Am I right/wrong to be upset that I’ll be alone on Christmas Day?

I would be upset I’ve three sons and would hate to be put in this situation.

I have been lucky enough to have my two children (and now grandchildren) with me every Christmas so far and I live with my husband but I know they may come a time when they may want to do something different. I would miss them of course but I hope I have raised them to be considerate of our feelings and to break the news gently. I also would never want to make them feel guilty about their plans either. I know how difficult it is to spread yourselves amongst family from when mine were young. I think the OP is more upset about the manner in which this decision has been made and communicated. I think if it were me Rusume I would be gentle on myself on the actual day as some of the others have suggested. Do exactly as you want - eat too many chocolates and curl up on the sofa for the day. Well that’s what I would do !

kittylester, I think you are being quite thoughtless. Being on your own as a couple is entirely different to being totally alone. As a couple you are never totally alone and really very lucky to still have each other.Being on your own entirely at a time that really isn’t “ just a date “ thanks to endless adverts and articles about getting together for Christmas. I hope Resume that you are not alone unless you choose to be.

It’s hard to be alone when you’re used to spend Christmas with family. It’s not unreasonable to be a bit upset especially if you feel your feelings are being dismissed by your daughter.
But at some point we all have to face this so I’d suggest you try to invent new customs for yourself. My MIL was really upset when we said we weren’t going to have a set pattern of one year with her and my FiL and one year with my parents as sometimes we’d want to do our own thing. My mum had told me to take this approach after regretting not taking it herself! 30 years later my in-laws regularly have Christmas Day to themselves and love enjoying the food they’ve prepared and the quiet. An older single friend with children has learnt to revel in a day completely to herself. Time for you to centre yourself for once and enjoy the day in a new way.
Just try to resist the urge to guilt trip your daughters though because they’ll more inclined to gravitate back to you in future years if they don’t feel compelled to! Taking that approach definitely worked for my mum!

I can never really understand why people get so upset over one day - there are usually two sides in a family, so unless you carry out a surgical procedure, you can only spend the day with one family. Next year spend it with the other half. We did this for years so, in a way, had two Christmas Days - family 1 on 25th, family 2 on 26th, following year reverse the days.
I am alone and get invited to my daughter's home but choose not to go as I can't stand the man she is married to! I don't cook a turkey dinner but enjoy my day with the dogs and eat the Christmas dinner brought to me on Boxing Day!

I think you are obviously going to be upset Rusume. We had a similar situation when our daughter and family wanted to go to their neighbours for Christmas. We could go for lunch then we had to come home. I think it'll be the same this year the two of us watching tv.

I do wonder when I see threads like this why one of the AC's partners families can't have the parent who'll be spending the day on their own as well.

I'd have felt awful if I'd known that would have been the case for my mum or m.i.l.

The Grand Hotel in York, very nice Sylvia know it well.

There is an idea around that no-one should ever be alone at Christmas. It depends... An elderly friend of mine, twice widowed, with numerous grandchildren and step-grandchildren once said her dearest wish was to have a Chrismas day all to herself. She'd go to an early church service and listen to the radio and watch the Queen's speech and have her own choice of food at a time that suited her. The family members and her friends could vist on Boxing Day or New Year's day.
I don't know whether she ever got her wish! But I can certainly appreciate her feelings.

This will be my 1st year without my husband but the 1st year I will have grandchildren for Christmas. I am not looking forward to it but will make it special for the children who are 3 and 5.
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I personally think it is very selfish of them to be so flippant and one of the other families could invite you for lunch if nothing else.

I think I’d be upset In Your position too.

It is still early November so you never know how many exciting invitations you’d may get before the big day.

If not, enjoy eating, drinking and watching whatever you like all day and don’t fall for the hype that everyone else is having a perfect family time because it simply isn’t true x

Lilian40 has hit the nail on the head. As the Christmas carol says, "Love came down at Christmas". She is right that people just eat and drink, and children expect gifts. In "the old days" i.e. when I was a child we enjoyed making things for relatives and especially seeing them at Christmas. So it was special, not just a day.
I still feel it to be special and I really feel your pain if you have been used to spending it with loved ones.

I have a feeling that there will be many posts like this. Christmas makes all sorts of emotions come to the surface. It starts many family arguments. The TV shows adverts of loads of happy families all enjoying themselves with tables collapsing under piles of food.... Reallity is far from this my most. It also makes the alone feel lonely...

Why are people so fixated that no one should be alone at Christmas and yet it doesn't seem to matter so much every other day of the year? Never understood it...... I've spent quite a few alone and every one was different and I never felt remotely lonely. As long as my family and friends are fine, that's ok by me. Sure, I enjoy the silliness and fun with my GC but I certainly wouldn't be miserable if that didn't happen. Get a grip, people, and don't be so inward looking. It's not all about you.

I had my first experience of Christmas alone last year. Obviously the pandemic was largely responsible as the plans for a 5 day get together were changed to 1 day at the last minute. I live near London and DD in Glasgow, so planned trip there was cancelled. DS, DiL and GS couldn't visit from Germany either. I also had my first ever Christmas with no presents as DS and family had sent a joint gift hamper for me and DD to share which went to Scotland! I only get 1 gift from anyone outside the immediate family and that arrived about a week later! I'd just retired too so not even a secret Santa from work!
This year will be different as DD is moving back to live with me having secured a new job in London starting in January so I'm confident of having her to share the day with, but DS and family are going to DiL's family as already agreed. I will see them when they arrive in the UK and before they leave again as I am the Heathrow taxi service for them, though length of stay still to be confirmed.
If I'd known sooner last year I might have volunteered at a homeless shelter, though I don't know if they were operating last year, again because of the pandemic. A friend of mine used to do that when her children were younger if it was her ex's turn to have them on Christmas day.
I hope you find something to do that you will enjoy, and that you will see your family at some point in the Christmas season. Sadly many people who live alone end up spending Christmas alone as families increasingly live further apart and often overseas as mine do. However disappointing it is, we all have to plan the best way we can and can't be in two places at once.

