Am I right/wrong to be upset that I’ll be alone on Christmas Day?

We have moved Christmas Day several times to a few days early or in one case 10 weeks beforehand, to include everybody. The October Christmas was huge fun and the DGCs loved having two Christmases. I enjoyed the 25th December, a lie in, a few treats, no responsibilities, some presents to open, a couple of video calls and a lovely day doing what I wanted. How about doing Christmas dinner the weekend before the 25th?

Hi xmas day isn't my favourite, we have 2 ds, no2 lives abroad so never see him or his step family, our other is divorced and is never allowed to have the dgc on xmas day, he always sees them but only for a couple of hours, it has been this way since the divorce which was nothing to do with us, therefore we have not had them over, for me it's heart breaking, nothing else to say on the subject I'm afraid!

Santa, the Tooth Fairy, World Peace

Noooo!
Not Santa ? and the Tooth Fairy ?‍♀️!

PaddyAnn - any possibility of moving on with her just over Christmas and doing it there? I realise that might be totally impractical though.
At the very least you have to somehow persuade her to sleep downstairs. (Remove the upstairs bed?) You could give her a baby alarm if she needed you in the night.
I also think the daughter need to be reminded of their responsibilities, just because you have always done the lion’s share does not mean you always have to.

PaddyAnne I'm not surprised you are anxious. It is totally unsafe for your MIL to stay at your house and you cannot provide the level of care needed. The only solution I can think of is that you stay/ visit her on christmas day.

Scottishgogo

I think we should remember that Christmas Day is a religious celebration. Whilst not everyone is able to go to Church, I believe that we should remember the original reason for Christmas Day. I personally will probably be working. Who looks after your relatives in Care Homes on Christmas Day? I may sound like a party pooper, believe me, I am not. We have 2 weeks of holiday time - why not have a Christmas celebration on a different day - that way you can spread the celebration. last year, I had Christmas Dinner at work on Christmas Day and Christmas Dinner with my family, 2 days later. Good job, I like turkey and all the trimmings.

Please remember all those who work on Christmas Day to keep this country running. Also, remember those who genuinely do not have family members to share Christmas with.

OK. rant over.

Not that old chestnut.
Christmas Day isn’t anything to do with Religion unless that’s what you choose to believe. It was a Pagan festival long, long before the Christian’s came along and highjacked it.

Plenty of us don’t believe in Jesus, God, Satan, Santa, the Tooth Fairy, World Peace etc… just as some people refuse to believe that Covid exists or that vaccines are a good thing and that anyone who votes Tory is a total muppet. (Obviously the last point is actually true)

I’m not sure how any of this is helping the OP to come to terms with feeling lonely and forgotten on Christmas Day?

I think it is absolutely understandable. When DH was alive we used to joke that we would like our 3 daughters to coordinate so that they all came to us one year and then went to their in laws the next- and we would book a holiday on Madeira or a cruise.
Sadly things turned out differently and since DH died (4 years ago today) it reassures me to know that 3way conversations take place in the Autumn to make sure that whatever claims the in laws make, “Mum” is not on her own at Christmas.
I was last year though because D1 and family who I was “bubbled” with had to isolate as GS1 tested positive 5 days before Christmas and the other two were with in-laws in London and we were not allowed to mix households.
I’d like to say I put my big girl pants on and sailed through the day - but I would be lying- I eventually unpinned my smile at the end of the day and the tears were never far away throughout Boxing Day.
Good luck - I hope you do a lot better than I did!

I have this very problem this year.My mother in law has spent every Christmas with us since we got married,this is the 47th ,when FIL was alive its was just 2 or 3 days but after he died its 2 weeks .Last year she had a mini stroke at the dining table and we waited hours for paramedics and an ambulance ,she was in hopsital for2 weeks after falling in their bathroom l and needed stitches along with a black eye and broken teeth .She had falls the previous three visits to us during last year .She refuses to sleep in the downstairs en suite bedroom and insists on being upstairs through the wall from us .She wont let my husband ,her son,in her room when she's in bed so I have to lift her to sitting and help her out ...then theres the stairs ,She wont wait for one of us to help her up and down ,I'm scared witless she'll fall and break her neck .Her daughter and family live just 5 minutes from her but always have "other plans" so I'm struggling with what to do .She has a stairlift and allsorts of gadgets at home and carers 4 times a day .I know she would miss us a she has always been here and my children and families will be here part of the time my daughter lives 70 miles from granny and is chronically ill so we cant be sure she'll be here never mind the journey to her grans who wont go visit them as she gets carsick .Any help would be appreciated.I'm feeling stressed and guilty already and its November .What would you do ?

MissAdventure

Why on earth would anyone want to insert themselves into someone else's christmas plans?
How uncomfortable!

I agree.
I've had a couple of Christmas's on my own and enjoyed it. I saw my daughter, grandchildren etc on the days following Christmas and just went for a nice walk, ate some nice food on the day.

Hithere

The suggestion of alternating visits every year depends on each individual case

When does a young family have time then to create their own traditions?

Agreed, Hithere

Alternating works for some. Different days for others. Insisting on the 25th of December or nothing leads to trouble, imo.

I'm a fan of not leaving the house on holidays. I've strongly encouraged my kids to do the same, especially if the choose to have kids in the future. Dragging young children around isn't my idea of a nice holiday at all.

