’s first Christmas.
So the obvious thing was to invite the other grandparents too. My idea was to “create memories “ for them but little did I know that DH would die the following November so the “memories” were as much mine as anybody else’s.
I’m so glad I did it - DH and D2 were always very close and it was nice for my (I think) unselfish gesture to pay such rewards.
(Two Grandpas- DH on the left )

The worm turned

We think alike Gabrielle56. Others think it's playing games. We'll like kids we learnt the hard way. I would be busy with my own plans when they think they can drop in. I never acted like this but I wish I had when I became estranged from my spoilt adult son. I'm only sorry I was too understanding and too willing to help for years. The work turned. Hahaha

Paddyanne

Say no.

Your mil can only ruin your holidays if you let her.

That sounds like a lovely time, Jocork

... perhaps it's not so much the fact that Resume will be alone on the day, but the apparently flippant way the daughter responded.

I once spent Christmas day alone - with my 6 year old - and enjoyed every minute... but it was out of necessity, and the family were really apologetic, so I neither felt hurt nor neglected. That's the point IMO.

Is there a reason you are not being asked to join their in laws celebrations?

MissAdventure

Has everyone thought to include their grown child's in laws on the years their child has been with them?

The first year my DS was dating his now wife he was invited to spend new year with her family. He mentioned that it would mean me being on my own so I was invited too. It wouldn't have been the first time I'd been alone for new year so I was surprised! After spending a couple of nights with what seemed like a huge extended family including aunts, uncles, cousins etc. I felt more a part of her family than my own. We stayed in her aunt and uncle's huge house with a few being farmed out to her uncle's parents house nearby.
It was quite a while later that I realised my DS's concern for my being alone may have had more to do with wondering how he'd get there on new year's eve as he didn't drive and I did! However I enjoyed meeting the family who are now his in-laws and, whatever the motives, I had a great time! Not everyone could accommodate such a huge gathering though so suggesting the in-laws should invite the OP may be completely impractical.

paddyann54

I have this very problem this year.My mother in law has spent every Christmas with us since we got married,this is the 47th ,when FIL was alive its was just 2 or 3 days but after he died its 2 weeks .Last year she had a mini stroke at the dining table and we waited hours for paramedics and an ambulance ,she was in hopsital for2 weeks after falling in their bathroom l and needed stitches along with a black eye and broken teeth .She had falls the previous three visits to us during last year .She refuses to sleep in the downstairs en suite bedroom and insists on being upstairs through the wall from us .She wont let my husband ,her son,in her room when she's in bed so I have to lift her to sitting and help her out ...then theres the stairs ,She wont wait for one of us to help her up and down ,I'm scared witless she'll fall and break her neck .Her daughter and family live just 5 minutes from her but always have "other plans" so I'm struggling with what to do .She has a stairlift and allsorts of gadgets at home and carers 4 times a day .I know she would miss us a she has always been here and my children and families will be here part of the time my daughter lives 70 miles from granny and is chronically ill so we cant be sure she'll be here never mind the journey to her grans who wont go visit them as she gets carsick .Any help would be appreciated.I'm feeling stressed and guilty already and its November .What would you do ?

paddyann54 I'd develop a bad back. "So sorry I can't help/lift you. It wuld help so much if you could use the downstaiirs room. Husband and me ae sleeping seperately because of my back. He's in the other room."
To the daughter who has other plans. "We'll drop your mum off at ??? time on Boxing/Christmas Day. She's really looking forward to it

Perhaps you could volunteer to help at a charity that opens for the lonely, the homeless, and others (Salvation Army ? or perhaps a local church group that is holding Christmas dinner etc for lonely elderly in your region ?

Christmas always brings its challenges. It sounds like you are divorced and I can tell you that as a daughter of divorced parents I used to dread working out where we would go and who we would disappoint. In the end I decided that we would stay at home - parents and in laws would be welcome to visit (no they didn’t live nearby nor did we have spare rooms, but we made sure they knew they would be warmly welcomed and a bed of sorts made available) but the children would be at home, able to play with their new things and not be moved from one house to another as we tried to keep everyone happy. It wasn’t perfect and I always made sure (in the pre Zoom days) that there was a call to anyone not with us. I understand this is difficult for you and has come as a surprise, but I just wanted to point out the other side- and that no matter what has been said (or not said) it was probably difficult for your girls too. However you spend it, I hope you have a lovely, if different, Christmas.