I think it's thoughtless and unkind. Our daughter has been married 20 years and they've never spent Christmas Day with us but we accept it after all these years but to suddenly do that and leave you on your own is disgraceful.

I think you have a right to be upset but these things are not always a given. They do have a right to see their partners families too, with or without you. But what I am surprised that at least one of the daughters could spend Xmas day with you, while the other does her day with his family and so for next year could reverse the arrangements?? You never know nearer the time one or both could invite you to spend Xmas with partners family. Failing this, when Xmas day arrives, and in the past I have had Xmas day alone whilst my boys were very young then went to there dads (we were separated), it isn’t nice, but also it’s just over 6 weeks to go to give you time if you make your own arrangements with a friend. Let’s hope your daughters see some sense in the fact that you should/could be included

I can understand the OP being upset.

But, we don't know enough to know if people's suggestions are reasonable or not.

We don't know how close the daughters live to the OP, which could make a big difference as to whether they could reasonably collect her and take her home again that day even if she was to be invited to accompany them to the inlaws.

We don't know if the daughters are planning to stay overnight at the inlaws.

We don't know how much room there is at the inlaws. They might already have invited the absolute maximum number of guests that they can possibly squeeze in.

The sons-in-law might both have very good reasons for wanting to visit their parents on Christmas day this particular year (such as a rare get-together with other siblings who they might not have seen for ages).

We simply don't know, and things are rarely black and white.

How mean and thoughtless, but that’s children. We love them more than they love us. Personally I would be content to remain in my own home slobbing about.
Mine all went to the in-laws one Christmas ( unusual) but I took the opportunity to go to the Grand Hotel in York. You could have Christmas dinner in your room. It was great.

I would be busy spending their inheritance if one of mine said that ( “you can find somewhere to go”) to me.
But I am not alone. I may feel differently if my husband had passed away. Anyway OP you have my sympathy. Children can be mean and thoughtless.
If I ever find myself alone, ( if I could ) I would volunteer at a homeless shelter.

I’m with you Smileless2012, I’d never have done that to my mom. I couldn’t have enjoyed Xmas day knowing my mom was alone.
Our ac can be very thoughtless.

I do what kittylester suggested. My daughter in law has a lot of siblings and they often spend Christmas together in different places around the UK.
There are Christmas weekends available in the Lake District. You go day before Christmas Eve (or on Christmas Eve) and spend three days of being looked after. Marvellous. Occasionally get invited to have Christmas Day with son and daughter in law and grandkids. But they have to get in a "booking" with us first!
I do think, however, that you are being shabbily treated and don't blame you for being upset in the circumstances.

It’s a loaded day and try as we might to be rational it’s emotional. I wish it weren’t. Unless it is totally your own decision it will hurt. You’re not alone in this (sorry for the pun).

It is very hard when we've been conditioned since childhood by family and society that Christmas day is special and were supposed to be with people. I was estranged from my mother for a few years and I still felt anguish as I expected she was alone over Christmas.
If you can afford it, maybe go away for a few days over Christmas, maybe even a good singles holiday. If you genuinely know you're going to feel awful being alone, find someone to be with.
I have read articles about people who actually prefer to be alone over Christmas and enjoy the peace.

I will be alone this year for the first time as my grown up children are going to their in-laws. I will have my two furry friends (mini Schnauzers) for company and it means their walks, a share of the Christmas food and watching some TV together. We will of course meet people when we are out for our walks. I think that I will enjoy the more relaxed less fuss Christmas we will have.

Why not concentrate on the positives? You have obviously had many lovely family Christmases? You are very lucky, many people do not have that. Be grateful that your daughters get on with their inlaws, many don't. I am sure you can have a family lunch in the New Year? Enjoy your day, doing just what you want to do.

I would be hurt too in your place by the casual way this alternation in plans has been mentioned.

IMO your daughters could and should have told you when they agreed to go to their respective in-laws have told you that was what they had arranged.

It is thoughtless if neither of them realised that you might be alone, but I can see how that could have been an oversigt; each of your daughters thinking the other and her family would be with you,

So I hope it helps that you have written how you feel here and got feed-back from others who have been similarly placed.

The best thing is to say as little as possible right now to your daughters about your disappointment.

In good time before next Christmas, I would ask them casually what their plans are.

The other problem is what do you do this Christmas?

I would personally never choose to say, "Oh, it is just a day, so I shall treat it as any other day."

To me Christmas is not just a day, but I have come to terms with it no longer being synonomous with seeing the family.

Your challenge is to find out how you make the day enjoyable for yourself.

If ignoring it does that - fine!

Inviting a friend or friends who like you have grown-up children going away for Christmas might be a possiblilty.

Would you like to help out at the Salvation Army or another church or charity's Christmas Day for the homeless?

Find out from your priest, if you are a church-goer, who will be alone, in hospital, or a care home and might appreciate a short visit in the afternoon, if they have no family who visit?

Ring the local children's ward and ask if they are fully supplied with visitors for children forced to be in hospital on Christmas Day - or the geriatric ward if that is your preference.

Or just go out for a walk in the afternoon, dressed as Mother Christmas and with a bag of sweeties and dog biscuits to give to those you pass in the street?