Once more of my kids are grown and flown (and partnered), I figure we'll probably pick whichever weekend is closest and invite everyone for the big family gathering then. I'd rather my kids (and gc, if applicable) were chilled out, enjoy their visit, rather than stressed and having a schedule to keep.

MissAdventure

There isn't any right or wrong about how you feel; the important thing is to make the best of it, and remember it's just a day or two.
Also, there is a difference from being "alone" with just a partner, or totally alone, which it seems you may be?
In which case, at least you can hog the tv and watch what you want!

I think this is a really good answer...there is no right or wrong about it, you feel as you feel.
On the day, if you can, phone or text good friends, eat and drink what you fancy and enjoy tv.It has it’s upside...no boring small talk or catering to other people's needs.
Try and see your DGC either just before or after Christmas.
There are always posters on GN ‘on the day’ to talk to as well.

Why on earth would anyone want to insert themselves into someone else's christmas plans?
How uncomfortable!

My dilemma this year is that my ex and mother in law wants to host for our two daughters which would be fair if they didn’t also have them for Boxing Day as that’s the exs birthday. The last 3 years (since split) I’ve always had them in Xmas day and him the following day. They do see them for about 2/3 hours whilst I’m cooking anyway but they want to move the goalpost so I’m a bit miffed at the moment but I understand your situation, is there another house you could go to? X

The suggestion of alternating visits every year depends on each individual case

When does a young family have time then to create their own traditions?

Gabrielle56

Rusume

I’ve just found out from one of my daughters that both she and her sister will be going to their respective husbands’ families on Christmas Day. This has never happened before and it means that I won’t see my three grandchildren, the eldest of whom is four and that I’ll be alone at home. I’m upset that one daughter hasn’t even bothered to tell me yet and that the other, when I mentioned that I’d be alone, just flippantly remarked, “oh, I’m sure you’ll find someone you can go to”. Am I wrong to be upset as after all it is just one day, and how do I best handle this? Thanks!

Just noticed that you said first time at husband's family? Why? Have you had them every single Christmas? If so isn't it fair that the other GP have a turn?

That's what I've asked about. I'm not sure if the daughters have alternated until now, so that there was always one daughter and her family at Christmas, or if both daughters have been there.

Seems strange both are visiting in laws at the same time. Suppose though if the have been going to you regularly then they feel the other side should get some attention. Why do your DDs not invite you and inlaws on Christmas Day, why have you been doing all the work. As mentioned, look for an organisation needing help on the Day eg Salvation Army, sure you would be appreciated by whichever organisation you find.

Rusume

I’ve just found out from one of my daughters that both she and her sister will be going to their respective husbands’ families on Christmas Day. This has never happened before and it means that I won’t see my three grandchildren, the eldest of whom is four and that I’ll be alone at home. I’m upset that one daughter hasn’t even bothered to tell me yet and that the other, when I mentioned that I’d be alone, just flippantly remarked, “oh, I’m sure you’ll find someone you can go to”. Am I wrong to be upset as after all it is just one day, and how do I best handle this? Thanks!

Just noticed that you said first time at husband's family? Why? Have you had them every single Christmas? If so isn't it fair that the other GP have a turn?

My son, grandchildren and great grandchildren all live many miles away from me and for some years now I haven’t been able to travel. So have to keep in touch via Zoom. I have got used to spending my days alone anyway. My son and wife take my grandson and wife back to London on the 29th and visit me then.
Christmas Day is just another day for me and I can watch what TV I want.
I remember the days when I had to do all the catering and it was a strain now my daughter in law has that task. The men have it easy. I remember my husband grumbling because the golf course was closed.

Rusume, I’d be upset too. I’d want to spend the day with one of my daughters. It would be more thoughtful if they alternated so that each year one of them was with in-laws and one of them was with you.

When one of your daughter said she was sure you would find someone to go to, is that because there actually is a choice of people?

I’ll be honest here. I think it’s really mean of them to not consider you at all and I would be very hurt in your position. It surely wouldn’t have hurt the in-laws to invite you along, one more person makes little difference on xmas day. Just make yourself something nice for dinner, whatever you fancy, and snuggle in for a day of rest. Tbh I’m not a big xmas fan and it is just another day xx

I haven't checked this year.
I'm not well enough.

Hetty58
I’ve done the Salvation Army, Catholics, Jewish, Church of England and my favourite, the Quakers.

MissAdventure
Is there nobody on the island doing a charity Xmas dinner?

Sod them! Their loss. Remember how you feel now the next time they want something from you....

When my two boys reached adult hood I told them they were free to spend Christmas Day how they wanted. They have since thanked my for not tying them down Christmas Day. I have spent a few Christmases with them but not many I see no reason why anyone should feel obliged to spend the day with anybody else especially when they have their own little ones who they want to build Christmas memories and traditions with.

we dont see any of ours on Christmas day either.
Hubby and I volunteer, along with a team of others, on Christmas day to provide a meal and merriment for those who would be alone on the day without the hall to come to.
Could you volunteer? Could you join in with an event as a participant?
We do Christmas Day No2 whereby they all come to us in a week or so after Christmas and we do all the presents from our side of the family then. The grandchildren love it and we get to see them open presents and enjoy their merriment.
Sadly part and parcel of children being grown and flown.