The suggestion of alternating visits every year depends on each individual case. When does a young family have time then to create their own traditions?

I agree. I think it is really important for ALL members of a wider family to recognise that nothing is set in stone, each year arrangements might be different etc. We have always made clear that we do not expect to meet up over Xmas Day/Boxing Day, lovely to do it but no obligation! Probably a good thing really as not all members of the wider family/in-laws feel the same and unfortunately expect their "traditions" to continue with no reference to anyone else, including new young families! Hey ho!

That said, I can understand why you feel upset Resume, as a change of "regular arrangements" wasn't apparently discussed with you, you just "discovered" things had changed this year after presumably many years of something different. You did not expect to be alone and had not planned accordingly, why would you when that has never been on the cards before.

I suggest that now it has happened, you do look at alternatives:
*Stay alone, treat yourself and enjoy some "me" time
*Volunteer as suggested earlier in thread
*Invite a friend who may be alone if you can
*Go to a hotel and enjoy a little "Xmas Holiday"

...are all possibilities perhaps?

auntydo

I'm surprised you haven't been invited to the in-laws for Christmas..very thoughtless on their side ..why wouldn't they include you..not nice!..what goes around comes around..

Were the in-laws invited to hers the other years?

Have tried very few Christmases for the entire family .... with up to 16 staying here....... too many religions, idiosyncracies , allergies to be considered with children/grandchildren from the UK to the Far East. I just could not please them all as they all saw their 'traditional English Christmas in different ways and wanted me to provide the appropriate celebrations.
We DID spend some years on our own and that was fine but that was the two of us and totally different from being alone

Since COVID started many of us Skyped weekly which gave me the idea of a family ' CHRISTMAS PANTOMIME on Skype

I set down the bare bones of a Cinderella which elder daughter immediately altered ..... Absolutely fine .... Less work for me. We thought of the number of family members who might like to participate.... similarly with the grandchildren and their interests and talents... and then made suggestions as to whom might like to play particular parts. Where no part existed in the more formal version we introduced talking mice/ speaking pumpkins/ whatever appealed
Some were not interested....that is fine, too but the smaller grandchildren were delighted to be able to do a special Cinderella dance,sung solo... anything you like
Our offspring were readily aware of their siblings deficiences and readily wrote script verses to be sung to well known Christmas carols. They also ascribed qualities to their spouses and children and wrote it all out in verse to the tunes of 'Good King Wenceslas', While Shepherds watched.pop songs whatever
These were submitted to the committee( elder daughter and me and linked together by a bit of banal script

The younger grandchildren in particular were delighted to work out costumes and how best to perform their own solos.

We fortunately normally eat Xmas lunch quite late so Noon-time( UK) was set for the performance. This allowed the Far East family to join in just before their bedtime. We all saw each other and laughed and celebrated together
It worked very well , required a lot of work to prepare but did not last too long even though different people might,for much of the day, be the main participants in the celebrations in another country. It gave US a time to do something different with our own family.

auntydo

I'm surprised you haven't been invited to the in-laws for Christmas..very thoughtless on their side ..why wouldn't they include you..not nice!..what goes around comes around..

They might not have room! (I say that as someone who can't even squeeze both sons, their wives and the three grandchildren into our house together, let alone an extra.) Or transport might be a problem. With the limited info we have, we can only guess.

Has everyone thought to include their grown child's in laws on the years their child has been with them?

I'm surprised you haven't been invited to the in-laws for Christmas..very thoughtless on their side ..why wouldn't they include you..not nice!..what goes around comes around..

It is hurtful to be abandoned like this without discussion, but who really wants to be the one no one knows what to do with at Christmas? Can you create your own magic in some way? I have never liked Christmas Day since childhood (long story) but there’s something about Christmas Eve which is totally different. When the children said they wanted to be in their own homes with the grandchildren I was relieved. This is when Christmas Eve became more special - husband and I organised a children’s treasure hunt with extra special prizes, and a buffet and the adults had a relaxed evening get together. We were so worn out after that that Christmas Day was a welcome rest. I re-discovered the photo of Grandad dressed as the Elf on a Shelf recently and the happy memories came back.

I've had a Christmas day alone and loved it. However, I think there is a big difference in being alone by choice or just not being invited anywhere. I don't think it is unreasonable to be upset if your expectations are dashed.